2
Jeff sat alone. He'd been sitting in the darkened silence of his apartment for hours now, his eyes focused on the cabinet above his fridge. The empty glass in his hand felt more and more like a magnet with every passing minute, it's pull leading him towards the kitchen. Resisting the magnet was getting harder the longer he sat there, the longer he thought. This would all be so much easier if his glass weren't empty. And by 'this all', he meant his life in general. Alcohol tended to have a pleasant numbing effect that he'd grown quite fond of over the years.
His phone buzzed loudly against the coffee table and without even looking at it he knew it was Annie. She'd been trying to get in contact with him all day. His stomach twisted with guilt but he pushed it to the back of his mind. He didn't want to think about that right now. He didn't really want to think at all.
He slowly got to his feet, finally giving in to the pull. The half empty bottle sloshed comfortingly as he removed it from the cabinet. He'd popped the cork a poured himself a glass before he thought better of it and the glass was at his lips before he'd stopped himself. This was such a temporary fix for such a non-temporary problem. He closed his eyes and he could see Annie's disapproving face behind his eyelids. She would be furious with him if she knew he'd spent his evening ignoring her so that he could drown his problems in scotch. It's not that she was so uptight that she couldn't understand the need for a good drink after a hard day, but she would have a thing or two to say if she knew what kind of problem his little drinking habit was threatening to become. He set his glass down hard. Dammit.
He stepped away from the counter and found his phone. Three missed calls, three unanswered texts. He typed out a quick a reply saying that he was fine. She didn't deserve to be ignored. She hadn't done anything wrong. He also knew that he was probably one more unanswered text away from her showing up and beating down his door.
He took a deep breath and turned back to the kitchen counter where the bottle still sat waiting. Reluctantly, he closed his eyes and reached out, feeling for the bottle. His fingers closed around the cool glass. He fumbled along the counter until he found what he was looking for and blindly upended the bottle, emptying its contents down the drain. The empty bottle clattered loudly into the sink and he stepped back in disgust. Well, there went two-hundred dollars.
It would be easy to lie to himself about the second bottle he still had stored away, but his impulse control had always been more than a little lacking. He knew that if the temptation were there he would give in to it but he also couldn't seem to make himself completely waste an unopened bottle. Why did turning over a new leaf always have to be such a chore? You'd think after three years with his friends he'd have gotten used to caring about stuff by now. His initial impulse was always to put himself first, to make his own life easier and just skate by where he could, but then that nagging little feeling that he always attributed to Greendale would work its way into his brain and he'd change his mind.
Jeff was standing there at the counter, sifting through his thoughts, when an idea came to him. He didn't have to pour it out. There was a way to get rid of temptation without wasting it, per se. Given that his plan involved Pierce there were bound to be unintended consequences that he'd be kicking himself for later, but other than that it was actually the most obvious solution. It might even win him some brownie points. Not that having Pierce on his side would do him a lot of good, but one out of five was something at least.
Happy with his choice, he shoved away from the counter, leaving the unopened bottle behind. He did, however, take the glass he'd already poured for himself with him. He'd already wasted so much scotch, no point in wasting more. He raised the glass to his lips with a self-satisfied grin. He could start turning over that new leaf tomorrow. There was nothing wrong with affording himself just a little bit of numbness. Just for tonight.
Annie walked into the study room alone, expecting to be the only one there. She wasn't expecting for anyone to have beaten her, let alone the person who was already seated at the table.
"Jeff!"
Despite her best efforts, she hadn't been able to keep herself from worrying about him. Even after he'd let her know he was okay she'd had to stop herself from going to bang down his door at least half a dozen times. She didn't like how they'd left things. Even though this Thing between them had been a long time coming, they were still technically in the early stages of their relationship, and all this weirdness had her more on edge than she was used to.
When he turned around and saw her he grinned, making her heart skip a beat. "Good morning," he greeted.
