A/N: Thanks for reviewing my random writer's block-induced creation.
"Oh my God Clare I am like so miserable. My life is over," Alli said.
Clare shrugged. "You'll be fine. You magically got through dating a non-bathing scumbag with the plague AND an STD without catching either of those things."
"So what?" Alli asked.
"So I'm saying, Degrassi girls almost always either get pregnant or diseased the first time they have sex," she said. "I watched the reruns when I got cast in this role. Manny got pregnant and had an abortion and had everyone in the whole school think she was a slut. Emma got gonorrhea, Alex probably did too. Then of course there was Darcy who got Chlamydia for one episode. And don't think just because you're in gifted you're too smart for all that. Liberty was the valedictorian and she let JT use a jumbo condom despite the fact that there were two whole episodes in season 3 and season 5 about how small his penis is. Having sex on Degrassi never ends well unless you're Holly J."
Alli rolled her eyes. "I break rules. That's why I get to school early every morning to change into my slut costume."
"Very original," Clare said. "You know I've always kind of wondered how you get away with that. I mean, most kids ride the bus and that means you'd have twenty minutes tops to change your entire outfit and fix up your hair and put on a ton of makeup. It just seems a little unrealistic."
Alli rolled her eyes again. "Ugh, Clare, why do you have to overanalyze everything? God you're so annoying I'm going to start subtly pushing away your friendship to go be a cheerleader now."
Dave grinned as she threw a bag of dog crap at him and called him an asshole. "She SO wants me," he said to Wesley.
"I feel like you've slightly miscalculated," Wesley said.
"Naw, naw. One time a guy spilled urine on me and the next thing I knew we were BEST FRIENDS. You're new to Degrassi, you don't know the ropes."
Wesley sighed. "I'm new. Yeah...and you're just the man aren't you? Your only plotlines involve getting piss thrown at you and being ignored by the dumbest bitch at school."
"No way, man," Dave said. "Jenna is the dumbest girl at school, not Alli."
"Yeah but Jenna ignored you too," Wesley said.
"Wait...what?" Dave asked. "I don't think anyone remembers that. I thought she promised not to tell anyone!"
Wesley illegally downloaded the "Beat It" episodes off Megavideo and reminded Dave of his monumental failure with Jenna.
"Oh yeah," Dave said. "Thanks for reminding me. I still think I'm cool despite getting less action than Connor who at least got to dance with that one girl in one episode who never showed up again ever."
"Less action than me too," Wesley said. "I got bitten. Any day now I'll hit puberty and be the new Declan."
"Dream on," Dave said.
Meanwhile, back to Alli and her oh-so-life-making-or-breaking-super-important-popularity-depending-on-slut-I-mean-cheerleader-tryouts.
"Hey Chantay," Alli said. "I wanna be a cheerleader. Where's the captain so I can suck up to her a whole bunch?"
Chantay gave her the same irritated look she uses at least once per episode. "You're looking at her sweetie."
"But I thought you were a gossip queen with a video camera. When did you become cheerleading captain?" Alli asked.
"Don't you think I deserve it? I've been on the squad for five years," Chantay said.
It was quite odd, really. Many people assumed that she started off in eighth grade rather than ninth grade but considering that the middle school students at Degrassi all got food poisoning and died, Chantay has no excuse to have been at Degrassi for five years. And really, the only reason they ever had middle schoolers and high schoolers at the same school was a big plot device to get Emma and Manny introduced to Craig.
"Why have you been in high school for five years?" Alli asked.
Chantay rolled her eyes. "Because they wanted to keep me on the show?"
"Yeah but they didn't even say anything. They could have had you held back or SOMETHING but I guess you just aren't important enough to get that much screen time," Alli said.
"Are you done?" Chantay asked.
"I'm just saying," Alli said. "It's like they just hoped no one would notice."
"Do you want power squad or not?" Chantay said. "Because it's a lot of work and it's all about coordination, rhythm and..."
