Here's Act II, as promised! Hope you guys are liking it! Acts III and IV will be posted within the next few days :)
ACT II
II.1
(Lights go up on ALBUS and SCORPIUS and DELPHI jogging in circles center stage.)
SCORPIUS
Okay. So this thing has only just begun and it's almost half killed us. I feel like I've learned a little about me and a lot about you, and this has been great, but -
ALBUS
But you want to keep going. With me.
SCORPIUS
I- yeah. With you.
DELPHI
Hey guys?
SCORPIUS
Oh. You're still here.
DELPHI
So, we have the time turner. How are we going to carry out the next step of my evil plan? Er, our "evil plan." Are we going to storm in with our wands blazing, killing everyone and destroying things? I think we should storm in with our wands blazing, killing everyone and destroying things.
ALBUS
We can just wing it!
SCORPIUS
Well, that is what your dad always did…
ALBUS
We need a plan.
SCORPIUS
(Reciting)
In the triwizard tournament of 1994, champion Cedric Diggory faced down the Norwegian Ridgeback, using the advanced transfiguration principle known as-
DELPHI
Sounds like a great time to storm in with our wands blazing, killing everyone and destroying things.
SCORPIUS
Aren't we supposed to be the good guys?
DELPHI
Um…. Distraction! Changing the subject! He used magic. Stop him from using magic. Got it. Great plan! Let's go!
SCORPIUS
I don't think you should come with us.
DELPHI
But you need me!
SCORPIUS
I don't know… something in the wind - or foreshadowing - is telling me that it's a bad idea to time travel with you.
DELPHI
Albus?
ALBUS
I want to go with Scorpius.
(ALBUS takes SCORPIUS' hand.)
DELPHI
Fine.
SCORPIUS
(Eyeing DELPHI suspiciously)
Come on, let's go.
(ALBUS and SCORPIUS hold hands and turn the time turner back together. The lights fade almost to a blackout and then fade slowly back in.)
ALBUS
Wow. It felt like time stopped. And then it turned over, thought a bit, and began spooling backwards, slow at first, but then it sped up.
SCORPIUS
What the bloody hell are you on, Al?
ALBUS
I thought it was poetic…
SCORPIUS
Well, did it work?
(The lights suddenly become extremely bright, and the FULL CAST begins to cheer, offstage, as LUDO BAGMAN enters upstage center.)
LUDO BAGMAN
And there they are. Ladies and gentlemen – boys and girls – I present to you THE CHAMPIONS. Representing Durmstrang, what eyebrows, what a gait, what a boy, there's nothing he won't try on a broomstick, it's Viktor Krazy Krum.
(KRUM enters stage left)
From the Beauxbatons Academy – zut alors, it's Fleur Delacour!
(FLEUR enters stage left)
And from Hogwarts not one but two students, he makes us all go weaky at the kneesy, he's Cedric Delicious Diggory.
(CEDRIC enters stage left)
And then the other – you know him as the Boy Who Lived, I know him as the boy who keeps preventing Hogwarts from educating … Yes, it's Harry Plucky Potter.
(Slight pause as everyone looks stage left, waiting for Harry to enter)
Unfortunately, due to poor choices in double casting, Harry Potter will not be in this scene! Cedric is up first, against the Rambunctious Ridgeback!
CEDRIC
I'm certain I will find a way to defeat this dragon! Because I'm a Hufflepuff! And Hufflepuffs are good finders!
(The "dragon" enters – a TECHIE with a dragon puppet approaching from behind the audience. The CROWD gasps and screams, still offstage. ACTORS scream ad libs along the lines of "Don't harm our, precious, delicious Diggory, Mr. Dragon!" and "We like him pretty!")
CEDRIC
Aguamenti!
(A second TECHIE rushes on with a water gun and stands in front of Cedric, shooting water at the dragon.)
SCORPIUS
Albus, the time turner is acting suspicious…
ALBUS
I'm sure it's not another arbitrary plot device sneaking up on us. It's probably nothing.
