The Cursed Jar of Peanut Butter: Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own anything. Tamora Pierce does. I own a hat though! It is a very nice hat! I also do not own anything to do with Charlie the Unicorn and Candy Mountain, Google, Bunnings or the Hooley Dooleys.

A/N in case you are slightly slow or 'not-quite-right-in-the-head' (don't worry, you can join the club!) this fanfic is supposed to be OOC from where Neal sets off the spell onwards. Just thought I'd mention that! Oh, and thanks to Alan the Great, Elf-a-Roo and Obsessed and Repulsed for reviewing. Special thanks to Obsessed and Repulsed for encouraging my crazy ideas and being my bestie through hard times (GO BADMINTON, lol)!!! Thanks also to all the other people who read my fanfic- those numbers add up! Now I shall continue with the story…


One day in the seemingly peaceful world of Tortall, when the birds were singing, the trees were blossoming and the horses were grazing, Numair was found running through the palace grounds screeching his head off.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO! You can't do this to me Daine, you just can't!" he screamed at his wife.

"They're just scissors Numair," Daine yelled at him. "Besides, I think you would look really cute with short hair." At this Numair began sobbing, but Daine knew she had won.

"F-f-f-f-fine, I'll g-g-get a h-h-h-h-haircut," Numair wept in agony before leaving to get his haircut.

"Stupid vain mage," Daine muttered to herself. "I bet I wouldn't have had this sort of problem if I had just gone along with my mother's arranged marriage between myself and Ozorne.


Meanwhile, in the castle, Jon and Wyldon were arguing about who was going to lead their Cross Dressers' Club.

"I should lead the club because I'm king," Jon announced.

"Yeah, but I'm more pretty-fuller-er than you," Wyldon replied.

"I own more dresses!"

"I took on a girl as a page!"

"I've seen more women with no clothes on than you!"

"I own more pretty slippers than you!"

"Well, I own more makeup than you!"

"My hair's prettier!"

"But, I'm WAY more sluttier than you, biatch!"

Raoul, feeling left out during this argument, interrupted to say "I'm gay!"

At this Buri gasped and slapped him across the face before storming out of the room screaming "Like, whatever! I was going to dump you anyway!" Raoul felt momentarily sad, before looking over to see Jon and Wyldon groveling at his feet.

"Wha-" Raoul squawked.

"You are the new king of the Cross Dressers!" Wyldon pronounced.

"But I'm still the actual king," Jon reminded him.

"Yeah… Okay," Raoul said.


A few hours later Numair walked into the mess hall to hear an audible gasp from everyone sitting in there. Upon seeing him several court ladies, and Neal, fainted from shock. Eventually, everyone still staring at Numair in horror, Daine came over to him and stuttered,

"N-N-Numair, what d-did you d-d-do?!" When Numair just continued to look at her stupidly she screeched, "YOU GOT A BLOODY MULLET!!!" At this even more people fainted.

"How could you Numair?" Daine asked in shock, "I mean, no offence, but you look like a total Bogan."

"So?!" Numair said with a frown, "Maybe I want to look like a bogan." At this Daine just shook her head before commenting, "I think your haircut was so hideous that it's ugliness managed to kill a few people from shock, you know." At this Numair 'hmph'-ed and left the room.


During this madness Kel was filling in her application forms for her new job as a mountaineer. She was very excited about this fabulous opportunity, but was very annoyed when Jon ran into the room screaming "THE ASPARAGUSES ARE GOING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!" Kel looked at Jon, shocked, until Jon continued, with an exaggerated change in tone, "Please attend an informative meeting in about twenty minutes," before running out of the room screeching about DOOOOOOOOM.

"Okay…" Kel commented, feeling quite confused.


Kel walked into the meeting room to discuss the problem at hand. When she entered the room she rolled her eyes in a very un-Kel-like gesture. All of the main army commanders, knights, mages and other important people were there and Jon was in front of them all with a strange looking map with the words 'the way to Candy Mountain' on it stuck up on the wall in front of him. As everyone settled Jon pulled out a big pointing-stick-thingy from behind a desk and began speaking;

"Now everyone, here's our plan-" Jon began snobbishly.

"Excuse me Jon, but where exactly did you get those from," asked Daine, pointing at Jon's pointing-stick-thingy and the strange map.

"HOW DARE YOU INTERUPT YOUR KING WHEN HE IS SPEAKING YOU INSIGNIFICANT LITTLE POOP. I AM WAY MORE AWESOME-ER THAN YOU'LL EVER BE…" Jon yelled at poor little Daine, his veins almost popping out from his skin, "But…" Jon continued with a dramatic change in tone, "If you must know I got the map off Google and the pointing-stick-thingy from Bunnings; it was on special!" Jon finished with a particularly cheesy grin.

