JOSH STEVENSON – EPISODE 6.4
"There are times in our life when we fall and we depend on people to catch us. There are some that do and others that don't. And sometimes, someone we thought would catch us actually lets us fall. But what would we be doing if we showed them that we can't get back up again?"
...
I felt different towards him and i didn't know why. It was a feeling i had never felt before but then i had never had a friend like him.
As i walked towards the school i glanced around for him. Standing on my tip toes i peered over the fences before walking into the school grounds. So many kids, how was i ever going to find him? Luckily, he found me. Saved me the effort. We made plans for the night and Lauren joined us.
Boyfriend. She called me her boyfriend. I didn't realise things had progressed, i definitely wasn't asked. I didn't want to be with her, not like that. How could i tell her? Everyone thought it was so perfect.
So much was going on in my head, so many alien feelings. Finn just wanted me to get off with Lauren and he was never going to understand i didn't want to.
Football. Never really was my sport but as long as it made my Dad happy i wasn't going to complain. He always had his idea of what a son was like. Probably the complete opposite of me. Playing football kept him happy so i just did it.
Today was different though. There was a new boy. Connor i think his name was. Instantly popular. Finn couldn't seem to stop going on about him. How amazing he was at football. Connor dropped a bombshell though. He's gay! He seemed so confident saying it. I guess i envied that confidence. Envied a lot about him. I could see him replacing me soon enough, sounds paranoid but, i could. He was the cool friend Finn wanted. Then he screwed up in the game and blamed it on me. I'm not homophobic, not at all, but I flipped at him.
Most of the day I was just trying to avoid Lauren. I didn't want to try and explain my feelings. She's a friend and whatever I felt I didn't want to upset her. When i tried to explain it all to Finn, i felt something i had never felt with anyone before. I didn't even think, before i knew it my lips were against his. It was that moment which changed pretty much everything for me. My world seemed to collapse around me. He told my Dad, he told everyone. Everywhere i walked i had dirty looks, comments. My Dad couldn't even look at me. I just wanted it to stop and i knew from that moment i would have to do whatever it took to stop it.
Braving my lessons was never going to be easy but I ended up just running away. They just talking about me. Not to me, about me. They knew i was there and they just kept doing it, some of them who i thought were friends.
I fell to pieces.
Everything was falling to pieces. I can't remember the last time i broke down like that. I tried so hard to pull myself together but nothing seemed to help. The things Connor said hit me. I had no idea what was going on in my head or why i reacted the way i did to him. What he said made sense though, but i didn't want to hear it. So i ran. I ran away, again.
My Dad reacted badly, and i never even told him the whole story. So there was no way i could be honest. I'd just have to deal with it myself. Give everyone what they wanted. Be... normal. Me and Lauren was the best idea i had, so i just had to push my own feelings to the back of my head. It had to be worth a shot, but it felt wrong. It was wrong and i couldn't bring myself to do anything.
Flat out of ideas. All apart from one; run away for what seemed the millionth time. So i did. I packed my things, got prepared to leave and go back to my Mum. Maybe she would understand, maybe she could help me sort my head out. It wasn't what i wanted though, i mean, i went to my Dad for a reason. I couldn't stay if he was going to carry on though, he left me no choice. He let me down, just like he always had. Families have a way of doing that, and so do friends. I learnt that after today. You can only rely on yourself, so that's what i would have to do.
Then something happened which i wasn't expecting. I stood up to my Dad. I said what i had been dying to say all day. He didn't react amazingly, but he didn't flip. He didn't want me out.
There are some things in life you can't go back and change, no matter how much you want to. I think that day I was finally forced to grow up. To leave the past behind for one final time.
For the first time that day i felt hope. Hope that maybe, just maybe, i could come through this.
...
"What would we be doing if we showed them that we can't get back up again?"
