A/N: Roxas now. he's less reflective for three reasons: he's sore about his lives, he lives in the "now", and i didn't want to get repetitive. so it's shorter; from about 2,400 words to about 2,000. oh well. enjoy anyhow. :3
I hate dying. It sucks. And it happens way too often for my liking. The first time wasn't even by myself, either! I was connected to Sora and left the world when he did. And then, the next time around, I came into the world when he did; twins. I love Sora, truly I do, but sometimes death and birth by his side gets old.
But what really gets to me is hearing Axel die prematurely in each life. It gets under my skin and scorches my insides. Because dying really does suck, especially when someone you care about, someone you can't live without, dies before you do.
In my second life, I ended it myself for that reason. Axel doesn't know, because he was being reborn by the time I got to limbo following my suicide. I just… didn't want to ache anymore. Sora was devastated, I realize, but can you blame me? I… I loved Axel to the brink of insanity. He was… everything to me. I still feel guilty for what i did to him as a Nobody, hurting him like that. So some of my own anger directed at myself carried into the next life, and it helped fuel my reasons for suicide.
So ya hear that, Axel? I killed myself over you. Metaphorically and literally. I gave my body and heart to you, so all I had left was for you to take my soul, too. But you died before I could give it to you. I fixed that, though.
Alright, alright, I know I'm sounding completely emo and scary. I'm sorry. That's how I was in that second life, though; a little strange and hopeless. And yet he became my friend when I was eight and loved me all the way until the end. He didn't care how broken and twisted and hurt I was. Axel cared about me. And he showed me just how much he cared time and time again, in different forms. I feel like I took it all for granted. He was the best friend anyone could have, and the only lover for me. Man, was I an idiot for letting him go.
And where am I now? I died again, after Sora this time. Sora was choked up over Riku, because despite being engaged to Kairi, he loved Riku. Mostly like a brother, I think, but I can't be sure. Through all our lives, Riku and Sora always had a… questionable relationship. So anyhow, Sora died first. Suicide, like the road I took in my second life.
Man, must everyone die at once? Are they all rushing to get to limbo or something? It's not like any of us deserve Heaven. We've all messed up, big time. And suicide definitely lands you here.
"You think Riku's here, too?" Sora asks me as we wander around the strange place. It feels like there's a film in front of my eyes, a sort of disoriented glass, making dull colors blurred and the shapes of buildings in the mist unrecognizable.
"I know he is."
"How do you know?"
I turn on him. "Look, Sora, it's not that hard to figure out: we've all died three times and came here each time. And since we haven't moved on to something new, we're going to be staying here for who knows how long. All of us. Like Riku and Axel and anyone else we cared about."
That shuts him up. He stares ahead blankly and gulps. I can see his Adam's apple quiver. But I know he's not scared or anything; Sora's never scared. It's more like he's anxious, worried, and eager. Like he always is and always has been.
"Where are we going?" he wants to know.
I shrug. "Towards that huge building over there. I see some other people nearby." Not that they're people any longer; just souls.
He nods like it makes perfect sense to him. Follow the crowd, see what's going on… it's all Sora's ever done. I prefer to break free, but there's not much to break from here in limbo.
Axel liked to break free, too. We were a pretty wild bunch, with Demyx at our center. He kept us together, since me and Axel can get pretty dysfunctional. I like it that way, though; I like arguing with Axel one minute and kissing to make up the next. Demyx always thought it was irritating how Axel and I never seemed to get along, and yet we did perfectly. I think he was jealous. Demyx never found anyone to keep, although I saw Zexion as a choice in nearly every lifetime. Xigbar, too, but Xig-xag Xebra (Demyx's nickname for him that Axel liked to use because it was funny) was too old for Demyx and kinda strange.
"Know what I don't understand?" Sora poses suddenly.
I tousle his hair and pull him into a headlock. I'm bored, and that building doesn't seem to be getting much closer. "Everything?" I say.
He throws my arms off of him and fixes his hair before punching me in the arm. "No. What I don't understand is why we've lived so many times. What makes us so special to waste three lives in a row? It's like picking petals from a daisy and dropping them into a paper shredder."
That's Sora for you: always trying to relate one thing to another. Namine adored it. But it drove Kairi nuts. Drove me nuts, too. And Riku would laugh whenever Sora did it, because he did it on any occasion, it didn't matter. You could be telling him how to fix a tire on a bike, and he'd relate it to something else to make it easier for him to understand. You could be talking about sex, and he'd try and relate it to something else to make it sound nicer. Or it'd be like now, where he related the situation to something else to make it seem less weird. But it is weird. We're dead and drifting in limbo. You can't make that seem any less weird than it is.
