Legend:

Normal Text - Boz

Italics - Caller

Bold - Promo, Song, Segment

Transcript Excerpt One: On the Air

(Song: Turn up the Radio - Autograph)

I know how they feel people, I need the music too and we got plenty more to share. Welcome back dear listeners, you are tuned into the very first broadcast of BBR, Buzzard Buccaneer Radio. The Premiere Kig-yar Pirate Radio Station and when we say Pirate we do mean literally! This is Boz the Buzzard coming to you live from the Fallen Serpent, home of the best damn crew this side of the Milky Way Galaxy! We got tunes no one in Covenant Controlled space would dare be caught listening to because it comes straight from the human homeworld itself. They might be abominations, but they know good rock!

Now before we get back to the music, I'm aware of some new arrivals we picked up back on the Hollow. You know, before things got all crazy there? So anyway, I figured it's time to fill you newbies in on some things. One, yes we're working with humans. Be nice to them, you have them to thank for the music after all. I know they're a bit surly and pissed off all the time, but you'd probably feel the same in their position. It's been a rough time for all of us, trust us on that. I'm sure you've heard about how we barely survived escaping the Covenant and some nasty looking critters called the Flood. Trust me, count yourself lucky for not being with us back then. You just avoided all the real fucked up stuff.

Two, you've probably seen a few strange alien species walking around. Well they're friends too, more or less. The four-eyed crinkly fellas are called batarians. They're rough around the edges, but they're good people, honest. Share your Ichor with them, trust me, they need it. They're new at this Pirate gig after all, the only way they're going to loosen up is by chugging a few. There's an assortment of different looking aliens, they all hail from a ship called the Normandy which is, get this, Captained by a Human Shipmaster with a mixed crew of humans AND other alien species. Turns out that's normal where they come from. Same place as the batarians actually, a whole other dimension! Crazy, huh?

But really, they're totally cool, honest. Although, I've been told by First Mate Retz to make something clear. Um, here's the note. Ahem; "Stay away from the blue skinned tentacle haired one. She's wants to kill you, bad." Well, sound advice from the First Mate, give her a wide berth people. You know what they say about females with issues, not worth the mating dance.

Anyway, I wanna know more about your opinions of our new friends. Lets go to the comms and find out. We got a lit-up board for this so plenty of variety. Chat line one, you are squawking to the buzzard, what you got for me?

Yeah, I got no problem with humans really. I think they got a raw deal. I mean, the Covenant didn't even give them a chance to surrender or nothing. Now they're all worried about being wiped out, I get it. I don't get why they gotta hate on me though. Not like I wanted to be stuck shooting at them for several years. Very little profit in going to warzones and shit, ya know?

Well unless you're running guns of course. We were mostly running FROM guns though, distinct difference.

Point is, I'd appreciate it if they stopped looking at me like I'm diseased or something. I don't smell that bad. I take baths... occasionally. I mean, what do they want from us? If they could just explain that, we'd be able to come to an agreement of some kind. Most of them are horny males right? I got a ton of porn stashed away, you'd think they'd be interested in that?

I doubt it, I don't think they're into our women all that much. Or just quills and scales in general.

Well they just got weird tastes than.

Okay, next call-in. Line two, you're on the air with Boz. What do you got to say about the humans?

That maybe they should drop the tough guy act and stop being so damn ungrateful. I mean, we got them off that ringworld free of charge and bought them a shitload of guns on the Hollow. They're still mad! For the love of fuck, it's like they always got a complaint! I'm starting to think they'll never be satisfied.

Let's be fair here a bit, we did probably kill a few of their buddies before we teamed up.

So what? I had a ton of friends they shot the fuck up. Nature of the job, man. Now they keep bitching about whatever just happens to piss them the fuck off for whatever dumb reason! I always got the impression humans understood good business strategy. Instead they're just being dicks.

I'm sensing an abnormal amount of anger here at the moment. Any reason why?

I'm in engineering! They're sitting on a pile of Huragok! They won't give us one! You know how much fucking time I could save not having to clean out the fucking power coils regularly if I had just one of those squids? It's fucking infuriating!

