"Derek?" he heard her whisper into the darkness of the trailer hours later as she trailed her fingernails over the arm that was wrapped tightly around her waist, her back pressed against his chest.

"Hmm?" he asked, pulling her closer as if his embrace could protect her from the horrible day she knew she would experience tomorrow.

"Am I a horrible friend?"

"What?" Derek frowned, turning her so he could look at her face as clearly as possible in the pale moonlight streaming in from the skylight on the trailer. "Mer, why would you even think that?"

"Because," she breathed, inhaling deeply. "I ran. From everyone. The hospital, my friends…"

"What?" he asked, reaching out to run a comforting hand along her stomach.

"I ran," she repeated. "George and Izzie died and I just ran. Should I have been there? Should I have stayed at the hospital? Does it make me a terrible friend that I ran?"

"No," Derek shook his head. "They're dead, Mer. I know it hurts, believe me I know how incredibly painful it is when someone you love dies. But you need to do whatever you need to feel better."

"You used to hate when I ran," she whispered. "With Susan, and Rose…you hated it."

"That was different," Derek sighed. They had spent hours figuring out all their issues months ago when Meredith had built him the amazing house of candles. She had explained her need to run, and he had promised to do everything in his power not to let her.

"How?" Meredith demanded. "I don't want to be there, Derek. So I ran. It's the same."

"You're not running," Derek sighed. "You're hiding."

"There's a difference?" she asked.

"Yeah," he sighed, pulling her into his arms again, cuddling her close and nestling one of his legs between hers, smiling when her foot moved lazily up and down his calf. "Running is…it's ignoring the problem, pretending you're fine. Which you used to be a master at. But hiding…it's escaping for a little while before you face the real world."

"Oh," Meredith breathed. "So it's okay that I want to hide?"

"Definitely," Derek said. "And you're hiding with me."

"Hmm," Meredith smiled softly, and he could tell there was something turning over in her head.

"Mer?" he prompted, running a hand up and down her back.

"When your dad died," she whispered, tightening her arms around his waist. "Did you hide?"

"Oh," Derek inhaled sharply, not having expected her question. His father had been his mind all day, recalling the most horrible week of his life as he watched his new wife mourn the loss of two of her closest friends, of her family members really. "I was only ten."

"So you ran?" she whispered.

"I'm not sure," he said honestly. "I was so young, Mer, and the only thing I could feel was the fact that I was ten and I had to take care of my mom, my teenage sisters, and my baby sister. Caitlin was literally a baby."

"Did you feel numb?" Meredith whispered, and suddenly it hit him. No one she'd really cared about had died before. When Ellis had died the year before it had been more a relief than anything else, and she had really already lost her mother to the horrible disease of Alzheimer's. And they hadn't even been that close to deal with. So here she was, his thirty three year old wife, laying in his arms and asking him how to grieve for her friends.

"Yeah," he sighed. "I…I remember when the police came to the door. It was late to me, but it was probably only ten or eleven. The doorbell woke us up, and Liz and I sat on the top of the stairs while Mom answered the door. The scream she let out when they told her…it still haunts me."

"I'm sorry," she whispered, unable to think of anything else to say.

"It was a long time ago," he sighed, leaning into her.

"But it still hurts," Meredith observed.

"It does," Derek sighed.

"So how do you move on?" she whispered. "How can I…how do I go home? Or back to the hospital? How do I live my life as a normal, happy person when two of my best friends are dead?"

"I can't exactly tell you," Derek sighed. "It's…an individual process. You lean on the people who love you, and try to live every day of your life honoring the people you miss."

"Is that what you do?" she whispered. "Live your life to honor your dad?"

"I hope so," Derek replied. "I don't…it was almost thirty years ago, Mer. And I hate it, but he's starting to disappear."

"Disappear?" she whispered, moving to run her fingers through his hair.

"I was only ten," he sighed. "And I have a few very clear memories of him, but honestly…what do you remember from before you were ten? I mean really remember?"

"Not much," she sighed.

"I think he would have loved you," Derek whispered.

"Really?" Meredith asked, pushing her own grief aside to listen to her husband. She may have been trying to figure out how to mourn the loss of her friends, but she had brought up his memories of his father and she suddenly wanted to hear about him, about the man who had shaped Derek into the man she loved.

"You're a lot like my mom," Derek sighed. "And I know that sounds weird and creepy, but…you're both strong, amazing women. And bossy as hell."

Meredith giggled slightly. "You said you love the bossy," she said.

"I do love the bossy," he nodded. "But now that you're a Shepherd woman, it's about to become downright terrifying."

Meredith was quiet for a moment before she asked, "Do you want me to change me name?"