SCORPIUS
Albus, it's got to be another arbitrary plot device. Hurry, before time travel makes us only able to speak in rhyme while we're back in time or we can only walk in vertical lines or we're exiled to a life of crime!
ALBUS
(Rushed, waving his wand)
Expelliarmus!
(A TECHIE runs on and grabs CEDRIC'S wand, running offstage with it. The CROWD gasps.)
CEDRIC
I find it very suspicious that I have been disarmed.
LUDO BAGMAN
This is Hogwarts; of course there is no magic in place to prevent foul play! There are no rules! Cedric Dismal Diggory has been disqualified.
SCORPIUS
(As if being pulled by the time turner, begins to run offstage right)
What a convenient time for the arbitrary plot device to kick in!
(ALBUS grabs SCORPIUS' hand and they exit stage right together.)
ALBUS
(Yelling from offstage)
Wait, this isn't how time travel worked a minute ago!
SCORPIUS
(Also yelling from offstage)
I'd get used to it if I were you!
(ALBUS and SCORPIUS enter center stage and the lights flash very brightly for a second and then return to normal.)
ALBUS
I guess this means we're back. It felt like time twisted, and turned over and then spooled into-
SCORPIUS
Are you going to say that every time?
ALBUS
My delicate-
SCORPIUS
Emo
ALBUS
-Constitution can't handle all this excitement. Especially not you interrupting me like that.
(ALBUS faints. SCORPIUS waves his arms in helpless frustration, as RON, GINNY, DRACO, and HARRY enter stage left.)
DRACO
What has precipitated this improper profanation?
SCORPIUS
Oh no. I am not dealing with this alone. Wake up Al!
(ALBUS wakes up, but clearly wishes he hadn't.)
Oh no. Now I have gone deaf.
HARRY
Albus Severus Potter, what the bloody hell were you thinking?!
ALBUS
(Whining)
But Daaaaaad, I only did exactly what you would have done when you were my age!
HARRY
Right, but I'm Harry Potter. I'm too awesome to fuck things up. But playing with time in a way that totally goes against canon? You could have done some serious damage, scout.
ALBUS
You don't understand me, Dad!
HARRY
I understand a lot of things, son. I may not be a know-it-all like Hermione Granger, but I'm still pretty smart - it comes with being The Boy Who Lived. And right now I understand that this plot needs some angst! Therefore, since it was clearly Scorpius' fault-
ALBUS
I was the one who talked him into it!
HARRY
I know that, I was backstage for the entire thing, and my hearing is awesome. But it was his fault that you talked him into it! And as a result, you can never see Scorpius again!
ALBUS
I hate you, Dad!
GINNY
Harry, are you sure you want to do this in front of everyone…?
HARRY
Why shouldn't we, babe? It's not like Scorpius can hear us. And since I have no concept of how it feels to be alone and friendless as a child, because I'm too cool and popular to have ever been friendless, I can continue to be the dick that the plot requires me to be!
GINNY
Honestly Harry, don't you think you're being a little harsh? He's the boy's first… friend.
HARRY
What are you talking about? Albus has had plenty of friends in the past, what's so special about this one?
GINNY
(Sighing)
…...Nothing Harry. Nothing at all.
DRACO
Well, I am pleased to see I do not possess the only dysfunctional partnership with my progeny. Depart after me, son, let us go repair your phonic perception.
SCORPIUS
Oh it's fine father. My sudden loss of hearing is cured, now that they're done talking about me!
ALBUS
Uncle Ron, you're married to the Minister of Magic; you'd know. Isn't this illegal or something?!
RON
The Minister of Magic? Dear me no. Don't you know your own Aunt Padma, son?
ALBUS
Aunt Padma? I don't have an Aunt Padma!
RON
Well, that's a very hurtful thing to say, young man. And I'm so henpecked that I can't help but tell her about it later, since apparently I can't handle being married to a strong woman, though when I was backstage earlier, I could have sworn that I was doing just fine with that in an alternate timeline…
ALBUS
But you're married to Hermione!
