EIGHTEEN HOURS LATER

Elliot sighed, ignoring the sound of his cellphone ringing as he continued to drive. He had lost count now of how many times it had rung - over and over again. Cragen's ringtone mostly, interspersed with Munch and Fin. He didn't give his phone so much as a glance as he tried to block out the sound.

If anything, it was keeping him awake now that the adrenaline burst had passed. He was starting to realise how tired he was after driving for most of the night. He had taken a break 2 hours into the drive, once he had realised that he had enough distance between him and the chaotic scene he had left behind him as he sped away.

He had pulled over someplace relatively secluded and tried to sleep, but Cragen had called - ruining any chance he had of falling back to sleep when he told him just how much trouble he was in.

He wasn't even sure he cared - any price was worth to pay if it meant doing the right thing by Olivia.

Turning the steering wheel as he took an exit, he winced at the pain in his head caused by the bump on the car door he had given himself in his haste several hours previously. It had all gone so smoothly until the last moment, when suddenly all hell broke loose and he was forced to drive away - fast.

He knew that Olivia was stirring without needing to glance at her. He knew every shift, every small movement that she made, the small murmur as she roused back to consciousness. Years of stakeouts, waking her in the crib, or sometimes waking her at her desk. He knew her - every part of her. The problem was - that she didn't seem to know him anymore.

Hearing her turn in her seat, he tensed. He knew he had crossed a line that had got him in a world of trouble. There was no coming back from this, he couldn't undo it and quite frankly, he didn't think he would even if he could. He was desperate, he had to help her, to hell with the consequences.

"Elliot…" she began, her voice confused and wary, as he kept his eyes on the road, casting only a brief glance at her. "Elliot...what the hell have you done?"

Elliot gave a resigned sigh, glancing again at her and taking in the tension and disbelief emanating from her.

"Morning...Lieutenant...- stroke of luck that they gave you that sedative last night. Made it pretty easy to get you out of there. Well...I did get pulled over, but I flashed my badge, said you were my girlfriend, and it was turn to drive so you could party. He waved me off. Other than that, we've not had any problems - we've covered a lot of ground."

Olivia stared at him in disbelief, "You waited till I was knocked out and just picked me up and carried me out?"

Elliot gave a slight laugh, "yeah Liv, that's pretty much it, I just left out the finer details, but I got you away from there and that's what matters."

He sighed as he registered the sound of his cell phone ringing, yet again, continuing to ignore it.

"What the hell are you talking about? I was working a case Elliot! You can't just show up and drag me out!"

"Liv, look, this isn't what you think it is. Can you just…." he sighed, unsure how to explain the reasons for his actions, "they wouldn't let me see you, and the sons of bitches went to court and...look," he said, the undertone of frustration and defeat confusing her, "I just have to try. So could you, maybe, just humor me here?"

"You are out of your goddamn mind Elliot," she said, her hand quickly moving to her forehead, her fingers massaging as she winced in response to the sound of his cell phone ringing.

Elliot frowned, his tone instantly changing to one of concern, "you have a headache? Are you ok Liv?"

Olivia laughed and stared at him in amazement, but the underlying concern and warmth in his voice unnerved her a little. Not understanding why, she pulled her defences up.

"No i'm not ok! Are you going to just let that ring - because i'm not sure how far back it is to the city, but i don't want to listen to that the whole way." Olivia said, the shortness of her tone finally getting through to him.

Elliot was beyond frustrated with the whole mess they were in, he had acted with little thought but he knew he was doing the right thing - he just needed Olivia to hear him out and she was far from receptive.

Suddenly, she had no choice but to grab the handle of the door to steady herself, as without a word, he abruptly swerved the car off of the road and onto the shoulder, the tyres screeching, skidding briefly, before he slammed on the brakes and switched off the engine.

Olivia stared at him incredulously. "Are you trying to kill us both?!"

Elliot glanced at her, before grabbing his cellphone and waiting for it to start ringing again.

