- H A R U H I -
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Ok to all of those saying that I shouldn't write this in script. Yeah, well I think that I should write this in script. Because I just want quick conversations, I mean what the hell should you narrate about during an interview?
I watched her approach with long, confident strides. As she approached me I felt absolutely no difference in my emotion. I was calm as always but this woman, she had an eerie aura that I couldn't understand... then I realized that I just farted because I am face to face with the Haruhi Suzumiya.
See! I am not going to do that because it's a waste of space and this isn't actually a narrative fic. So uhm... yeah, whatever.
Zack: What the hell is taking her so long?
Random Stage Guy: I don't know.
Zack: Does she always take this long to arrive?
Random Stage Guy: Sir, I seriously don't know.
Zack: Oh kay. You're fired.
RSG: What!?
Zack: Yes, you're fired for not knowing.
RSG: That's stupid.
Zack: Yeah, you're hired again boy.
RSG: Thanks sir.
Zack: NOW YOU'RE FIRED!!
RSG: WTF!? For what?
Zack: For calling me stupid a while back.
RSG: Aw shit. (Walks away pouting)
?: HELLOOOOO!!
Zack: That sounds like her. Hey Joe you're hired again.
Joe: W00t.
Zack: Now go get me some coffee.
Joe: Ah f--
Zack: Good morning there Ms. Suzumiya.
Haruhi: (Takes her seat) I'm so sorry for making you wait. Zack?
Zack: Yep. I'm Canadian.
Haruhi: You are?
Zack: No.
Haruhi: Oh.
Zack: Anyway... (shuffle) (shuffle) So it's true, Kyon said that she'd be acting all formal in front of people she doesn't know. That's all about to change. Ms. Suzumiya...
Haruhi: Yes?
Zack: I AM AN ALIEN!!
Haruhi: NO WAI
Zack: YA WAI
Haruhi: Wait a minute here. (raises eyebrow) Which planet did you come from?
Zack: I came from... Neptune.
Haruhi: What? Life doesn't exist in Neptune.
Zack: My blue eyes say otherwise and my presence here proves your theory wrong.
Haruhi: You don't even have some solid proof that you are an alien.
Zack: Strange. You're doubting me and yet with Kyon... you never doubt him...
Haruhi: That's because I trust him.
Zack: Do you trust him enough to be your BF.
Haruhi: What? (Shifty eyes)
Zack: Do you trust him enough to be your... best friend.
Haruhi: Well I guess. If you think about it, he's so close to me I could consider him as my best friend.
Zack: Ok, well, now that you consider him your best friend... I have another question.
Haruhi: Go on.
Zack: Would you consider him to be your... boyfriend?
Haruhi: (Long moment of awkward silence) If he was going to make the mo-- moving space ship so we can prove that you are from Jupiter!
Zack: Neptune.
Haruhi: That's what I meant!
Zack: And did you just change the topic?
Haruhi: No... what were you talking about again?
Zack: I completely forgot.
Haruhi: Good.
Zack: What?
Haruhi: Nothing. Nothing.
Zack: Hey, what if I were to make a pass at you. Would you turn me down? Kyon said that you're interested in Aliens and stuff like that. If you go out with me I can show you my powers. (Grin)
Haruhi: -.-
Zack: I'll take that as a no. Fine then. I will prove to you now that I am in fact an alien.
Haruhi: How are you going to do that?
Zack: I. Have. No. Idea. Ok fine, screw that. I'm not really an alien, I just wanted to say that to test out how you'd react. Apparently Kyon was being correct again with how he thought you'd react. Anyway, speaking of Kyon, I've noticed that you're quite the jealous type.
Haruhi: What are you talking about?
Zack: Well, every time a girl gets "too close" to Kyon you always act defensive and you do really weird things just to separate Kyon and the girl. Why is that Suzumiya?
Haruhi: (Crosses Legs) That is because a romantic relationship will hinder the development of the club and its activities. Therefore, I choose to protect my members from romantic relationships with people outside of my organization.
Zack: Ah... Explain Mikuru and Kyon then.
Haruhi: (Chokes) Wh-What?
Zack: You said you protect your members from romantic relationships outside your posse. But Mikuru and Kyon are both your members, and I don't see anything wrong with that.
Haruhi: Well... there is a slight difference because they're part of the club...
Zack: So it's ok if those two begin going out? (-- --)
Haruhi: ABSOLUTELY NOT!!
Zack: But you just said that there's nothing wrong with that!!
Haruhi: I said no such thing!
Zack: So are you saying that it's not ok for Kyon and Mikuru to begin going out!?
Haruhi: YES.
