A/N: ...I have nothing to say about this. This is like crack mixed with acid. Read at your own risk. Contents may be flammable.

That was one of my friends speaking. We wrote this together. It all started when she bought me an Edward Ken doll and undressed it as a joke, only to find it had a sparkly crotch. That brought this mess on. Like she said, read at your own risk.


One day, Jacob decided that in order to win over Bella, he should dump massive amounts of glitter onto his groin.

By some strange miracle, it worked. Now, this was in the middle of Eclipse, and Bella knew that if she just left Edward it would ruin the story line Stephenie Meyer had worked so very hard to write, so instead, she would have weekly "hunting" trips to Jacobs house in secret.

When she went for the second "hunting" trip, she was astonished and angered to find Mr. Spock and Jacob making out underneath the bed.

In a rage, Bella actually started hunting, and killed Jacob, Billy, Sam and all other humans and shape-shifters in the area. When she finally bit and started drinking the blood of Mr. Spock, she realized that our favorite half-Vulcan's blood was a poison to vampires, just like it was to the gaseous creature who ate red blood cells in episode 46.

Then Edward leapt through the window and began crying because A)He secretly loved Spock and B)He realized that Spock was cheating on him with Jacob.

Then Renesmee burst into the room. She was only five, but looked about fifteen and Edward had forbidden her from seeing Jacob, but she had secretly been having affairs with both Jacob and Spock.

Then she beat Bella over the head with a trout and kicked her inna head.

Edward finally noticed that Bella was dying and brushed it off with a quiet, "oh." The rest of the family rushed past the border, where Alice, Carlisle, and Emmett were promptly killed for breaking the territorial treaty. Jasper, Esme, and Rosalie made it to the Blacks' house, where Jasper saw Bella, his one and only TRUE love dying on the floor and smelled Spock's blood, going on a feeding rampage. Rosalie and Esme were in tears when they saw Spock being "killed" because they too were in love with him.

Kirk appeared with a machine-gun style phaser and promptly shot Jacob in the face several times for stealing his one-and-only man, Spock. Then he saw Spock dead on the floor, shrugged, and began hitting on Rosalie.

Rosalie grinned, hopping on the motorbike Kirk was riding on, screamed, "So long, suckers!" and drove off into the sunset. Since not ALL of the Cullens and wolves were killed, Edward and Esme summed it up to a pretty good day, before immediately getting it on, right among all the corpses in Jacob's room.

Spock's soul cringed.

The End.

A/N

Yeah.