He gave a humourless laugh as he flipped open the phone as soon as it started ringing, and Olivia listened in abject confusion to his end of the conversation.

"Stabler….yes, I know...couldn't have been stupider." He dropped his head back against his head rest and stared at the road ahead and the rush of the cars passing them. "No..I didn't...not doing her any damn good though is it. Or me. I'm sitting in a car, with my partner, who fucking hates me right now and there's no reason for it! All this time and no one else has got through to her. No! I'm not bringing her back until i've at least tried. I was only gonna take her to the squad room, but if you're not gonna give me a chance to do this my way, and just take her back. She has to hear me out...ok..ok...put him on…"

Olivia watched silently as Elliot listened to the phone intently, "I get that, I do….but what if it's making her worse. That can happen right? Yeah so...one is for that, but then she has another one to counter that….and that could be causing more damage, right? That's possible? It won't hurt her if we just...ok...good luck with that." Elliot held out his cellphone, looking at Olivia with a seriousness that unnerved her. "Talk to Munch."

Olivia hesitantly took the phone, "Munch?"

'Liv, it's good to hear your voice. Listen to me - your partner has been a little reckless here - but I don't for a minute expect him to turn back now. I need you to consider what i'm telling you - it might be hard to understand, but I am telling you the truth. You're on three different kinds of medications, the second two are countering the side effects…..and they're pretty serious meds. You can't just go cold turkey and if Elliot doesn't get access to what you're taking then not only are you gonna get worse before you get better, but you could be at serious risk of seizure.'

"Munch what the hell are you talking about? This is completely insane!"

'Olivia, while being impulsive and no doubt borderline desperate, Elliot has got himself in a little trouble here. Hear him out before anyone catches up with you, because if they don't charge him with abduction then they will wrap him up with IAB and red tape for so long that he won't get to come back and see you till you are nicely doped up again. Trust him about the meds and hear him out.'

As much as she wanted to outright reject Munch's words, an underlying feeling of fear crept up on her - she felt an unexplained need to almost go along with Munch and her former partner - and there was no sense to that in her mind at all. Yet till, she felt compelled to.

"Ok Munch," she said, with an obvious degree of resignation, "I think you and Elliot are as insane as each other right now, but I'll talk to him, if anything just to end this, so I can get back work."

Passing the phone back to Elliot, she realised she was trembling a little, and hastily put her hands down to her sides, hoping that Elliot wouldn't notice.

Elliot glanced away quickly, her actions not escaping his notice, but doing his best to pretend that he didn't see. 'What do I need to know Munch?...ok...so you get the anti-seizure drugs, and we can just stop the...what was it?...ok Ace...tylcholine,...and she sure as hell doesn't need antipsychotics...we stop that and she'll remember who the hell I am and who she is, right?"

Olivia moved her trembling hands to her lap and looked down, his voice becoming distant, his words a muffled jumble of confusion as she felt the sting of tears behind her eyes, and total confusion as to why she was crying.

"Hey," Elliot's voice was next to her, suddenly gentle and cautious and no longer full of anger and frustration, "you ok?"

"Sure," she whispered, as she raised her head just enough to see his hand reaching for her shoulder, freezing just short of touching her before hesitating and moving back into his seat, the distance between them suddenly seeming vast and impossible.

"Wanna hear a joke?" he said, as he switched his phone off and tossed it into the backseat before starting the engine.

Olivia, still fighting back tears, merely nodded.

"They put a damn APB out on my car. Cragen accused me of abducting you, and putting your life in danger. That's hilarious Liv, isn't it?" he said, his voice flat.

Olivia looked up, taking a breath to control herself before turning to meet his eyes as he glanced at her, "funniest thing i've heard all day." she replied quietly.

They drove in silence, Elliot well aware of her unease, but unsure what he could say to make her feel any better. He tried small talk, but she wasn't in the slightest bit receptive.

"Where are we going?" she finally said.

