Chapter 2: Eleven is the Middle of the Night
...
The throbbing of her head was what woke Sakura. Not yet quite conscious, she groaned, throwing an arm over her forehead. She tried to roll over over, but she only bumped into something she didn't shy away from cursing at. Her feet were numb and her knees felt like they might snap. Stretching her legs and wiggling her toes, Sakura realized she had fallen asleep with them hung over the bed.
"I see you're in a lovely mood this morning."
Sakura recoiled, eyes now wide open despite the sun shining harshly through the window.
Kakashi only smiled where he lied, propping his head up on his fist. "Do I scare you that much, Sakura-chan?"
Scoffing, Sakura jabbed him in the side. "Yeah, right. You're as scary as a wet kitten."
"Feeling a little more alive today, I see."
It was light-hearted, as Kakashi tended to be despite his stoic image, but it sobered her. Now, Sakura remembered why she was here, how she had come to fall asleep in such an uncomfortable position in a bedroom that wasn't even hers. Sakura swallowed against her dry throat, anxiety sliding down like slime that stuck to her ribs. She wanted a divorce. She didn't want to be tied down anymore.
A night's sleep later, Sakura was no longer running off the same determination and anger. Now, the idea of going through with it was terrifying. All aspects of it truly were; how would Sasuke react? Sarada? What would all their friends say?
"Sakura."
Snapped out of her thoughts, Sakura looked at Kakashi besides her. He remained silent, but whatever he would have liked to say was obvious, written clearly on his maskless face. Don't give up. Don't disappoint me. And deep down, Sakura knew he was right. Yesterday hadn't been a spur-of-the-moment change. It had since long been coming. She had simply been true to herself for once. Now, she had to remain so. For her own sanity.
"I'll give him a call today," Sakura said, sitting up to stare at her lap. "It usually goes straight to voicemail, though."
Kakashi didn't reply. Instead, he stood up, getting ready for the day. Sakura stood by him, staring down at her feet. She dreaded the phone call more than she was willing to admit. Kakashi put on a fresh shirt, only to stop with it hanging over his head, arms already in the sleeves. He chuckled and stepped closer to her, lowering his sweatshirt to catch her into it.
"You looked cold," Kakashi said, smiling down at her as he pulled her closer in a tight hug. "Shivering there by yourself."
Trapped against Kakashi's hard chest and his arms, Sakura laughed. "Silly."
"Silly? Me?" Kakashi feigned shock. "Whatever are you saying?"
Kakashi held her tighter, walking towards the bathroom. Confined to the inside of his shirt as she was, Sakura had no choice but to follow, squealing. "Let me go!"
"You're fine right where you are."
Kakashi grabbed his toothbrush and began brushing his teeth.
Sakura pouted, twisting inside his shirt to face the sink. "Then you'll have to brush my teeth too. I have no arms." Laughing, Sakura stretched her arms against his shirt, watching it expand. "Don't you think it's ridiculous that I can fit in your shirt with you and there's still plenty of room?"
Kakashi only shrugged. "That's just how I like it."
Watching how ridiculous they looked in the mirror, Sakura could only smile. "Me too."
…
Sakura sat on the edge of her bed, wet hair still dripping down her back. After leaving Kakashi's apartment, her morning had quickly become routine again. Though Sarada wasn't there to cook breakfast for, Sakura went about the rest of the morning all the same. The largest chunk of it was taking care of the garden, which always left her dirty and needing a bath. During winter, she was free of this task, though now that spring was there, it meant replanting the whole garden.
Sarada was downstairs, watching tv and waiting for lunch to be prepared.
Sighing, Sakura stared at the phone in her hands. Her daughter had never so much as had the chance to say a word to her father, and here she was, divorcing him. Laughing to herself, Sakura shook her head. That he had let such a thing happen was exactly why she wanted a divorce in the first place. Sarada deserved a father. A divorce wouldn't fix this, but at least Sakura could tell herself she would no longer accept what he put them through with her mouth shut.
Inhaling deeply, Sakura punched his number on the phone with trembling fingers.
Each time the phone rang, Sakura's heart skipped a beat. She shut her eyes, desperately trying to soothe her nerves. Silently, she reminded herself, again and again, that she was doing the right thing.
Finally, the voicemail took over the ringing.
