I Against I


Six months prior


Kanda was in Germany when he got the news. He was doing reconnaissance work in preparation for a potential Noah sighting, and when the Finder brought the golem to him with unconstrained excitement Kanda was skeptical and very annoyed. He took the receiver, expecting to hear some mundane news about Komui's new invention, but Lenalee's crying voice caught him by surprise.

"Kanda, Kanda," the girl sobbed. "They've come back!"

"Who?"

"Bookman and, and, and…" she had to swallow three times before finishing. By then Kanda's eyes were wide and the receiver was beginning to crack under his clenching fingers. "…and Lavi. They came back an hour ago! They're not –"

Kanda hung up and immediately ran out the room. The Finder chased after him, yelling about their destination and lack of transport but Kanda heard nothing. He needed to go back – now! He was sure Lenalee wouldn't lie to him about something this big but he couldn't believe it. Wouldn't until he could see it (him) with his own eyes. The dead did not return. He would run the whole goddamn way back to Headquarters if he had to.

Fortunately the Finder was quite competent and managed to get them onto an early winter supply train. Kanda spent the next night and day riding in a bumpy boxcar, the roar of the tracks in his ears and the smell of coal assaulting his nostrils. He slept little and ate less, only stared at Mugen in silence, grateful that the Finder for once was shrewd enough to leave him well alone.

He made it back to Headquarters two days after the call, sleep-deprived but otherwise little worse for wear. A quick inquiry and he was dashing up the stairs toward Komui's office. The Bookmen had been confined to the infirmary (for observation, he was told) for the past 48 hours and had just begun their official report this morning. He skidded to a halt when he almost crashed right into Allen, who was standing outside the office with Lenalee in tow.

"Kanda!" the white-haired boy exclaimed. "You can't go in there! Komui said – "

Kanda didn't bother yelling, just roughly pushed Allen out of the way and slammed his fist into the door. It swung open on the first hit, the heavy wood crashed into the wall with a bang. Behind him he heard Allen's protest and Lenalee shushing him. Kanda ignored them and stormed in, ruffling up a tornado of papers on the way.

"See? I just saved you from reinstalling new doors." An all-too-familiar voice he thought he'd never hear again said.

Kanda stared.

Lavi was sitting in a chair in front of Komui's desk, head propped on one hand and giving him a lazy, content smile. The hair was longer but the same vibrant red, the eyepatch new and the bandanna missing. He was dressed in a loose shirt and green trousers, Iron Hammer a small toy in the holster strapped to his thigh. Thinner than Kanda remembered, Lavi's face was two shades too pale, which only made the green eye appear all the more stark.

"You," Kanda was surprised by how steady his voice was. "You're supposed to be dead."

Lavi laughed. "Yu-chan, is this any way to greet an old friend? Plus, I distinctly remember telling you how hard it was for me to croak, no? Although the nurses did think I was a walking corpse until this morning, but that's beside the point."

Kanda felt Mugen slip from his fingers and clattered onto the floor. He crossed the room in two strides, hands reaching to yank the redhead up, out of the comfort of the chair. "Yu!" Lavi protested, limbs flailing in the air. "If you're going to kill me can you at least do it after I make the full report? I mean otherwise all we've done in the past months would've been for noth –"

He didn't get to finish because Kanda's mouth was on his, effectively sealing off his words with a full kiss. Lavi made a whimpering noise, hands came up to push on Kanda's chest. Kanda felt the man struggle against him and somewhere in his mind he gave pause. But his mouth was persistent – he hadn't felt those lips in so long, long enough to make Kanda desperate – and this unfamiliar coyness only spurred him to kiss deeper, harder, invading the other's mouth like a hungry parasite and drinking in the bittersweet taste.

Someone coughed very loudly, and Kanda's muddled brain dimly registered that they were nowhere near alone in the room. The distraction was enough for Lavi to successfully disentangle himself from Kanda's embrace. Kanda let go, watch the redhead drop back into the chair, and saw Komui's stern expression behind his desk.

"Kanda-san, aren't you supposed to be in Frankfurt?"

"I was." Kanda said.

Komui pinched the bridge of his nose. "So what're you doing here?"

"Seeing a ghost."

"Two ghosts," Bookman cut in. The old man was standing a few feet away, dressed in a similar green as Lavi. He looked even older than before, the hollow of his cheeks a yellow husk, and the ponytail on top was streaked with white. "As much as I regret to break up this…reunion, Junior and I have business to report. If you please." He gestured toward the door, a not-so-subtle cue for Kanda to leave.

