A/N: Everyone better read this before you step into something you really wish you hadn't.
Warnings: CRACK, slash, OOC
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any other merchandise/characters mentioned in this fic.
PAIRINGS: Snarry (SnapexHarry), JamesxLily, eventual SirisxRemus, ZacharaisxLuna, RonxDraco, MillicentxPansy, SeamusxBlaise…all I can think of at the top of my head.
NO FLAMES TOLERATED.
"What a loser," James Potter said, grinning.
Severus Snape, petrified and gagged, would have liked nothing better than to rip the other youth's organs out. The Slytherin's robes were off and thrown to the side, along with his wand. His stained and loose pants were ripped to shreds by magic yet still covered his lower half in its strips. His shirt had been magicked neon pink with a gold 'I'll Bend Over' glittering on his back, as he was lying on his stomach. His head was turned to the side so he could glare at the other man, but that was all.
"C'mon, Prongs, lets go! We'll hear about his discovery at dinner!" James's best friend, one Sirius Black, added cheerfully. Peter Pettigrew was next to the blue-eyed bachelor, head tilted to the side and smiling at their work. Remus was frowning at them yet made no move to either aide Snape or reprimand them.
As the quartet walked off, Snape's boiling rage was simmering down to blatant shame and humiliation; shame since he couldn't prevent this and humiliation at being found like this. He would never live this down. He wanted to wither and die right there...
"Severus?"
If he wasn't petrified, Snape probably would have started. As it was, from his position, all he could see was the shadow over him as a person knelt beside him, in his blind spot. Male, if the voice was anything to go by - but the voice was unrecognizable. How did they know who he was?
"What's up, Harry?" another voice asked, and Severus could make out more footsteps.
"I found Severus. Obviously one of the Marauder's...pranks," the first voice sighed. Snape felt a hand press gently into his backside before his magical restrictions fell away. He bolted upright, knocking the boy's hand away as he did so.
Snape stared straight into emerald eyes.
A boy was kneeling next to him, shorter by half a head compared to Snape and thinner. He didn't look at all surprised by Snape's sudden movements or lack of thanks. In fact, the other male just looked amused; a soft smile was on his lips as dark humor glittered in those eyes. At first, Snape had thought they resembled Lily's eyes - but even though the color matched, they missed the girl's innate warmth. The boy's eyes were sharp and clear but not as expressive as his childhood friend's.
"Found your robe!" said the voice from before. It belonged to a redheaded male. He was both taller and more fit than Snape, and despite having well-toned muscles he moved with a predator's grace. He didn't walk with the arrogant stride of James Potter, or even the haughty steps of any Slytherin; he was fluid and careful about his steps. This - more than anything - made Snape aware that he was in the company of two possibly dangerous individuals.
It was then Snape realized his once-shredded pants were now fully restored - stainless and fit! His once charmed shirt was now whole and completely black, save the silver snake coiled around his turtleneck-like collar.
The raven-haired boy smiled. "Handsome men shouldn't wear such horrid clothing," he said with a wink. He stood before Snape could reply, glancing over at his red-haired friend and giving him a small nod. The redhead handed Snape his robe - and just like the rest of his clothing, it appeared new - before falling into step with the dark-haired teen as the pair moved away.
"Hopefully we'll see you later, Severus," the black-haired boy called back, turning his head just to to give the Slytherin a smile.
Severus didn't think he was imagining the feral undertone to it.
"What the hell took you two so long?" Terry snarled, glaring at his two friends as they entered the room they had all been required to wait in. Ron merely rolled his eyes in response while Harry breezed past the irate Ravenclaw in order to fret to himself in the corner of the room. Terry, loathe to be ignored, pelted a small knick-knack (stolen from Dumbledore's office) at the black-haired teen - which was absent-mindedly dodged.
"Do you think I was too confident? What if he thinks I'm a conceited prat (again)?" Harry asked, turning to Ron with wide, teary eyes. Ron looked ready to turn into a puddle of goo. There was an awkward silence for a few seconds, before Ron squealed and squashed Harry in a hug.
"You are PERFECT!" the red head declared.
Harry gave the blond Slytherin nearby a woebegone look, prompting Draco to rip them apart. The dark-haired teen took in big, gulping breaths, silently praising the blond as an angel.
"We're going to have to work on this paternal dependency issue for Harry of your's," Draco said, giving Ron a level glare as Pansy laughed her head off at Harry's plight.
Terry glared at the Slytherin, then at the Gryffindor, then grabbed a book (which was sitting harmlessly on the desk next to him) and threw it at Luna - missing by mere centimeters. Zacharais tackled the Ravenclaw to the ground in a fit of overprotective rage. Luna was staring off into the distance, not even noticing her boyfriend and friend rolling around on the ground clawing at each other.
Ernie attempted to pull them apart but was rewarded with a punch to the gut for his efforts, and was soon joining the rolling mass of violence. Blaise jumped in, grinning widely, before being pulled back out by an exasperated Seamus.
Harry was off in the corner, murmuring to himself something along the lines of "Oh gawd, Sev hates me!" and "He looked so damn hot in those clothes..." while Pansy and Millicent attempted to comfort him. Ron had been knocked unconscious in a last ditch effort to stop him from smothering Harry and Draco was sitting down next to him, studying his nails solemnly.