"Look," I begin as Sora laces his hands behind his head and I stick mine in my pockets (souls wear clothes, apparently; they look like the outfit I wore originally in Twilight Town when I was a Nobody, and Sora's look like his after I rejoined him and he visited Yen Sid). "I don't know why we're so special. Maybe it's because we used to wield the Keyblade and you saved the worlds a few times. Who knows? Maybe we messed up and were given a chance to fix things in a different life. Maybe it's both, depending on who. All I know is, I miss being alive."
"Because of Axel?"
I sigh. "Yeah."
Sora nods. Then he sticks that stupid grin on his face. "Don't worry, we'll find him. And I'll find Riku. And when everyone's dead, we can all be a happy family again."
"I'd like that," I admit. Finding the pyromaniac was my first priority, but that sounded like a damn good plan.
He grins at me, his blue eyes connecting with my own for a second. Then he's looking away, his face serious again. "What's that building say? I can't read it from here."
"It says, 'Limbo Hotel and Resort'."
"Guess they want to make this pace feel like home," he chuckles.
It'll never be Earth, though. It'll never be what I want it to be, which is a place to live. It's more like a place to exist. When you're dead. Uhg, death sucks…
"Roxas," Sora calls.
I withdraw my hands from my pockets and force a grin to my face. "Yes?"
"What's your favorite memory out of your lifetimes? Mine is fighting Heartless with Donald and Goofy. It was a lot of fun, and I felt useful. And I got to meet a lot of people along the way, like Hercules and Jack Skellington and Alice and King Mickey and Leon and Merlin and –"
I cut him off with a shakes of my head. "I don't have a favorite memory."
"None?"
"None."
"Why not?"
I look off in the distance where the light was coming from. Is it always day here? Like how it's always twilight in Twilight Town? With a sigh I comb my brain for something to say to my 'brother'. "Nothing stands out in my mind. Eating sea-salt ice cream with Hayner, Pence, and Olette on the clock tower… meeting Axel when I was fifteen and he was twenty-something at the coffee house… they're all memorable, none is my 'favorite'. Because I always felt shafted, like I wasn't allowed to be happy. Because some of those memories, like eating the ice cream with my friends, were fake. An illusion from Ansem while I was unconscious and being used to being you back. Or they were short, because I couldn't be with Axel very long."
"Oh," is all he can say in response. I figured as much.
That's when we spot Pence. "Pence!" I say in surprise.
"Roxas? Dude, is that you? Long time no see!" he says cheerfully.
"What happened to you, big guy?" Sora asks.
"Diabetes," Pence sighs. "Should've laid off the ice cream." He glances between us. "What about you?"
Sora looks embarrassed. "Suicide."
Pence looks to me, his green eyes searching. Like us, he's in his original clothing, a red shirt and sweatbands with shorts and sneakers. I blow it off, like it doesn't matter. "I'm here, aren't I? Let's just leave it at 'I died'."
Pence smiles weakly. "There's the Roxas I know: the one who doesn't care about himself. You're pretty selfless, man."
"Nah, you're thinking of Sora," I say teasingly. "He's the one who saved lives the first time around and helped them the second time around."
"But I got selfish this last time," Sora sighs. "I took my own life."
Pence shrugs. "It's not so bad, man. I mean, I don't blame you… honest. No one here does. Speaking of which, did you two check into the hotel yet? It's nice there. And I think I saw Riku. Are you looking for him?"
Sora's eyes light up like a kid on Christmas. "Yes, we are! He's in there?"
"Yup," the other brunette nods. "Ask the receptionist."
"Thanks!" Sora grins and races off towards the hotel.
"I better go with him. Good seeing you, Pence, even if we're both dead."
"Nah, we're not dead, we're just in reduced to our souls," he winks. He always was the more logical one of us. Olette was the funny one. And Hayner? The idea man. I miss them…
"Catch ya later," I say and hurry off to find Sora. He's talking to a pretty woman at a desk inside the building.
I watch him converse with her, something I do a lot. Sit back and watch while Sora does all the talking, all the work. Axel changed that; he let me talk and work while he sat back. Said I deserve the attention. Maybe he was being lazy, but I always appreciated it; back when we were in the Organization especially. Organization XIII never took me too seriously since I was the youngest and latest member to join. But Axel did. He took me seriously, and helped me through the trials and tribulations of the organization of Nobodies and their twisted schemes. I never got to thank him, come to think of it…
"Come on, Roxas! This way!" Sora calls to me. I nod my head and begin to follow his eager form, but the woman at the front desk stops me.
I cock my head at her. "What?"
She smiles softly with her lips closed. "Dying isn't so bad, Roxas. Now that you're both here, you can find each other."
I'm about to ask if she meant Axel when Sora comes back for me to tug at my arm. A bubble of hope swells in my chest, and I give her a half smile. "Thank you."
So this is it, huh? This is where death finds Axel and I: in limbo. As I scale the building with Sora towards a room labeled 'lagoon and spa', all I can think is:
I know you're here, Axel, and I know you're waiting.
Well so am I.
I'm sitting here idly in limbo, wondering where you could be and if you can reach me.