I hear you on that at least, friend. I wouldn't mind a Huragok in here myself. A few extra tentacles would really make this job a hell of a lot easier. Specifically with skipping around audio files. Not to mention audio glitch checks. I know, it sounds like a little bit of a waste of their abilities, but give me a break here. We kinda set this thing up haphazard, I'm still tweaking it a little. Also, I'm a little lazy, I'm not too proud to admit that. Okay, next line, you are with Boz, what do you think of humans?

They're a blight and are probably getting what they deserve.

Huh, you don't sound very kig-yar, sir. If you don't mind me saying I hope.

I'm not kig-yar, I'm batarian. I'm a Private in what was formerly the Swords of Khar'Shan Black Ops Unit Expeditionary Force. Now I'm not sure what I am. I know I'm not a friend to these human bastards though. Don't care what anyone says.

Well, Private, that's a very interesting viewpoint you have there. Would you mind sharing more about why you feel the way you do?

Because they are thieves, plain and simple. They bulldozed through the galaxy like a plague, stealing planets that were rightfully ours. We were the only ones who dared stand up to their unjust expansion and when everyone else turned a blind eye, we struck. Our conviction was rewarded with more isolation and condemnation. Our homeworld has lost valuable resources, stolen from us by humanity. That is why they are a blight.

Well that may be true back home in your universe, Private, but these humans haven't done anything to you.

They are the same. They expanded unchecked through this galaxy, taking planet after planet in a mad dash to satisfy their hunger. Sprouting like weeds across this galaxy. With no one to check their growth they soon encountered a threat they were unable to match on the battlefield and have paid dearly for it. Their own greed is their downfall. They are no different than the humans back home.

I suppose I can understand your viewpoint, somewhat. Let's be fair though, Private, even if you're right, the Covenant aren't exactly any better. Hell, take it from a guy who was stuck working for them for years, they're way worse than anything the humans could be.

No man in this unit will deny that, I assure you. The Covenant are a corrupt, despicable society and they must be stopped. Our leader, Lieutenant Commander Varvok, knows this better than most. They are the true enemy, we will not dispute that. And we will serve alongside the humans to expedite their downfall. That does not change what they are though. In this universe or any other, humans are a blight.

Okay, well, heh, I appreciate your honesty, Private. Freedom of Speech is the right of all sapient species in my book and I won't fault you for expressing it. I will suggest you try and calm yourself a little though. The situation is what it is, no sense in bitching about it I think. We're stuck together, we might as well learn to live with one another. Anyway, we got one more incoming on the next line. Hey there, you're live with Boz. What's are your thoughts?

I say the humans are alright in my book. So long as they keep letting you play these sweet tunes of theirs, they can look at me funny all they want! They'll come around sooner or later, the sticks in their asses can't be that far up if they made this good shit!

Well at least that's something that unites us, good taste in music.

Play us something else, Boz! Rock this boat all day and all night!

How can I resist a request like that? Alright, let's take a break from ship politics and get back to what we're really here for! And in the spirit of unity, I think this next song speaks to all of us no matter the color of our blood. A lot of people have been after us lately, Covies, ugly parasitic monsters, other pirates, but none of them have managed to kill us yet! They can't take this fleet down, dear listeners, simple as that! We're like Rock n' Roll itself, unkillable! So I bring you another hit from the hard rocking band of "Twisted Sister" to celebrate that! This is, "You Can't Stop Rock n' Roll!"

[Song: You Can't Stop Rock n' Roll]

You are listening to Buzzard Buccaneer Radio, Space Pirate Rock for all your plundering needs. I'm Boz the Buzzard and if you're just tuning in, welcome back to our very first broadcast. We've been beaming out a steady stream of the greatest tunes in the galaxy, all thanks to a generous donation from our human friends. Well, I say donation, but reality is First Mate Retz kinda sorta stole it from their computers. But since we're technically playing it back to them across our shared comm-system, I prefer to think of it as sharing the wealth. That might sound a little socialist to some, but sometimes that philosophy has some merit. At least when everyone profits. Anyway, we got a few more calls in during our song break. So let's get to them shall we? Line one, you are on the air with Boz the Buzzard. You got a request?

Can you get your fucking bird asses as far away from us as fucking possible? That would be nice.

Well holy shit everyone, I do believe we have our very first human comm. call! Break out the ichor! This is history in the making! Sound Effect of a Triumphant Horn I gotta be honest, I was expecting way more anger when this happened. What's your name, friend?