Zack: Why?
Haruhi: ...
Zack: Well...?
Haruhi: Ahem... Well the reason behind me disagreeing is because... Ahem... Mikuru plays too much of a vital role in the group. She's our sexy mascot after all and I choose to portrait her as the innocent-cute-virgin type girl who has no--
Zack: Did you just say virgin?
Haruhi: Yes. As I was saying, she was supposed to be the innocent-cute-virgin type girl who has no experience with relationships. So, if she were to go out with Kyon my whole idea of her, the way I built her up, would be totally destroyed! Are you getting what I'm saying Zack?
Zack: Yep.
Haruhi: If Mikuru and Kyon were to be seen in public together that would ruin her innocence! Her cuteness would still be there but its effect would be diminished dramatically and God knows if she'll still be a virgin! If that happens, who will be our mascot? Who will I use to attract the attention of paranormal freaks out there!? Who will be the cover girl for our website!? Who's going to make that sweet tea...!!
Zack: ...
Haruhi: (Heavy breathing) Do you get my point Zack?
Zack: Yuki and Kyon.
Haruhi: WHAT?
Zack: What about Yuki and Kyon? Yuki is the silent character, nobody knows that she's there. So nobody would mind if Kyon began going out with her right?
Haruhi: That is... EQUALLY UNACCEPTABLE!! If Kyon began going out with Yuki, her silent character would be destroyed! She'd have to greet him every time he enters the room, she'd have to walk with him everywhere and she would also have to kiss him casually. Hell, Yuki would probably even go far as to preparing Kyon's lunch.
Zack: You sound like you're talking about the things you want to do with Kyon if you were his girlfriend.
Haruhi: WHAT!?
Zack: Just saying.
Haruhi: Anyway, if they were a couple Yuki wouldn't be reading books anymore, instead she'd be paying attention to Kyon. Every. Second. Of. Her. Life. She'd have to talk with him. TALK with him, she doesn't do that! TALK.
Zack: You seem a little angry, here's some water.
Haruhi: (Gulps down water in one swing) OH! And don't get me started with the idea of Koizumi and Kyon going--
Zack: What? Oh don't talk about that that's gross.
Haruhi: ?
Zack: I'm sorry, I'm scared of those things. (Shudder)
Haruhi: Oh ok. See! Now that I've explained on why relationships suck...!
Zack: I have a girlfriend. She's 17 years old, by the way I'm 19. How old are you Haruhi?
Haruhi: What? I-I don't... What's this I don't... What are you talking about?
Zack: What I'm talking about is... Hey, Koizumi and Mikuru would that work?
Haruhi: Let's see... Yes. It would work perfectly. Mikuru is such a cute girl and I find Koizumi to be a little hot, so if they went out, it would benefit the club perfectly. It would be like us having a mini-celebrity couple in the club! Those two are really popular in our school you know. (Nods) (Nods)
Zack: Pretty clever idea.
Haruhi: Yep.
Zack: I have an equally clever idea Haruhi.
Haruhi: What is it?
Zack: You're popular throughout the clubs in your school right?
Haruhi: Yes.
Zack: And you're pretty well known for being an eccentric smart girl right?
Haruhi: Aw, stop it with the compliments or I'll blush.
Zack: And... Kyon is known as the silent sarcastic type M I RITE?
Haruhi: Where are you going... with this...?
Zack: You guys should go out! Yes! You would make the perfect "opposites" couple! Sure, your functionality as a couple could be a little crooked but that's where the attention will role in! People in your school will be baffled on what you see in each other and therefore! They will begin, to visit your club and report paranormal activities just to observe the both of yo-- Haruhi?
Zack: Where the hell did she go? Well that ended too quickly, I didn't even ask her if she can fly yet...
Joe: I think she left when you said that their functionality would be crooked.
Zack: Oh. Ok. YOU'RE FIRED!!
Joe: What for!?
Zack: Because you didn't tell me to stop talking! Look at all the wasted space! You wasted my time, you wasted our reader's time! And you wasted 4 KBs of ff DOT net's memory! You incessant useless drone!
Joe: Sir I only came here to bring your coffee and...
Zack: The coffee has cream in it... I drink BLACK coffee! Get out and make another one!
Joe: But I thought I was fired.
Zack: See, I was giving you an opportunity to get your job back and what do you do? Screw it up. Go home Joe. Nobody likes you.
Joe: (Leaves)
Zack: Sigh... this interview is yet to be over...
Haruhi: (From the distance) Hey Kyon!! Wanna go out with me!?
Zack: ...nice.
- H A R U H I -
Author's Thoughts: Who should we do next...