"Well my plan got kinda derailed when they took out an APB, so now we are liaising with a friend of Munch's who is gonna give me your meds."

Olivia turned quickly to look at him, alarm flashing in her eyes, "What? Elliot I don't need to take anything!"

"It's ok, you...had surgery a few weeks ago. I know you won't believe this...but you had a pretty bad head injury, then you went to….to this op...and...shit Liv, " he said with a sigh, "I don't know how to do this, except to tell you the truth, because no one is doing that. Huang goes on about you being fragile right now...but you're not. I'll never look at you and see you as fragile. You're the strongest person I know for living through this."

Olivia turned away and leant against the car door, resting her head as she felt overwhelmed with emotion and confusion. Elliot recognised her need to shut down, to hide her fear and pain from him. It hurt - everything about this hurt, but he did what she needed him to, and did not comment.

He drove on.

50 miles east, they finally stopped at a motel, Elliot had driven past several that were on the outskirts of town, not wanting to be in such an obvious location should his car be spotted. Finally settling on a more populated area, he felt confident that it would be harder to single out his car, and he checked in giving false names to a small motel just as it began to get dark.

He closed the door, and slid the chain across, securing the bolt. Straightaway his eyes followed Olivia's to the double bed in the middle of the room and he instantly felt the need to justify that he had to keep her in the same room with him. Feeling suddenly awkward and momentarily panicked that he had given Olivia entirely the wrong impression, he spoke with an obvious hint of anxiety in his voice, that almost made Olivia smile.

"You can have the bed...I didn't mean that we had to...I meant there's a couch and i'm pretty sure it pulls out into a bed…I just, need you in here with me, and..."

"It's fine, you're a very thoughtful kidnapper Elliot," she said.

He looked at her in surprise, not expecting the slight lightness to her tone.

He smiled, crossing the room, intending to stand next to her, but stopped as she held up her hands.

"Elliot…"she said, her voice instantly shaking as she prepared herself to ask the question she had needed an answer to for so long, "don't. Just...you wanted to explain, so do it. Where have you been?"

Elliot sighed and resisted the urge to take a step closer to her, wanting to take her in his arms and hold her, but remembering that she was confused and angry with him and the gesture probably wouldn't be met with anything less than another physical blow from her.

He opted instead to pull out the chair from the desk opposite the bed and turn it around, sitting down as she followed suit and sat on the bed, fiddling with her hands as she met his eyes cautiously.

"Liv I haven't been anywhere - since you woke up..they wouldn't let me see you...they said it would...look, let me explain all this, but hear me out ok?"

Olivia nodded, swallowing and trying to push aside the feeling of dread that crept up on her. Her gut reaction was to get up and walk out, take his keys and drive back. The chain wasn't on the door, the bolt wasn't drawn - he was doing nothing to stop her from leaving, yet she just couldn't get up and walk away. Something inside of her compelled her to remain with him, however unbelievable his actions were, and however confusing his words sounded to her.

"There was a shooting in the squad room. Do you remember Jenna Fox?"

Olivia frowned, and shook her head, trying hard to recall the name, "that name sounds familiar but i don't know why…." Pausing, she hesitated, unsure whether to reveal something so personal, but feeling deeply unsettled by the similarity with her nightmares. "I remember shots being fired, but I don't..I don't remember much about it...other than the fact that I didn't see you again after that. My dreams twist it around and i'm not sure what actually happened now….her name..was Jenna?"

"Yeah," he whispered, visibly tensing, "Jenna."

He closed his eyes for the briefest moment, meeting her eyes as soon as he opened them. Olivia saw such grief reflected back at her that it struck her. She didn't question her sudden need to listen - the pain he obviously felt was a mystery to her, but the only thing that seemed to make sense to her, was that she had to know why he was hurting so much.