"Tch," Kanda huffed. As reluctantly he was to admit the old man was right. They were two dead men who had come back from the clutch of the Noah. There was just too much information to be gained. He gave one more look at the redhead in the chair, who had purposely turned away, long hair blocking his face. Kanda frowned. Something else was off aside from the obvious resurrection. He couldn't really say what, though, so he simply spun on his heels, picked Mugen back up, and stalked out of the door.

Once outside Lenalee rushed up to him, grabbing onto his hands. "You saw them, too, right?" the girl said, her voice a pitch frantic. "They're both alive, actually alive. This is not a dream, is it? Is it?"

She burst into tears. Kanda sighed, but gently squeezed her hands. "No." he said, still vaguely tasting Lavi on his tongue. "It's not a dream."

"When they came in he was so frail the nurses had to hook him up to the machines in the science lab." Lenalee babbled. "They said he hadn't properly eaten in months, and they had to dig into him to get those parasites out. Brother said after Chaoji we couldn't be too careful but you didn't – he was screaming so loud we all heard it from our rooms. I was – I couldn't – do anything –"

Kanda felt like he had been stabbed in the back. "What?" he spat, not believing his ears. He just saw Lavi, and he was fine. The redhead looked and acted just fine!

"Didn't you see him in there?" Allen's tone was accusatory. "Did you think he was sitting down because he was lazy or something? Gosh, he could barely walk. Marie had to practically carry him up the stairs."

Acted. Of course he acted. Kanda closed his eyes. Now all the details began to surface. The high collar on the shirt, covering all of his body but especially the neck. The too-loose trousers that bunched against his hips. The way he was sitting and the fact that he never made an attempt to move out of the chair. Kanda cursed at himself. Why didn't he notice how odd it was that the apprentice was sitting down but his aged master stood beside him? Why didn't he realize that he found Lavi pushing against him unusual not because the redhead was doing it, but because he couldn't do it effectively? If it were before Lavi would have no trouble shoving Kanda away – and he did, plenty of times – but today Kanda had barely used a quarter of his strength. Fuck, how could he have been so fucking blind?

It probably was a blessing that he was in Germany when the Bookmen turned up. Otherwise Kanda might not have been able to stay in his room and listen to…whatever Lenalee had just described. For a second he had the urge to storm back inside Komui's office and rip apart the pretense. They should be past that, he and Lavi. There should be nothing artificial between them, there was nothing artificial between them and hadn't been since –

Three years was a long time, Kanda suddenly realized. A lot could happen – had happened – in three years. He had buried his past love, both of them, with his bare hands. He had tended his foster father's funeral after General Tiedoll had taken both Tyki Mikk and Sheril with him to the grave. He had seen what the 14th looked like in bouts of insanity, and how Allen Walker, the insignificant beansprout, managed to conquer one of the oldest Noahs alive and came out still an Exorcist to the Order. He had seen Lenalee's Innocence shatter, then re-crystalize, then shatter again, her legs now a mangled mess held together by her blood and nothing else. He had seen Chaoji getting ripped apart by the parasites inside him with no time for a single scream. Now, he saw his lost love return, after god knows what the Noahs had done, and smiled at him like no time had passed between them at all.

"Fuck, I'm an idiot," he finally said, leaning back against the hallway wall.

"For once, Kanda," Allen said dryly, "I can't find anything to disagree."


Komui wanted to send him back to Germany right after but Kanda refused. He was a General after all, and with that title came more autonomy than what Komui could affect. The Director didn't give up, though, insisting that the mission was pivotal and Kanda was the only one suited for the job. It was such a transparent lie that Kanda didn't bother to argue. He wasn't going to budge from the halls of the Headquarters until he had wrung every drop of truth from the Bookmen, and there was absolutely nothing anyone could say to deter him.

He found the Junior Bookman outside the infirmary, a lone and solemn figure sitting on a hallway bench. The redhead had donned their new Exorcist garb, its blue accents clashed terribly with the color of his hair. Lenalee told him that they were to dispatch Lavi on a mission as soon as he could reasonably handle his Innocence again. Utter bullshit, Kanda thought. Central had wanted to send the Bookmen out as soon as they had stepped through the doors. The war was closing in, and two more Exorcists meant their chance of survival had risen by quite a margin, considering the number of them left, and should be utilized as soon as possible. It must've taken some serious rhetoric for Komui to delay it for even this long.