"Sasuke-kun." Sakura paused, staring at her knees. "I'd hoped you would pick up this time, but I guess you're busy?" Of course, no answer came, so Sakura sighed. "I have something I really need to talk to you about. It's… It's very important. Please call me soon." Sakura swallowed the lump in her throat, rubbing the bridge of her nose. "So… Call me. Bye."
Exhaling a shaky breath, Sakura hung up. Hopefully, he would take her seriously this time and not take weeks to call her back.
"Mom!" Sarada called from the downstairs, plaintive. "When are you making lunch? I'm starving!"
"I'm coming, honey," Sakura replied, hurrying to her dresser for fresh clothes. "I'll be down in a minute."
…
Sakura had to fight tears as she fussed over Sarada's qipao dress. Perhaps the memory of her own first mission was what made her so antsy, but she hardly cared. Her baby was grown, and she now finally understood why her mother had done everything to stall her that morning when she'd first left with Team Seven. Sarada was so beautiful to her eyes right now. She had grown so tall. Even the features of her once baby face were growing into sharper lines. She would certainly become quite the beauty in just a few years.
"Mom," Sarada complained. "I'm not going away forever. It's fine."
"She's right, you know," Kakashi reassured, though Sakura could tell a laugh wasn't so far away in his throat. "It's only a few days."
"Thanks for the lesson, Kakashi-san." Prying Sakura's hands from her, Sarada moved away to give Kakashi a hug. "It was really cool!"
"How about you call me Kakashi-sensei now, hm?" Kakashi patted the top of her head, chuckling.
Sarada frowned and shook her head. "No, that's what I call Shikamaru-sensei."
Reminded of his presence, Sakura turned towards Shikamaru. As to be expected, he looked bored and unaffected, patiently waiting for the parents to say goodbye to his students. "You take good care of them, you hear me?"
Shikamaru only nodded, but the dismissive gesture didn't worry her. Shikamaru had a child of his own now, and so she trusted he understood how she felt perfectly. Most of all, that if anything happened to her daughter, he wouldn't live to see the next sunrise either.
"Time to go," Shikamaru said tersely.
Without waiting for any reply, he began walking, turning his back to everyone.
Sarada, Chun and Bolt followed after him excitedly, waving behind at their parents. Watching their little backs become smaller and smaller in the distance, Sakura was torn between pride and disappointment. They were more and more independent by the day, and Sakura knew she would soon see her daughter only every now and then. Sarada would always be away on missions, or training - just as Sakura had been herself.
Behind her, Kakashi, Hinata and Tenten made small talk. Forcing a smile on her lips, Sakura joined them.
Tenten gave her arm a playful slap, smirking. "C'mon, Sakura. They'll be back before we know it."
"Why don't you take some time to enjoy yourself?" Hinata offered gently. "It's so unusual to have time by ourselves without our children."
Sakura nodded politely. Rude as it was, Sakura had never taken much of a liking to either women. Hinata had always struck her as far too polite to be genuine, leaving one to wonder what her true thoughts were. On the other hand, Tenten spoke her mind too directly to Sakura's tastes, always having something harsh to say about others' business. Although, perhaps it had been a learned trait. Unlike the other women of their group, Tenten had never married. Chun's father's identity was unknown to them all and Tenten willingly kept it so.
"Well, I've got to get going," Tenten said, waving to them. "The shop won't sell weapons all by itself!"
"I have to go get Himawari from Ino-chan," Hinata said. "I'll see you soon."
"See you soon," Sakura said to them both, waving them goodbye.
Once they were far enough away, Kakashi spoke up. "Did you call him?"
Sakura sighed. As much as he appeared otherwise, Kakashi was not a patient man. "I did."
"And?" He raised an eyebrow, as if offended he wasn't given an immediate and detailed answer.
"And he didn't answer," Sakura snapped, heading home with Kakashi on her heels. "I told you he wouldn't."
Kakashi followed in silence, hands shoved in his pocket. Though he didn't speak again, Sakura knew he was hardly satisfied by her answer.
"I left him a voicemail," she finally said. "I told him I need to talk to him, soon."