She was so relieved to see him smile at her like that that she almost forgot why she had to be relieved. Even long before he'd said 'yes' he'd been able to affect her like that. He was a weirdly calming presence for her, despite some evidence seeming to point to the contrary. She walked around to her spot at the table and sat down, leaning forward on her elbows. She didn't want to badger him, but even her relief couldn't seem eclipse her burning curiosity. She had questions. "So, what was with the disappearing act?" she asked. "Where were you?"
He shrugged. "I just wanted to be alone."
She shot him a disbelieving look and he rolled his eyes in response.
"Not everything has to be so dramatic. I went home to watch some good, old-fashioned, mind-numbing television. No need to be so suspicious."
She gave him one last skeptical look before saying, "Well, I hope you enjoyed the mind-numbing."
He quickly averted his eyes but not before she'd seen the quick flash of guilt that crossed his face. She narrowed her eyes suspiciously at him as he took out his phone, eyes down. It seemed more like an excuse not to look at her than actual interest in whatever he was looking at. Suddenly her anxiety was returning in full force.
"Are you okay?"
"Right as rain," he answered with a smile, but something still seemed off.
"You know that you can talk to me if you're ever not okay, though, right?" she paused, giving him the opportunity to chime in if he wanted. "I'm sorry if all my confidence made yesterday worse. I know I was wrong, so I –"
Jeff's head snapped up with a smirk, eyes glinting teasingly. "What was that?"
"Don't give me that look!" she laughed, tossing her pen in his direction since she couldn't reach him from across the table. "I'm not too proud! I can admit that I'm wrong sometimes. Sometimes."
Jeff grinned as he attempted to duck out of the way, the pen still managing to land a hit on his shoulder. "Temper, temper," he laughed as he scooped the pen off the floor and launched it back at her, landing it squarely on her left boob.
"Hey!" she protested, covering her chest and feigning hurt.
He grinned as he shrugged. "'Violence begets violence'."
Annie laughed out of shock.
"Don't act so surprised," he said. "I know stuff."
Annie shook her head with a smile. "Shirley would be so proud."
The others chose that moment to enter the room and Shirley definitely did not look proud. The tonal shift in Jeff was instantaneous. His eyes dropped back to his phone and he tried to surreptitiously shift himself further away from her even though they were still half a table apart.
As everyone else took their seats they seemed to mimic his behavior, avoiding eye contact and taking out their books even though no homework had been assigned the night before. It took a few awkward minutes to get everything back to normal but soon they were all talking and laughing like usual. Except that everyone seemed to be just a tad more cordial towards Jeff than they were towards anyone else. Annie didn't know if this was leftover hostility from the day before or if they were just taking their cues from Jeff, but it was long passed pissing her off.
By lunch, most of the group's frostiness with Jeff had cleared up. But even though he was talking like normal, she could tell he was still tense, especially around Britta and Shirley. They seemed to be the only ones who still held issue and Annie wanted to know why.
Annie pulled them both aside after lunch to question them.
"Could you at least explain to me why you don't approve of Jeff and me?" she asked. "I'm just trying to understand."
Shirley and Britta shared a hesitant look.
"I just don't think a relationship like this is good for you," Shirley explained. "You've had such a crush on him for so long. We just don't want to see you get your heart broken."
"Jeff doesn't do commitment," Britta added. "You saw how well that whole Slater thing worked out."
"But she broke up with him," Annie reminded them.
Britta and Shirley glanced at each other. "Yeah, I guess," Britta said slowly, "but that was still his one and only actual relationship."
"But you and Jeff –"
Britta took a step back, waving her arms back and forth in front of her. "Woah, no, that doesn't count and we are not going there."
Annie glared. "So, you don't have any real reason to disapprove, then."
"Think about the age gap," Shirley tried. They were reaching now. "You've got your whole future ahead of you. I don't want to see him hold you back."
This one made Annie roll her eyes. "He wouldn't hold me back because he's not like that," she said. "And if you think I could be held back then you clearly don't know me at all." Shirley's only response was to haughtily readjust her purse on her shoulder, avoiding eye contact as she did so.
