Attack of the Mary-Sue : New Arrival
A/N: Thanks for all the reviews! Please, keep on leaving them! Okay, just to give you guys a heads up, I do not practice any of the following techniques, but they are fun to make fun of. Please, Read and Review! (Oh, and this is before the Half Blood Prince, sorry, I need to include Snape!)
I
Hermione woke up with a slightly sore neck and with a bowl of porridge showed under her nose. She looked up into the green eyes of her partner, Draco Malfoy.
"Good morning, sweetheart. Breakfast is ready."
His voice was dripping in that stomach twisting sarcasm that he loves to use. Hermione grabbed the bowl and slowly spooned the lumpy mess into her mouth. Malfoy chewed on a stale biscuit as he flexed his other arm. Hermione finished the nasty porridge and stood.
"Where are we sweeping today?"
Draco shrugged, his blonde hair a bit messy from the early morning.
"Depends." He glanced at her out of the corners of his emerald eyes. "We could try and check up on the teachers." The boy shuddered. "To think... they could be trapped in their rooms... or worse..."
Hermione unsheathed her sword.
"Sounds like a plan." Her hands pushed a special place in the wall, a secret passageway to an exit. "Who do you want to start with?"
The Pureblood didn't have to think before he answered.
"Snape." Hermione shot him the weirdest look. Draco glared at her, his lower lip sticking out slightly. "He's a Godfather to me."
With a shrug, they were off. Into the Potions corridor.
II
Severus Snape stared at his barricaded door. Twelve caldrons, two tables, over thirty jars, and one locking spell. That should be enough to keep them out... right?
The Potions Master sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. His eyes had dark circles under them... and he had good reason to not be getting any sleep.
He was going to go crazy if he saw another long lost daughter, beautiful sister, or worse... Voldermort's sister who was bent on marrying him. Barf. It would make the toughest of Death Eaters scream for Mommy.
Snape walked over to a bubbling pot of soup. Split pea soup. His least favorite. But these were desperate times. And desperate times called for desperate food.
He was about to pour himself a bowl when he heard a loud bang at the door. His eyes widened and his face grew, if possible, even more ashen. He dropped the bowl and pulled out his wand. Another explosion, and this time he could hear voices on the other side.
"Ow! Would you quit acting like a troll? This is going to take precision to open!"
It was a woman's voice. A young woman's. It made his insides wither and die.
"I need to get in now!"
The Potions Master almost vomited at the sound of a young man's voice. Oh no, now GUYS want me?
Another crash and his door, cauldrons, jars, tables, and spell blew apart. Two people... or one of those things... screamed as they fell into the dust, kicking up another cloud. The professor pointed his wand at the shifting shadows.
"Who is it?" His voice cracked. He swallowed some saliva. "Show yourself!"
Someone sat up, brushing wild hair back from their faces. He realized that whoever it was sported a toned body, with nice abdominal muscles. And it was female.
He shot a hex, but it was deflected with ease.
"Professor?"
Another person stood up.
"Severus?"
Snape lowered his wand.
"Draco?"
The girl, who was barely wearing anything with red stripes streaking up her body, was Hermione Granger the know it all. Then there was the boy who stood by her. The two had wild eyes, Draco's lips pulled back in his classic smirk, the paint on his face cracking. Hermione was smiling joyfully at the sight of the once despised professor.
"Are you okay?"
Draco began to walk towards him while Hermione stood up, rubbing her knees and sheathing what looked like a sword.
"Fine... but why did you come for me?"
Hermione jogged up to them.
"This one over here was worried. We came for you first."
She tilted her head towards Malfoy, who coughed and looked away. That was when Snape returned to his old self.
"You imbeciles!" The two teens flinched. "Now they can get in!"
Right on cue, women... no... MarySues... appeared. Low cut tops and long legs with lips to die for.
"Severus!"
"It's me, your long lost–"
"Don't you remember me, Dadd-"
"I love you! Marry m–"
Snape gulped, thinking that surely he was doomed. Sure, he could kill a lot of them... but they came in hoards... never ending hoards. Against his will, he closed his eyes.
The wet kisses never came. Those hugs, those legs, those breasts... they never came.
A dark eye cracked open to see his saviors.