And this was the scene Dumbledore and McGonagall were...fortunate enough to walk in on.
"...Oh, hello Headmaster," Draco regarded the man boredly, not even looking at Ron as he 'ennervated' his boyfriend back to consciousness. Everyone quieted down, the two Hufflepuffs and one Ravenclaw pulling apart and staring at the wizard with bleeding and bruised faces and arms. Millicent wordlessly healed their injuries with the unperturbed air of someone used to such antics.
"Well, let's get you all introduced to your new Housemates!" Dumbledore started jovially.
The Great Hall hushed as Dumbledore stood, smiling at them all. "Now, as I'm sure you're all hungry," he glanced at Peter, who had been gnawing on his fork, causing the boy to blush and put the utensil down (eliciting chuckles from the other three Marauders), "I'll let Professor McGonagall introduce our newest students," he said, the twinkle in his eyes brightening as everyone started whispering.
McGonagall stood off to the side, coughing to gain everyone's attention. She opened the scroll she held, looking out over the Great Hall. "To clear up any misunderstandings, I will also be reading who the parents of the students are, as the Headmaster deemed it fit," she said. More murmuring, which silenced as she glared. "As they have already been Sorted in their home dimension, there was no need to re-Sort them - thus they will be placed in the Houses they attended while in their orginal universe."
She looked down at her list. "Son of Nigelius Boot and Samantha Wells, Terry Boot - Ravenclaw."
Applause from the Ravenclaw table, and a blush from the blond-haired Ravenclaw girl. Nigelius, of Hufflepuff, smiled widely at her.
Terry walked on stage, mentally reminding himself that he had been threatened with dire consequences should he act out and that no, beating's someone's face in was not allowed. He sat himself at the end of the Ravenclaw table, looking down at his plate as he grinded his teeth, trying his best not to jump up and stab someone in the eye for staring at him.
Ravenclaws, too busy with their noses buried in their books to be violent? Hah.
Completely unaware of the thoughts of the volatile young man she had sent to sit at the Ravenclaw table, Minerva McGonagall continued:
"Daughter of Derrick Bulstrode and Alicia Fellington, Millicent Bulstrode - Slytherin."
Applause from the Slytherin table, and a proud smirk from Derrick. (Alicia was a French witch currently attending Beauxbatons - she is a childhood friend of Derrick and his current girlfriend.)
Millicent walked out, glaring at every table for good measure taking a seat at the Slytherin table with her head held high as she looked her classmates over. Derrick gave an approving glance to his future daughter.
"Son of Kinion Finnegan and Cordelia Hemming, Seamus Finnegan - Gryffindor."
Rowdy applause from the Gryffindor table and a big smile on Cordelia's face. She knew Kinion - a muggle teen who lived in her neighborhood who had given her flowers the last time she'd come home from school.
Seamus walked out, glancing at someone where the student body could not see, motioning for whomever it was to 'stay there'. He allowed a smile on his face as he approached his table. Seamus sat himself at the end, grinning at his fellow Gryffindors as they looked ready to pounce on him.
"Daughter of Xenophilius Lovegood and Fayre Heldon, Luna Lovegood - Ravenclaw."
Applause from the Ravenclaw table, and a smile on Ravenclaw Xenophilius and a pretty blush on Ravenclaw Fayre. Luna walked out, looking - as usual - completely spacey, and made her way to her designated table. Unintentionally, she ignored her fellow Ravenclaws as she stared into the distance, not even noticing when Terry moved to sit down next to her, on the side furthest from their classmates.
"Son of Vance MacMillan and Hazelle Sorrentine, Ernie MacMillan - Hufflepuff."
Vance shared grins with his fellow Hufflepuffs as they applauded, whispering about his French girlfriend to answer his friends. (Hazelle attends Beauxbatons, they met through family and were quite smitten with each other since they were little.)
Ernie walked out, silently wondering when he was allowed to wear skirts again. His old classmates didn't mind, his friends didn't mind, and Terry didn't mind - so it should be fine here, too, right? He sat down absentmindedly at the Hufflepuff table, smiling warmly at his Ravenclaw boyfriend.
"Son of Lucius Malfoy and Narcissa Black, Draco Malfoy - Slytherin."
Applause from the Slytherin table, as Narcissa and Lucius smirked proudly. Millicent decided to keep quiet about the fact that their son was dating a Weasley - for now.
"Oh god, he's a bloody carbon copy!" Sirius muttered as Draco walked walked out, smirking. The blond sat down across from Millicent, sharing amused (and, truthfully, unbearably smug) smirks.
"Daughter of Adair Parkinson and Saffron Pearle, Pansy Parkinson - Slytherin."
More applause from the Slytherin table, a few snorts from the Gryffindors, and a conspirational smirk shared by Lucius and Adair. Maybe they could get their kids engaged? Little did they know of Draco rolling his eyes as he spotted them. Oh, they had tried that before, but Draco and Pansy broke it off - one, they saw each other as siblings rather than lovers, and two, they were both homosexual.
Pansy walked out, nose in the air. She smirked at Draco and winked at Millicent as she sat down next to her girlfriend.
"Son of James Potter and Lily Evans, Harry Potter - Gryffindor."
End Chapter One.