"I thought it was all about being popular and having friends and blowing Drew," Alli pouted. "Geez. Don't you do all that?"
Chantay smiled. "OF COURSE. What do you think high school is all about?"
Alli smiled through the ugliest shade of lipstick ever. "Bring it."
The next day Alli found out she didn't power squad despite accidentally hitting on the entire squad (no that happened I'm not just making this up).
"Oh my GOD I hate Chantay she's so evil I'll bet she did this on PURPOSE because she doesn't want me to be popular oh my god it totally can't be just because I suck at cheerleading no way I was super good and I totally practiced giving head for three hours last night."
"Don't you think you should have practiced cheerleading?" Clare asked. "I don't think giving head is how you get on the squad at this school."
Alli rolled her eyes. "Oh, so judgy Clare is back."
"So any time I tell you not to do something that's a bad idea, you call me judgmental?" Clare asked. "And if you wanted a friend who wouldn't call you on having random slut moments in the Ravine why did you pick the best friend who came to public school the first day still wearing her Catholic school uniform?"
"I don't know!" Alli said. "This plot makes no sense. I've got to find a new group of girls who will make a fake power squad with me and then make Chantay look stupid."
So Alli went off to find Bianca. "Hey new girl who hates everyone! Wanna be my friend?"
"You talking to me, stupid uninteresting bitch?" Bianca asked casually.
"Totally!" Alli chirped. "So like wanna join my super awesome totally rad dance crew?"
"Look bitch," Bianca said. "I don't do super awesome totally rad things okay."
"OH!" Alli chirped. "You're the new bad kid! I should have known by the hoop earrings."
Bianca rolled her eyes. "Look whatever I don't care about your stupid insert-whatever-you're-whining-about-at-this-present-moment so leave me alone."
She started to walk off and Alli did this awkward running-after-her thing that would be really hard in five inch heels. "But waaaaaaaaait!" Alli yelled. "If you don't join my new dance crew which is so NOTHING like power squad AT ALL so shut up then it'll be episodes before anyone sees your face again."
Bianca considered this long and hard. "Fine. Well...I guess if I stop being in episodes I'll never know if I'm going to turn Jenna gay or not."
Alli nodded. "Exactly!"
"Why does everyone want Jenna gay anyway?" Bianca asked. "I get why they might want to break her and KC up but...since like every KC/Clare fan is pretty much having an orgasm over Eli now wouldn't it make sense to just keep the two biggest losers on this show together?"
"Who's Eli?" Alli asked.
Eli was the goth kid giving Clare a beautiful speech about how she had to be brave and strong and confident and trust herself and speak her mind.
"Hey Alli," Clare smiled. "Eli was just telling me that I have to be brave and strong and confident and trust myself and speak my mind."
Alli rolled her eyes. "Oh my GOD Clare. I get it, after years of misery involving your big sister leaving you all alone and your boyfriend cheating on you with a skank you've finally found a gorgeous and sensitive guy who might actually be right for you. In fact, he might be your true love who you'll marry someday. WHO CARES? I have WAY more important things to figure out like whether or not Drew wants me."
"Well," Clare spotted Drew across the hall. "Now's your chance."
"Hey Drew," Alli said. "Do you like me?"
Drew looked down at the crotch of her very tight pants. "No bulge," he said. "Are you a chick?"
"Yeah," Alli smiled.
"Great," he said. "Because I don't like gay people, got that? I am so not gay it's amazing. I mean I am so straight I'm almost gay except not because that would be gay. And by the way, I'm not gay. I am so straight that when I look at you I get an erection."
Alli started jumping up and down screaming. "Did you hear that, Clare? He LOVES ME! He wants to get married and have babies and he wants me to be Mrs...whatever the hell his last name is not like it matters cuz in two episodes he'll probably cheat on me with Bianca or that Marisol girl whose name Riley can't remember."
"You know what I like about marriage?" Drew beamed. "The fact that it's between a man and a woman. Catch you cisgendered ladies later."