RON
Oh Merlin no! No, no no, no.
ALBUS
But if you aren't married to Hermione, then Rose and Hugo don't exist! Scorpius, what have we done?!
SCORPIUS
Who's Rose?
ALBUS
Rose. My cousin?
SCORPIUS
Oh No! Not Rose!
GINNY
Wait, didn't Ron have a child with Hermione?
HARRY
Not to brag or anything, but I think I'd remember something like that.
GINNY
I feel like they were supposed to be really important…
HARRY
Babe, they couldn't have been that important if they were on stage for such a little amount of time that we forgot about them.
GINNY
Oh, right, of course, carry on.
DRACO
I perceive that the plot is pulling me.
RON
You feel it too?
DRACO
Come, let us depart.
(DRACO, RON, and SCORPIUS exit stage right. MCGONAGALL enters stage left.)
HARRY
McGonagall, I want you to keep my Gryffindor son away from that Malfoy boy. I think he's the son of Voldemort.
GINNY
You do?!
ALBUS
Gryffindor?!
HARRY
Yes. To both of you.
GINNY and ALBUS
Cool. Well, you must be right then.
HARRY
And I'm going to give you the Marauder's Map in order to keep an eye on my son so that he doesn't get up to any Marauding like I did when I was his age.
MCGONAGALL
….Because that's what the map is supposed to be used for.
HARRY
Did you really just talk back to me? Harry Potter? The Boy Who Lived? Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, and best Auror there ever was? You know I can bring down the wrath of the ministry on you if you don't do whatever I say, right?
MCGONAGALL
I knew I should have gotten child services involved while you were still little. That's how the government is actually supposed to interfere with parent-child relationships.
HARRY
Oh c'mon Professor, I think you're just too scared of getting fired to do what is right, because that's what your personality has always told us about you. And I'm Harry Potter, so that means I'm always right!
MCGONAGALL
If you say so. I'm certainly not going to stand up to you.
ALBUS
This settles it. I'm alone in the universe. And I changed my mind. I don't want to be in Gryffindor anymore! I like being bullied.
GINNY
I understand you, son, but I'm certainly not going to say anything to your father about it.
ALBUS
Thanks mom.
MCGONAGALL
Now it is time for you to begin your new school experience with me as your father's minion!
(MCGONAGALL, HARRY, and GINNY run off stage left. HERMIONE enters stage left, and the FULL CAST enters as students in ALBUS' class.)
HERMIONE
Ah yes. Our runaway. Finally joining us.
ALBUS
Hermione?
HERMIONE
Professor Granger I believe is my name, Potter.
ALBUS
What are you doing here?
HERMIONE
Teaching. For my sins. What are you doing here? Learning I hope.
ALBUS
But you're . . . you're . . . Minister for Magic.
HERMIONE
Boy, didn't you know my self-worth was always tied into my relationships with men? How could I ever hope to be a successful Minister for Magic without a certain blithering, red-haired idiot by my side? And of course I would turn into a Snape-Umbridge hybrid, because I always had such an abrasive, uncaring personality that was only mitigated by my affection for the aforementioned idiot. Ten points from Gryffindor for stupidity.
ALBUS
But you're not this mean.
HERMIONE
And that's twenty points from Gryffindor to assure you, Potter, that I am this mean.
ALBUS
Can I just say—
HERMIONE
How dare you! Fifty points from Gryffindor. And I assure you if anyone interrupts me again it'll be a hundred points. You're stuck with me.
(Blackout.)
II.2
(Hogwarts library. ALBUS sits at a table, sulking. SCORPIUS enters, spots him, squares his shoulders, and approaches)
SCORPIUS
Okay, what gives? You've been avoiding me all week!
(Beat)
Did I do something wrong?
ALBUS
What, weren't you listening in the last scene? Dad forbade me to talk to you ever again. Stupid parents.
SCORPIUS
No, I didn't hear that at all! Damn momentary deafness.
ALBUS
Now quick, you should go away and let me sulk alone, before McGonagall sees on the Marauder's Map that we're together.