"We're being nice to him," Britta finally argued.
"No, you're being civil. There's a difference. You're scaring him away! But not in the way you want to be. You're pushing him away from the group."
Britta shrugged and Annie growled in frustration before stomping off, too upset to keep talking. This stupid bickering was getting them nowhere. They were refusing to see their relationship for what is was. They had all these weird and outdated ideas and she couldn't seem to get through to them. Only time would change their minds.
Annie was sitting in class, absent-mindedly clicking her pen while she waited for the professor to start the lesson. It was a film history and criticism class that she, Troy, Abed, and Pierce were all taking together at Abed's insistence. The others had been invited but declined due to schedule conflicts, or in Jeff's case, the desire to do the absolute bare minimum in his final semester.
Across the room Pierce was taking his seat, a large glass bottle of brown liquid he hadn't had with him this morning displayed proudly on his desktop.
"Alright, grandpa!" Starburns called, swooping out of nowhere and snagging the bottle from his desk. "Bringin' in the good stuff."
Pierce snatched it back, holding it protectively out of Starburns' reach. "It's not for you, Starface. Jeff Winger gave this to me as a gift." He glanced around to make sure people were listening before he continued, "We're best friends now."
"I thought you two were already best friends," Troy teased.
Pierce glared back. "Jealousy is a bad look, Troy."
"Jeff gave that to you?" Annie hadn't meant to ask out loud but her curiosity had gotten the better of her. Everything Jeff was doing lately seemed just a little off to her. She couldn't figure it out.
"Yes, he did," Pierce said. "Something about not wanting it anymore because he quit drinking. But the important part is that he gave it to me because I was the only one he could think of that could appreciate a fine scotch as much as he does."
"Ten to one says he didn't say it that nice," Troy muttered to Abed, who nodded in agreement.
Annie hardly paid attention though. As unbelievable as it was that Jeff had offered Pierce a gift and kind words without coercion, it was nothing compared to Jeff just up and deciding to go dry. Obviously she didn't expect to be consulted about his every life choice, but the timing of this one was more than a little suspicious. Could she just ask him about it? Would he tell her the truth? Things had slowly been getting better with their friends, but that didn't mean that he was okay. And if he had given up alcohol because of their situation then that meant he decidedly wasn't.
By the time her class ended she had a plan. She would get him alone and slowly broach the subject, but she would make it fun. A date night. They both probably needed it anyway. They'd grown used to each other's company over the summer but Jeff had been keeping her at arm's length ever since school had started back. An evening together would get them back on track to being normal again.
After school, Annie caught up with Jeff in the parking lot as he made his way to his car. He was usually in a hurry to get home from school as soon as possible. He didn't really like hanging around Greendale when he didn't have to, especially these last few days. The rest of the school had somehow gotten wind of their relationship (her bet was Pierce) and they'd both gotten some less than supportive comments from a few of the nastier characters at school. Like Jeff needed that added stress.
"Hey!" she called out, practically running to keep up with his long-legged gait.
When he turned and saw it was her, he smiled and slowed his pace, allowing her to match his stride. "Hey yourself," he greeted.
"Do you wanna hang out tonight?" she panted. She figured she'd just cut to the chase. "Troy and Abed are going through a cops and robbers phase and it's driving me nuts. I was wondering if I could come over to your place for a few hours." When he didn't immediately respond, she hurriedly continued, "We can order Indian food, my treat?"
He chuckled at her apparent eagerness and wrapped his arm around her shoulders, pulling her in close as they walked. "Wouldn't want to leave you to fend for yourself against those two. They might decide they need a damsel in distress and tie you to the railroad tracks or something."
"You think you're joking…"
Jeff laughed again and kissed the top of her head before climbing into his car. "I'll see you tonight, then," he said with a wave.
A couple hours later, Annie was knocking on Jeff's apartment door, a to-go bag from the Silver Taj in one hand. She had gotten them food from their favorite Indian restaurant. They had discovered it together over the summer while on their very first real date. She figured the combination of nostalgia and good food could only serve to make her evening's mission easier.
