Determined

The target moved quickly, darting from one corner of the room to the other, and James followed it with precision, determined to take it down once and for all. It could be a Death Eater someday, threatening his friends and family, and he knew that one wrong move, one second of hesitation, and all could be lost. While a part of him hated what he was becoming—a meticulous fighting machine—another part knew it was necessary, for the war was going badly. More and more pure-bloods were coming out in support of Voldemort, while the world grew darker for Muggles, Muggle-borns, and anyone who fought for them. The Order of the Phoenix was barely hanging on.

He channeled his frustration, his worry, and even his anger toward the small drone in front of him, charmed to duel at the highest level possible. While it could not replicate exactly the unpredictable thoughts and actions of a true witch or wizard, it could still help hone his own reflexes and responses. It took him only a few quick spells to stop the target, and James let his guard down, the adrenaline rush flowing from his body as quickly as it had come.

"Not bad," murmured a voice behind him. Remus appeared in the doorway, removing his cloak with a weary look on his face. "I'd hate to run into you in a dark alley."

James grinned, but it was tinged with bitterness. How many dark alleys had he already fought in? How long would he have to rely on his dueling skills to protect both himself and his friends before he ended up dead in that alley? It had been over a year since he had joined the Order, and he was beginning to grow weary of the constant call to battle. They seemed to lose ground more and more, or at least end at a draw, with both sides retreating until the next skirmish. It had been exciting at first, but constant defeat wore him down, and marriage was slowly changing him, young as he was: he wanted the war to be over, so he could just be with his wife and start a family sooner rather than later, in a world where it would be safe for his children.

"Care to have a go then?" he asked his friend, craving human interaction. He'd been stuck at headquarters all day, standing guard and ready to relay messages. It had become habit to practice on duty, to keep himself both in shape and from falling into boredom and despair. He didn't really want to fight Remus, but sometimes he didn't want to talk, he just wanted to act, and this was one of those times.

Only Remus shook his head, and James noticed the worried pinch to his friend's eyes. The full moon was that night and Remus always grew tired and peaky, but this was something more. James waved his wand at the target and pocketed it, giving Remus his full attention.

"What's wrong?" he said, coming straight to the point. They were well past wasting time with vague pleasantries, and James knew Remus had been on assignment in Hogsmeade. He would only return to headquarters with an urgent message, which usually meant trouble.

"It's Sirius," Remus said running his hands through his hair and leaving it uncharacteristically rumpled.

James felt his chest constrict. "Not—" He couldn't say it: it was what they all worried about every time one of them went out.

Remus blew out a breath. "No, not dead. Bloody hell, I need something to eat, I haven't had anything since yesterday."

Although he was impatient to hear his friend's news, they left the back room and went out to the kitchen, which to James's surprise, was not empty: Aberforth Dumbledore was sitting at the table with Jack McKinnon, a small package on the bench beside him. James nodded at Aberforth, still slightly uncomfortable in the odd man's presence given how infrequently he left the Hog's Head for Order business, and shook hands with Jack.

"I didn't hear you come in," he offered in greeting as he moved toward the cupboard and pulled out two bottles of Steaming Stout. It was the strongest drink Dumbledore allowed them at headquarters. Remus helped himself to whatever he could find to eat and sat down next to Aberforth.

"You were busy, we didn't want to disturb you," Jack replied. "But you're relieved. It's my turn to tend the fire."

James opened the bottles of stout and joined him. "Good, I need to get out of here."

Aberforth Dumbledore raised an eyebrow "You've had word about something, haven't you?" he asked. James flashed Remus a look; Aberforth crossed his arms over his chest and glared at them. "What is it, then?" he demanded before James could do the same. "We've no secrets here, and I don't like this place much to wait on you. I've got what I came for and need to be getting on, so out with it."

"No one has heard from Sirius since last night," said Remus. "He was with Gideon in Haverleigh. They'd had word that Benjy's family was being targeted."

Aberforth nodded impatiently. "Pettigrew picked that bit up, if I recall correctly."

"He did, last time he sat the Hag's Rest," said Remus. "Guess who they saw skulking around the village where the Fenwicks live?"

James could think of any number of Death Eaters or suspected sympathizers and shook his head, too edgy to play guessing games.

