A/N: I don't own Downton Abbey or any of these characters. So, most of you said to continue on with this so I am. We'll see where it goes. This chapter is from Tom's perspective. I wanted to let us see what both he and Mary are feeling. A lot of you said you don't see what they had in common to start a relationship on, so I tried to discuss that. As always, reviews are highly appreciated. Enjoy.
Christmas 1922
Holidays just weren't the same as they used to be. Sure, this one was the first in a while where there had been no deaths in the year preceding it, but this Christmas still felt empty. When Cora gave a longing glance into space thinking about Sybil or when Isobel laughed at something Violet said and looked to Matthew for his reaction, only to find him absent, it was clear that everyone not recovered nor did they know if they ever would be.
Tom was one that did not think he would ever be happy again. Of course, there was Sybbie and she was his world and the Crawleys had come to think of him as truly part of the family, but that wasn't happiness. He knew what happiness was. It was what he had with Sybil when they lived in Ireland for the sweet, brief year as husband and wife. Sometimes he longed to go back to Ireland and Robert had even mentioned that he might be able to get the restriction lifted so Tom could return, but he knew that he really didn't want to go back. He didn't want to take Sybbie away from her family and he didn't want to leave them either.
As much as he was surprised by it, Tom knew that he belonged at Downton Abbey. He still had that revolutionary fervor of his youth but he supposed he had been tamed, as Robert liked to put it. He had a daughter to think about now and he needed to create a stable life for her. His job as the estate manager achieved this goal and to his surprise, Tom had come to enjoy it. Even without Matthew as his partner, Tom found contentment in bringing the estate into the modern times and knowing that he was making it safe for his daughter and his nephew.
Since Matthew's death, Tom had found a surprisingly more than willing partner in modernization in Robert. He believed it had been seeing the Flintshires in ruin, along with Matthew's demise that had changed Robert's views once and for all. Together they continued the plans that Matthew had laid out and the estate was beginning to flourish. They had even begun to involve Mary in the estate affairs, since she would most likely need to help young George when he took over as earl.
Interactions between Tom and Mary had become awkward since that day at the graveyard. They had both said more than they had wanted to and Tom had consequently decided to not say much of anything else on the matter. That isn't to say that he didn't think about it a lot, because he did.
When he thought about himself and Mary, Tom just became confused. He felt something for her, but he had no idea what that was. They had become so close the past few years and quite depended on each other for companionship and sometimes a shoulder to cry on, but was there something more? Tom thought Mary very attractive, but it wasn't like he felt about Sybil. Sybil and Tom had thought so similarly on things and shared beliefs and combined with a deep attraction to each other, love had blossomed. It wasn't like that with Mary. He knew they didn't think very much alike. She prided herself in being a member of the aristocracy while he despised the institution. Perhaps that was their attraction: they challenged each other and they liked that. They both liked a good fight and whenever politics came up, there was sure to be one between them.
All this thought didn't really matter though, because Mary and Tom barely spoke to each other lately. They continued to spend time with Sybbie and George together and speak about the estate, but the conversations they had had before about more intimate matters had ceased. Tom was afraid to escalate things more than they had become and he suspected Mary felt the same.
Today, that would change. Mary and Tom found themselves seated next to each other at Christmas dinner. They had both been dismayed to discover this when they entered the dining room. Usually, they were seated far apart but with Rosamund staying for the holidays, the seating arrangements had shuffled a bit.
Rose was going on about how she had received a letter from her mother in India and going into great detail about it which caused Mary to whisper, "Granny always said Cousin Susan was long winded. Rose has clearly not fallen far from the tree."
Tom had to muffle his laughter as Mary changed the subject. "Sybbie seemed very pleased with all her presents earlier. I hope you approve of the dress I bought her. I wondered if you would think it was too fancy," she questioned.
"Oh. I thought it was perfect. I appreciate you and Cora buying her dresses and such. Lord knows I wouldn't know what to get her," Tom replied.
"It is my pleasure. I enjoy buying things for her. I'll most likely never have a daughter to pick out dresses for," Mary said somberly.
Tom frowned at her resignation to be alone and said, "Why do you say that? I'm sure you will find happiness with someone else one day. Matthew wouldn't want you to be alone forever."
"You're right and I suppose I could say the same thing about Sybil not wanting you to be alone," Mary answered.
"I know. It seems we are both waiting for someone to come along then. I just don't know if it's possible for me to feel happy like that again." As Tom spoke, he thought back to his unfortunate experience with that housemaid that only reduced him to tears instead of making him feel good again.
Mary thought for a minute before she replied with, "Perhaps we must just take happiness where we can and accept that it will never be as good as it was with them."
"I think you're right," Tom said. He enjoyed them speaking as they had before that day and now felt compelled to bring that encounter up to resolve it once and for all. He thought about what to say and finally said, "About that day we met in the cemetery, I think we both said things we wished we didn't say and we shouldn't let it get in the way of our friendship."
Mary look surprised at his mentioning of the incident, but calmly replied, "Of course we shouldn't. Though, I think that even if we said things we didn't want to, it doesn't mean that they were not true." With that, she smiled and turned to speak to Edith.
Tom was startled at her reply. She meant what she said and he supposed he did too, but what did that mean? What was going on between them? He didn't know and could only guess that he would have to wait and see. One thing he did know was that things felt normal between them again. He was at least glad of that. Perhaps this Christmas wasn't so awful after all.