SCORPIUS
But Albus, we need to figure out how to fix what we did! Hermione is a bitter Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Rose doesn't exist-
ALBUS
Neither does Hugo.
SCORPIUS
Yeah, whatever. I don't care about him. I can't exactly have a crush on Hugo, can I? Me, have a crush on a guy? That would be ridiculous.
ALBUS
Sorry, you're right. Go on?
SCORPIUS
We never should have gone back to save Cedric. Professor Croaker's Law says that the farthest you can go back in time without causing serious ripples is five hours, and we went back years.
ALBUS
But Scorp, how does that law exist? Before now there haven't been any Time-Turners that could go back farther than five hours. And you said that in Prisoner of Azkaban time travel was a closed loop, there were no ripples –
SCORPIUS
I don't see how poking holes in this ridiculous justification to make our plot seem more realistic is helping.
ALBUS
Yeah, I guess it's not. I'm sorry, I'm just so sexually frustrated!
SCORPIUS
What?
ALBUS
I said I'm just frustrated. With my Dad. Because he's stupid. But maybe if we go back in time and change something else, we'll fix everything and be together again!
(ALBUS pulls the Time-Turner out from his pocket. SCORPIUS lunges for it)
SCORPIUS
Albus, are you crazy! We can't fix things that way! So much can go wrong if we aren't careful. We should just ask someone to help us.
(They wrestle, rolling around on the floor)
ALBUS
Why would you want to ask a third person? It's always been just the two of us! We'll take things slow, and it'll be great this time.
(Their wrestling becomes more sexual in nature. The Time-Turner rolls away from them, but neither notices as they continue to roll around on the floor)
SCORPIUS
Are we friends that wrestle sexually now? Okay. I – I like it.
(They resume wrestling until PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL'S voice comes in from offstage)
PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL
Albus Potter, Scorpius Malfoy! Are you in there – together? Because I advise you not to be!
(ALBUS and SCORPIUS freeze, with ALBUS on top)
ALBUS
Scorpius, if she sees us together…
SCORPIUS
We should run! Now if you would just get off of me –
ALBUS
No, there has to be an easier way…
(Thinks for a moment)
That's it! If she sees us together.
(He reaches into his pocket and pulls out his father's Invisibility Cloak)
Here, I nicked Dad's Invisibility Cloak from James. We should both be able to fit!
(They remain in a compromising position with SCORPIUS on the bottom as ALBUS throws the cloak over them. PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL enters)
PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL
This is your last warning! I'm coming in! Are you both fully clothed, at least? Should I cover my eyes?
(She looks around, then down at the Marauder's Map in her hands, then back up again)
How strange!
(PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL begins to search the stage. ALBUS shifts a bit on top of SCORPIUS to keep her in his sight, accidentally doing something uncomfortable to SCORPIUS - SCORPIUS groans involuntarily. PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL stops and smirks.)
The cloak? Clever boys! Well, if I didn't see you, I didn't see you.
(She begins to walk offstage)
Don't forget protection!
ALBUS
What was all that she was saying about clothing and protection?
SCORPIUS
Haven't the foggiest.
(They pull off the cloak but remain in a compromising position on the floor)
ALBUS
Ah well, she is pretty old. I'll never understand adults. And they don't understand me. No one does.
SCORPIUS
I understand you. You're like, well, an open book to me.
(There is a pause where it seems as if they are about to kiss)
For some reason I feel compelled to bring up Rose right now. Maybe you're right, maybe we do need to go back in time again.
ALBUS
Yes. What did you have in mind?
SCORPIUS
Let's humiliate Cedric in the second task of the Triwizard Tournament. He'll be too embarrassed to go into the maze in the third task. Everyone knows Hufflepuffs don't like to work hard or push through obstacles in front of them – they always just quit while they're behind.
ALBUS
But how does that bring back Rose and Hugo?
SCORPIUS
It doesn't.
ALBUS
Okay, as long as we're on the same page.