"Listen Liv, she brought a gun in, we didn't know, we never could have predicted it. She started shooting, I should've...should've stopped her sooner, but I didn't, I fired, I..killed her..but I was a fraction of a second too late... and you got shot. You were in surgery for hours, then they put you in coma to help your brain heal - your skull was fractured...when you woke up, you didn't know who I was at first, you were scared." he paused as he took in her reaction to his words, he couldn't tell if she was accepting what he was telling her or not.

"Your memory was messed up, and you had side effects from the surgery...you had convulsions, I was holding your hand and...it was damn scary Liv. I thought…" he looked at her, her breath catching at the tears in his eyes, "I thought you were gonna die."

"El...why are you saying this?" she whispered, disbelief and pain colouring her voice. "Why are you doing this?"

"Because it's true, please, think about what i'm saying. You're on antipsychotics because the anti...other shit, got you confused and scared and lashing out. But you don't need that, you just need the anti seizure stuff...if you have side effects from that….then we can deal with it together...you just...you need to be...you. You need to get yourself back so you can make informed decisions about your own care." he paused, watching her. She was clearly confused and uncertain by his words and the emotion behind them. Realizing he had to keep going and take it as far as he could, he didn't pause to give her time to absorb or analyse.

"I tried to stop them putting you on antipsychotics...Munch told me how bad the side effects could be, especially mixed with these other drugs, but the doctors went to court and they won. So they put you on stronger and stronger meds, and you don't…" he paused, taking a breath, "you don't know who you are anymore. You're in this warped version of real life...I mean...you think you're playing happy families with Ed Tucker - I don't even know why your mind did that, but when you come back to me Liv, when you're you again...you're gonna be damn embarrassed about that one. Christ, if that son of a bitch ever hears about that..."

Olivia wiped a shaking hand at the tears running down her cheeks, suddenly not bothered if he saw her apparent weakness - they were more tears of confusion than anything else. Her head was beginning to hurt the more she tried to understand his words.

"I'm…"she said, ignoring a sob as it escaped her, "on an undercover op, at the hospital...and you...you walked out of my life and you didn't even answer my calls.."

"You think that's even possible Liv? Does that makes any kind of sense to you? That I could just walk away from you one day, just like that?" He paused, keeping his emotions in check as best as he could, knowing that he needed to finish. "How could you even think that I would do that? Don't you know what you mean to me?"

"I thought I did," she whispered, "guess I was wrong."

Elliot stood up, her eyes following him as he walked towards the bathroom and opened the door. "Come here for a minute - I just - if I show you something...it'll make more sense."

Olivia frowned "something in the bathroom?"

"Just - do this for me, ok? Give me this one chance to prove to you that you can trust me. I need you to see this, because...I'm guessing they don't have too many mirrors on the ward you were in."

Olivia tensed, an unexplained feeling of dread coursing through her once again, but she stood - their eyes locking as she made her way silently over to him.

She watched as he took her hand in his, letting out at a breath that she didn't even realise she was holding at the feel of his touch. He stepped back into the bathroom and despite herself, she felt so right with him - and allowed him to lead her inside.

Stopping as soon as she was through the door, without a word spoken between them, he pulled her into his arms. Despite her anger, she couldn't help her instinctive reaction as her arms slipped around him, settling on his back, her head turning to rest on his broad chest.

It was warmth, love and honesty - things that her life had been devoid of for a long time. She smiled as she felt him pull back slightly, the faintest touch of his lips, as he softly kissed her head.

"I'm just so glad you're here Liv." he whispered, "we've wasted so much time, and..shit I can't put this on you right now. Just know I'd never hurt you like you think I have."

Olivia met his eyes; the honesty and love she saw was undeniable.

Without another word, he stepped back, once again taking her hand.

He led her to to the mirror but she didn't look, she was too wrapped up in the feel of his hand holding hers, the way she was so full of confusion and unspent tears, yet that feeling; of his arms around her, his warmth as he held her, his lips gently brushing against her temple...in that moment she didn't feel afraid of what he was going to show her.

She felt her breathing slow as she relaxed despite her confusion, once his hand reached up, his fingers raking through with an odd familiarity, sweeping it across to the other side.