Dickman, Corporal Dickman of the Orbital Drop Shock Troopers.

How unfortunate for you.

Fuck off, bird. Seriously, fuck off. No one wants you and your four-eyed friends around us. You're nothing but trouble.

I wouldn't say that, we got you a nice ship to cruise around in. Hell, we got you two. I think that at least affords us a little bit of a thumbs up now and then. It's not much to ask.

What about the fact one of your pirate friends tried to fucking grease us? This Snarlfreak guy.

Snarlbeak, and he's not really our friend. Friends don't usually try to collect on bounties of other friends. It's like a rule, one of the few we have.

Whatever, but now he's chasing after us because you brought us to that fucking moon. And why? So you could fix your shit up and grab a bunch more of your fellow turkeys to help you out? You're all fixing to stab us in the back, admit it.

I personally don't see any profit in that honestly. Stabbing you guys in the back? I mean, who would fly the Carrier? That and we know how you guys work. You've been killing kig-yar for how long? Plus you got the big armored guys. We'd be dead in minutes! No offense fellow crew of Serpent but I've heard stories of them Spartans. They are... well, specialized in kig-yar stomping. Or anything not human to be frank.

We wouldn't need them to kill every last one of you fuckers if you tried anything.

Well, see, there is my point. Turning on you would be suicide. I can swear to you right now, sir. If there is anyone who does not want a conflict with you humans, it's Zek. He loves the fact you're killing Covies, he's all for it. Hates their guts. We may not want to fight your war, but we're happy to give you a ride back to it.

We didn't need your fucking ride. Silva had a damn good plan already, Holland just got chicken and fucked it all up. We all would've been heroes and we wouldn't be stuck with you assholes.

Well that's one alternate history of a sort. Few problems though. One, from my understanding the ship your Silva friend wanted to jack was loaded to the gills with Flood. You know, parasitic little monsters, wanted to eat your soul and wear your body as a suit? Not sure it was such a good idea to try and nab a ship crawling with those things. Two, consider that the other alternative was staying on that ring until it fucking blew up, I think you were all rather fortunate that a bunch of no-good pirates were around to offer a third option. Pirates, mind you, that aren't fans of the Covenant either. And three, and this is unrelated somewhat, you do realize this broadcast is going out live to the whole fleet right? Is it really a good idea to bad mouth your Superior Officer over the line?

I don't give a fuck if that Army piece of shit hears! He's the reason Silva is dead and that bitch traitor McKay is in charge! The fuck is he going to do worse than he's done already? Silva was a real soldier, he knew how to get shit done! If everyone had trusted him more we'd all have been heroes! Instead we're stuck with your fucking pirates in the ass-end of nowhere! So I... hey, what's going on? Hey! Get off! Quit-

Corporal Dickman? Hello? Come on, tell us how you REALLY feel? Inquiring minds want to know.

Apologies, Private Dickman cannot come to the line right now. He's going to be busy cleaning rifles, laundry, toilets and basically playing house maid to the Army Barracks section of the ship for however long Colonel Holland decides. Speaking of, the Colonel firmly suggests that if anyone else wants to call up this station to give Boz shit, that they do their best to keep any insubordinate thoughts to themselves. Army Sergeant Barnet, out.

Well what do you know, folks? The system works. Ah well, I'm going to miss him, he was fun. Few diatribes can reach those kinds of rage levels. It's like an art form. Alright, next call. You are on the air with us, friend. Share your thoughts if you must. With any luck you could be even more entertaining than our last guy.

Uh, yeah, I'm not really interested in doing that. My name is Corporal Locklear and I don't actually want to fight or anything. I was kinda hoping I'd be first, you know?

Well, life is full of disappointments, Mr. Locklear. Ask my parents, they'll say I'm one of them. HA! Anyway, what's your reason for calling in today?

Just curious, I guess. I mean, most of the time Covies are trying to kill me or my buddies. I've never actually shared a fleet with a bunch of them before.

New experience for everyone involved I'm sure. But we're not Covenant, Corporal. We're space pirates. We're far less pretentious and condescending.

Alright, fair enough. I guess I'm just trying to process all this like everyone else is doing right now. I mean, I've had to kill Jackals plenty of times. The fact I'm talking to one, even now, is a bit strange. I just want to know more is all. What's your deal? Who are you guys? I think that's really what everyone is really asking themselves to be honest.