II.3
(Albus and Scorpius stumble around the stage Star Trek Original Series style while the lights flash)
SCORPIUS
Well that was needlessly complicated.
ALBUS
Oh for crying out loud!
SCORPIUS
Never mind that, listen!
LUDO BAGMAN
Welcome welcome everybody, you may have thought dragons were intense, you may have thought things couldn't go up from there, but have we got news for you! For the second task of the Tri Wizard Tournament, I present to you… A LAKE!
Now before you all go and lose your heads, I am told that all contestants were asked if they could swim, and given complimentary vanity life jackets.
Now before I welcome our contestants, I want to ask our audience to put on sunglasses before they are blinded by the beauty of Durmstrang's own Victor Krum!
From Beauxbatons, it's the one, the only, the Fleuriest, Fleur Delacour!
And from Hogwarts, We have the dynamic duo, Harry "I swear it's a real scar and I am not just going through a phase" Potter, and Cedric "Totally not a Death Eater" Diggory! Since we haven't been able to find an actor willing to play Cedric since Act II Scene 1, once again Harry Potter will remain conspicuously absent from this scene!
ALBUS
Where did they even find this guy?
SCORPIUS
We need to find some way to humiliate Cedric!
ALBUS
I like it when you are all business.
SCORPIUS
Huh?
ALBUS
Nothing… So, uh, what happened the first time, I mean this time, I mean the real time, I mean, uh, you know what I mean?
SCORPIUS
He used a Bubble charm to be able to breathe underwater.
ALBUS
Right! I knew that, I was just checking if you did.
(Beat)
Hmmm. We could try to inflate his head, you know, so he floats like a balloon! Then his head will be so big he'll be just like my dad!
SCORPIUS
OK, first, skulls don't stretch. Second, you do get Balloons rise because of what's in them right? It's not just because its "air" in there. And if we fill his head with helium, all we do is save Voldemort the trouble of killing him. So I am going to have to give that one a rain check.
ALBUS
Ok, what if we pants him?
SCORPIUS
Far more manageable, but how do we get near him? Wouldn't people see us?
ALBUS
Duh, Magic. C'mon Scorpius, you're not thinking with your wand.
(SCORPIUS motions with his wand. A TECHIE runs on and tries to pants Cedric but fails. It is revealed that Cedric is wearing a belt. The TECHIE leaves in exasperation)
SCORPIUS
No good, his pants must be magic proof!
ALBUS
Crap. You have any other ideas?
SCORPIUS
We could pie him?
ALBUS
Can you throw a pie?
SCORPIUS
No, I am so unathletic I once struck out at Tee Ball, can you?
ALBUS
Sadly no, all the sports genes went to James.
SCORPIUS
Well shit.
DELPHI
(from offstage)
Oh for goodness sakes. IMPERIO!
(Cedric proceeds to pants himself, then manages to create a pie with "magic" (TECHIES) and hits himself in the face with it)
LUDO BAGMAN
Well you've seen it here first folks, Cedric is unveiling a brand new strategy, the likes of which we have never seen, and may never see again. Such majesty, such grace, such utter humiliation, I don't think anyone here will ever let Cedric live this down, dare I say we might even push him down a road that leads to hate, racism, fascism, and even wearing all black. But that's very unlikely, after all Cedric is such a kind hearted, humble young man. What's this? There are fireworks in the sky that says "RON LOVES HERMIONEE! NO IT HAS ONE E, FINE SMART ASS IT HAS TWO E'S BUT THEY AREN'T TOGETHER. CAN YOU JUST SAY RON LOVES HERMION-" and it looks like the fireworks ran out folks. That was certainly interesting.
SCORPIUS
WHOA! What did you do?
ALBUS
Oh, I just went to talk to Fred and George when we traveled back here-
SCORPIUS
What? How? I've been with you the entire time!
(ALBUS shrugs.)
ALBUS
None of this makes any sense. Just go with it.
(Red lights flash while ALBUS and SCORPIUS run clockwise in a circle to travel back to their current time)