Taking her shoulders he gently turned her to face the mirror, her eyes remained down, focused on the sink until she felt his hands gently squeeze her shoulders - "look up Liv, it's ok, you don't have to be afraid to look."

Olivia hesitantly let her eyes move up to the mirror staring hard into her own eyes, thinking only that she looked….younger, than she should have, before Elliot moved his hand to her chin, tilting her head to the right.

Her hand instantly moved up to a large scar on the side of her head. And her eyes widened in shock, she took a sudden step backwards, colliding with the solid warmth of Elliot's chest.

He instantly wrapped his arms around her waist, holding her gently, but firmly enough that he would be able to stop her from falling.

"They only shaved as much as they needed to so they could operate- they did a good job - with your hair down you can hardly notice it. It doesn't matter if the scar doesn't fade - you won't see it under your hair. You had a bad crack in your skull..it'll take time to heal fully...and you know what? They said it wasn't looking good when they first brought you in, but you showed them all." he paused, realising he was speaking so fast that she probably wasn't taking in anything he was saying.

He gave her a moment as she leant closer to the mirror, turning her head slightly and examining the scar, her fingers cautiously touching the healing wound. Her breathing was rapid as her heart raced. She tried hard to focus on his words - his voice a beacon for her to hold on to through her confusion and shock. She stared hard at her reflection, her fingers gingerly touching the shorter hair covering the scar.

"They moved you off the high dependency unit - but then they transferred you to the psych ward because you weren't coming out of this world in your head that you sorta slipped into. They said it was the shock - it kinda made you lose yourself in a fantasy." he paused, taking a breath, "But Munch said they over medicate and it's in their interests to keep people on long term meds...he says they make money out of stopping patients getting well. It sounds damn crazy though...but gotta admit on one level I believe it. I agree with him on this - the drugs are making you worse, not better."

Olivia continued to run her fingers lightly over the scar, the light regrowth of her hair feeling both alarming and comforting at the same time.

Through the mirror, her eyes met his, the panic and shock she felt diminishing as the love and warmth in his eyes reached her.

"This can't be real El...this is crazy," she said, her voice breaking as a sob escaped her.

His heart broke at the sound, knowing that he was reaching her, but hating that he was hurting her.

"I wish it was, it's been hell, but every time they told me you weren't going to get through, you showed them and you improved...I didn't leave you Liv - I didn't walk out of your life - hell I didn't even leave the hospital for the first 3 or 4 days." he paused, holding her closer, "I didn't wanna leave you for a damn second. They got that fucking court order and said they were gonna stop me seeing you if I got in the way. Not that it made a difference, they did that anyway."

"If this..if what you're saying is true, if it was true…. " she paused, feeling suddenly nauseous, before lowering her voice to a whisper "Would I be ok again?"

"Yeah Liv, you will…..I know you will. You'll set off every metal detector you ever pass through from now on, given what they did to put you back together again but that's a small price to pay for you being alive."

"I remember...Cragen telling me you put your papers in. Calling you and you didn't pick up…" she said, her voice coloured by confusion as she continued to stare at her reflection in shock.

"Look Liv, " he said, losing the battle against the emotion that he struggled to keep out of the conversation, so he could say everything that he needed to, "It's been hell. So i'm throwing the boundaries out of the window because for some reason you seem to hate me, so what do I have left to lose? If the woman I love and respect thinks i'm callous and don't feel so much for her that it keeps me awake at night, then I can forget about worrying about ruining our friendship and our partnership, because you think I already have."

Olivia tensed slightly as his arms slipped away from her waist, the loss of his warmth causing a small shiver. He took her hand and tugged gently, giving her a moment to react, before she stepped forward and he was able to lead her out of the bathroom. Her eyes locked with his as he sat down with her on the bed, reluctantly letting go of her hand, leaving just enough distance that he could reach for her if she would let him.

He paused for a moment, ensuring that she was ready to listen. She ran her fingers through her hair, pulling it over her scar, before settling her hands on her lap hesitantly and meeting his eyes.