It didn't mean Kanda agree with it. It certainly didn't mean the sight of the man too skinny to fill out his uniform didn't make Kanda seethe.

Lavi had on his usual quirky smile when he approached him. Kanda stopped in front of the bench, close enough that should he reach out he could touch the redhead's lips with his fingertips. He didn't, instead just gave Lavi a very hardened glare.

"Yu-chan," Lavi spoke, eye tracing up his General uniform toward his face. "Do you need something from me?"

"It's General Kanda now, you moron," Kanda said. "Show some respect."

Lavi laughed. It was a laugh that Kanda had never heard before, self-deprecating and wild like the punchline of a private joke. It was also the first and only sign so far that indicated this wasn't quite the same Lavi he had (had) before. The confusion must've shown on his face, for Lavi stopped laughing abruptly, expression settled back to neutral amusement.

"Aww, Yu, don't be like that. So you've been promoted – congrats; it's well past time, I say. Let me guess: you're here because you want to know what had happened to us the past three years, right?"

Kanda only crossed his arms, not rising to the bait. Lavi smiled again, before looking away from Kanda's glares with a soft sigh.

"Both Gramps and I gave Komui our full report, on everything. With your rank you shouldn't have any problem accessing those, so why're you asking me?"

"I rather hear it directly from your own mouth."

"Should've realized how much you still like my mouth, Yu-chan."

"Cut the crap," Kanda snapped, patience wearing thin. He felt like they have reverted way back, to the days when Lavi avoided Kanda with his obvious flirtations and Kanda avoided Lavi with his immaculate discipline. He could still see through some of the redhead's mannerisms, however, and what he saw was someone throwing words around in order to stall.

Lavi sighed again, accepting defeat but expression remained unperturbed. "Alright, Yu," he said, brushing back his long, messy hair. Kanda caught a glimpse of the exposed neck, the skin smooth and pale above the uniform collar. He felt a hint of arousal and almost shook his head in contempt. Well, nice to know that his libido had only been dormant and not dead. All he had to endure was one year of longing and two years of grief. A fucking cakewalk.

"Shall we go, then?"

"What?"

"Yu, if you want me to just tell you everything in the middle of this hallway, that's fine, too. But I figure you'd want to go somewhere that has more than one wall and no foot traffic, yeah?"

Lavi was giving him the same amused look he'd worn whenever he had done something stupid according to Lavi logic, which was way too many for Kanda's liking. "Fine," Kanda said, abruptly turning and stomping down the hall. He heard Lavi's soft footsteps behind him, just far enough so he could draw Mugen without hindrance but close enough to let him know he got his back. It was a pattern the two of them had formed from years of fighting together, and the familiarity was enough to make Kanda feel a faint, dull ache in his chest.


They ended up in a secluded section on the second floor of the library. The shelves were filled with old sea charts and maps of all sorts. The oil lamps on the walls were kept dim to prevent the atlases from fading into an unintelligible mess of shapes and lines. Because of the size of the maps the tables were large mahogany monstrosities complete with small, rickety stools. There was a single chaise wedged against a shelf with a yellow-green coverlet. It was sufficiently large, however, for two people to sit comfortably as long as they were somewhat upright.

But of course Lavi didn't bother to take that into account. He sprawled against the wooden armrest, body slanted sideways and long legs stretched out, taking up two-third of the cushions and forcing Kanda to be crushed against the other armrest. He also had a perfect view of Kanda without needing to turn his head. Kanda sat with his legs crossed, something he usually didn't do, but he rather be closed off than trying to vie for space against Lavi right now. They were here to talk, not to banter. Kanda wasn't going to waste any more time arguing about inconsequential things like seating etiquette.

"After all this time," Lavi again spoke first, "you're still as beautiful as I remembered, Yu."

"It really hasn't been that long," Kanda said dryly, even though he felt like he hadn't seen the junior Bookman for ages, either. He attributed that more to thinking the redhead was dead than anything else, though.

Lavi's laugh was short and hollow, a mockery of amusement and just cruel enough for Kanda to snap to attention and stare at the redhead with incredulity and suspicion. Who the hell is this? he thought, blue eyes narrowed. He couldn't tell if this was a new mask Lavi had conjured to protect himself or the real man, the one Kanda had gotten to know with their shared history, warped beyond measure under the Noah's sadistic hands. Subconsciously he moved further away, the arm of the chaise digging into his sides and Mugen's presence stirring by his feet.

