Hey guys, thanks for all your reviews! I do appreciate them very much! Chapter 2 is short but very intense! Enjoy & review please!
The following day was pretty flat, Major Crimes didn't catch any new case so the whole squad was engrossed with paperwork. Captain Raydor hated and loved days like those: on one side it meant anything bad that required their attention happened, on the other side time hung a bit heavy. She had too many thoughts passing through her head and Andy was avoiding her since she entered the Murder room. When they were forced to interact, Sharon and Andy kept addressing each other as "Captain" and "Lieutenant" and that hadn't happened since when they still needed to talk to Chief Taylor about their relationship, it looked like a life ago. She didn't want all that indifference but at the same time she didn't know how to fix the mess she created, she couldn't tell him she changed her mind, that she just panicked the night before but she was ready now because it wasn't true: she was even more panicky now and not to move in with him but to lose him. Andy wouldn't have understood, he'd have thought she was doing it for the wrong reasons, he knew her well but she did know him too.
She glanced at him through her office's open blinds: he was at his desk, a furrowed expression of concentration on his face, he was beautiful, beautiful like something so dear that belonged to her only. In that moment she realized she did love him, she loved him so much to be terrified, to stumble and fall, to push him to do exactly what she scared her the most... Leaving her.
Tears stung in her eyes, it was so hard to hold them back, to fight against herself when all she wanted was running to him and losing herself in his loving arms but she couldn't do it, she knew that.
At the end of the day Sharon felt drained and exhausted more than she'd have been after a normal day of hard work; the emotional pain seemed to drag her down into a dark hole with no end or exit.
She had dinner with Rusty and didn't even complain when he pushed to go getting burgers, that didn't go unnoticed to her super attentive son.
"Mmhm, where's Andy?" he asked after giving a mouthful to his burger
"Don't speak with food in your mouth" Sharon scolded him
Rusty swallowed smiling and asked the question again
"I guess home" she answered nonchalantly
"Is he not spending the n…"
"Rusty, Andy's at his house. End of story"
"You look strange, as if something happened"
"Nothing happened"
"You didn't even object when I proposed burgers for dinner… you are strange"
"I'm tired, just that"
"You told me it was paperwork day today"
"Rusty please" she said exasperated
"Okay, okay but I'll tell you what you told me two days ago… which feeling is worse? Going to talk to Andy or you sitting here miserable without him?"
Sharon sighed "You're right. Finish your dinner and I'll take you home, then I'll go to him. Thank you"
Rusty smiled "Just using your wise words"
"How did you know something happened between Andy and I?"
"Maybe because he's basically living with us?"
"That's not true"
"How many nights does he spend at his house?"
"Well, I don't know…"
"I'll tell you, maybe once a week"
Sharon stared at her son having one of her disturbing clarity moments. Rusty was right, she and Andy spent every free moments together and that included him spending the night at her place, how couldn't she notice it? It wasn't new for Sharon realizing things that were crystal clear to others around her but that…
They were already living together but he wanted to make it "official", to find a bigger place for all of them and all she could think about was making a mistake. Sharon didn't consider Andy a mistake, she loved him but for all the wrong reasons her past and old wounds kept interfering with her present and possible future.
When Sharon left Rusty at home, she decided to shower and change first, she needed to leave Captain Raydor behind and be just Sharon for the conversation she was going to have with Andy. She retouched her make-up and chose a casual black wrap dress and a pair of flat sandals, she also had her sexy lingerie on: not that she planned to go to him to have sex but it was better to be prepared anyway.
Sharon sighed and left the condo with Rusty's "good luck" following her: she was glad to have such an attentive and supportive son who took care of her in his own way.
While Sharon drove to Andy's house, she tried to calm her nerves, to prepare a good speech, a way to apologize and open her heart to him but she couldn't come up with the right words. What could she say to him to make him change his mind and forgive her? Or just wait for her, again? He asked her time and space but she knew that if she gave it to him he'd have never come back to her and she couldn't lose him, not after she found him, she just couldn't. Sharon wiped some tears away, she didn't want to cry but the only idea… she almost lost him with the "blood clot" situation and they had gone through so much, she couldn't screw up everything now.
She felt a little more determined to make it right, to make him understand her reasons and apologize in every possible language because she did love him and she never truly said to him, she was the one who always said "me too" and that was different.
As soon as Sharon parked in front of Andy's house, she noticed a red car and a blonde girl heading to his door and what happened next changed completely her plans: Andy opened the door, smiled and greeting the girl hugging her and welcoming her in his home. Sharon couldn't believe her eyes… did he cheat on her all that time? Every time he told her he loved her and wanted to build a life with her, was that a lie? Her inside twisted at the idea of him touching another woman and the more she tried to find another explanation for what she saw, the more she saw him shedding her clothes, piece after piece until they were both naked and they fucked in front of her eyes. It was like a disgusting porn movie projected in her mind and she couldn't stop watching, she was stuck, her own mind was playing tricks to her, her insecurities resurfaced making the impossible so possible… was her Andy like any other man? She tried to remember the frequency of their sexual intercourses and they had sex a lot lately but maybe he needed more, he had waited for too long and before she decided to give herself to him, he found someone else to scratch the itch.
It couldn't be true, it wasn't happening to her, not again, not after what she had been through with Jack, not after decades of having found another perfume on her husband or lipstick traces on his shirts, she couldn't face that again, she wouldn't have.
Sharon knew she had to confront him, she knew she had to go knocking at his door and catch him in the act but couldn't find the strength to do it, to see all her hopes and dreams fell apart. It took her so long to trust him with her life, with her heart, with her body and was that how he repaid her? Cheating on her?
She didn't know how long she had been staring in front of her without moving from her car, she barely breathed and she hated herself for that: Sharon Raydor had never been scared of the truth, even when it was bad, even when it was inconvenient so who the hell was that weak, broken little sissy who was trembling in her own skin? Because it couldn't be her, not the woman who shut up criminals with a glare, not the woman who kept fellow officers in line for decades, not the head of Major Crimes and the highest rank woman in the LAPD. She felt sorry for herself, for how she reduced herself for a man and she hadn't needed him, she hadn't needed to be loved but it showed to her how what it was like and she couldn't go back to before now: she hadn't really learnt anything and it was so sad.
She forced herself to react, to get out of that damn car and go finding the proves she needed so with slow and shaky steps – thanking God she wasn't wearing heels – she arrived to his door.
Sharon took a deep breath and knocked, inside the house a female voice said she was going to open and that made her panic because she knew she wouldn't have been fast enough to run away. A surge of bile rose in her throat and she only had time to make some steps before the door opened and she found herself throwing up.
TBC
