Finally got the second chapter up. Warning for mentions of suicide, self harm, self hatred, PTSD, and language. I don't own the Avengers.
"Colonel Rhodes, it seems that Sir is in distress," JARVIS said as Rhodey flipped the bacon.
"Oh, damn," Rhodey cursed as he handed the spatula to DUM-E. He went as fast as his braces would let him. He entered the room and sat down to his best friend. Tony was just sitting there, a statue. He was looking at nothing and everything at the same time. The eyes that stared into space looked broken, as if they were searching for a way out of the eternal abyss that was his mind. Rhodey searched for the light that was supposed to be in his best friends eyes, but with no avail.
"Tones, I don't know how to help you. I can't help you if I don't know what's wrong. Please talk to me," He looked at Tony with imploring eyes.
Tony finally found Rhodey's eyes and with a rough voice he said, "I thought you left."
That short sentence was enough for Rhodey to piece together the rest of the story. "You are not alone. I would never leave you, Tones. I've stayed with you all this time, I'm not going to leave. I promise, nothing can make me leave you."
Tony was searching his face for any trace of a lie. When he could detect none, he dived off of the bed and into Rhodey's arms.
It was as if he and Rhodey were back at MIT and Howard had just called him to inform Tony of bad news. He grabbed the shirt that now smelled like Rhodey. The larger man embraced him, as Tony broke. He just wanted to be done. But, there was a voice in Tony's head that was telling him that he had to keep going. It wasn't going to be perfect, but Tony would be damned if he didn't try. At least for the man who believed in him when everyone else didn't. He would try for Rhodey.
A few hours later, he woke up. It seemed that mental breakdowns took a lot out of a person. He sat up from his bed and had a moment of panic. Where was Rhodey? As cliche as it was, he had promised Tony that he wouldn't leave him.
"JARVIS, did Rhodey leave?" Tony's voice shook as he asked.
"It seems Colonel Rhodes is in the kitchen making dinner, Sir," Tony visibly relaxed. "He says to take a shower then come out and eat something. I have to say I agree with him as the the last time you ate was yesterday at lunch." Tony huffed in response and made his way to the bathroom.
He looked down at the bandages, then in resignation, he started unwrapping the bandages. He looked down at the angry wounds. They would definitely leave a scar. He got in the shower and cleaned himself the best he could, trying to keep his arms out of the water as much as he could.
He got out of the shower and gently dried his arms gently. He went over to the closet and grabbed a pair of sweatpants and a long sleeve black shirt. He put the pants on and went back over to the bathroom and set the shirt to the side. Now, he had to figure out how to get fresh bandages on.
After four unsuccessful tries, he gave up. Everytime he tried, they would either be too tight or too loose. It would seem that with his job, he would be able to figure out how to put some bandages on, but that was always Bruce's forte despite "not being that kind of doctor."
He walked out to the kitchen, first aid kit in one hand and his shirt thrown over his shoulder. Rhodey was sitting at the table eating chips straight out of the bag. He looked up at Tony as he walked in.
"Can you help me with this?" Tony said gesturing at his arms. He looked down as Rhodey looked down at his marred arms. Rhodey shouldn't have to do this. If Tony could just get his shit together, than Rhodey wouldn't have to deal with all his mistakes.
"Of course," he said simply. Tony walked over and dumped the first aid kit and his shirt on the table. Rhodey picked up the first aid kit and grabbed the gauze out. "Hold out your arm."
About halfway through the second arm JARVIS announced, "Ms. Potts is coming up in the elevator to speak to you, Sir."
Tony flinched, then winced as the bandage pulled on a particularly deep gash. "Oh, shit. JARVIS, slow down the elevator. What do I do?" Tony looked at his best friend in a panic.
"You know full well that she's going to figure it out anyway. You two may not be together anymore, but she still cares about your wellbeing. She's still your friend." Tony looked at him disbelievingly.
"I don't want her to see me like this," Tony said almost hysterically. Rhodey silenced him with a look.
"Alright, you're lucky I like you," He replied as he finished wrapping his other arm. The doors to the elevator opened as Tony threw on his shirt. She walked in the kitchen, her shoes clicking against the hardwood. She looked just the same as ever.
