Truth in Therapy
Part 2
by Trycee
Time Line: Season 4, between Elegy and Gethsemane
Disclaimer: I do not own the X-Files. This is written for fun not Profit.
Scully pushed the elevator button and waited for it to reach her floor. The door opened and Mulder walked out. He grabbed her hand, "Hey Scully, I was just looking for you. I guess you went to lunch already."
She smiled at him and placed her hand on top of his. "Sorry Mulder. Where are you going?"
"Got some business to take care of but I'll see you downstairs, right?"
"Of course.", she said, trying to stop her stomach from growling. She stepped onto the elevator and Mulder waited until the door closed. He then made his way to Dr. Karen Kossoff's office.
"Come in!"
Mulder opened the door and shook the therapist hand. "Have a seat, Agent Mulder."
Mulder sat down on the couch that Scully had been seated just a few moments before. He could smell a hint of Scully's perfume but he couldn't be sure if it were real or his imagination.
"How can I help you?"
"I think I need to speak to someone", he said, clearing his throat.
Karen sat down across from him in her armchair. She took out her notepad and then looked over to a nervous Mulder. "Whatever we discuss in here will not go any further than this room, Agent Mulder. No one has access to your files but me and you."
"Alright," he said, adjusting his tie.
"What brings you here, Agent Mulder? Can I call you Fox?"
"Mulder's fine," he grimaced.
"Okay, what brings you here."
Mulder slumped his shoulders and breathed heavily. "My partner has cancer."
"I'm sorry. How does that make you feel."
"Like its my fault!", he said as tears streamed down his cheek.
"Why would it be your fault?"
"If it weren't for me she wouldn't have it."
"How is that, Agent Mulder?"
He looked at the therapist for understanding. His shoulders felt heavy as did his heart. He placed his hand over his heart trying to still himself. "She already lost a sister because of me. She has lost a lot more than I can ever tell her at this point and now this."
"Okay, lets slow down now. Why do you think her sister was killed because of you?"
"Because Scully was digging for the truth while I was gone and they thought they had already killed me and so they tried to kill her but they shot her sister instead."
"And you have guilt because of it? Even though you weren't there? You weren't aware of what was happening?"
Mulder was crying and Karen handed him a box of tissues. "What else do you feel is your fault, Agent Mulder?"
"I can't tell her that she can't have children."
Karen's eyes grew wide. "She can't? Why?"
"They took her ova when they abducted her."
"You're speaking about the time she was missing? The situation with Duane Barry?"
"I guess everyone knows about her abduction around here, huh?", he said, looking about her office as if he expected someone else to be there.
"Its common knowledge, yes. But what makes you think her abduction was your fault?"
Mulder cried openly. "I didn't reach her in time to save her."
"You did your best, isn't that right, Agent Mulder?"
"It wasn't good enough! And now she has cancer."
"How can you have been involved in giving her cancer, Agent Mulder?"
"It was due to her abduction. If I had've been there to protect her or gotten to her sooner it wouldn't have happened.", he said, raising his voice.
"Do you think everything that happens to your partner is your fault, Agent Mulder?"
Mulder sat still a moment. He shook his head no. "She depends on me. I depend on her. I let her down."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Describe your relationship with Agent Scully?"
"Its hard to describe."
"Why?"
"She's very important to me. She's everything to me."
Karen stared into Mulder's eyes. "Does she know that?"
"I don't know," he whispered through tears.
"Have you thought about telling her that?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"She's going through a lot right now. She wouldn't understand. She needs to focus on herself. She doesn't need my bullshit right now!"
"Telling her she's important to you is bullshit?"
"Its more than that!", he said, raising his voice. "She's the only person I trust. She's the only person I have in my life."
"How do you feel she's handling her cancer?"
Mulder wiped his face with the tissue. "She's trying to act brave...that's what she does...She doesn't want to let her guard down. She tries to act tough but I know she's hurting inside. I want to comfort her but I don't think she'll let me."
"You think she'll push you away if you try to comfort her?"
"I know she will! She prides herself on being a strong woman. She never wants to show that she's vulnerable."
"So what do you do?"
"I try to pretend nothing is wrong. That's what she wants."
"Are you sleeping at night, Agent Mulder? Do you eat?"