No response came from Kakashi. He didn't need to say anything for Sakura to understand what point he was driving home - even if Sakura reached out to Sasuke for something dire, he wouldn't contact her anyway. For a long time, Sakura had been satisfied to know it was because he trusted Naruto and the others to care for her in case of an emergency, but no longer. She wasn't married to everyone else.
Maybe Sakura would actually listen to Hinata - it was time she thought of herself a little.
...
Sakura spun on one side, then on the other, watching her reflection in the mirror. The last time she had worn this dress was at a fundraiser for the hospital. It hadn't been her duty to attend, but Shizune had convinced her to come, if not only for an excuse to drink expensive cocktails and wear fancy dresses. Sarada hadn't entered the academy yet. Pursing her lips, she adjusted the fabric at her hips. Though it did hug her body closely, it was rather modest. Simple, elegant, and tasteful, without being too dressy.
Sakura sucked in a long breath and finally slipped on the same heels she had worn with the dress at the fundraiser. As she walked down to the living room, they clicked on the wooden stairs. Smiling to herself, Sakura remembered how much satisfaction she had always found in that sound. It was a sound she'd always associated with being feminine, put together, and being beautiful.
Once she walked past her couch, Sakura snatched her purse and headed for the door. The sun had set quite a while ago and she had stalled more than enough already. She was just going out for a drink. By herself. As she used to do, occasionally, in the small window of time after the war, but before being married to Sasuke. Truthfully, it was a rather bad habit she'd picked up from Tsunade.
At the door, Sakura stopped and looked back inside, opening her mouth to tell Sarada she wouldn't be back before late. Before the words left her throat, Sakura stopped herself. Rare sleepover aside, Sarada had always been there at this hour. Today, she was on her first mission with Bolt and Chun.
With a shaky smile, Sakura shut the door behind her and walked towards the center of the village. Somewhere in between Kakashi's apartment and the Hokage tower, there was a bar Sakura vaguely remembered visiting a few times. Sometimes with Tsunade and Shizune, sometimes with Kakashi. Before the novelty wore off, Sakura went every night with Tsunade, following her mentor's lead and drinking herself to numerous hangovers. Then it had been with Kakashi, when she couldn't muster a smile and he knew alcohol would at least stave off the tears.
At the entrance, Sakura hesitated. "The Rusty Kunai," read the signboard. Sakura had long forgotten the name. A hard swallow and a huff later, Sakura pushed the door open and walked inside with a confident stride. Though, realistically, she knew she was in no threatening situation, Sakura remembered Tsunade drilling into her the importance of appearing confident. Back straight, a smile, long, purposeful strides.
Sakura sat at the bar, not too far from the bartender. "I'll have a small bottle of sake."
The bartender nodded, turned, then turned again to face her. "Haruno-san?"
"Yes, that's me," Sakura said, wide eyes blinking. "How do you know my name?"
"It's hard to forget the Hokage's pupil, with pink hair no less!" he laughed, his voice gruff and loud from age and, no doubt, dealing with rowdy patrons. "Your buddy still comes, but he never answers any questions about you. Good customer, that lad, but he ain't talkative."
Sakura offered a nervous laugh, touching her fingertips to her cheek. She didn't recognize the man one bit, but now guessed he was the owner. "Ah, Kakashi-sensei? No, he isn't…"
"Here you go." He placed a bottle of sake before Sakura, then moved on to wiping glasses in the same absentminded manner he had been when she first entered. "Waiting for someone tonight? Because -"
Immediately, Sakura could feel her cheeks heating up. "Oh, no, no, I'm not," she said quickly, waving her hands above the counter. "I just wanted a drink tonight. It's been a long time."
It was a blatant lie, but he just gave a half smile. "That kinda night, huh? I won't bother you, then. Holler if you need anything else, the name's Ichiro."
"Okay. Thank you."
Cheeks finally cooling down, Sakura poured her first cup and took a long sip from it, sending heat right back to her cheeks. From the corner of her eyes, she could scan only a small part of the bar - it was bigger than she remembered, actually, but that was no surprise, considering the size of Konoha's shinobi population. There were men her age, or close enough, sitting here and there, some by themselves, some with others, probably their teammates.