So you wanna hear our story then? Alright, Locklear, that seems reasonable. Gather round the radio friends, we got ourselves a tale. Here's how it goes. A long time ago, before any of us were even so much as an egg, the kig-yar people were an adventurous, thrill-seeking species. We went out in search of fortune and glory, so naturally we all gravitated to the pirate life a little. That vocation is all about those two things. Things were pretty good for a while. Then the Covenant showed up. We fought them for a bit of course, but, well, war ain't exactly fun. Even less so when it's taking a strain on your profits. So we struck a deal. The Covenant could hire us out as mercs, assassins, saboteurs, you name it. In return they don't kill us and we join their little empire. Pretty much the only way we could prevent ourselves from getting wiped out really.

They never gave us that option.

It's a mystery to everyone why they didn't. Personally, I always thought it was a waste. Why kill potential customers? At least find out if they have anything worth trading. Now I know you do, entertainment.

Yeah about that, why do you like this rock music so much? I mean, don't you have any of your own songs to play?

Oh we do, Corporal, but not a lot of them are recorded. When the Covenant swooped in a lot of our culture got up-ended by their desire for law and order. Things that used to be a lot easier to do in the Golden Age became a hell of a lot harder to come by. We had to do a lot of our usual money making activities in secret. Which is sorta fun since it's a little more dangerous, but it's a pain in the ass to get simple commodities regardless. Alcohol, drugs, porn, unauthorized works of literature, blasphemous forms of entertainment, seditious songs, all banned. Unless a vid, book or piece of music was approved by the Covenant Leading Council it was illegal.

What gets this stuff on the banned list?

Anything that doesn't hold up the glories of the Forerunners and the righteousness of the Covenant cause. Every piece of entertainment must speak to that, making everything on the holoscreen a sanitized piece of regurgitated propaganda. Any music that glorifies the pirate life is banned. We still have songs, but they're mostly orally transmitted now. Your music though, at least this particular genre, is all about the way kig-yar should live. Loud, uncompromising and free. Most importantly free.

So it's about rebellion to you? Just without the whole fighting to take down the Covenant thing as I understand.

We'll still help you stick it to them, Locklear. We just have to come to a reasonable price.

Well I'm at least sorry that your way of life got steam rolled. Must have been suffocating working for the Covies for so long. To be honest though, you kinda got off easy. They're not glassing your entire species after all.

It's all about perspective, Corporal. What way would you prefer to die? Slow, bleeding out and shackled? Or fighting to the last as a plasma beam scorches the Earth around you in an instant? Ask any pirate and they'd prefer the quicker way, especially those aboard the Fallen Serpent, we know the outcome of making bad deals better than anyone. The Covenant's promises aren't worth the shit they write them with. Trust me, Locklear, you're better off spitting in their eyes as you die, at least that way you take all the fuckers with you that you can manage.

Jesus. That's... well, intense. You guys all really believe that? Better to go down in a blaze of glory and all that?

I know Zek now does at the very least. When a deal ain't worth taking, you make your own. Every kig-yar has to decide for themselves how they want to die though. So I admit I can't speak for everyone, but I know I ain't going back to serving a bunch of asshole longnecked dipsticks. But you didn't answer my question, which way would you prefer to go?

I haven't really thought of it, honestly. I most just keep hoping I make it out of this, that we all do. That we get back to Earth, we win this war and I retire my commission. Maybe find a nice girl, settle down some place warm and tropical.

A good plan, I like it, but you always need to plan for the worst too.

Well, I guess I'd at least want to go out on my own terms then. Not someone else's. At the very least, I'd want to make sure those Covies didn't get to have fun taking me down. I'd make'em pay as long as possible, for every planet they've glassed.

That's the spirit, Corporal. There's probably more pirate in you than you give yourself credit for.

I'm not entirely sure how to take that, but, thanks. I guess.

For what it's worth though, I do hope you make it, Locklear. You and your friends. Would be pretty crappy to have your saved your asses from an exploding ring world only for you to die on the trip back to the dirtball you call home. Not a very good story to be honest. So, while you're still on the line, you got a request? You can be the first human to make a song suggestion on BBR at least.

