Twin BWL

He wasn't sure what he had expected when he stepped through the veil, but while the train station he'd seen last time was one of his guesses, this…

Harry watched a familiar scene play out in front of his eye and then… it did it again. He instinctively knew something was causing it to repeat endlessly, like a broken record and he could see the weight of guilt on Dumbledore's soul. Harry sighed. Truthfully, he didn't really blame Dumbledore nearly as much as Dumbledore blamed himself. Still to remove the weight from Dumbledore's soul…

Harry stepped forward to play his part again...

"Damn you are one ugly baby," Harry muttered as he quickly removed his robe so he'd have something to wrap the child in.

"You needn't concern yourself with it," Dumbledore began only for Harry to interrupt him.

"You are the last person I would ever accept advice from on how to deal with a child," Harry said firmly, apparently unsurprised at Dumbledore's appearance, as he picked up the child.

"Pardon?" Dumbledore asked confused by Harry's attitude.

"You manipulated my whole life from beginning to end to ensure I would commit suicide by Voldemort, but that's just one of your many crimes."

"A sacrifice was needed to save our world," Dumbledore tried to excuse himself.

"I don't doubt you had the very best of intentions," Harry said, heavily emphasizing the last word. "But your actions are what caused all of this in the first place. You decided to coddle evil rather than punish it."

"Everyone deserves a second chance," the old wizard said.

'Not when the cost of that second chance is another's only chance. I cannot tell you the number of people that died, but I can tell you how many Slytherins you persuaded to follow the light by your treatment of them; zero."

"Draco, -" Dumbledore began.

"-Didn't have the balls to kill someone himself but was more than happy to let a band of killers into the school to kill others that he felt were beneath him."

A black and silver train pulled into the station and Harry headed towards it carrying the baby.

"Harry, wait! You can still go back!"

"Back to a world created by your machinations where good is punished and evil rewarded? I don't think so, besides I rather like having a brain unclouded by potions and malnutrition."

"How did you know…" Dumbledore trailed off.

"What you did?" Harry smirked. "The Master of Death isn't just a fancy title and all your manipulations were for nothing, because as soon as I took the stone in my hand I was the Master of all three. I immediately knew all about the circumstances leading to my death and the reasons behind them."

"You need to go back, my plan-"

"I've gone through more than enough crap for several lifetimes and I have no intention of saving the world you've created with your hubris."

"Hubris?" Dumbledore sputtered, though whether he was more surprised by Harry's refusal or a teenage boy actually using the word correctly was up for debate.

'Maybe making him live the life he put me through would teach him a few things,' Harry thought, beginning to grin evilly.

"Albus 'more middle names than you can shake a stick at' Dumbledore, you are sentenced to live the life you planned for me from beginning to end, never remembering your own life until it is time for your next great adventure. May you learn much from it," Harry commanded and with a wave of his hand, Dumbledore vanished.

"And now…"

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Harry looked warily around. 'Maybe coming back as a baby wasn't such a hot idea, cause this is going to get boring real quick!' Harry thought to himself.

Suddenly a red blur reached into the room and started painting runes in her own blood on them and covering it with glamours while things downstairs got loud.

'Oh yeah, I requested siblings in this lifetime.'

The door to the nursery exploded inward and Voldemort strode in, still looking fully human. The scene replayed much as it had happened originally, but Voldemort only stunned Lily, since he had promised Severus he would not harm her, before turning to the crib and regarding the two toddlers. Harry sat there quietly while his twin cried loudly.

"Well that make the choice of who to kill first easy," Voldemort muttered before tossing an Avada Kedavra straight at the crying child while saying "Peek-A-Boo".

Harry was rather impressed that Voldemort could speak while casting a spell wordlessly, but he still laughed when the spell rebounded off his brother's forehead and blasted Voldy into a bodiless spirit. "Got your nose," Harry said in a childish voice that no one was awake to hear.

Harry found himself dozing off a moment later only waking long enough to hear Dumbledore declare his brother the Boy-Who-Lived. 'Better him than me,' Harry thought to himself before dozing off once more. A single day of being bored out of his mind was all it took before Harry decided to lock all his memories away until he was older for the sake of his sanity, because being a baby sucked!

Almost a decade passed before Harry 'awoke' again.

Finding himself dressed in a tiny brown robe cleaning an old unused room while glamoured to look like a house elf, he knew something had gone wrong. A quick examination of his memories of the last decade made him groan. 'Damn Dursleys, even being completely shut of them hadn't stopped them from screwing up my childhood.'

