The Alternate Endings of Haruhi Suzumiya

A/N: Heya!!!! Sorry the last chapter was short. I'll try and make this one just a bit longer. 3

I'll do my best this time!!!

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Koizumi and his tale of woes

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His confession

"Koizumi...is there something you want to tell me?" Kyon asked, watching Itsuki Koizumi from the table. He grinned akwardly.

--OUTSIDE--

Kyon sat down next to Koizumi, feeling rather suspicious of the guys fetish for sitting with his legs together, or crossed, rather, in a very feminine fashion. He gave one of his 'Smiles are free' grins and cleared his throat.

"Yes, well, you've probably figured it out. I'm gay."

Kyon stared at him as though he were retarded and looked away.

"I was talking about the fact that you were an ESPer," he said, moving away.

"Oh, yeah, that too," Koizumi added, smiling calmly, as though it were completely natural.

Kyon edged away as Koizumi moved closer.

His screams were heard miles away as Itsuki Koizumi lunged in for the kill.

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The Car Journey

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Kyon walked towards his house, wondering why Haruhi Suzumiya had recently brought up the topic that his existance was as important as a common house fly's, and that she felt that it was much better to be a stupid, perverted freak than to blend in and be, oh, I don't know, NORMAL.

Just then, a familiar toffee-haired boy walked up to him, brandishing an evil and twisted smile, one so dark it made Kyon feel like he was falling into a pit of oblivion, yet blinded at the same time by his raidient white bleached teeth. He felt his eyes fizzle up and shudder.

"Koizumi, are you stalking me?! Seriously, I thought that after the police gave you a restraining order earlier you were forbidden to see me." Koizumi ignored this.

"It's a lovely evening, isn't it? You want to go somewhere?"

"Oh god, you're not asking me out on a date, are you? Ugh, I've already been dragged to the bowling alley with Kunikida during middle school, so I'm not prepared to go out again alone with a boy."

"I was planning to show you something spectacular," Koizumi went on, ignoring him once again. Kyon gagged.

"I think before the police were called out I saw quite enough of you, you shameless trout!"

"I mean my ESP," Koizumi explained.

"...Oh." Kyon calmed down a bit. Then he asked, "What about your ESP?"

"OK, I can see into your mind. And that was just an expression by the way! I know you think that my so-called esper powers and the whole, Haruhi-Suzumiya-Is-God theory are a load of bull. But it's all true."

"How can you see into my mind?"

"I said it was an expression. My powers didn't come with that advantage."

"What, can you buy it off of EBay?" Kyon said scornfully. The toffee-haired esper-boy laughed and flicked a strand of hair back like he was a Junior High school girl.

"Well, I fight monsters. And I want you to film me." Kyon looked at him like he was sick.

"What the HELL?! YOU WANT ME TO FILM YOU FIGHTING MONSTERS?! NO WAY! YOU NEED TO GO BACK TO THE POLICE OFFICE!" Koizumi grabbed his hand and pulled him into the car.

"Arakawa, go go go! I have the victim ready!" Koizumi yelled to the grey-haired driver in the front seat with the squinty eyes and the wrinkles like hell.

"You're seriously not paying me enough for this, Itsuki," the old man grumbled, in a voice so hard to make out no one could understand him anyway.

"Mr Arakawa, sir, you must do something about those nasel problems, no one can hear what you're saying," Itsuki told him, smiling away, giving Kyon a noogie while handcuffing him to the headrest.

"Let go of me, you animals!!" Kyon yelled, thrashing desperately to try and knock Koizumi unconcious so that he could figure out a way of escape.

"No can do, you're our victim. We're going to go and battle monsters and you better film us, otherwise you know what happened earlier? It'll happen again."

Kyon's eyes widened in shock and fear, recieving flashbacks of that afternoon when Koizumi had...erm, showed his true self in a different, naughtier light.

"YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO ME!!" Kyon screamed. "I'LL...I'LL SUE YOU!!!"

"Go ahead and try. We've already hired the best lawyer in town for the case."

"You don't mean..." Koizumi nodded.

"Yes. Tsuruya." Then he smiled. "I'm not one for sexy girls, but she has money. So really, I wouldn't mind if she were a girl. But if she had a younger brother...hehe...heheheheee..." Koizumi began to chuckle darkly. Kyon's blood ran cold. This was beginning to freak him out. All of this because he refused to film them battling animated monsters?

"Anyway, where are my manners? We have pepsi in the car, would you like some? Or are you more of a 'Diet' person?"

"Diet tastes nicer, duh," Kyon said, exasperated. Then he remembered why he was here. "Hey! Stop distracting me! I'm being kidnapped, you don't offer the kidnapee PEPSI!!"

"Really, why not?" Koizumi asked.

"It's STUPID! And... you're not doing it right!"

"Really? And how should I do it?" Koizumi asked, blank.

"You should be... oh, I dunno... beating me with sticks and tickling the back of my neck where I can't reach and poking me and pulling my hair and chanting sutra in my ears and whispering voodoo and stuff, not offering me pepsi!!"

"Really? How about Pepsi MAX?"

"NOT THE POINT!"

"Oh, well, OK then," Koizumi said, shrugging.

"Now pull over Arakawa, I think there's a dark forest nearby..."

"You people are crazy, we're on the moterway," Arakawa mumbled, but, of course, he wasn't heard.

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