JPOV
I walked into the house removing my bloody boots. I don't know what was more upsetting, the damage of my brand new very expensive cowboy boots, or the fact that I had wasted food. The cougar was far more difficult to deal with than I was expecting. But aren't all cougars? I chuckled at my own dark humor. But hey, when you live through a war and live for many years after in a decaying world full of many more wars, it was hard not to grow dark. I became my darkest during the period that I was under the control of Maria. I did terrible things because of that undead harlot. Those thoughts disgusted me. Every kill, every bite, every time I succumbed to her in every meaning of the word. How she utterly used me to do her dreadful bidding. I loathed and despised her with every fiber of my existence. I knew at some point in my eternal life that I would cross her blood stained path again. And when I did, I would repay her back for what she had done to me. Or at least that was how I used to think.
For now I had my Alice. My love, my life, my all. I loved her more than any feeble word good old Webster could come up with. From the instant I walked into that diner on that fateful day, it was love. Divine, unmistakable, unbreakable, unstoppable, irreplaceable, love. I set eyes upon her glorious dainty form as she stared me down from the counter where she was seated. She was the only person with not a morsel before her. Her smell was unlike any human in there. Her skin was the only one that wasn't a healthy glow. Her eyes were the final giveaway. She was like me. She just smiled at me and waved me over to sit with her. I could not deny such an invitation and gladly accepted. I tipped my hat to her and sat down at the barstool next to her.
She smiled even wider at me and I watched a twinkle in her eye as she spoke ''You have kept me waiting for a very long time Mr. Whitlock. I've expected you to come meet me for ages now." In that moment I knew of nothing else but her. She became my world in a matter of seconds. I grinned my southern gentleman smile and used my best drawl I could muster ''Well I do declare my fair lady, I do beg your sweet pardon for such a misdeed.'' Happiness was present ever after. For years we roamed the vast world together and enjoyed one another as we intended to do for forever. Not long after we met up with the Cullen clan, being their last children to join the family. I was happy. I still was. The happiest I had ever been. Not to say my human life hadn't been a joy. But what with my birth Mama dyin on me and my little sister. My Pa and my brother and I all went off to war. People whom I could barely remember but refused to completely forget. had been a massive blessing in looking up my family's history. But at the same token it just didn't feel the same as say, finding a diary of mine from my past life. I knew I'd kept one from when I was in the war. I don't know what ever became of it.
As I walked into our gorgeous living room I overheard something that I would never forget. ''Holy merciful goodness your gay!'' were the words that escaped my youngest brothers mouth. My mind was officially blown. I knew that in my many years of being in this family, that sometimes we Cullens got bored. This boredom, often lead to some very interesting escapades. Some of which included homosexuality. Stuff happens. You try being a vampire for forever. Forever can be very boring if you don't mix it up sometimes. But meanwhile back at the farm! I had no clue what was going on in this moment, and I wasn't quite sure that I wanted to know. I looked at Edward and then I stared at Emmett. After that I hung my head and sighed with breath that I didn't need. ''I feel sorry for whomever your humping Emm. You could kill somebody! Break their back. Not to mention the internal damage. I mean jeez. Your freakin ginormous! Stay straight! If anymore gays go missing in Forks people will start getting suspicious!''
I plopped onto the couch next to them, in order to discuss this matter and to understand just what in the 14 layers of Hell was going on here. Emmett glared at me with the animosity matching only that of a grizzly bear ''I. Am. Not. Gay! Rose would rip it off! What you talking bout? Jeez Jaz quit starting shit. And besides this is serious we need to teach Edward about sex.'' He went from pissed as the devil to being focused on intercourse. Boy had worse mood swings than a 13 year old girl. It was then that I sighed again. I then made the 'stick in the hole' motion with my hands, in order to tease Edward. I mean really now. In all of the years that we have lived on this earth, sort of, you would think that Edward would have paid attention to what nearly the entire world was obsessed with. ''It's that simple.'' I chuckled furiously at him.
He didn't find it as harmless a comment as it was meant to be. He lunged toward me much like the cougar had earlier. Emmett intercepted this motion and held us both at his arm's length. Which was wise because I was about to smack the taste out of his mouth. ''Quit screwing around guys! This is serious business now! This poor fool is about to get married for forever to the only girl in the world who has less mood swings than him and he doesn't know how to lay man! This is of dire importance!'' Emmett protested with fury. I couldn't help but scoff at the mood swing joke. Edward slapped Emmett's face with the force of a Jersey housewife. Emmett snapped. They proceeded to growl and snarl and argue and bicker. I prayed they wouldn't break anything in the house while Esme was gone. She had just redecorated and she would not be pleased to come home to damaged furniture.
