A/N Please do not be offended, and apologies for slow updates. This is what I work on when I am bored and have had sugar, so updates may well take a while, but I do have a vague plan/plot for this. It will take place in two chapters' time, when he reaches puberty.

By the way, how do I edit a chapter once it's already up? I want to put the warning from last chapter at the top like people suggested.

Disclaimer: Should I do one? Come on, it's kinda obvious I don't own the the Bible in that way...

Chapter One: Jesus is a troublemaker

First mistake was Jesus' parents. A woman called Mary who had recently had an affair with her boss, and her rather slow witted husband, Joseph. Because really, you'd have to be an idiot in this day and age to believe that your son was the son of God, and not the product of an affair if you had a virgin wife. (Though in this case, he actually was the son of God, but nevermind that!)

At any rate, there we go. Son of God, and here he was in a hospital, which was much better than some stable. Anyone could see that, even a small baby who was only half aware of who he was and where he was.

"Dear, isn't he cute?" coos Mary, looking at her son. "Are you sure he's the son of God?" asks Joseph, a little sceptical still. "Of course I'm sure!" snaps Mary, "an angel told me so!" Her husband nods, and the doctors exchange glances - yup, another insane person on the ward.

Still, it was a sort of humble beginning. An average beginning. It didn't take long for Jesus to start growing up.

They don't call it the "terrible twos" for nothing - there was Jesus, standing at the top of the stairs with a pillow case, the cookie jar in hand (two year olds can achieve anything) and a massive grin on his face.

He gets into the pillow case and slides down the stairs, shrieking as he drops the cookie jar, watching it as it smashes across the floor, along with all the cookies.

"Jesus!" He jumps, looking up at his mother. "…Mummy…" he says softly, putting on the cutest face he could manage. "…How did you get the cookies?" Jesus just grins, trying to climb out of the pillow case.

"You, young man, are in big trouble. What did I tell you about eating cookies before dinner?" asks Mary, picking him up.

Dad, I hate you. Why couldn't I get a family that allows cookies before dinner?

What? He may be in the body of a two year old, but he was still a several hundred year old teenager at heart.

"Are you going to eat all your vegetables?" Jesus pulls a face. He did not want to be made to eat carrots. Bleugh! He hated carrots! With a passion! They were…orange.

Yes, he hated the colour orange. Was that a problem? Mary sighs, putting the fork down and looking at Joseph. "You feed him. He won't eat the carrots," she mutters, and Joseph takes the fork, holding it awkwardly in his hand.

"…HERE COMES THE CHOO CHOO TRAIN!" Joseph half shouts, shocking Jesus into opening his mouth, getting the evil orange carrot into his mouth. "Aha!" Jesus felt sorry for his "father" - he looked so pleased with himself.

Sadly, after that, they assumed he actually liked those dreaded vegetables, hence his childhood years before he could say "I hate carrots" were terrible indeed,