The first time she had been here, it only took being alone for a few minutes before a boy her age had come up to her, offering a free drink. She had turned him down immediately, flustered and feeling as if that small an event was an affront to her loyalty. Then, she had learned to live with it and even appreciate it, just a little. Not long after, she was heavily pregnant with Sarada and such outings stopped for a long time. With Kakashi, no one dared approach, whether or not he left her side for a moment.
Now, Sakura couldn't remember the last time she had been called beautiful. Nor by whom. It could have been Sasuke - he did compliment her, even if only occasionally. Naruto did like to make a big scene every time she dressed up even just a little. Or it could have been Ino, or any one of the girls. Sakura didn't know.
First cup empty, Sakura filled it again. With the cup to her lips, she drank quietly, playing with her hair. She had let it grow out again, because Sasuke liked it so. It didn't feel quite as soft as in youth, though, which Sakura lamented. No matter what she tried, she couldn't bring back its luster or softness anymore. Her stomach had become softer, too, forgetting years of hard training. Her once taut skin was now marred with stretch marks from her pregnancy, forever a little too loose. Though Ino liked to try and convince her otherwise, Sakura was certain she was growing more wrinkles by the day.
Sakura refilled her cup once more. Another glance around her showed her many a jonin in the uniform she had once proudly worn herself. She still held the rank, of course, though it hardly meant anything anymore. She was retired. Sakura stared down into her cup, frowning. The Rusty Kunai. Obviously, ninja crowded a bar with such a name. Did she really have any business here anymore? Retired, at nineteen. She'd hardly ever been a ninja.
Yet, she had been strong, she had been to war. She had achieved so much. Only to sit here more than a decade later, not a single notch added to her belt.
"Three beers, old man."
Sakura was snapped out of her daze and looked to her side to find one of the jonin her age she'd seen sitting with his teammates. Noticing her eyes on him, he smiled, and Sakura returned it.
"Celebrating?" he asked. He was tall, almost as tall as Kakashi, with dark hair and a scar running the length of his cheek.
"Just a little," Sakura answered, spinning on her stool just enough to turn towards him. "It's not a big party by myself."
Ichiro handed him his beers. The jonin took them and began turning away. "Well, it was nice seeing you, Uchiha-san."
Sakura's smile fell as he left. She had never officially taken Sasuke's name. Sasuke had never cared, so long as Sarada carried his name. Sakura had wanted to keep her name, because it was all that was truly hers. Haruno Sakura had defeated Sasori. Haruno Sakura had been the Fifth's apprentice. Haruno Sakura had surpassed her mentor.
Sakura turned back towards the bar and finished the last of her bottle. She'd already wasted three quarters of an hour here and money she could have spent on blueberries instead. Sitting stiffly, she slipped a bill on the counter towards Ichiro.
"Calling it a night so soon, Sakura-chan?"
Sakura nearly jumped out of her skin. Looking over her shoulder, she found Kakashi behind her. Immediately, her hands fumbled to try and hide her dress somehow, fanning over her chest, pulling the straps back up her shoulders. "Don't surprise me like that!"
"That was hardly my intention." Kakashi took a seat besides her and leaned on the bar, smiling under his mask. "I was sitting over there all along."
Sakura looked in the direction he nodded towards, mortified to find Kurenai, Anko and Yamato sitting together at a table.
"Here I was thinking you were buying us a bottle," Kakashi said, catching her attention again, "but you never came to sit with us."
"I just wanted a drink by myself," Sakura muttered, facing the bar again so she wouldn't have to endure Kakashi's teasing face to face.
"Shall I order another bottle, then?"
Sakura shook her head firmly, pushing off the stool to stand. "No. I was just heading home. You should go back to your friends."
"I'll walk you home." Kakashi was at her side already, hands shoved into his pockets.
"You're just going to leave like that?" Sakura said, a frown on her face, though she should hardly be surprised.
Outside, Sakura tried to hide a shiver. It was still only late spring, a little early to be dressing so lightly. With each step, Sakura remembered why she had never worn these shoes again. They hurt.
"Better leave now. The bill hasn't come yet."
"Of course," Sakura huffed, shaking her head, only to be annoyed with her hair when it tickled her cheeks. "I should've guessed."
