After this event of awesomeness, the boy named harry spontaneously combusted but somehow put himself together again with the power of plot holes. This is understandable. I mean who the heck would just explode themselves?
Ronaldo Mewsly of course! Hagrid can vouch for this as he rode in on a unicycle, while at the same time crushing the poor vehicle because he was heavy (as all ogres tend to be)
"WHAT ARE YE DOIN IN MAH SWAMP!?" He roared in the most beautiful shrek-voice he could muster. This caused a chain-reaction of girly-screaming, shedwig making hyper foghorn noises, and all the rainbow sprinkles harry had collected so far to pulsate and explode right in front of his face; which made him cry in dismay at the loss.
'NOOOOOOO WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO MY SPRINKLES, SHEDWIG!? I TRUSTED YOUUUU!' Harry screamed in despair and anger while taking out a hammer from who knows where and hitting the poor misguided owl with it multiple times. She/He hooted angrily and then proceeded to fire lethal lazers with her beak around the room while sparta music played.
Dumblebum then chose this moment to fly in on his miniature magenta wings that were absolutely fabulous let me tell you that ;)
But of course as Harry had already killed him before, this didn't go down so far… and resulted in the most terrified expression of a lifetime.
He was extremely terrified and needed to bust out some disco moves to calm himself down while Dumblebum made noot noot sounds and buzzed around the room. "PIZZA PIZZA YEAH PIZZA PARTY IN MY HAIR YEAH BOIIIII!" His singing was atrocious and succeeded in driving Harry out of the room and literally flying to Hagrid's side and hiding behind his huge ogre self, fabulously of course.
"Please tell me about my past Hagrid? At least for the sake of ignoring Dumblebum's terrible awful traumatizing singing!" The boy sobbed and Hagrid took pity on him, patting his head and smiling with his creepy ogre teeth.
Hagrid nodded in fast motion. 'Sure thang, Harreh! I'll tell ye all about wot happened when you were jus' a babeh!" This prompted Harry to scream with happiness and turn his full attention to the oversized ogre with those sparkles you see in anime very prominent in his acid green eyes. He then spun around in circles until he became dizzy with glee.
Hagrid cleared his deep-voiced throat and began the tale of a lifetime.
*Random flashback starts and epic trumpet fanfare blares over the scene*
A motorbike chase was happening, but the pursuer wasn't another vehicle. Instead it was a smelly, insane, black-cloaked guy with no nose and terrible dental hygiene. It was Moldymort! As Hagrid's humungous banana-shaped motorcycle roared along at a billion miles per hour, a swaddled blanket with an infant Harry moved slightly and a tiny hand switched on the radio pandora iPhone app next to him. Instantly 'Smash Mouth's All Star' began to play appropriately as Hagrid bellowed like a bull at the maniacal figure streaking through the air behind him. "STOP FOLLOWING ME YOU POTATO-HEADED MUSHED UP BASILISK NOODLE!" Moldymort was nearly deafened but he struck back fiercely as the naming flame war began. "SHUT UP YOU MORONIC STUPID FAIRY BACON OAF! WHEN I GET HOLD OF YOU, I'LL…" He couldn't finish his roasting as he smacked straight into a pole, and Hagrid went past him with satisfaction at his win. HEY NOW YOU'RE A ROCKSTAR GET YOUR GAME ON YOUR WAY! Harry and the half giant ogre sang along at the top of their contrasting voices as they sped along to Harry's destination for the next how many years; Snivel Drive. He would have to be looked after by his aunt and uncle as well as his piggy cousin for a long while now, since moldymort very kindly turned the Potter family into ants and killed them (we can only assume but I'll swear they haven't descended into the realm of death yet hehe).