"The Averys." Remus paused to let it sink in, no doubt knowing that James would need a moment to curse. And he did—he swore vehemently under his breath. Pietro Avery had attacked James twice before he had even left Hogwarts. Avery had gone to Azkaban the second time, but his family name and connections had got him out. He had been more careful since, but remained a thorn in the Order's side with a number of other active Death Eaters, including his brother Dante, and Rodolphus and Rabastan Lestrange.

It had also been Pietro Avery who had hit Lily with a Sleeping Curse during their seventh year, and James had carried that bitter memory with him ever since. He had battled Avery and his brother Dante several times since, hoping to defeat them, but they always managed to escape—another draw. If Avery was behind anything that had happened to Sirius, James was determined to see that change once and for all.

"What happened?" he demanded, shaking himself out of the past.

"Sirius left Gideon on guard last night. He said he would be back in the morning, but he never returned. Apparently Gideon found signs of a struggle outside the village this morning. No one has heard from Sirius." He paused for another pull. "Gideon thinks he was taken."

James stared at his friend, confused and terrified at the same time. While it was rare to not hear from Sirius on a regular basis, two or even three days was not that unusual, not when they all had their own assignments for the Order that sometimes separated them for weeks. "How does he know for sure?" he asked. "Maybe it was someone else, or maybe he's gone off somewhere following a lead…" He trailed off at the dark look on Remus's face.

"You didn't say why Prewett thinks he was kidnapped, Lupin," Aberforth Dumbledore cut in before James could ask. "Care to tell us the rest of the story?"

"There's not much else to tell." Remus sighed and pushed his food away after taking just a few bites. "Gideon tracked down a witness who saw what happened. Sirius was hit pretty bad and taken away by five Death Eaters."

"Dead or alive?" asked Jack McKinnon. James's head shot up.

"He's alive until I see otherwise." He stood and began pacing. "So what's the plan?"

Remus finished his drink and leaned back. "I don't know. Dumbledore is looking into it. Fabian is on duty in Haverleigh tonight. But I'm barely standing, if that's what you're thinking. I was out all night on assignment in Hogsmeade, and of course tonight won't be much better…" He closed his eyes and leaned back as he trailed off, obviously exhausted. James knew the full moon would take even more of a toll on his friend.

"Have you seen Pete yet?" asked James. He thought Peter was probably working at the apothecary, but he wasn't sure. Remus shook his head.

"I came straight here as soon as Dumbledore told me. What are we going to do?"

Aberforth snorted. "You're going to wait until Albus tells you what to do, that's what. Don't go running off on some damn fool rescue mission until you know everything that he knows." He stood to leave, taking up his package. "Otherwise you'll end up in worse trouble yourself."

Without another word, he left the kitchen, returning to his dingy pub for the dinner crowd and whatever information he could gleam from behind the bar. James watched him go, idly wondering at the stark difference between Aberforth and his brother, then ran a hand through his hair as he turned back to Remus. "You know he's wrong," he started.

"And yet he's right," finished Remus, his eyes still closed. "I can't go. Not tonight. You know I can't."

"I know," James murmured. "But I can go. I've fought these guys before."

"We all have," said Jack, watching him very seriously. James waved him off. "They're brutal, James."

"I know. But I can handle Avery. I have to—it's Sirius we're talking about."

"What about Peter?" asked Remus. He sat up and looked pointedly at James, his grey eyes piercing. "He should know."

"Tell him, then. But he's not cut out for search and rescue. You know he's not."

Remus nodded reluctantly, because it was true: Peter was good behind the scenes, ferreting out information by simply listening in the background. He was the one who was usually sent into the shops and pubs, the nondescript listener in the corner whose sharp hearing picked up on everything and fed it to Dumbledore, who then plucked the patterns and plans from the babble and somehow kept their fledgling Order barely alive. Peter was not the one to march into battle, or even sneak into battle; that was James and Sirius. And since one of them was missing, it was up to the other to find him. He turned to Jack.

"I won't even ask—" he started.

"I'd sign up in a heartbeat—on Dumbledore's orders." He stood and gave them a sympathetic look. "Until then, I'm here for the rest of the night, and then I'm heading home to see Marlene and the girls. It's been a long, hard week—as usual." He nodded at them both and turned to leave, but stopped in the doorway. "That doesn't mean Gideon wouldn't be willing, so long as Fabian has the Fenwicks."

James nodded thoughtfully at Jack's back as he left. Jack McKinnon was a good man, strong and loyal and utterly dependable. He did not, however, have that same streak of rule-breaking that sometimes still followed James and Sirius since leaving school. Jack's first priority was his family, and James understood that perfectly. Yet for him, Sirius was family, and he would do anything for his best friend.