Huh, I'm not exactly very knowledgeable about old bands from the twentieth. I guess, maybe something pirate related if you got it? I mean, seems only right given what you guys are.

Oh I got just the thing, Corporal. I just discovered these guys in the files and have been waiting for an excuse to break them out. There are many human rock bands who capture the spirit of the kig-yar, but so far this is the only one that dares embrace our profession themselves. This is "Alestorm" with "Black Sails at Midnight" only on BBR! Buzzard Buccaneer Radio!

[Song: Black Sails at Midnight]

That was "Alestorm", a pirate rock band through and through. Expect to hear more from them in due time. Now let's switch gears a little here and talk about more personal matters. We were at the Hollow recently and after what happened back there we probably won't be headed back anytime soon. But it was nice shore leave while it lasted. So how was everyone's experience there, despite the whole shooting thing that happened later. I'm sure you all had your own little adventures while we were docked. Ah, we got a call on the line already. You are buzzing the buzzard, what happened to you on the Hollow?

I got a brand new customized casing for my Needler. Looks like one of our skulls now, it's badass. You have no idea how long I've been waiting to make this baby look cool for once.

I do admit that is an awesome idea for a custom job. I know the sangheili would've given you shit for it though.

Fuck those warrior cult bitches. They don't know jackshit about nothing, especially guns. Just cause they're eight-foot tall they think that makes them intimidating? Fuck that. I've seen them without their armor, bud. They look like skinny bald bitches. All those fancy helmets and crap, it's all a damn act. Compensating to make themselves look tougher when they're not.

I see. Well far be it for me to defend those pricks, but in regards to "compensation," how exactly is the skull needler different from sangheili armor?

Because it looks fucking rad, that's why! It's way cooler than anything those dipshits wear on their heads! I don't need all those fucking horns and crowns and crap! I got a skull gun! That makes me way more badass than any of them!

Well I hope it makes you happy at least, that has to count for something right? I'm thinking someone might be looking long and hard into a mirror tonight folks. Oh well, next line, you're on the air with Boz.

Custom skins for guns are cool, but they're just for show. You wanna personalize something of yours? Make it practical I say. No one gives a fuck what color your plasma pistol is, especially if you're melting their eyeballs off. I spent my money on something that's actually useful, a Needler Rifle barrel grip.

Ah, you're a marksman I take it.

Yeah, was down in the docks when that shit with Zhoc started. That fight proved how badly we need good snipers. Took out two at long range easy thanks to the increased stability. Didn't even have to wait for detonation, they went down with a clean shot. Beat my personal distance record on that shit.

I thought half the fun of using a Needler Rifle was watching your target explode into a pink mist through the scope.

Oh it is, trust me. When we were taking the Carrier, I landed three clean shots on this sangheili officer's arm. Blew the limb clean off and scorched his pretty blue armor. Dumb motherfucker went down screaming. It's always a gas to watch them turn into a cloud, but there's just something special about watching a single shard hit them between the eyes and then watch them go limp. That's when you know you're on another level.

You really do love your job don't you?

Damn straight I do. I'm a professional. I've heard those humans talk shit about us as snipers, but I'm gonna show them we're the opposite. We're their equals on this field.

It's good to have goals. Please tell me you at least haven't named your gun.

Oh please, that's stupid and childish. I just sleep with it, keeps me warm.

Hope it gives you sweet dreams then, bud. Okay, let's see if our next caller can change things up a bit. Third line, talk to me, and please tell me you did more than buy some guns on the Hollow.

I had way more important things to do. I hadn't had a decent meal since we joined the Covenant and who knew how long it would be till we got back to the Hollow. Soon as we landed I headed for the nearest diner on the docks and ordered me up a big old sandwich. Just loaded with the best meat. I mean, real fresh, smoked and seared to perfection. I tell ya, Boz, it was like paradise. Fuck the Great Journey, that sandwich was salvation on this plane of existence!

Well praise be to the sandwich lords! The only Gods that matter a damn! Anything to wash it down with?

Only the best Southern Continent Spiced Ichor Rum around! Seriously, I am going to miss that diner. It had everything.

Hey, who knows, maybe when this whole mess is cleaned up we can go back there one day and check it out. Maybe you can even order me one of these sandwiches.