Silence fell between them as they walked, leaving Sakura's mind free to wander by itself. Goosebumps on her skin, she crossed her arms over her chest. Kakashi's hand was on her back immediately, though nothing but a touch to keep her walking at his pace. How humiliating, Sakura thought, narrowed eyes lowered to her feet. Seeking any scraps of attention so deliberately and desperately - what had come over her? Worst of all, to be watched by her former colleagues doing so, and failing no less. She had grown old and been foolish enough to not even see it happening.
Tears stinging the corner of her eyes, Sakura clenched her jaw. There Kakashi stood next to her, in ninja uniform, while she wore a fancy dress and heels. Though it struck her harder tonight, she couldn't remember when she had begun hating this. Never had Kakashi made her feel any guilt for it, but it was impossible to ignore. She had shed her identity as a ninja to be a mere civilian, a fraction of what she'd once been.
"A bit cold, isn't it?"
Sakura looked up at Kakashi, startled. "I'm fine."
"Of course you are," he said, sliding his hand down her back to her hip. He pulled her closer to him, until she had no choice but to lean against his side. "You always are."
Though she swatted at his chest, a small smile forced itself on her lips.
As soon as they were inside, Sakura dropped her purse on the couch, shoulders drooping. When she felt Kakashi's hand on her arm, she hummed in surprise. Carefully, he tugged until she'd backed up against the wall. Kakashi stepped in front of her, looking down at her with quiet eyes that made her heart flutter.
"That's a nice dress," he said, fingers playing about the straps.
Red in the cheeks, Sakura fumbled with its ridges on her stomach. "I - I felt like dressing up a little for once."
"You look stunning tonight," Kakashi said, cheeky smile under his mask.
Sakura pursed her lips, swatting at his chest playfully. Of course he'd seen right through her. He always did. "Stop being silly."
But Kakashi only moved closer, sliding one hand down to her thigh so he could hold it up against his hip and press his body to hers. Sakura gasped, hands fisting in his shirt.
"I'm not kidding, Sakura."
By the time Kakashi's fingers snaked under her dress, caressing her skin and working their way up, Sakura had long lost her voice. Goosebumps rose on her skin again, though for a very different reason than they previously had. Kakashi leaned down, brushing his lips against her neck. Her grabbed her other thigh, hoisting her up and rolling his hips into hers. Sakura inhaled sharply, legs locking around him for safety. Already, she could feel him hard against her.
Sakura bit her lip, shutting her eyes. However much she tried to hide it, this had been what she'd sought out tonight. Feeling wanted. To feel that fire in the pit of her stomach again. To be touched. To remember what it felt like to be fucked more than once every few years.
Kakashi progressed quickly, pulling the straps down her arms and then shoving the dress down together with her bra to expose her breasts. Hurried, Kakashi tugged his gloves off. His warm hand around her breast, Sakura bit back a groan.
"Should I keep reading Icha Icha now?" Kakashi teased, whispering against her ear.
Sakura swallowed hard, fingers tangled in the back of his sweatshirt. When he didn't receive an answer, he carried Sakura to the couch and laid her down on it, already impatient to pull her dress down further. Sakura caught the opposite end of it, preventing him from exposing her stomach.
"Kakashi."
Kakashi froze. His eyes remained on hers, but he was stiff.
"I…" Sakura breathed out. "I'm married. I - "
"You're getting divorced," he said, so matter-of-fact that Sakura wanted to slap the confusion from his face.
"But I'm not yet."
Kakashi let go of her dress, instead placing his hands on both sides of her head to hover over her. "What does it matter?"
With him so close, feeling so warm, Sakura wanted nothing more than to pull him down and beg him not to stop. She couldn't, though. Not with the guilt of knowing what she was doing. Not with the shame of letting him see how different she would look from what he expected.
"I don't want to do this to him," Sakura breathed out, hands limp at her sides. "It's not fair."
"Fair?" Kakashi spat, incredulous. "Do you think he cares about what's fair to you?"
Sakura opened her mouth to speak, but no sound came out.
Kakashi didn't relent. "You want to live for yourself now. So do it."
"And that means sleeping with you?" Sakura said, finding her voice again. "Why?"
"I'm not blind nor stupid, Sakura." He ran one hand up the inside of her thigh, raising more goosebumps on the skin he touched, until his palm pressed against her sex. "You didn't go to that bar for nothing."
Though her body begged to for the opposite, Sakura found herself fighting Kakashi off of her. "What is wrong with you?!"