Well, technically Drew was mistaken since Ashley's dad was married a few seasons ago to a gay man but shut up.
With that, he walked off and Alli fainted. "I haven't been this in love since Johnny called me Backwoods and almost gave me herpes."
Clare smiled. "I'm happy for you."
"Cool cuz I'm having a slutty party tonight and you're not invited."
Clare shrugged and went on her merry way.
"Hey Dave," Alli said. "What if I told you that I was just kidding all those times I told you I didn't want you and actually I am ravenous for you and literally start foaming at the mouth every time you say my name and in fact want to be your girlfriend and admit to teh whole school that I know you?"
"Oh Alli!" he threw his arms around her. "I love you."
She threw him against a locker. "Haha, loser. But come to my party tonight."
"Cool," he smiled. "Oh man, she wants me so bad."
Wesley rolled his eyes. "Seriously, who the hell are you, man?" Dave asked. "Clare like bit you or something and now you think you can just come in here as a recurring character."
"I could say the same to you," Wesley said. "Who are you?"
"I'm Chantay's bro or cousin or something," he said defensively.
"Oh," Wesley said. "That makes sense."
Later at da partay.
Dave put his arm around Alli and she went, "oh my god my life is so OVER." He laughed because that's what girls say when they really really want you bad.
"Let's play that game that's normally called ten fingers where you put a finger down or every bad thing you've done only with stripping instead of fingers," Alli said.
"Sweet," Drew said. "I have never been GAY!"
No one put their fingers down because Riley and Zane who are the token gays of the show were not there.
"I have never had a crush on someone in this room," Alli said.
Drew took off his shirt in slow motion while the camera panned across his Adonis-like chest. By Adonis-like I mean as decent as you could reasonably expect from a jocky seventeen-year-old boy.
"I have never wanted to make out with someone in this room," Drew said.
Alli and Dave were fucked.
"I have never wanted to send naughty pictures of my privates to Drew," Alli said as she took off her top.
"Let's make out!" Drew said.
"Yay!" Alli said.
"But whuddabout MEEEEEEEEEEE?" Dave asked.
"You're short and uninteresting and easy to take for granted," Alli explained.
"Don't worry bro," Drew said. "Once they have a big plotline about me being a cheating man-whore and I commit a couple inexcusable hate crimes against Adam who I will deny is my brother, Alli will decide she hates me and settle for good old Dave. Hey...it worked for JT with Manny for like two whole episodes."
"Wow, you think so?" Dave asked. "Yay! She wants me!"
And then Drew and Alli made out. And then Clare and Eli didn't make out because love for them is about the person and the deep emotional connection.
"Why do you drive a hearse?" Clare asked. "Are you trying to be Harold?"
He shook his head. "The writers assume no one has seen Harold and Maude so it won't be an issue that I'm driving a hearse."
She nodded. "That's cool. You're really deep."
"So are you," he said. "I'll bet you thought I was a bad boy when you met me but now that you know me you realize I have a soul."
She smiled. "It's like you see right into my heart."
"Clare!" Alli yelled from nowhere. "Oh my GOD no one cares about an abstinent Catholic chick having a meaningful friendship with a boy before she jumps his bones. People wanna see me throw myself at jackasses! Stop hogging screen time!"
"Sorry," Clare said.
So then Alli was all, "hey Eli. Wanna see Ghostbusters?"
"Do I have to keep my hands off you?" he asked.
"Well while we're getting tickets and eating popcorn," Alli said.
He shrugged. "If someone sees me with you and we're not making out they'll think I'm gay! Let's just make out!"
Is Drew a legitimate love interest for Alli, or is he using her as his whore? Will it turn out that Eli has a really dark past and killed some people at his old school and is running from a bunch of stuff that will scare Clare away - almost - until she realizes that mysterious bad boys are totally hot? What in the HELL does Zane see in Riley?
For answers to these and more questions, watch the show. For creative interpretation, read this fic.
To be continued.