"You know, those Noahs, they really mess with your head." Lavi said, as if reading his mind. "And I'm not even talking about Road. Sometimes I lose track of, well, everything. Can you imagine? The Bookman apprentice losing his memory. I didn't know where I was, or who I was supposed to be, or anything else, really. Thought I'd died, and all that was happening was just my head giving up the last bit."

Kanda had read the reports. All of the pages that he had access to, at least. He also read the medical files and knew exactly what had happened to Lavi, down to the last cut of skin and break of bone. He knew the Noahs had tortured him for eight months and twenty-two days before finally giving up on Bookman and releasing them to a nearby forest. They spent the next ten months in a remote village on the outskirts, Bookman working with the village doctor to nurse Lavi back to a semblance of what he once was. It was a miracle that no Akuma or Noah attacked them during the interim, although Bookman was sure, at least in his reports, that the Earl knew perfectly well where they were.

Kanda had never been conquered by mere words but the description in the report sent his stomach roiling. The Noahs were thorough, using every trick in the book and drawing out the process like molasses. Bookman had noted that for a period of six months after their release Lavi didn't speak a word. Not to anyone, didn't even make an excessive noise. At night, however, the redhead frequently screamed himself awake from nightmare-plagued sleep. Sometimes Bookman had to physically tie his hands to prevent him from hurting himself. Kanda nearly tore the pages apart when he got through the section, only abstained because he knew Bookman would never rewrite the report should it be damaged. He didn't quite understand why the old man had included it, though – it was neither Innocence- nor Noah-related business, more fitting in private accounts than in the official Order files. But then again his own history, along with Alma's, were included at Komui's insistence, so maybe the Director had forced the old man's hand.

The files after that were all sealed. From where the narrative left off Kanda deduced that the Bookmen had traveled around the world but never reappeared as Exorcists. If they had killed any Akuma they didn't inform anyone. Kanda supposed the files were locked because they were strictly Bookmen business, which was completely irrelevant to their war but he was once again puzzled why it was included in the first place. Lavi's account he couldn't access at all. He had asked Komui about it and received no reply, which only made the whole thing even more suspicious. It was a big part of the reason why he had to talk to Lavi himself. That, and, to assess whether this ghost was the same man he had mourned, the one who had captured all of Kanda Yu and gave him the strength to let the past go.

So far it didn't look very promising.

"They're dead now," he said to the redhead, turning to fully face him. "The ones who'd hurt you. Tiedoll killed them."

Lavi gave him a wry smile. "I heard. Didn't believe it when Gramps told me, actually. I mean I know Noahs can be killed – you did it once – but those two, well. Seems like they'd find a way to return, somehow, in spirit or another dimension or, something, you know?"

Kanda didn't. He watched Lavi curl into himself, hands absentmindedly going to a certain part of his chest. There was a deep scar there, Kanda knew, right below his heart where one of the Noahs – presumably Tyki – had reached in and cut a chunk of muscle straight from the bone. The thought made him grind his teeth.

Lavi noticed him watching. He shifted, relaxing his grip, eye scanning Kanda's face like an open book. "I still see their faces when they pretended to talk to me. Asked me all these questions that they knew I didn't have an answer to. Seven and a half month there and I couldn't even recall the type of chair I was tied to, but I could tell you about the shirt Tyki wore on the day he tried to tear out my liver. Crazy."

"Eight," Kanda said, then immediately realized he had just given himself away.

"So you did read the reports! That includes my med files, too, no? Kanda, what exactly do you want from me? And don't say 'from my own mouth' again because I know you don't like to waste time to hear the same thing twice."

The use of his formal name caught Kanda off guard. Lavi looked serious, all casual demeanor gone from his posture. Kanda sighed; it had been naïve to think he could lie to a man who lived on lies. But you got past all of that before, a voice in his head said. You got through to his true self. Do you have to do it all over again now?

"I only read Bookman's recount," he said, coming clean. "Anything after your stay in the village is sealed. Your entire personal recollection is sealed, too."

"Huh?" It was Lavi's turn to look surprised. "That shouldn't be. I saw Komui marking the clearance himself; someone like you should be able to access all of it. I wonder why..."