Kakashi stumbled off of her, landing on the floor and the table besides her.
"Living for me doesn't mean cheating on my husband!" Sakura struggled to pull her dress back up, finding it stuck. "It doesn't mean just throwing myself at another man right away just to be tied down again!"
Kakashi stood clumsily, knocking a candle from the table. "This isn't - "
"Then what is it?" Sakura snatched a pillow from the couch, trying to regain whatever modesty she could whilst being half-naked. "You just suddenly wanted to fuck me tonight, out of nowhere?"
Kakashi was silent, visibly swallowing hard.
Seeing him at such a loss for words, Sakura deflated. She hadn't meant to blow up on him. Not when he'd be the only one to be there for her - to be there for Sarada, practically since her birth. He was more of a father to her than Sasuke would ever be.
"Kakashi… I…"
Kakashi kneeled in front of her, eyes level with hers. "You're right. This isn't out of nowhere."
Heart hammering in her chest, Sakura stared into his eyes, terrified.
"And you know it." He slipped his hands behind the cushion she clutched, holding her hips gently. "You aren't surprised."
Sakura didn't bother to try to lie. She'd never given it any thought, but it was easy to see. Kakashi had acted as her husband for a decade, whenever it wasn't inappropriate to do so. He carried groceries for her, took care of her, the house and Sarada when she was sick, bought her daughter birthday gifts she couldn't afford… All without any of the benefits. None of it had been for his own self-interest.
"Even now," Kakashi whispered, leaning closer until their lips almost touched. "You don't mind me touching you."
Sakura hardly knew how to respond. Whatever she did, she wouldn't be okay with. She could throw all her doubts away and keep going, but the guilt would be horrible. And then what? Would she then have to give up her freedom for him, too? Then if she didn't do this, she would feel guilty anyway. Guilty for accepting Kakashi's kindness for so long, knowing in the back of her mind what had motivated it but never refusing it or reciprocating in kind.
"Sakura."
Sakura snapped back to attention, looking back up at him.
"I think I had a little too much to drink," he chuckled, goofy smile plastered on his face. "I got carried away."
Sakura slumped back into her seat, avoiding meeting his eyes. It was so like him. To act as if nothing happened, like he wasn't hurt or affected in any way. But she knew him better than that, and he knew her better as well.
"Maybe you need this more than I do."
Sakura yelped when a book landed in her lap. Catching the orange hue of it even in the darkness, she could already guess it was Kakashi's favorite Icha Icha novel. Immediately, she grabbed it and handed it back to him. "Take that back!"
Kakashi only winked as he made his way to the door. "Have fun tonight. You need it."
With a frustrated growl, Sakura threw the book at the door, but Kakashi had already closed it behind him. How impossible could that man be!
Regardless, after a few minutes of sulking by herself, Sakura stood and picked the book up. Upstairs, in her bedroom, she turned on the light and stood in front of her mirror. Her dress was still bunched around her ribs, bra awkwardly shoved under her breasts. With a sigh, Sakura removed her bra. Her breasts, though they did look different than before she'd had Sarada, were still fine. A tad less perky, with small stretch marks on the sides from when they had swelled with milk, but they were okay.
Sakura removed the rest of her clothing, resting her hands on her stomach. She had been careful not to put on any weight - which had been a struggle for quite a while. She could no longer afford to eat a quarter of the food she used to when she was training. Her stomach had taken a while to adjust. What it had never snapped back from, however, was her pregnancy. Long, thick white lines marred her skin. If it wasn't bad enough, the skin was droopy, forming an unattractive pouch. Long gone were the days of a taut, hard stomach.
What stuck to her the most was that it was this flaw - more than anything else - that had made her stop. It had terrified her to allow Kakashi to see her like this. Sakura was well aware it wasn't rational, but she couldn't help but believe he'd be sorely disappointed and might wish he hadn't seen her at all afterwards.
Sakura dropped on the corner of her bed with a sigh. Not her husband, her integrity, or anything. Vanity had stopped her. How could she get angry at Kakashi when she was the bad one?
"Have fun," he'd said. Sakura harrumphed. She could be angry at him all she wanted.
From the corner of her eye, she spotted the book higher up on her bed. Maybe he did have a point. It certainly would help her cool down.