The door opened and there was Jeff, shooting her one of his heart-stopping toothy grins in greeting. "M'lady," he said, using his special nickname for her and stepping aside to let her in.
"M'lord," she responded happily. He seemed to be in a good mood, so that was promising. Maybe she'd overacted. It wouldn't be the first time. Once inside she held the brown paper bag aloft, "I come bearing tikka masala, as promised."
He bent down and gave her a quick kiss before accepting the bag from her. "Do you wanna eat at the table or on the sofa?"
"Sofa, please." Annie bounced over to the couch, perfectly at ease in Jeff's apartment. She'd spent most of her summer here. She even had toiletries tucked away in his bathroom, a privilege that was more for his benefit than hers. He'd struck up the perfect shampoo to conditioner balance and if she threw it off he would never forgive her. His words, not hers.
Jeff clinked around in the kitchen for a minute while she kicked off her shoes and settled onto the couch with her legs curled up beside her. The TV was already on. Jeff had been watching some kind of sports show. A bunch of guys were sitting around a semi-circle desk talking about early season statistics or something equally trivial.
"You can change that," Jeff said, nodding at the television as he came around the couch with their food all served up on plates.
"This is fine. Watch whatever you want," she replied, taking her plate from him.
"Uh, huh." He took his seat beside her on the couch. "You'll be bored of this in ten minutes."
She stuck her tongue out at him, but he was right. She got bored of it quickly and eating had only distracted her for so long. After a few boring minutes on Twitter, she took their dishes to the sink and washed them, mostly just for something to do.
When she returned to the couch, he was handing her the TV remote with a cocky grin. She made a face as she took it from him, reluctant to admit defeat but content to curl up beside him, her head resting against his shoulder. She may have lost but it had its benefits, like no more sports. And it also put her in a better position to get the ball rolling on her plan.
"So," she began cautiously as she scanned through the guide on the TV, suddenly very unsure if she was doing the right thing. "I heard you stopped drinking?"
She felt his eyes on her but she didn't look up from the screen. She could play aloof. "I forgot you had that class with Pierce," he finally muttered.
"Mmhm." When he didn't elaborate she prompted him again, "So, no more drinking?"
"It's not a big deal."
That remained to be seen. She fought the urge to swallow nervously. "Health reasons?"
"Something like that," he said offhand. He seemed to hesitate for a second like he was trying to decide what to tell her. "My therapist had suggested it a while ago and I just sort of decided it was time to take her advice." He paused. "Why?"
Annie shrugged. "Just curious. You never mentioned it." She chanced a glance at him. He was still looking at her but he didn't seem upset. He seemed a little wary, but otherwise completely comfortable with her questions. That put her mind at ease a little bit. She was still curious if his decision had anything to do with the recent study group drama, but she also didn't want to risk spoiling his good mood.
"I didn't mention it because it wasn't that important," he clarified. "I'm sorry you found out like that, though. I guess I didn't really think about that being something I should tell you beforehand. I'm still kind of inexperienced at the boyfriend thing."
Annie's eyebrows shot towards her hairline. That was the first time he'd referred to himself as her boyfriend. She didn't know how to respond. She was almost afraid to acknowledge it and embarrass him. So, instead she settled with snuggling up closer to his side. "No harm, no foul," she said. She felt his arms tighten around her and decided that the rest of her questions could definitely wait. She'd much rather be just spending time with her boyfriend instead of interrogating him. Which was just as well because she'd finally found a show that she wanted to watch.
"Gilmore Girls?" Jeff groaned at the screen. "I hate this show."
"You do not!" she disagreed. "You've never even seen it. How can you hate something you've never seen?" He grumbled something about it being a chick show and she rolled her eyes. "Just watch an episode or two. If you really don't like it, then I won't make you watch any more. Deal?"
He sighed. "Deal."
After the second episode ended, Jeff looked down at Annie, who was still nestled against his side. "The information I am about to share never leaves this room, okay?"