Yeah, that's not happening. I kinda saw it get blown up during the fighting with Snarlbeak's boys. I think I was literally their last customer. I left them a real big tip though, and I never do that so maybe that will comfort them at least.

Well, that's a shame. A true horrible casualty of a Pirate Gang War indeed. Alright, let's hope the next call isn't so depressing. Line four, regale us with your Hollow story.

I don't have one, I'm basically just calling to let you know you stole my damn music.

Uh, who is this?

Jeff Moreau, also known as Joker, pilot of the freakin' Normandy! The best damn ship in the galaxy! Your boss, Retz, stole your current playlist from my ship's computers along with a ton of old vids! Now you're blasting them all around the ship non-stop!

To be fair, sir, it's not really stealing if you still have the original copies. Also, I'm confused as to why you're upset about this. For one, it's thanks to you this crew has been provided with countless hours of entertainment. I'd think you'd be overjoyed to hear we love your taste in music so much.

It's the fact you guys took it without permission that pisses me off. Hell, I technically should be the badass Pirate DJ here. It's my music after all!

I don't have an entire ship to fly, friend. I think your hands are a little bit full for the moment.

I should at least get residuals. Some kind of compensation. You wouldn't have this job if it weren't for me storing all that stuff on the main computer. When am I going to get my cheque for your broadcast's mere existence?

That is severely above my paygrade, sir. Currently, the Fallen Serpent itself is somewhat low on funds. We spent most of it just upgrading and fixing our ship as well as getting you guys some extra supplies. Also, I'm not entirely sure credit chips will do you much good. You're probably going to have to ask for some other form of barter. You could always work for extra food like the unggoy do.

Do I look like I'm in need of handouts here? Look, point is, you owe me for this, alright? Shepard might be cool with this whole Pirate Radio thing, but I swear, you better be ready to write a big IOU for me. You hear that, Buzzard? You can squawk my sweet music to everyone in this fleet, but I'm getting something out of it in return for all those "hours of entertainment" I provided you. Just you wa-

It seems we just lost Mr. Moreau, how sad. Mellow out, buddy. All that stress cannot be good for your health. Which as I understand is not exactly great, brittle body and all that. I kid though, I truly do thank him for all this great music he has unwittingly provided us. It's almost as if we were destined to cross paths in fact. Do me a favor dear listeners, thank Mr. Moreau in some small fashion. Perhaps he would appreciate some Ichor. It would probably help him relax a little with any luck. Now then, let's get back to the music we "borrowed" from the Normandy's pilot. Some of our angrier calls have inspired me, so let's play to that. This is "Megadeth" with "Angry Again", only on BBR.

[Song: Angry Again]

Okay music fans, time to take a short break. We got a special request from Shipmaster Zek himself. As a number of you are aware, our Captain has taken a shine to a lot of the vids humanity has to offer. When he's not on the bridge doing his job, he's watching something that was filmed by human hands. He wants to share some of his thoughts on these movies and since he signs my paychecks I can't exactly tell him no. Not that I really want to, these vids are awesome in all honesty. So, Buzzard Buccaneer Radio is proud to present "Zek's Reviews" for your listening pleasure. He's pre-recorded these for me to play, so let's get to it. Today, the Shipmaster would like to share with you a tale about an oceanside town, a trio of sea faring heroes and one very nasty fish.

Okay, is this thing on? Good, okay, you all know we got a ton of cool vids from the Normandy, I'm basically here to tell you which ones are worth your time cause there are a lot of them. But mostly I just want to share my thoughts because I can, because I'm the captain of this tub and everyone has to listen to me anyway. Ha, ha! Anyway, this first installment is actually a story you should find very familiar. Your parents probably told you one like it when you were still a fledgling. It's got high seas drama, pulse-pounding action and a insidious sea-monster of the worst kind. This is "Jaws."

Here's the set-up, there's this beach town called Amity Island, okay? Basically a tourist trap, thrives during a hot season called summer, specifically around this date of the year. Fourth of July it's called. I looked it up, apparently red, white and blue play a big role in it for some reason. Anyway, the town has this new sheriff and when the vid opens he discovers that there's been an attack by this freaky fish monster known as a shark. They're like Razorfins, but smaller and only one mouth. Trust me, they're still scary, the first scene in the show where you watch this poor woman screaming as it drags her under was horrifying.

