Four Humiliating Things Rukia Never Did…
The Second
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Bleach nor the characters within.
WARNING: This chapter is very dark, bloody, and angsty. Character deaths. Also, slight hints at KaienRukia (if perhaps a little one-sided).
---
Because she was selflessly loyal to a fault to her sadistic master, Guilt…
---
She ended up unable to follow orders. He was too worthy to die right here in such a gruesome and horrid way. Honorable, generous, powerful people like him deserved life ten times more than cockroaches like her. If by sacrificing her life she could save his, then there could be no other choice.
Many people still needed him. The squad would be devastated if he were to die here. Harsh reality needed more people like Kaien-dono. Between him and Taicho, they could build a splendid and proud 13th Division filled with many honorable, strong shinigami.
SHE needed him. He was too precious to her. She needed him to live, to protect, to fight just one more day. A battle to maintain honor and pride wasn't worth his life in her eyes.
Her pride was on the line as well, because she couldn't just stand on the sidelines and not do anything to help him… it would damage all she had strived to become. She wouldn't be worthy to be in the same squad as him if she just observed from the sidelines.
She kept telling herself all of these things as she quickly shoved him out of the way of the tentacles aimed for his body. Two shouts filled the air, though she barely heard them, as the warped monstrosities missed their target and struck another. She felt… defiled… and disgusting as they writhed beneath her skin, crawling in and out of her body, raping her through and through. She was being overcome, subdued, wasting away under the new inhabitant. She was not herself anymore.
Through the fuzzy haze, she barely saw the horrified look on Kaien-dono's face.
She would not have it any other way.
Because, most importantly, she didn't want to feel Guilty. Guilt plagued her being, shaped her into who she now once was. And she was disgusted with herself, moreso than this thing ever disgusted her. She was selfish… she didn't want to add on to that Guilt. The Guilt of running away, the Guilt of hiding, the Guilt of accepting without a fight…
…the Guilt of living.
They would hate her for being so selfish, but maybe one day they would understand. Someday way in the future, long past the time she was skewered by their zanpakutous. It was for the best.
Or so she had thought.
She'd thought they would fight back with a renewed anger. Seek vengeance on her disobedient, befouled form. She'd thought they would hate her, that they wouldn't hesitate.
But they did. And the last image she saw before becoming completely detached was two sets of pain-filled eyes uncertain of what action to take.
They haunted her vision as she fell into darkness.
She desperately tried to fight against the mind-numbing nothingness… to find something of solid composition to grip, claw, bleed. She needed to get back! Plead with them for her death! She needed to find control, to give them time to counterattack, to do… anything!
And so she twisted and thrashed against nothing and everything, slowly deteriorating with time.
And suddenly, it all came back with a brilliant clarity. She could feel the freezing rain striking her skin like needles, her clothing soaked and weighed down, a warm stickiness rushing down her arms, and a body leaned up against her front with a head on her shoulder.
"Ru…ki…a…"
Oh God, no, no, NO!
Kaien-dono, her Kaien-dono, lifted his head from her shoulder and looked at her straight in the eye. "You're… back. Yokatta." And he let off a heavy sigh and fell to the ground.
She stared horrified at the form before her, his body distorting as the hollow started to take over him now. He was a pitiful mess… a gaping hole in his side, gashes along his face that completely mutilated one eye, and a limb partially torn from his body hanging by some loose tissue. It made her want to throw up.
He chuckled in a voice that wasn't completely his own. "I was finally able to turn the tables on it. Force it into a corner and make it take over me instead." He was already beginning to sound stronger. He pointedly looked at her neck and then her zanpakutou lying in his hand. She could feel blood rushing out of the puncture and soaking the clothing on her shoulders and chest, but could make no move to do anything.
This was not happening, this was not happening, thiswasnothappeningthiswanothappeningthiswasno—
Suddenly, she felt something sharp shoved into her hands. It took a moment to realize it was her zanpakutou.
"Kill me."
What? "Ka-ka-kaien…-do—"
"Do it now! That's an order!"
She trembled at the words. An order. Where was…?
And then she noticed another body lying prostate about twenty meters away. Its head was completely lobbed off.
She shook even harder. It wasn't supposed to be like this, it wasn't supposed to be like this…
"Damnit, Kuchiki, don't hesitate! Kill me now!"
IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!
"RUKIA!"
And without warning, he desperately threw himself at her, impaling himself upon her zanpakutou. The sudden force overbalanced her, and they fell to the ground with him on top, his prone form still skewered.
They lied there for a few seconds, him coughing up blood on her and too weak to move and her too shocked to react.
It wasn't supposed to be like this. She was supposed to have died, alone, without the guilt of his death on her shoulders. She was supposed to have made the best choice… the path without any pain, shame, contrition, regret, or transgressions.
But in the end she only made things worse. And she still wasn't able to escape.
She guessed that this just went to show her that she could never escape her own Guilt. It was her burden to carry for the rest of her pathetic life.
"Go… men… Ru… kia," came the final words before he slumped against her body.
No, I'm the one who should be sorry. I should have never been so selfish. I should have accepted wallowing in my own pain without a fight. I should have never run. But I did, and now you and Taicho have to suffer for my mistakes.
Tears finally started to rush down her face as she let go.
I deserve this misery. Because I'm Guilty.
---
A/N: Er… yes. That was very gruesome. Probably doesn't help that I'm listening to slightly depressing songs. "Another Day in Paradise" by Phil Collins is enough to subdue anyone's mood.
Besides, this is what I was going for. I wrote it to be highly morose and depressing. Because the situation lent itself to be like that.
I was trying to create a dynamic of Pride and Guilt with these two chapters, since I feel they highly contribute to Rukia's personality.
The next two chapters will tie into each other as well. And, I'm sorry to say, they will be depressing as well. Aren't you glad there were many negative humiliating things that Rukia avoided?
But don't worry! I'll be adding a bonus chapter (or two) that will be much more upbeat. With some romance! RenRuki romance! YAY!
Okay, please R&R! Thank you!