Derek blinked in surprise, obviously not having expected this particular conversation to come up. But if that's what it took to distract her from the grief she was about to face, he would do it. "I honestly never thought about it," he said gently. "I always just assumed that you'd stay with Grey."

"I thought so too," she whispered. "I mean, I'm establishing myself as Dr. Grey…" She trailed off as she stared down at his chest, not sure if she wanted to meet his eyes.

"Meredith," he said softly, tilting her chin up to look her in the eyes. "I love you. Not your name. But if you really want my opinion…I can't imagine how amazing it would be for you to take my name. For you to be Meredith Shepherd, for us to be the Shepherds, I think it would be amazing. But I don't want to pressure you."

"I just don't want to be a Grey anymore," she whispered. "Greys are dark and twisty. Well, except for Lexie, but I'm still not convinced that she's completely sane because she's dating Mark."

"This is why I love you," Derek said, offering her a smile. "And dark and twisty isn't bad. I've told you that before."

"I know," she smiled softly. "I don't have to decide right now, do I?"

"Definitely not," Derek shook his head, kissing the top of her head.

Meredith sighed as she snuggled deeper into his embrace. "I was so mad at Izzie," she whispered.

"Hmm?" Derek asked.

"When she was planning our wedding," Meredith whispered. "Or…her wedding or whatever. I was so mad at her and I just wished that she would stop telling me what to do."

"Me too," Derek said, tightening his arms around her. "It's okay, Mer. That doesn't mean that you wanted her to die, or that you're a bad friend. It's okay that you were annoyed by her."

"And George…" she whispered. "He was going to join the Army."

"I really think that he would have done an amazing job," Derek whispered. "He was a good man."

"He didn't have anyone," she whispered. "We were all…a year ago, it was the five against the world, but then we all had someone. You, Owen, Alex, Dr. Robins…even Lexie found Mark. He died alone."

"He knew you were there," Derek said, squeezing her tightly. "You know he once threatened me?"

"What?" Meredith asked softly.

"A long time ago," he nodded. "Before…Addison. When he and Izzie first found out, he told me that you're really special and I shouldn't use you."

"Oh," Meredith whispered, feeling unexpected tears prick her eyes.

"I just wished I had listened," Derek sighed, the regret of choosing Addison over Meredith still weighing heavily in his heart.

"He was in love with me," she whispered. "For the first few months that I knew him, he was in love with me." She felt Derek tense beside her, obviously not comfortable with the notion that any other men have feelings for her, no matter how long ago it was, or whether they were actually together at that point. "And then I hurt him," she continued. "When I slept with him, I hurt him."

"Mer," Derek sighed, trying to keep his emotions in check and picture anything besides Meredith and George in bed together. "That was a long time ago. He got over that, and the two of you had a special bond."

Meredith sighed as she pulled back to look at him. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "It's our wedding night, or our sort of wedding night and I can't stop thinking about George and Izzie."

"Oh Mer," he sighed. "You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for. I just hope that I can help you through this in any way I can."

"You're doing an amazing job," she sighed as she rolled him onto his back. "And well… it's okay to hide for a little longer, right?"

"Definitely," Derek nodded. "But tomorrow…"

"Tomorrow I'll go back," she whispered. "Right now I need you. I need you to help me realize that it's okay to be sad but happy. And I need you to know how much I love you."

Derek smiled as he reached up to push her hair out of her face. "I do know," he whispered. "And I'm here. Anything you need, I'm here."

"Let me show you," she said, slowly moving her hips over his. "Let me show you how much I love you."

"Of course," Derek nodded, letting his hands fall to her hips. "I love you too."

"I love you," Meredith whispered, slowly lowering herself onto him, keeping her eyes locked on his as she linked their hands together. "I love you."

Derek swallowed hard, his heart breaking at her desperation as she moved over him. "I love you too."

Meredith began moving faster over him, her hips rocking frantically against his as she leaned down to kiss him passionately. "I love you."

"I love you too," he repeated, willing to say it however many times she needed to hear it. "Mer…"

"Derek," she gasped as she ran her hands down his chest, her fingernails leaving red marks as she clawed frantically at him. "I love you."

"Oh yes," he moaned, his thighs tightening as he rocked his hips against hers, creating deeper penetration as Meredith worked breathlessly above him.

"Oh god," she moaned, throwing her head back as she clutched onto his shoulders, moving even faster over him, her thighs tightening at his hips.

"Oh," Derek gasped, her rough movements sending him closer to the edge. Meredith had always been good at the sex, but this was different. This was her really taking control, having him at her mercy, making love to him with a passion and a desperation he'd never seen before.

"No," Meredith shook her head, reaching between them to squeeze his balls tightly, preventing him from sweet release. "I need…Derek."