Annie sat up, already beaming. She nodded excitedly.
"Gilmore Girls is actually not an awful show."
"It's a great show!" she exclaimed, happily climbing into his lap and winding her arms around his neck. "And you shouldn't be ashamed of liking well-made television."
"Yeah, but this would be dangerous information in the hands of someone like Pierce or Duncan." He wrapped his arms around her as well and held her close. "So, I'm going to need you to never tell anyone about this, got it?"
"Got it," she giggled and held up three fingers in a scout's salute. "I promise to never tell anyone that Jeff Winger likes quality TV."
"Thank you."
He kissed her then and she happily kissed him back, more than pleased to be distracted from the town of Stars Hallow by his lips. They moved together, completely in sync. Jeff had once said that they were like a perfect duet, and she had to agree. They had had always worked well together, adding the physical to it was just further proof of the theory.
His arms tightened around her and what started as a sweet kiss suddenly became more. The kiss deepened and she curled her fingers into his hair, holding him close to her, shifting so that they were horizontal. This certainly hadn't been how she had imagined date night going, but she had to admit that she didn't mind and it seemed that he didn't either. Slowly, through the hormonal fog that was her brain, an idea began to form.
She nervously broke their kiss, working up the nerve to speak. Jeff pulled back a little, regarding her with such admiration that she flushed. "Um, so, remember that conversation we had about going at my pace?" she half stammered, her bottom lip anxiously finding its way between her teeth.
Instantly she regretted her nervously constructed wording. She saw a flicker of fear in his eyes as he misunderstood her. He started to straighten up, pulling away from her. "Wait!" She grabbed him by the shoulders, holding him firmly in place. "That's not what I meant."
He hesitated before settling back down next to her. "I remember," he said, his eyes carefully studying her face as his fingers absent-mindedly found her hair, twirling it gently around his fingers as he spoke. "I said that you had to make the first move."
"Well," she blushed, "consider this the first move."
His hand froze mid-twirl. After a beat he drew back again, this time to get a better look at her face. She felt her blush deepen. "Are you sure?" he asked.
She couldn't help but remember what Abed had said. Jeff loved her, even if he hadn't exactly said it yet. And she loved him. Even if she hadn't said it yet, either. And beyond that, she trusted him. This was a way to express that. And, okay, he was looking really good tonight with his freshly pressed button-up and tousled hair. She gripped his shoulders more firmly and nodded. "I'm sure," she said. She was pleased by how resolute her voice sounded. It would have done nothing to ease his fears if her voice had come out as shaky as she felt.
He studied her face for a moment, looking for doubt, and then suddenly he was kissing her again. There was a hunger behind his lips and she quickly realized that the Jeff she had been kissing for months had been very controlled compared to the one she was kissing now. He wasn't holding back anymore. And she liked it.
All too soon he was pulling away again, but before she could complain he was standing up, pulling her with him. He kissed her once more, quickly. "Still sure?" he asked, breathless.
"Very sure," she replied, just as breathless. He grinned and took her by the hand, leading her towards the bedroom.
Jeff was lying on his side, head against his pillow. Beside him, Annie mirrored his pose. Her hand was clasped in his, resting on the mattress between them. He realized that he'd been unconsciously tracing patterns against her skin with his thumb and smiled to himself. This was all so new to him. He'd never just laid in bed with a woman like this. He'd never cared to. This was the point in the evening where he was usually trying to get women to leave, not hoping that they would stay.
"You still good?" he asked gently, his eyes tracing her face.
"Yes, Jeff," she answered with an eye roll and an accompanying smile. "This wasn't my first time, you know?"
He returned her teasing smile. She couldn't help giving him a hard time, could she? "I know," he said. "But it was our first time. I just wanted to make sure it was you know, okay. Special."
"Was it special for you?"
He got up on one elbow and leaned in to kiss her gently. "Of course," he said. "And, may I just say, it was worth the wait."
Her hand smacked against his bare shoulder as she laughed. "Well, then I'm glad it was good for you!"