With his twin being the 'Boy-Who-Lived' Harry had spent the majority of his time in the care of house elves, add to that the Dursley's training on how to behave seeping in to his subconscious and you have a small child who spends his time 'playing' house elf. Harry just sort of faded into the background wherever possible and had gotten good enough at wandless cleaning and repairing charms that he'd made Maddy and Flomen, the house elves who had raised him, very proud and his cooking skills had become world class! Harry found that being raised by a pair of lesbian house elves left him a lot healthier and happier than he'd ever been at the Dursleys .

Sure his plan to sleep away the time before Hogwarts and gain a normal childhood hadn't worked out remotely as planned, but it still beat the hell out of what Dumbledore had provided the first time around. Harry finished cleaning the room before summoning Maddy and Flomen. Dropping the glamour on himself he turned to the two. "It's almost time to start Hogwarts so I'll need to start getting ready."

Two pairs of large green eyes teared up but he quickly gathered them into a hug. "You've been great parents, the best I could ever hope for, but I need to learn what they can teach me. I promise I'll visit."

"Youse better or Flomen will tan youse hide," the little green elf promised, wiping her eyes.

"Maddy don't want her Harry to leave even though Maddy knows is for best. Hogwarts elves have lots to teach," the plumper of the two said.

Harry blinked at that. "They do?"

Large floppy ears flapped wildly as his elf mothers started talking over each other about classes they'd taken and things they'd learned there.

"I can learn how to pop?!" Harry asked excitedly.

Maddy nodded. "All third years learn after intro class done and basic complete."

"I'm going to be busy," Harry chuckled. "Because I'm also taking the wizarding courses."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Harry wasn't quite sure what to call Lily. She hadn't exactly raised him though she did give birth to him so calling her Mrs. Potter was a bit too formal, but Mum didn't exactly fit. He supposed he'd have to call Lily like he did in his head. Walking up to the breakfast table, Harry gave a small wave to get Lily's attention. "I need to go to Diagon Alley to get my school supplies."

"Ummm," John began nervously as everyone seemed too shocked to respond. "Squibs don't go to Hogwarts."

Harry snapped his fingers and John was suddenly spitting out soap.

"Oops, accidental magic," Harry said blandly.

"You didn't get a letter," James said stunned.

"Magical twins can fool the locator quill into thinking there is only one magical child. Tell them to consult the book because according to Hogwarts a History, Helga was much more meticulous about the spellwork on that than Godric was on the locator quill. Godric designed the quill to read and locate magical signatures without thinking of possible overlap. He was always straightforward when he should have tried subtlety like his curse on the Headmaster's position," Harry explained. "Regardless, I need the key to my trust vault so I can buy school supplies."

"Trust vault?" James asked with a sinking feeling.

"All Potters are to be issued a trust vault at age five with an initial deposit of ten thousand galleons, and an automatic deposit of one hundred a month from then on, to provide for their care and if need be education, which is normally paid for from the main vault," Harry explained. "It's the duty of the head of the House of Potter, according to great-grandfather's journal."

"I forgot to have a key made for your trust vault," James said. "Why don't you finish breakfast while I go get it?"

"Sure," Harry said agreeably taking James' seat while he quickly apparated out.

"So you're the horribly deformed squib that eats bad little girls who go into their big brother's rooms?" a little red haired girl asked wide eyed.

John groaned and Lily snapped out, "Lisa!"

"Apparently," Harry said agreeably. "Then again, I could just be your older brother who you never met because I was given to the elves and forgotten about."

"So what was that about a curse on the Headmaster's position?" Lily asked suddenly trying to change the subject while she figured out what had happened to make her forget her child.

Harry took the change of subject in stride. They were his family even if they had become a bit corrupted by fame. "Godric was a really straight forward guy," he explained. "So to guard against a headmaster using the school as a political tool to discriminate against muggleborn, he laid a curse on the position that would only affect headmasters who refused entry to children who had the magic and money to attend. It was meant to protect muggleborn, but Godric was too straightforward and never thought of a Headmaster turning away halfbloods and purebloods so it protects all three by default. I think that actually works better as a deterrent from political manipulations using children as tools, so it's possible Godric did think of that, probably after talking to Salazar or Helga."

"Wasn't Salazar a bad guy?" Lisa asked.

"Nah, he built the school with Rowena, Helga and Godric. They'd hardly have allowed him to join if he was evil, but his second son went bad and became a Dark Lord. Salazar tried to stop him and died, so Godric had to fight him. All that everyone remembers is that Slytherin fought Godric and lost, so Godric's best friend gets mixed up with his evil son."

"He hated muggleborn," John said.

"Nope, but after muggles raped and killed his daughter he hated muggles. He never had a problem with muggleborn."

"Where are you getting all this information from?" Lily asked.

"Potter family journals. We're an old family, though the best journals are hidden and you have to find them yourself. Apparently we're quirky as well as old."