"Okay…" Daine replied with a non-believing look on her face.

"It's okay Daine," Alanna whispered to her. "I'm trying to book a session for him with a psychiatrist now, but it might take a while."

"Anyways," Jon continued loudly. "As you might have heard Tortall is about to be invaded by Asparaguses."

"Yeah, I don't think there isn't a single person in the entire world who hasn't heard" Alanna commented loudly in an overly-sarcastic voice. Several people began sniggering at this remark from the Lioness.

"I HEARD that, you silly little mongoose!" Jon yelled at her.

"Yea, well it isn't as if anyone has actually seen any of these so-called asparaguses, is it?!" Alanna replied. Suddenly, Numair burst into the room wearing a towel wrapped around his head.

"ASPARAGUSES, IN THE DUNGEON! Just thought you ought to know." He cried before collapsing. At this everyone started running around the room screaming, looking quite like headless chickens.

"Uhhh, Numair?" Daine called, prodding him with her foot. "You do know that you're not Quirrell, riiight?"

"Yep!" he said before leaping to his feet, "I'm not Quirrell, I'm a squirrel!" he cried before running out of the castle to join the wild squirrels in the woods. Suddenly everyone decided to stop running around the room like headless chickens.

"So, how are we going to defeat the might of the Asparaguses?" one person asked.

"I know!" Neal answered. "I shall eat them as everyone knows how much I love my vegetables! I think I shall one day become a famous amateur vegetable eater," Neal decided before becoming dreamy-eyed.

"JUST EAT THE DAMNED ASPARAGUSES ALREADY!!!" several people yelled.

"Okay, okay!" Neal yelled, throwing his arms up in the air.


After the terror of the Asparagus Invasion, as it was later named, Kel was later found attending her second anger management class. It was a lot quieter than last time. Daine was still there, and in Kel's opinion seemed much better than before, but, sadly, Owen was no longer there as he had become severely depressed and had recently committed suicide. Neal had celebrated this by running around the castle with his underpants on his head yelling "No more jolliness, no more jolliness!" Numair, however had joined and was still pouting immaturely with his hands curled up into fists because of his anger at being 'rescued', or as he thought of it 'kidnapped' for his squirrel family. When Alanna entered the room, however, Kel felt strangely angry.

"YOU KILLED MY BABY, I'LL KILL YOU!" she yelled as she charged at Alanna. Daine enjoyed this entertainment so much that she pulled out some popcorn and prepared for a good show.

"What baby?" Alanna asked looking confused.

"I dunno… but I'm still angry at you!" Kel answered.

"Well, Daine… I think you're doing well in these classes, but your unpredictable mood swings seem to be becoming more and more dangerous so I may have to take you to see a nice little man called a psychiatrist," Alanna explained calmly.

"Noooooo, you can't do this to me!" Kel screamed. Numair then destroyed the dramatic moment by shoving food up his nose.

"HEY! Numy shoves food up his nose, why isn't he coming?!" Kel protested. Alanna frowned, "Well, I guess… Okay then, he can come too!" she decided.

"Tehe, Llamas is green with purple polka dots!" Numair commented with a stupid grin plastered to his face.

"Numair, come on," Alanna called as she and Kel left the room.

"Okie-dokie!" Numair replied happily. "Me's a Hooley Dooley!"

"Hmph, now I'm bored…" Daine commented, depressed at being left behind, "Now… what can I do to amuse myself for the time being, I wonder…"

"Why hello, young Velalidaine," a voice said from behind her.

"Oh, Ozorne! What a pleasant surprise," she exclaimed. "Let me guess… an incredibly evil sorcerer named Barney the Dinosaur brought you back from the dead, hmm?"

"No, don't be so stupid, dear child! It was actually my best friend Arram Draper… 'Barney the Dinosaur', pft!" Ozorne scoffed.

"Well, I was actually wondering if you would like to rekindle our little relationship, Ozorne honey?" Daine asked seductively.

"Umm… I guess so," Ozorne asked, surprised. "Well, g-goodnight… my love," he stammered.

"Goodnight darling," Daine replied before walking out of the room humming merrily to herself.


A/N And, just to be mean, I shall end this chapter right there. Please review.

Psychiatrist: If you are reading this most strange piece of fanfiction please do not worry as the author of this fanfic has been placed into psychological care.

Author: Not for long. I'm busting out tonight!

Psychiatrist: Hmmm… I should really buy myself a tranquilizer gun someday… Oh well. Please review or I'm coming after you next. MWAHAHAHAHAH!!!