Anyway, this Sheriff Brody guy finds said woman's body on the beach and decides he's gotta close the beach off to prevent other people from getting turning into fish food. Problem is the mayor of the island won't let him because he doesn't want to damage the tourist trade and lose money. All well and good, I can totally sympathize, but uh, you know what would make you lose a lot of money? People getting eaten alive on your damn beach! I mean, I get you don't wanna lose money on your big day of the year and all, but shit man. Consider long term! You think anyone is gonna come back next year if they watch their kiddies getting gulped down by a friggin monster? I don't think so. Bad business sense there.

See, this is why we don't have any official organized government people. Brody wouldn't have been cockblocked by the mayor and been able to put up all the signs he wanted. But because he gets blocked by bureaucracy everyone goes in the water and a kid gets chomped. Like, literally ripped apart, blood in the water and everything. It's kinda fucked up. I mean, if he had at least known the fucking shark was there he would've at least been able to make an informed decision about whether or not he should swim. But nope, eaten alive cause one dipshit can't take a fucking minor hit in revenue to save more cash down the line.

Well that shit won't stand of course and a reward is put out to kill this fish in hopes of saving the summer. It whips every monster hunter on the island into a frenzy. There's even a pair of total amateurs who try fishing with a hunk of meat tied to a chain attached to a dock. Almost gets them killed, woulda served them right. But there's at least one decent fisherman on the island, a real hardass to be sure. His name is Captain Quint and he's pretty much the real hero of this story. How he shows up is real sweet. He scratches on this here board, shuts everyone up and basically lays it out on the line. He's the best fucking fisherman on this island and he's gonna catch this fish, but he wants a hell of a lot of money for it and rightfully so. You want to solve a problem right, you pay for the fucking best I say.

Course, Brody ain't sitting on the sidelines either. He calls in another guy, Hooper, who's basically a shark expert and knows everything about this animal. He's a little bit of a smug asshole, but he knows his shit. He's smarter than the mayor at least, knowing better than to assume that the pack of amateurs somehow managed to kill the exact shark they're after. And he's right, their real prey is out there and still prowling for swimmers.

Finally, the mayor cracks and Brody basically forces him to pay Quint to kill the shark. Brody might be a lawman, but he at least knows not to fuck around when shit needs doing. Course, he's got a flaw like any good hero, yeah he's afraid of the water. I can't really blame him, I mean, considering what's in it in this vid. But he needs to face that fear if he's gonna protect his town, so he heads out to sea with Quint and Hooper to kill this whopper.

At this point the vid kicks into high gear with the most epic and deadliest fishing trip you've ever seen. All the clashing of egos and personalities you run into on these types of voyages, but just played so well and so perfectly captured. They're all real people, trapped on this cruddy boat, hunting a flesh hungry monster from the deep.

More importantly, you totally get where they're all coming from and their interactions and clashes feel real. Brody just wants this to be over with so he can go back to land knowing the beach is safe. Hooper clearly is in awe of their quarry, as he's studied these animals and respects their power. Quint though, he's got two things on his mind, money and payback. He doesn't just want to earn a living on this, he's got some personal stakes involved, rivaled only really by Brody to be honest. It drives him to some pretty crazy extremes, but as a fellow sailor myself I totally understand them all. You can't play soft with these types of sea critters and Quint knows it.

But why? What's Quint's deal with these sharks? With this shark? Well, later in the vid he finally lays it on the line. He was on this ship in the military way back, called the Indianapolis or something. They were on some secret mission and because of that when they got torpedoed by the enemy and sank, no distress signal had been sent. So they sat in the water for days, being picked off one by one by sharks of all sizes. Quint basically watched a bunch of his friends die right in front him and they way they tell the story in the film, holy crap. It's like something out of an old horror story you heard about in whispers. I checked this with Commander Shepard by the way, and this story of this ship is actually true! It really happened! No joke, the Indianapolis was a real ship! That just makes the backstory even better. Hell, can you imagine being alone in the water with Razorfins all around ya? Just wondering when they're going to decide to eat you for lunch? Seriously, you need to see this vid for this scene alone. It's that good.