"Oh, Rhodey, I didn't know you were here. I thought you were supposed to be working?" Pepper asked.
Damn it. He made Rhodey take time off work. His thoughts continued to spiral out of control as Tony fiddled with the end of the sleeves.
"I needed a vacation. I've been so busy, I haven't been able to do anything except work," he lied smoothly. Pepper looked at him as she knew that he wasn't telling the whole truth, but she let it slide.
"Tony, I need you to sign some papers and there's a meeting with the board of directors on the seventeenth. Yes, you have to go. They want more updates on the new- Tony, are you even listening to me?" She scolded.
"Huh? Yeah, meetings," he waved his hand in an 'I get it' kind of way.
"Are you alright? You look pale. Are you sick?" She reached for his forehead, trying to check his temperature.
"I'm fine," Rhodey snorted at that and Tony glared at him.
"What's going on? I swear if you don't tell me the truth I will not hesitate to make you go to every single meeting next month," She warned.
"Nothing is wrong. Everything's fine. Just peachy." Both Rhodey and Pepper glared at him now. "It's not your problem anyway. Just leave me be, Pepper. I'll have DUM-E give you the papers later and go to the meeting on the seventh-"
"It's the seventeenth and despite the fact that we are no longer together, I am still your friend, tell me what's wrong." Rhodey gave him a look that said 'told you.'
"I'm not saying anything," Tony said, messing with his sleeves again.
"Honestly, you are so stubborn. You're acting like a child. How many times do I have to say it? I am still your friend. Just tell me," Pepper snapped. "Rhodey, help me out here."
"If Tony doesn't want to tell you, he doesn't have to. But I do believe that you should know," He answered giving Tony a look.
Tony really didn't want Pepper to know, but the logical part of his brain was telling him that she would find out eventually and it would be better if she found out from him, than from someone else. No offence to JARVIS, but he was a snitch.
"Fine." He scowled at the two, "Last night I took a scalpel to my wrists. Happy?" He said this as if he were talking about the weather. He moved away to the fridge, trying to avoid the worried looks that were inevitable.
"Oh, Tony," Pepper breathed, "Why?"
Tony looked at Rhodey, hoping to get some help. "Don't look at me like that. Remember, I don't even know all the reasons."
Looks like he was on his own then. He then opened the fridge, neglecting to answer the question. He overlooked the dinner that Rhodey had made as he grabbed the turkey and some toppings. He then grabbed the bread, doing everything he could to shield himself from the worried glances. He'd already had one mental breakdown today, he didn't need another one. As he started to make his sandwich, Pepper walked over and did the only thing that she could.
Wrapped in her hug, he closed his eyes. It was as if nothing had happened. They were still together, the Avengers were still a team and none of this shit had ever happened. But, then he opened his eyes and the fantasy was just that. A fantasy.
"Why?" She asked again. He pulled away from her and continued to fiddle with his sleeve, as he had been doing all morning. He didn't answer her. It was too complicated. How could he tell her and Rhodey that it was as if he had done everything he had been put here to do? That there was no more that he could give to the world?
"Talk to me, please," Pepper was almost begging now. Since when did she care so much? She shouldn't have to care about him. He was an ass, she had said so herself. Just about everyone else also thought the same thing. He looked down again, avoiding her eyes.
"I can't Pep. I just can't," his voice was broken and rough, barely above a whisper. The slight glint in his eyes seemed to shatter as he uttered the words.
"What does that even mean? You haven't said a word since I came in and the only thing you say to me is that you can't? I'm trying to help you, can't you see that? I want the best for you. But you're so damn stubborn-," She stopped her soft rant to take a breath.
"Is that why you left?" He looked into her eyes, really looked, for the first time since she left him. It was only about two months ago, but to him it seemed like years. All it took was two measly little months for him to break. For him to totally lose it.
Rhodey stood up from the table. "C'mon, I'm not going to see you destroy yourself."
Tony scoffed, "But I already have. Don't you see?" Pepper stepped forward as if she was going to give him another hug but Tony crossed his arms defiantly.