"What are you going to do?" asked Remus wearily from the table. His eyes were closed once more, and James knew Remus would need to leave soon, before he became dangerous. They no longer roamed the woods in their Animagus forms during the full moon; instead, one of them would magically lock their friend behind closed doors, releasing him in the morning after a long, difficult night alone. It was hard, when they had spent three glorious years roaming the Forbidden Forest, free of restraint. And yet they knew they could never go back to that place. As teenagers, they had ignored and mocked the danger; as adults, they understood it all too well.

James didn't answer because he wasn't sure yet. Instead, he finished his drink and set it in the rubbish bin. "Let's go before you collapse. I'll get you settled before I do anything."

Remus stood, cleaned up after himself, and followed James toward the door. Jack McKinnon was sitting on the sofa writing and nodded knowingly at them as they gathered their cloaks and left the small flat in Diagon Alley that served as their central meeting place. As they stepped into the cold autumn air, Remus breathed deep and gave James a questioning look.

"You'll tell Lily, whatever you do." It wasn't a question so much as a statement. James stopped and stared up at the clear, cold sky. Lily was still at work, training at St. Mungo's even as she did double duty with the Order. How she managed it some days, he hardly knew. Her increasing skills as a Healer, however, were growing more and more useful, and she was a strong fighter on top of it.

"Yes, I'll tell her," he finally replied. "She can check on you in the morning."

In truth, he had no intention of telling her that Sirius was being held prisoner and quite possibly being tortured to death. Her and Sirius sometimes drove one another mad with bickering—James long suspected that Lily had simply transferred her verbal sparring skills to the one of them she wasn't sleeping with—but James knew that deep down she cared about his best friend as much as he did and would understand just how important it was to find Sirius.

Yet while he had gone on several missions with her for the Order, this one was his alone. He would not risk her life on such a dangerous operation, especially one he would be undertaking without Dumbledore's approval. James had long harbored ill feelings toward the Avery brothers, and he had little doubt that they were tangled up in whatever had happened to Sirius. And if, as he somehow suspected, the Lestranges were involved as well, it would be even more dangerous. He was anxious to fight them, but would not put Lily in the position of having to fight beside him when it was so personal.

"You're a good friend, Prongs," Remus murmured. "You'll find him. You know where I'll be tomorrow if you need me—or rather, when you need me."

James put his arm around Remus's shoulder, a quiet smile the only acknowledgement of his friend's small joke. "I know. It'll be fine. I'll find him."

"Of course you will." Remus nodded. "Just don't lose yourself."

James thought about what that might mean as he turned and Apparated to the small house where Remus now lived. Hopefully, it did not mean what he feared most.


Back in his own home several hours later, James heard a sound and raised his head to stare groggily at the door as he grabbed for his wand. He rummaged around for his glasses with his other hand and sat up straighter, stretching his neck and trying to calm his suddenly racing heart. He'd fallen asleep at the table waiting for Lily to get off her shift at St. Mungo's, and as he squinted at the clock over the sink, he saw that she was late—several hours late. He'd meant to tell her he was leaving and be well on his way by then, only now it was close to midnight.

His wife looked weary as she came through the door, stumbling slightly as she entered the kitchen in the dark, swearing as she walked into a chair. James was fairly sure he heard a sniff and immediately brought up the lights.

"What's wrong?" he asked, dreading the answer after he had asked Remus the same question earlier.

She gasped in surprise, her wand up almost instantly. He couldn't help but grin bitterly at the reflexes the war had bred in them all. At the same time, he rose and enveloped her in an embrace, and she melted into his arms as if she could barely hold herself upright anymore.

He kissed the top of her head and helped her out of her cloak. "What happened?" he asked again. And then, though it seemed incongruous and almost insensitive, "Are you hungry?"

She shook her head and took his hand, leading him from the kitchen toward the bedroom in the front of the house. "No, I'm too exhausted to eat. It's been a horrible night."

"Lily, what happened?" he asked again. He was suddenly overwhelmed by thoughts of Sirius: had he been found, had he been brought to St. Mungo's, had he died? All while James was asleep, waiting for his wife before he set out after his best friend? He swallowed his guilt as they entered the bedroom.

"You haven't heard?" she asked wearily, letting her clothes fall to the floor around her. She pulled on a simple cotton nightshirt and let her hair down.