But I haven't even gotten to the shark yet. It might be smaller than a razorfin, but it's just as dangerous and cunning. This thing is an absolute beast. It stalks our heroes, forces them to keep thinking on their toes. Bit by bit it breaks their ship down, making things even more desperate. They don't really show the shark much, but that just makes it even more horrific, like some hungry unseen spectre of the deep. Hell, it's even got it's own theme music! Anything with it's own damn theme music has to be badass! Wish I had my own theme music actually. Then no one would want to mess with me.

It all eventually comes to a head in a final showdown, which I won't spoil for those who have not seen this film. Suffice it to say, Quint succeeds in one area at least, forcing Hooper and Brody to face terror in the eye and conquer it. It's hard to believe any pirate could root for a lawman, but you will be rooting for Brody by the end of this. Trust me on that. All in all, I give "Jaws" a highly recommended seal of approval. See this vid! It will remind you of every classic sea legend you heard as a kid. It's almost like the guys who made it were spying on us or something. That's it for this first installment, but trust me, I got way more thoughts to share on the vids I've seen. And you can only hear them here, on BBR.

Thanks for the plug boss. Hopefully everyone does indeed check out "Jaws" next chance they get. Anyway, we got another call on the line, let's see who it is this time. Hey there, you're on the air with Boz the Buzzard. Who is this?

My name is Sergeant Avery Johnson and I got a bone to pick with you bird.

Um, okay. What's your problem, Sergeant?

This is a rock station, right? When you gonna get to the real hard stuff already?

Hey wait a second there, sir. For one, this is a pretty big playlist Mr. Moreau compiled here. I'm working through it best I can. I'm barely even a quarter way through. Besides, I think I've been playing some good tunes.

Good maybe, but not great. You're seriously letting me down here, Buzzard. Big time.

Now hold on-

No, you hold on. I've been keeping the spirit of classic rock alive despite these chuckleheads in this here brigade's severe lack of respect for it. I've been fighting this war for a hell lot longer than most and killed me plenty of Covie bastards. Quite a few of them looked like you guys. But I'm willing to put that behind me somewhat because you seem to respect the classics. For that I applaud you. But dammit, do not make me regret that praise, boy! You need to start bringing out the heavy guns on these airwaves and fast! Don't give me none of that softcore regular radio play junk on this line. I wanna rock, and I'm gonna get it. Do not make me come over there personally to set you straight. You do not want that. Now if you got Black Sabbath on there, I suggest you key up "Symptom of the Universe" soon. Johnson, over and out.

Shit. Well, sir, yes sir, Sergeant Johnson. It's a little more violent than I wanted, but as a direct request from a human who clearly loves his rock, I can't exactly say no. Especially when I'm afraid he's gonna show up late at night at the foot of my bed with a crazed look in his eye. Okay, Black Sabbath, this one's for you Sergeant Johnson, as well as all our new strange friends. This is going to be an interesting voyage, I think we can all agree on that at least. Hopefully I can make it a little more bearable. This is "Symptom of the Universe," only on BBR.

[Song: Symptom of the Universe]

-End of Transcript Excerpt-

Analysis: Boz the Buzzard is amiable, charismatic and exceedingly friendly regardless of, at times, hostile responses. It is possible he believes this alliance can work in the long term, to what extent I am unsure. He does not hold animosity for humans, however, at least not overtly. His only motive thus far is to "spread the rock", as it were.

Considering the insight into kig-yar (ie. Jackal) culture, behavior and lifestyle, as well as the state/frame of mind of the crew of the Fallen Serpent, I have decided to monitor the station more carefully. I have requested the aid of Professor Mordin Solus to provide further insight when avaliable in these reports. His background in alien cultural studies would be invaluable in better understanding the kig-yar as a species. This better understanding as a result of this unique situation could further help our forces in the field to combat the members of the species who are still hostile to us. I will keep detailed records on all subsequent broadcasts of BBR for this reason and report my findings on a regular basis.

-Signed

Lieutenant Elias Haverson,

Office of Naval Intelligence.


AN: This is a little bit of extra story added onto the main plot. If you want to know what's going on behind the scenes of the various chapters to come, this is your place to go. Check back for regular updates, usually after the next chapter in Remnants is posted to avoid too many spoilers. I hope you all enjoy the bit of extra story that comes with these short narratives. And if it gives you a little bit of a chuckle, then I've done my job.