"I obviously can't help you right now. I'm sorry. If you need help, either one of you, just ask," And with that, Pepper walked over to the elevator, her shoes clicking the entire way.
"What the hell was that?" Rhodey asked. Tony raised an eyebrow in response. "Oh, don't do that. I know what you're trying to do and it's not going to work. I already told you I'm staying with you no matter what happens."
"And what do you think I'm doing?" Tony moved back to his sandwich, although having no appetite whatsoever, it was a good distraction.
"You're protecting yourself in the only way you know how," Rhodey said, "I'm not going to let you push everyone away. I can't sit here and see you destroy yourself. You've barely said two words that actually explain anything. You almost killed yourself, Tones."
Tony didn't see how he could make it better. He was a mechanic, he was supposed to fix things. But on the other hand, he was always absolute shit with emotions. What was he supposed to say? That he did it because he was an absolute fuck-up of a human?
"I'm sorry." Was that the best thing he could come up with?
"Just tell me one thing, were you actually trying to kill yourself or something else?" Rhodey sounded hesitant.
Tony took a deep breath. Looking at the tabletop, he put his head down and slid onto one of the benches. "I started self harming a few years before MIT. I must've been about thirteen, I think. I finally stopped when I was about seventeen, a little before I graduated. I kept it a secret from everybody of course. If the press caught wind, well you know what would happen. I had a few relapses here and there. I've tried to commit three times. Twice before college, once in college." His voice was muffled, but he knew Rhodey could hear every word.
This was a lot harder than he had thought it would be. Not that he thought it would be easy. It was bringing up bad memories. The sooner this was over, the better. He forged on, "I wasn't trying to kill myself yesterday. I just went too deep."
"Is that supposed to make it better? I still don't know why you did it. I have some suspicions, but I don't actually know. Please, let me help you," Rhodey said weakly.
"Just everything. I just wanted everything to stop for a minute." Tony mumbled. He ran a hand through his hair, a slight twinge from his forearm reminded him even more of the incident that happened last night.
He ignored the pressure behind his eyes. He would not cry again. He had already done enough of that to last him the entire year. He was supposed to be a hero, and yet here he was. His brain screamed 'weak' over and over again to him.
"Oh, Tones. You can get through this. I'll be here for you, 'till the end," He could feel Rhodey's eyes on him. He looked up for the first time since Pepper left. Rhodey had been crying. He shouldn't be crying over him. Ugh, he just wanted to slam his head against the cold marble counter and stop talking about feelings.
Rhodey moved to the other side of the table, "I'm going to call a therapist." Tony looked at him in disgust. He was having a hard enough time talking about his feelings to his best friend, how did he think talking to a stranger was going to help?
"Oh, don't look at me like that. I may be your best friend, but I can't help you completely. I can try, but I can't be here all the time," Guilt flashed through Tony at these words. Who was he to make Rhodey drop everything for him? "I will help you as much as I can, but you need more than I can give you. So, I'm going to call Dr. Adams, She's really nice and knows how to deal with superheros."
Tony lifted an eyebrow, "And how do you know this?"
"She works for SHIELD, so she won't spill anything to the press. Also, she worked with Barton after the whole Loki thing." Tony grimaced at the mention of his former teammate. He had half of a mind to say no because her affiliation with Barton, but he knew that would get him nowhere.
"Fine, I'll try it. But, if it doesn't work-" Tony was cut off by Rhodey.
"Then we'll try someone else. Then if that doesn't work out we'll find someone else and so on. Tony, you will find a therapist, okay?" Tony didn't answer, but the fact that he didn't voice any complaints was answer enough for Rhodey. "Now, we are going to sit down and watch a movie."
A few months later, Tony was getting better. Pepper and his relationship was getting better. Vision had come back. Even Peter Parker had started coming around the compound and doing various superhero and science things. After the Vulture incident, it seemed that ignoring Peter was not helping either of them.
The wounds he had inflicted on himself had now faded into scars. Rhodey was still by his side, and it seemed that he would never leave. It seemed that he would always have someone to lean on when he needed it. It felt as if Tony would never be truly alone.