"It doesn't matter. I can't get to it, and that's that." He could practically see the gears turning in Lavi's head, trying to solve this puzzle. "Tell me what happened afterwards. After you recovered. Why didn't you return to the Order right away?"

"Would you believe me if I said I don't know?"

"No."

Lavi smiled again. It was the same one Kanda had seen back near the infirmary, desperate and unrecognizable. "I'm not lying, Yu, haven't had to for a long time. I don't know why. Gramps said we needed to lay low for a while so we did. We went to Asia – Mongolia, mostly, and a good chunk of northern China – ramped up my training out there on the grasslands. Gotta be a full-fledged Bookman soon."

"Were there any Akuma?"

"Some, yes. But we didn't fight them, just ran and hid like everyone else. I heard news about the Exorcists from time to time. Even saw Lenalee once. Her legs – she…still had them back then, her real legs, I mean. I nearly forgot how shapely they were…"

Lavi trailed off, staring into a spot on the bookshelf behind them. Unlike now, the unspoken words said. A year ago a level 4 Akuma had ripped the crystal Innocence cleanly from Lenalee's body, severing both of her legs in the process. Kanda could never forget the vile disgust he felt when the Innocence shattered as it hit the ground, only coagulated back into stalks of blood to reattach themselves back to the girl's missing half. The tendrils moved as if alive, swallowing up the Akuma as it expanded to cling onto Lenalee, who screamed until her voice broke and passed out from the pain.

Since then her Dark Boots essentially became her legs. Komui had made her a mechanical chair but she never used it, insisting on keeping the Innocence activated despite the toll it was taking on her body. She still smiled liked her old self, only breaking down when she was in Kanda's room in the dead of night. He was the only one she had confided to, said Allen or even Komui wouldn't understand since they had never permanently lost something so important. Not like Kanda did. Kanda wondered what she'd think now, since one of the things he had lost had come back. Something her legs could never do.

When Lavi spoke again his voice was so soft that Kanda had to strain to hear. "So much had happened since we were gone. I know there was bound to be changes but I never thought – if I had known this would happen I would've tried everything to convince Gramps to come back and help. I swear, Yu, I had no idea. I thought the Order was doing fine! Figured with the way the Noahs were panicking things were progressing well, that it was all under control. Then we came back and everyone was so relieved – not because of us but because there are so few of us and two more is that significant. And what you and Lenalee and everyone had gone through – I had no idea, Yu! You have to believe me!"

By the end he was half-shouting, his voice a broken plea echoing through the library floor. Kanda was tempted to pull out Mugen to keep the redhead from spiraling into hysterics, Lavi was clutching his head, fingers digging into his skull as his body curled tight on the cushioned seat, his Innocence hummed and rattled in its holster as his owner shook like a falling leaf.

Kanda put a hand on the redhead's trembling knees, trying to calm him. "I believe you," he said, and meant it. When Lavi tried to pull away he didn't let go, only hardened his grip. It seemed to work. After a minute of silent struggle Lavi sagged against the armrest, and let his hands fall to his sides.

When he looked up again he had on his old, transparent smile. "You really have changed, Yu. The old you would've hit me in the head with Mugen a dozen times by now."

Kanda promptly dropped his hand. "I can still do that." He retorted, relieved but at the same reached for Mugen. He slammed the cold metal into the space beside Lavi's head, although he kept it sheathed.

"Ah, I was wondering when I'd see this up close again. Got really pretty," Lavi glanced at the sword, which had evolved further since Kanda had first pulled it out of himself. "You kept it sharp for me?"

The voice was teasing and words grating but Kanda only felt desire rising in his chest. It was too much like their old routine, the way that Lavi seemed to be flirting. He leaned forward, free hand reaching to grab the long hair, to pull the redhead close and claim that kiss he had started back in Komui's office, uninterrupted this time.

But Lavi immediately backed away, sliding out of the seat like an eel and leaving Kanda alone on the chaise. "Well, look at the time, Yu. Gramps must be worried sick by now." He stretched and popped his back, deliberately ignoring Kanda's eyes following the curve of his spine. "I'll see you around, yeah? Maybe when I pass my medicals we can go on a mission together, General Kanda."

Lavi winked at him before turning and sauntering toward the exit. Kanda stared at the retreating figure, surprise quickly turning into anger. He stood up, unsheathed Mugen and with a full swing, chopped the offending chaise cleanly in two.