"I love you Olivia. I don't know why your mind decided that I was gonna be some bastard who could walk out of your life and never speak to you again. Or why you live in this fictional world. Maybe...maybe you feel better there. Maybe you gave yourself a baby and you can't leave that fantasy, but you could do that here…with me Liv. We could. If you let me be a part of your life in that way. We could do that together. You could be a mom - and what I said, it still stands, it always does. However you wanna do that…"

"You'll support me." she said quietly as she closed her eyes, creating a futile barrier as her tears only escaped faster.

Elliot edged closer then stopped, knowing it was important that the choices remained with her. Instead he simply held out his arms and waited, hoping that she would choose to let him comfort her, and not retreat further into her fantasy.

Olivia paused, looking at him with uncertainty, fighting her need to close the distance between them and sink into his embrace.

His heart broke when she didn't come to him, her mind still battling to make sense of everything he had told her.

"But if it's not real - what about the others? Amanda, Carisi?"

Elliot let his arms drop heavily back to his sides, his hope that he could get through to her beginning to fade.

"Look Liv," he said, as he shifted on the bed, pulling his cellphone from his pocket, only vaguely noticing the large number of missed calls, voicemails and text messages, "I got Munch to do some digging. He sent me some stuff that might help...this, is your Amanda."

He held the phone out to her, but she didn't take it, staring straight at the screen, confused. "What is this?" she asked.

"Amanda….she kept telling you she wasn't Amanda...please hold onto that and take that on board. Read the article. Her name is Elizabeth Potter, she was admitted to the hospital two weeks before you, she attempted suicide. They moved you to that psych ward after they changed your meds. I hated it baby, you didn't belong there."

"This...this could easily be faked Elliot…" she said, as she passed the phone back to him hesitantly.

Elliot immediately pressed the arrow keys and brought up the next image, holding the phone out towards her, "what about this then..this is Carisi...a patient called Matthew Robson, who has been there for over 5 years. He's just playing the game with you Liv, he's lonely and you talk to him, so he plays along."

"No El, they're real...they're not patients….what about Dodds?"

"He was only there for a week, the feedback we got was that he was a decent guy, and he recognised your need to form these characters...he just went along with it. They are all patients. Liv, I wouldn't leave you...in what world would that ever make sense? Don't let go of that fact...because that might be what brings you home to me,"

Olivia looked at him, the pain that he had caused with the words he had spoken and the evidence he had showed her, clearly affecting her. She dropped her eyes, staring at the ground for a moment before looking back up, their eyes meeting as she spoke in a grief stricken whisper, "but what about Noah?"

His heart broke at her words. In trying to bring her back, trying to help her, he would steal a part of her that she honestly thought was real. He felt like that bastard she thought he was, for robbing her of something she had longed for for years. But she couldn't continue like it, he had to help her. He couldn't sit by as they pumped more and more drugs into her already clouded and confused mind.

"I'm sorry Liv, there never was a baby...but it doesn't have to be that way...we can change that...it won't be the child in your mind, but we can have our own. I swear to you Liv, i'm not lying to you. I love you, and I nearly lost you, and I can't sit by while every day there is less and less of you left."

He swallowed, raising his arms again, and closing his eyes, praying that this time she would come to him.

Olivia took a deep, shaky breath, and silently edged closer, suddenly wanting to feel his warmth again. Slipping her arms around his waist, she relaxed along with him as she felt him sigh in relief, allowing herself to sink into the warmth of his hold as his arms wrapped around her, pulling her close.

"You're detective Olivia Benson, it's 2011 and you're my partner. Cragen and Munch haven't retired and you've had enough pain in your life - you were never abducted by Lewis - your mind created a monster and made you its victim, and you just got locked away deeper and deeper into a world that doesn't exist." he paused, fighting the tears that welled up as fast as his words had come tumbling out.

"I love you, and I miss you...and I want you back."