Hello darlings! I know I should be updating Kissed but this... well it needed to get out :) I've been keeping this on hold for a while, feeling it was missing something but I think I found the gold line now :) So, I know there's almost nobody who reads this but the fews who does, please comment! I will be really happy if something come back to me on this chapter, it was awful to write for me. I had to dig on some past pains and well... it's never easy. But there you have it, I would love to keep this going till Malec comes back together... it should be 4-5 chapters from now, not sure. But I don't want to write it only for me (if not I just won't post it) so yeah... please review :)
Ps: the previous chapter 2 with Simon will come back later on in the story, it was too early before so sorry if you loved this chapter, it will be back soon!
Disclaimer : don't own TMI nor the characters.
Chapter 2 : Dust and Shadows
He stares at his hands, covered in blood and dust, moonlight reflecting on them through the stain-glassed windows. He can't feel nothing, his mind is blank and when he looks down at the crumpled body, he feels cheated. Cheated of his revenge, cheated of his anger. He doesn't know where the young vampire left... he just know she did. She told him she killed Camille, and when he had came closer to her, in a strange need to fulfill his desire for killing, she squealed and ran off, denying him his relief.
Magnus left him.
The thought keep revolving around his mind, obsessing and menacing, although he can't seem to grasp the meaning. Surely he's dreaming. This can't be. He loves him. Why would he leave him?
Memories flood back at him, his mind a complete harlot meant to destroy him, attacking him from every sides with all of what he did wrong... all that he knew he shouldn't have done.
His heart is a wreck, a child, whimpering his denial... They were perfect, they had everything, he was the one for him, they never should have parted... it's impossible. He'll come back. He knows that they're meant for each other...
The fight keeps on endlessly and Alec doesn't know how long he stays there looking at the pool of blood and the few remnants of his enemy's body. The one who got from Magnus what he always wanted... the possibility of never leaving him, of having him forever. And she had never wanted it. How ironic.
When he feels some warmth from the sun, his fixed glare unfocused and he find himself walking... to where? He doesn't know. He walks randomly in the streets, still empty, still numb of feelings, his heart and mind battling with him, warily watching it from afar.
He finds himself on the doorstep of the Institute, walking up, silenced by the raging fight inside him but he's not overwhelmed, not yet. He can't feel anymore. He's dead.
He pass by his sister who speaks to him, he thinks... but he won't hear her and let her shout at him while he restlessly make his way to his room... His room. It's not anymore. He wants a yellow comforter and caramel skin's arms to hug him to sleep, to make him feel safe and loved again...
His chest start expending and contracting at the same time. It pulls and tears inside of him. His need is wallowing, buzzed by the overwhelming pain that's getting to him. His heart is winning the fight slowly.
Alec open the door to his room in a rush. Suffocating, his knees buckling under him and he fall... to the floor and in his mind. Swallowed by the abyss, the pain, the hurt, the loss... nothing makes senses anymore and his body is raked violently, raped by the excruciating lack of Magnus's presence. His fingers claws at his chest and throat, struggled by the sobs and whines he haven't felt invading him. His vision blur and he feel like he's drowning. Moans and screams claim him and he can only bite down his fist brutally to keep them inside.
He doesn't want to share his pain, doesn't want Izzy or Jace to see his life leaking out of him. That's his to bear, his only left reminiscence of Magnus. If he's in pain, that means he existed, that means he loved him, that means he had something, that means he was there... that means he hadn't dreamt what he felt for him, still feels. It was true. At least for him.
Alec let the emotions rake through him, unfolding him, blinding him, killing him.. gratefully. Because he never want to live that again. He never want anybody else. If the pain is all that's left then he'll take it. If he can keep the pain, he can still hold on to... Magnus, to them.
He founds himself in a dark alleyway, his blank mind obliterated by the pain. He doesn't want to let go of it. But it does... slowly the numbness comes back to him, his coping mechanism trying to swallow the memories, the pain and Magnus's presence. It want him to forget. But Alec doesn't want to forget. So he needs the pain. He's becoming reckless, wandering every night in dark corners where demons just wait to lurk and snap you out of your life.
And Alec enjoys it. He fight for his life and it's all that matters. The edge on which he walks, keeping him feeling, keeping him alive so he can hold on to some hope, so he won't forget. As his body flow through the usual motions, the ones he learned for almost 10 years of his life, fighting the demon that's trying to kill him, he rejoice in the stretch and pull of his muscles. When the seraph blade find its goal as he flip over the damned beast, lunging the blade deeply in the creature's chest, Alec close his eyes, the ichor spurting and covering his face and arms. As the demon dissipates, like dust and shadows, his high run low and he's back to the numbness again. His whole body ache, struggling from the excesses he never suffered, used to the bow and arrows.