James apparated in with a crack and handed Harry a key. "Here you go, sorry it took so long, there was a bit of a line."

"No problem," Harry said agreeably. "Remind Hogwarts to send me a letter, I'm off to collect my supplies now."

As Harry flued away, the Potters quickly questioned each other on how they could have possibly forgotten about Harry for so long and why they'd thought he was a squib. Harry almost hurt himself laughing now that he didn't have to keep a straight face. He was sure the Headmaster's curse would make sure he got to go to Hogwarts and the 'Head Potters' duty would ensure he was never broke. 'It's scary how gullible magic people are,' he thought to himself as he left.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Harry waited in line patiently till he got to the front. "I need to make a withdrawal and I want a better interest rate on my vault."

"One percent interest is standard," the goblin said firmly.

"I want eight!" Harry demanded growling.

"Hah! I wouldn't give Merlin himself better than two!" the goblin retorted.

Harry climbed up on top of the counter and launched himself at the goblin, slamming them both to the ground. "Six!" Harry demanded.

"You'll take three and like it!" the goblin countered smashing Harry against the wall.

"Four!" Harry yelled, head-butting the goblin before sinking his teeth into one of its ears.

Goblins gathered round behind the counter, jockeying for position and passing galleons back and forth as the two argued terms and fought one another while the humans waited in line. Normally the goblin would have won easily, but Harry had drunk Re'ems blood before coming in just in preparation for this fight. It took another half hour before they'd settled terms and it had cost them both a fair amount of hair and teeth, as well as an ear apiece.

"I think this is your ear," Crackarse said, holding up a small pink ear. "But it's so small you might as well grow another as reattach it."

"Humans don't grow new ears," Harry replied holding up a greenish ear that was twice as large.

"Really?" Crackarse asked. "Makes me feel a bit bad for biting it off then."

"Meh," Harry waved it off and held the goblin's ear to the side of his head for a moment until he could feel his magic responding to it like it was his own. "Keep it, I'll just use the one I bit off you."

The goblin laughed as Harry practiced wiggling his new ear. "For a human, you're alright. Most of the humans are too stuffy to haggle and throw a fit when they lose a body part."

"As far as I can tell most humans are idiots who'll follow anyone who tells them they're better than someone else."

"Racial insecurity," Crackarse said, shaking his head. "A shame."

"If it wasn't for the fact that so many of them are obviously inferior I'd agree. If I cared about my species as a whole I'd organize a cull, starting with the most inbred who have nothing to contribute."

"That's a most goblinlike attitude, sure you aren't part goblin?"

Harry wiggled his goblin ear at the teller and grinned.

"John Potter?!" a teenage girl squealed from the other side of the counter. "Could I have your autograph?"

"I'm Harry Potter," he said, moving his hair aside to show his blemish free forehead.

"Oh," the girl said disappointed. "The twin squib. I don't suppose you could tell me about your brother and maybe give him a note from me?"

"It's time like this I really wish I could just stab people who ask me about my brother," Harry said thoughtfully causing the girl to pale and step away from the counter.

"All you have to do is put an ad in the paper the day before you start, and run it for a period of two weeks," Crackarse said. "That's considered fair warning for stabbing people with a fork. Once you have a receipt you can get a license for it at the Ministry."

"Does the Quibbler count?"

"The Prophet has a better circulation."

"Yeah, so I wouldn't get to stab as many people."

The goblin laughed. "You may only be part goblin, but you certainly have a goblin sized pair."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Hello Mr. Lovegood, I'm here to molest your daughter… erm sorry, slip of the tongue… I mean I'm here to place an ad."

Mr. Lovegood examined Harry carefully. "It's not an ad about your intentions of molesting my daughter is it?"

"No, it's to stab people with a fork who ask me about my brother," Harry replied.

Mr. Lovegood relaxed a bit until Harry asked, "Just out of curiosity what are the laws about putting an ad in the paper to molest your daughter?" If it hadn't been for the potions Dumbledore had slipped in his food he was pretty sure he'd have ended up with Luna.

Harry found himself being turned around by an older blond woman who bore a striking resemblance to Luna. Examining him carefully, even going so far as to check his teeth. "You'll do," she said. "Luna you have a suitor," she called out.

"Oh goody!" Luna came out of the back room. "Harry Potter?"

"How'd you know it was me?" Harry asked surprised.

"You're wearing a shirt that says 'I'm Harry Potter, ask me about my brother and I'll stab you with a fork."

Harry blushed. "Forgot about that."

"He blushes cutely," Luna said, examining him carefully. "And he's good teeth. Also his ears are pointed and just a little greenish (Harry's minor metamorphagus ability had done its best to make Harry's ears match) and I like that. I'll take him!"