"I've been here since I left Remus—apparently I fell asleep at the table," he admitted a bit sheepishly. "I was waiting for you."

"I know, I'm sorry," she murmured, taking his hand and leading him to the bed. They pulled back the covers and sat against the pillows, fingers entwined, James's heart racing because surely something terrible had happened.

"Tell me," he implored.

"It's the Fenwicks," she whispered, and he saw tears she had probably cried already start to fall once more.

"Benjy?" James whispered back, unable to believe that they might have lost a member of their small group. "Dead?"

"No, not Benjy," she replied. "His brother. The whole family was killed in Haverleigh."

"In Haverleigh…"James trailed off, stunned. That was where Sirius had been, trying to head off that very same tragic ending. Was that why he had been attacked and taken? Because he'd simply been in the wrong place at the wrong time—had been in the way? James was suddenly aware of the very real possibility that Sirius might be dead as well.

"What happened?" he finally croaked. "Tell me what happened."

"Fabian Prewett was there, guarding them. He sent for help, but it was over too fast. He was hurt pretty bad. Gideon is beside himself for not getting there in time."

"Who was it?" asked James. He needed to know.

"I don't know. Gideon didn't see, and Fabian was still unconscious when I left. Benjy brought his brother in, but he didn't make it." Lily looked away, taking a deep breath to steady herself. "I saw him die, James. I watched his life end because there was nothing we could do. He'd been worked over too badly. Apparently his wife and daughter died at the house, right in front of him. Maybe he didn't want to live." She turned back to him, her face crumpling, her voice breaking. "They attacked the whole family, and Benjy found them like that, dead and dying. I can't imagine how he must feel…"

James wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. She sobbed into his shoulder, and he felt his own eyes prick with tears, but he didn't let them fall. Not yet. He was even more determined now, to set out as soon as he could to find Sirius, dead or alive. And he suspected he'd have a ready and willing—not to mention equally angry—companion in Gideon Prewett. He just needed to start, and yet he couldn't leave. Not now.

Eventually the storm passed, and Lily pulled back, wiping her eyes with a rueful smile. "I'm training to be a Healer, and yet here I am a bloody mess over something that happens every day."

"You're upset because it was someone close to you," James murmured, stroking her hair as they lay back against the pillows.

"I didn't even know them," she replied. "But the look on Benjy's face, on Gideon's face. One so devastated, the other so angry. It was awful." James found himself tense, because he understood that anger all too well, and he knew she would not. At that moment she only felt sorrow. He might have told her about Sirius, at first, but now he couldn't. He would have to tell her something else.

"We should sleep," he finally said. "I have to be in Hogsmeade before morning."

She turned and frowned up at him. "What for? Have you heard something?"

He decided to give her half the truth, because he couldn't bring himself to lie to her so completely. "I'm following a lead, since Remus won't be up to it. I shouldn't really say more."

To his relief, she was not in one of her more stubborn moods and accepted his vague response. In some ways it was true, after all, and there were those rare times when they kept secrets from one another, though they always shared them in the end. He felt his guilt compound, that he was keeping something so important from her, and closed his eyes against it, hoping he could make it up to her when he returned…if he returned.

He felt Lily snuggle into his side and put his arm around her. She responded by burrowing her face into his neck, then slowly wrapping one leg around his as her right hand began to trace circles across his chest. He felt his breath catch as she kissed his neck, then his collarbone, then pulled his face to hers and fiercely took his lips in a deep and passionate kiss. He knew immediately what she wanted, what she needed, and though it felt almost sacrilegious in light of so much death that night, he needed it too: the affirmation of life, the feeling that there was something worth living for when sometimes it was hard to keep hope alive.

He threw his worries to the wind and pulled her on top of him. With one fluid motion she tugged off her nightshirt and leaned down to kiss him, her hair falling about him as he ran his hands down her cool back. She quickly divested him of his own clothing, and they explored one another as if it were the first time and the last, the tragedy of the day disappearing into whispered declarations of love and exclamations of intense desire as they came together.

When they had finished, he held her tight, and she fell asleep in his arms. He did not close his eyes; instead, he planned his course carefully, determined to return to the remarkable woman he had pledged to spend the rest of his life with, no matter the cost.


End Notes:

Thank you to lea/mugglegirlmarauder for her help and encouragement! Thank you for your reads and reviews! If you have any questions as this goes along, I certainly will answer them because writers always love to talk about their stories, and this one is a strangely important one to me. :)