Mulder could see his reflection in a framed piece of art on her wall. His eyes were baggy and his appearance was slightly disshoveled. He noted he was not as nicely styled as he usually was. He was just drifting at this point, his appearance meant little to him any more."I don't sleep anyway but its worst than before."
"Because you're afraid of losing her?"
Mulder broke down at that point and cried more into his tissues. "I lose everyone in my life but I can't lose Scully! I can't! there'd be no point!"
Karen waited patiently for him to recover. "In your work or in living?"
Mulder didn't answer, he instead wiped at his face, dabbing the tissues at the corners of his eyes. "Scully can't see me weak. Its important that I keep it together."
"You don't think she knows?"
"No."
"Why do you think she doesn't need to see you weak?"
Mulder rolled his eyes and shook his head. She could tell he was getting aggravated by her questions."Because of her cancer! She needs to draw from my strength. That's the way Scully is. If I fall apart, so will she and I can't have her do that right now."
"You said she's the most important person in your life right now. Do you have a good relationship with your mother?"
"No."
"You don't trust your mother?"
"I believe my mother is keeping things from me. I believe she betrayed my father. So no, I don't trust her and I'm sure you know the story about my sister."
"Yes," she said.
Mulder looked for a reaction from her but she had none. She continued with her line of questioning. "Was there a time in your life that your relationship with your mother was close?"
Mulder shook his head. "No, I don't think we ever were."
"What about romantic relationships?"
"Most of the women in my past were very manipulative. They had an agenda. All of them except Scully."
"She's the only person that doesn't have an agenda?"
"She was assigned to debunk my work, that's why I didn't trust Scully at first but..."
"But you've grown to trust her?"
"She's the only one I will ever trust. She proved to be the most valuable person in my life."
"So she's the only woman in your life that hasn't betrayed you?"
"Yes, the only one," he said, looking lost.
"Describe your partnership with her."
"Scully is...", he sighed. "She's an incredible person. Her work, her dedication. She's uncompromising in her opinions. She makes me work for everything. She challenges me. She's my best friend, my partner. I just need her."
"What are your feelings about her?"
"I care for her. Without her I won't have anyone. Without Scully...I can't even imagine it! I have to believe there's a cure for her cancer."
"And your scared that she's going to die and you'll be left alone?"
"Yes...", he sighed, wiping away his tears.
"So if she dies, you'll lose your best friend, your partner and the only woman you've ever truly been close too?"
Mulder dabbed at his eyes, his mouth parted in silent cries. Dr. Karen leaned into him,"Do you love her?"
Mulder cried more into his tissues. "Yes, I love her. Is that wrong?"
"No, its perfectly natural, Agent Mulder. I'm sure you've shared quite a lot together and anything you say in here is confidential, it's just between you and me."
"I know."
"That's right you are a psychologist, yourself."
"Yes!"
"Do you think she's knows you love her?"
"Why?", he asked cautiously.
"Agent Mulder, I'm just trying to get to the root of your feelings about your partner and her cancer."
Mulder eyed the therapist suspiciously. "I don't know."
"Why is that?"
"Whats important is that she doesn't give in to her cancer!", he said raising his voice.
"Do you feel that your work won't be able to continue without her? "
"I know it won't", he said, shaking his head.
"Why is that?"
"She's a big part of my work. I need her insight. I need her medical expertise. Without her I won't have anyone I could trust. No one could ever take her place!"
"You opened the X-Files for a few years before she was assigned to you, is that correct?"
"It doesn't matter! If Scully dies, it just won't matter to me any more."
"If she dies, Agent Mulder, you'll blame yourself?"
"I'm the reason..."
"That can't be true, Agent Mulder. It can't."
"It is," he said, looking her straight into the eyes.
"My concern, Agent Mulder, is that you've grown to dependent upon your partner. I'm concern that once she passes you won't be able to function at your job."
"This is a waste of time!", Mulder said, rising from his seat. "She's downstairs right now waiting on me. I need to get back to work."
"Agent Mulder...please...just bare with me, please."
Mulder walked past her to the door and slammed it behind him. Dr. Kossoff sat there a moment. The session had lasted only fifteen minutes.
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**Note: I took a little creative license here. There is never an indication that Mulder ever went to FBI therapist Dr. Karen Kossoff. From the show, she is Scully's therapist...but oh well...