Hermione leaped into the air, slicing and dicing the made up daughters, aunts, sisters, and fiances. Draco covered her, his wand poised and shooting out green bursts of light. Snape knew the curse was forbidden, but hell, this was a situation where it could be overlooked.
Hermione spun, bringing her ankle into the neck of a younger MarySue. The two girls fell to the ground. Snape's pupil pulled the perfect fiance's head back, earning a scream. The scream that was high pitched. Perfect.
Severus saw her eyes glaze over, and he saw a familiar look that rippled across her face. It was the look of a soldier. For a short moment, he pitied her. A girl her age should never have that look in her eyes. Ever.
And... just like that... Hermione brought her sword to the throat of the fake woman and didn't hesitate as she just cut away.
Then the MarySue burst into sparkling dust.
The hoard was gone. Hermione brought her fists up to her eyes. Severus could see the dark trails of tears spiraling down her cheeks. Draco glanced at her, squeezing her shoulder.
"It's okay."
Hermione hiccuped.
"I killed them... I just killed them and I don't feel anything."
Snape couldn't speak as he watched this odd exchange.
"You don't feel anything because you killed nothing." His eyes stared at the blown open doorway. "Trust me, you'd be able to feel it if you had killed someone for real."
III
Snape was escorted by his two top students. Hermione looked over her shoulder.
"We're bringing you to the Gryffindor Common Room."
Snape said nothing as they entered the kitchen. Draco began to open the portrait when Hermione hit him.
"Ow! What the Hell, Hermione?"
Granger put her finger to her lips and pointed to the far corner of the kitchen.
"Look there... is it one of them?"
On the ground was a short haired girl. Either she was sleeping, dead, or knocked out. Draco tilted his head to the side.
"She doesn't look familiar."
Snape watched as Hermione approached the girl. Her sword was out and as she drew closer, she noticed many things. One, although this girl was tall, her legs were not perfect. Sure, they were long... but... the teenager laying face down on the floor could stand to loose a few pounds.
And then there was her hair. It was frizzy... and brown. Not purple, rainbow, pink, or any other absurd color like that.
"Draco, take a look at this."
The Pureblood rolled his eyes as he quickly walked over to his partner. His eyes widened once he got close enough.
"She's... normal!"
Hermione bit her lip.
"But we can't be too sure... what if this is just a trick?"
Draco nodded, frowning.
"Poke her. Wake her up."
The Genius rolled her eyes as she poked the girl in the arm. Nothing. Licking her lips, Hermione jabbed harder.
The body jerked. A gasp was heard.
But that wasn't the problem for Hermione.
It was the blood that made her scream.
IV
Draco and Hermione jumped back as the girl scrambled to her feet, her boxers and oversized tee shirt moving with her. She turned and had her arm in her hand, squeezing it as her grey-green eyes fell on the two teenagers.
"Who are you?"
All three of them spoke in unison. They stared at each other, making personal observations. Draco saw that this mystery girl was a tad bit overweight, but she wasn't terrible. Her hair was curly and dark brown.
Hermione thought that her complexion was a bit too shiny for her liking. The girl was panting, her eyes getting teary.
"Where the hell am I?"
Draco narrowed his eyes dangerously.
"Hogwarts."
The answer did not please the girl. She backed up into the wall, causing some apples to topple down to the floor. Her eyes flickered from Granger, Malfoy, and then to Snape. She rubbed her eyes and then looked again.
"Oh Christ..." The girl kept on shaking, like she was about to run. "Why... I don't understand... this isn't... supposed... to happen... to me..."
"Excuse me, but what is your name?"
The girl bit her lip as she met Granger's hazel eyes for a few seconds.
"Amelia..."
V
Draco sprinted up to her, his wand at her throat.
"DRACO!" Hermione's face was pale. "What do you think you are doing?"
The Malfoy glowered at this Amelia girl, who was struggling not to cry.
"She's one of them!" He trembled, not having been so close to a MarySue before. "Her name... it's a dead giveaway!"
Amelia threw up her hands.
"What am I? What's going on?"
Hermione had a wary look on her face was she questioned this new arrival.
"Are you a... MarySue...?"
Amelia looked like she was about to throw up.
"What? ME? A MarySue?" She burst out laughing, making Draco jump. "You've got to be joking!"
Snape finally separated from the wall.
"Just... what are you then?"
VI
A/N: Sorry, I had to end it there! Tell me what you think! REVIEW! Please!