"It's okay," he panted. "Mer, it's okay. Just…do whatever you need to."

She began bouncing over him again, her movements desperate and frantic as if the faster she moved the easier it would be for him to realize how much she loved him. "Derek," she gasped, her body starting to tremble. "Oh…Derek, I love you."

Derek closed his eyes tightly as he gripped her hips, his thighs tightening. "Meredith," he groaned as her walls clenched around his throbbing erection. "Please, Mer…"

Without warning, Meredith released him and continued rocking against him, her soft cries of pleasure echoing through the trailer as he immediately emptied into her. "Oh yes," he moaned, wrapping his arms around her waist as she settled against his chest, her eyes wide and vacant.

"I love you," she whispered again, desperate tears filling her eyes.

"I love you too," Derek sighed, his thumb moving to wipe her tears away. "Are you okay?"

"I'm…" she shook her head slightly, knowing that Derek wouldn't fall for the I'm fine routine. "I don't know."

Derek sighed as he tightened his arms around her. "Do you want to talk?" he asked softly. "Or keep hiding?"

"I just…it's all so uncertain," she whispered. "We just promised each other forever and got married, and you said we have plenty of time. But what if we don't?"

"What do you mean?" Derek asked softly.

"George got hit by a bus, Derek," she said. "A bus. I mean, who…who actually gets hit by a bus?"

"I'm trying to follow you here," Derek said softly. "But you're losing me."

"My point is that Izzie…Izzie's dead too. But she had stage four melanoma, and I'd kind of prepared myself for the worst," Meredith whispered. "But George was fine. Two days ago he walked Izzie down the aisle. And then he joined the Army, and before he can even fight, he just pushes a stranger out of the way so he can take a bus for her. And he thought he had time. Time to be in the army, to come back and fall in love or whatever. But he didn't. So what happens if we don't either? You said we had time, but what if we don't?"

"Mer," Derek breathed. "I know you're grieving. And confused. I'm going to do anything I can to help you through this, starting by telling you this. You can't live your life in fear like that. I agree that it's important to live every moment to the fullest, and that's how we'll live our life together. But you can't be thinking that there's no time. You have to be able to wake up in the morning and look forward to the day, not wonder if today's the day you're going to die."

"I almost died twice," Meredith whispered.

Derek tensed, remembering the pain of those two horrible days. The bomb, the ferryboat crash…when he had been sure that he had lost Meredith and would never be able to survive alone in the world. "But you didn't."

"I just…why didn't I?" she whispered.

"I don't know," he breathed. "I guess you're not finished here yet."

"I'm glad," she whispered, tightening his arms around her. "I'm glad I'm not finished here. With you."

"Me too."

"I just can't understand why I could almost die twice and not be done," she whispered. "But George and Izzie are? What could I possibly have that they didn't?"

"Mer…" he sighed, wishing he could offer her an answer. "The questions you're asking, there's no easy answer. I wish I could give you one, but I can't."

"I know," she sighed as she pulled back from him. "I'm not really looking for answers I'm just rambling. I need to get everything in my head out."

"Well, feel free to keep rambling," Derek smiled sadly, wrapping a finger around a strand of light brown hair. "I love listening to you ramble."

"I just think it's weird that I've almost died twice in the past two years, and that I survived and they didn't."

"I don't know either," Derek sighed, wrapping his arms around her. "All I know is that I'm glad you're here."

"Me too," she sighed. "I don't want to wait any more, Derek."

"Wait for what?" Derek asked.

"The house, our life," she sighed. "I feel like…I love you, Derek. And I love that we have a future. But I feel like these past couple months, since we got back together, it's been on pause, waiting for life to actually start. It's been amazing, with the talking and the trusting and the not running. It has. But I want to start. We should build our house."

"Okay," Derek nodded. "As soon as all of this is over, I'll call the best architect in Seattle and we can draw up plans."

"Thank you," she whispered.

"You're welcome," Derek laughed slightly.

"What?" Meredith frowned.

"We should have taken a picture of the candle print," he said. "Given them something to work with."

"Don't mock the house of candles," she gasped. "It worked. And you apparently hated it."

"I didn't hate it," he shook his head. "Mer, that…it was the most amazing thing anyone's ever done for me."

"So you've said," she sighed.

"It was," Derek smiled. "It's the moment I realized that we really were in this forever."

"And now it's official," Meredith whispered, reaching for his left hand and looking at his ring. "We're married."

"Married," Derek smiled as he looked at his ring.

"Tell me about your parents," she whispered, snuggling into his arms. "I think…I think I want us to be like them. Completely in love, no matter what happens. We are the second generation Shepherds, after all."