I took the opportunity to get off of the coach and head over to the stereo over our state of the art flat screen. I searcher our vast music collection in pursuit of one artist in particular. This particular song was stuck in my head and it seemed to be a good song for this moment. Cobie Calliet, um no. Chris Brown, what the Hell is that trash doing in here? I tossed it across the room smashing it into smithereens. The cd went right past Emmett's head yet he gave no mind as he placed Edward in a headlock and they continued their screaming match. ''Meat head!" "Pansy!" "Neanderthal!" "Prude!" See what I mean? These bozos are my brothers. I finally found what it was I was looking for. I popped my prize out of its case and placed it in the stereo and pressed play. I turned the dial and then turned around to face my brothers.
Edward's reaction was of confusion, as was Emmett's until he realized what it was he was hearing. At that realization his eyes light up and he tossed Edward down and strode over to me. We bumped fists and I began to sing. ''Tuxedo waiters, black ties, white table cloths, and red wine.'' Emmett sang along ''We've been planning this night, lookin forward to it, for some time.'' ''Now honey I know you love getting dressed up.'' ''And you know I love showin you off.'' ''But watchin your baby blues eyes.'' ''Dancin in the candle light gloooow.'' We grinned devilishly at Edward and then at each other as we sang in unison ''All I can think about, is getting you home!" I felt a wave of sheer embarrassment come off of my brother as he darted out the door. No sir! We lunged for him and threw him back onto the couch which we heard break upon impact. Ah shit. ''Now see there Eddie, that wouldn't have happened had you not been dumb and tried to leave. Now we have to buy Esme a new couch!" I grumbled in frustration. I thought it was quite ungrateful of him to leave when he was about to learn a valuable lesson in sexual education.
''Or! He can just throw his celibacy out the window, call Bella over, throw her on this couch, and break it for real! Make us proud Ed! I'll go get your cell!" Emmett screeched with joy as he bolted up the stairs. Edward radiated pure unadulterated fury off of him. ''I explained this to you earlier Emmett! And if you touch my phone I will-'' ''You'll what Masen? Read my mind? Go head! I'll just imagine Rosie!'' Edward grabbed Emmett and slammed him down from the top of the stairs to the couch underneath us. This time the couch severed completely in half. Feathers flew everywhere, and wood splattered the area. I was about to scream with enough force to wake the dead when I noticed something protruding from underneath the couch. A worn out old antique looking book. Oh. My. Good. God. ''Dear Mary mother of lil baby Jesus! We finally found it!'' I exclaimed with jubilancy, I think I even jumped for joy. Emmett looked at my quizzically until he looked at what I was ogling. ''Hells yes! After years of searching we finally found it Jasper! It's like Christmas and Super Bowl fused together!'' He and I bumped chests and fists and did our famous touchdown dance.
''Just what is it that you two are having such an aneurism about now?" Edward whined since he never was one for our brotherly tomfoolery. ''Edward, we have found the exact perfect thing for you to use for such an occasion. But first, we must go to the Cullen Man Cave, so that we may fully appreciate this amazing artifact for all that it is.'' I stated as I lifted the couch to retrieve the sacred piece. Emmett and I tag team grabbed Edward and zoomed off to the west wing of the house where our deluxe man cave was. It was our haven. Each man of the house had his own section, except for the TV area which was a combination of us all. Every action movie, adult comedy, thriller, and whatever category you would place American Pie in, was in our shelves. I pranced over to the very bottom shelf and pried open the lock with great success. Jackpot. In front of us was every grade a adult entertainment DVD known to us. Edward was appalled at this but before he could protest we silenced him. ''It is for the greater good! Trust us Edward. We have both lived two lives, and have both been married for many years. We know exactly what we are doing in the sack.'' I boasted with pride.
''And the Jeep, and the bathroom, kitchen, living room, laundry room, hallway, beach, nearly every surface known to man.'' Emmett grinned like a goat eating briars. Edward sighed with defeat, ''Alright already! Let's just get this over with! Now what is it that you have found that is just so epically astounding? What is it like Kama Sutra or something?" ''No. It's not. Edward, the creator of Kama Sutra would bow down to the creator of this book.'' I stated simply. ''It's a book…really?'' Edward winced and gave us that old constipated look he always seemed to have. ''Don't you dare speak of it like that! Apologize foolish virgin! Beg forgiveness! Do it! NOW!'' Emmett roared with absolute seriousness. ''Alright! I'm sorry! Now seriously what is this thing?'' he pleaded with all that was left of him. ''Behold brother Edward, before you, in my calloused hands, is the one, the only, the book, the myth, the legend, The Cullen Sex Bible.''