"Do I need to put up an ad so I can stab people who insult of bully Luna with a fork as well?" Harry asked.

"You're legally entitled to challenge them to a duel, for insulting or assaulting your intended, and after you challenge them and get their agreement to the duel, you may stab to your heart's content."

"Wonderful!" Harry beamed.

"You really should wear my favor on your arm, but I don't have any garter belts and I've never been one for scarves," Luna said thoughtfully.

"How about a radish earing?"

"It's hard to find nice shapely radishes" Luna pouted. "I've had to order seeds from America so I can grow some pretty ones. For some strange reason people grow them based on taste and size rather than looks, almost as if they were food rather than decorations."

"People can be strange that way," Harry agreed. "But what I was thinking was having one made out of silver, hollow with a bell inside so it'd ring when I moved my head."

"That does sound nice," Mrs. Lovegood admitted.

"In fact, why don't I take Luna with me tomorrow and I'll get her a pair made while we get our stuff for school?"

"It's a bit early for that," Mrs. Lovegood said. "Luna doesn't start school until next year."

"So she'll start early," Harry waved it off. "As long as we show up with everything we need and the money to pay for the year, we'll be fine."

"You have an in with Dumbledore because your brother is the Boy-Who-Lived?" Mr. Lovegood asked.

Harry pulled out a fork, but Luna quickly hugged him keeping him from stabbing her father. "I know it's tempting to stab daddy but-"

"I shouldn't stab my lady's father?" Harry asked.

"Not until tomorrow when it's legal," Luna said, making Harry smile.

"That and this question really is about Dumbledore," Mr. Lovegood pointed out.

"Oh, sorry for jumping the gun there but I fully intend to stab anyone who asks a question that has my brother mentioned even tangentially."

"Let me rephrase it then," Mr. Lovegood offered. "Do you have an in with the Headmaster?"

"Nope, but Godric cursed the position so that no Headmaster could intentionally turn away a student who was magical enough to attend and had the money to pay for it without the curse falling on him. He was best friends with Salazar at the time, so we really don't know what it could possibly do."

"How did you find out about it?"

Harry grinned. "The Potters are an old family and one prone to writing journals. Of course, they are also prone to making you prove yourself if you want to read them, so you have to find them yourself."

Mr. Lovegood wrote down everything Harry said. "This will make for a wonderful article, I'm sure I can find records of students who were turned away and bad things happening to headmasters with little effort and have it ready for this evening's edition."

"Write me a receipt for my ad first, I want to get my license to stab for shopping with Luna tomorrow."

Harry paused. He had been dosed with love potion, but Ginny hadn't really been responsible being certifiable. "I'll welcome any friend you choose to bring."

"Tomorrow at eight?"

"Perfect, see you then," Harry said, giving Luna a kiss on the check before collecting his receipt.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Is this the office of obscure licenses?" Harry asked, waking an old wizard whose beard was even longer than Dumbledore's and was covered in dust.

The man sprang up and then spent a minute coughing from inhaling the cloud of dust he'd raised, before reaching out and calling a staff to hand that he used to clean himself off with a simple wave.

"This is the office of obscure licenses, how did you find it?"

"Goblins," Harry replied.

"OK, yes, they're immune to the obscurement spell on this office, but they haven't favored a human enough to tell one about it in eighty years."

"I bit the ear off of one during contract negotiations."

"Yeah, that'd do it. So what do you need?"

"I need a license to stab people with forks and any other interesting ones you'd suggest, so you can back to sleeping and I don't have to come here ever again."

The old man looked at a sundial on the wall that was casting a shadow, despite there being no sun and it being in the wrong position.

Looking closely he could see the shadow was almost to a line reading Second Rise of Vol… when the old man waved his staff and the sundial vanished.

"Let's get you kitted out," the man said hitting the butt of his staff against the ground and causing a wallet to appear on the counter. "Here's everything, get out."

"Thanks…" Harry said slowly while opening the wallet and finding it filled with licenses. Nodding he backed out the office door and just before the door vanished he heard the old man mumble, "Not as comfortable as sleeping inside an oak, and more visitors. Damn loggers…"

Harry decided not to think too much about it. In fact he was all in favor of going home, getting a good night sleep and pretending it was all a dream. Mind made up, Harry called for Maddy who popped him home. "I can't wait for tomorrow!"

Typing by: Last Primarch!

AN: Last chapter wasn't specifically written for this story. It's several different ideas I tried out and then realized what I actually wanted to write, so it doesn't fit perfectly. In fact, I think half of it I wrote with Preconceptions in mind. Fortunately I was able to file off at least some of the serial numbers and hammer it in place, by the simple process of screwing with time like a back dated check! Enjoy!

Review and remember to thank my Typist, it distracts them from their many, many escape attempts!