Alec start to hyperventilate, feeling empty again. He cannot allow that. He has to keep himself distracted so he can still believe Magnus will come back.
Unaware of his goal, he starts to run. Running away from his own twisted mind who wants to capture him, tell him that it's over, that he screwed it all. Who wants to make him forget, who wants to erase the pain and leave him numb.
Alec legs cry in pain, but they're flying nonetheless, escaping the inevitable. He runs and runs, his face a mask of terrorized fury. He won't let it go away, he won't give up, he promise himself. Nothing else matters. Just Magnus.
He ends up in front of his doorstep, looking up to the flat... and looking at the beautiful yellow light pouring out of his lover's windows. He'll come back. He know he will. They were special. He wasn't trivial. Magnus told him himself. He has to believe... The trust that he used to lack of so much now flaring vividly in his chest. He doesn't want to be proven right. He has to trust Magnus. Believe in them.
His fingers finds his phone again, as it has been every time he doubts for the past three days, and he dial down the loved familiar number. He brings the phone to his ear and let it ring... again, and again, and again. When the line goes to the answering machine, he hangs up and dial again. He won't give up. Nothing else matters... He'll pick up, one day, he'll pick up.
The water is running down his body, washing away the blood of another mindless hunt night, by himself. He can barely remember his family by now. They pass and walk around him as annoying flies, trying to know, trying to peel off his pain, his hopes but he won't let them. He need to keep it so he can fight the horrid truth...
Alec gasp, his hands fisting on the cold tiles, nails digging in the palms of his hands, no... no... not yet. He still want to believe. It's not over. Not yet... STOP!
But it's too late. The pain breaks free and sobs shakes him from head to toe and the harlot is back, telling him it's over... that he did everything he could do to ruin it. That it's time to face reality... Magnus will never come back. He did that. Alec's ears are filled with an awful wailing scream, full of hurt and rage and it takes him a moment to realize it comes from him. Anger fills him, he doesn't want to give up, doesn't want to let go and most definitely, doesn't want to see the truth. He just want the pain inside his chest and the mindless kill, the hope that Magnus will come back... But it's too late, it's gone now. He held on to it for five days and now it poured out of him.
His fists smash the tiles without mercy, again and again, trying to keep the pain, and soon enough the running water is tainted red, unwilling witness of the boy's struggles. Alec doesn't feel the water running cool nor when it is shut down. He doesn't feel the strong arms of his parabatai around his back, doesn't feel when Jace enfold him in a warm towel, when he takes his hands and draw an iratze on them, screaming at Alec to let him know what's wrong. He's numb. He knows now. Whatever he do, Magnus won't come back.
The reality hits him like a ton of brick, as if the sky fell on him. He suffocates, his breath gone, and all he can do is curl around himself in a ball while the awful truth drown him and empty him. His fingers are digging in Jace's forearm but his brother is quiet now, he just take his pain and let it wash over them both. Alec doesn't need to speak now, his parabatai understood and he lets him cry, unashamed by the weakness of his friend.
When Jace puts him to bed, leaving him empty of all energy, Alec is taken away by his cravings. Now that he know nothing will ever be the same again, that his pain will be all that's left, he needs to be comforted... and of course, only one person can comfort him. As stupid as it is, he can't stop himself. He wants Magnus to comfort him in the loss of... Magnus.
Unable to contain himself, he grabs his phone again and call. But this time, when the voice mail bip, he leave a message, one of many to come, he pour his heart out... as he should have done before, as he should have speaks to Magnus before instead of listening to his pride and fears. Instead of listening to... Camille.
He talks and talk and talk and soon, he just finish on those words, before the voice mail gets full :
- "Aku cinta kamu... I love you. I will always love you Magnus. Even if you don't come back, I won't give up. As you said, it doesn't change anything... I'll always wait, no matters what."
Alec hangs up. He feel empty but also... strangely free. He will wait. Because his life now, without the beautiful warlock, is nothing but... dust and shadows.
He will wait for his light.
So there you go, it's a little short compared to what I do usually but as it was really intense, I think you'll forgive me. Sorry if some are in an emotional wreck right now, I do understand it's harsh but it needed to be there... thanks to all who read this :)