He grinned and laid back against his pillow, crossing his arms behind his head. "It was excellent." He barely flinched at the hand that slapped against his chest.
He glanced over at her, watching her face in the contented silence of their afterglow. He wished he could explain the warmth that blossomed in his chest when he looked at her like this. He didn't know how he'd ever been able to ignore it. Her eyes met his and she smiled, a light blush coloring her cheeks, just enough to make him curious. "What are you thinking about?" he asked, rolling back onto his side and inching closer to her. Everything about her fascinated him.
Her blush deepened. "I'm just thinking that I'm happy."
"Good."
"I hope this helps you be happy, too."
He felt the smile fade from his face, his blood suddenly running cold. "What?"
"I just meant that I hope this helps you feel like yourself again," she said quickly, nervously trying to clarify. "You've been so upset lately. I just want you to be as happy as I am."
He sat up, his eyes never leaving her face. "Annie," he said calmly, careful not to betray the unexpected panic that he could feel welling up inside of him. "Please tell me that we did not just have sex in an attempt to make me feel better."
"Well, that's not the only reason!"
What kind of person was he if that was the kind of explanation she thought he would be okay with? "Oh, God." He climbed out of bed, his eyes sweeping the room as if a better explanation was somewhere just out of sight. Only a moment ago he had been so happy. And now… It was just sex. Who cared why it had happened? Sex was sex. But he cared. He very much cared.
"Calm down. I wanted to sleep with you!" Annie said, watching him from her place on the bed. "Don't be gross, Jeff."
"Me don't be gross?" he said, whirling on her, his voice raised and angry. The warmth in his chest had become a sting. "You don't be gross! I'm not the one using sex as leverage!"
"Like you never have!" she shouted back, getting to her feet, too. They were standing face to face now. "I'm sure Mr. Manipulation has never used sex as a tool before!"
He glared at her. That was different! That was before! He hadn't done that to her! He would never –
"Look," she said more calmly, smoothing out an invisible line between them with her palms, "I'll admit that it was a non-zero amount of my reasoning, but I can also promise you that I didn't do anything I didn't want to. I care about you and I wanted to show you that."
The pain that had flared in his chest just seconds before was beginning to lessen, but it was still there, aching beneath his ribs.
"You wanted this to be special, right?" Annie asked, talking to fill the silence that stretched between them. "What's done is done. Yelling about it won't make it better."
No, yelling wouldn't make it better. Yelling wouldn't even make him feel better. Not anymore. He wanted to be angry at her for causing this pain in his chest, but he just couldn't. He couldn't because whose fault was it really. The person who just wanted to let someone know how much they cared? Or the jerk who was so bad at feeling rejected that he made her feel like this was the only way she could do so? He inhaled shakily. "You're right," he said, his voice calm and even. "I'm sorry I yelled. I was just… Taken off guard, that's all. I didn't mean to freak out on you." He paused, watching her face carefully. "Are you staying over?"
Her eyebrows drew in, creasing her forehead with worry lines. "I'd like to," she answered. "If that's okay."
He smiled softly and moved forward, taking her face in his hands, drawing her towards him to place a kiss on the top of her head. "Of course it's okay. You know I love it when you stay here."
He started to move away but a gentle hand against his bicep stopped him. "I really did have a nice time tonight." Her voice was soft. "I'm sorry that I was less than honest."
He kissed her again. "I had a great night, too." He stepped back and took her hand in his. "Bedtime?" he asked. When she nodded he led the way over to the bed just as he had earlier, but this time the intent was much more innocent.
They climbed into bed together and he lay down on his side, his back to Annie. He felt deflated. Like the husk of the person he had been less than ten minutes ago. How strange that such a simple self-revelation could change how one fundamentally thought of themselves.
"Goodnight." Annie's voice was small and quiet, seeking comfort.
Jeff rolled over and studied her for a moment before he reached out and gently drew her to him, holding her close in silent assurance that he wasn't still mad. "Goodnight."
