Naruto: Legendary Maelstrom
Notes: Talking is in double quotes. Thoughts are in single quotes and italics. Demonic and Summons speech are in bold. Expressions are in between dashes.
Chapter 2: Hospitals Suck (but not totally).
The next day, around 1100, Naruto groggily awakens. 'I see white. Am I dead? This can't be heaven, and it ain't hell; damn it they put me in limbo.' –Hmmm- 'Does limbo smell overly sterile? Fuck, I'm in the fucking hospital!' -Sigh- 'At least I'm still alive.'
Jiraiya appears from the shadows and teases, "Finally woke up, eh gaki? Have very good dreams involving beautiful naked girls?" Naruto glares at his perverted mentor, who clears his throat. "Seriously, what's your mission report? The rest of us can only speculate what happened without it."
Naruto sighs, "It's going to be a long one Ero-sennin, especially from the beginning…" 'Maybe I was; but he sure as hell doesn't need to know any of my dreams, especially the erotic ones.'
The older one cuts him off, "The others told us what happened with their opponents."
Naruto continues, "You know then that some bone-wielding freak tried to stop me, but Bushy-Brow Lee took over and allowed me to pursue the emo and catch up to him at the Valley of the End. Can you believe that fucking bastard wanted to murder me for power, something about a stronger Sharingan or some shit, in order to kill his brother? Uke almost succeeded too; I'd be dead if that bastard fox wasn't healing me. It gets worse when the banshee shows up and wants emo to kill me and run off to your boy-loving ex-teammate, which emo and his bitch do. Guess I don't have to worry about my petition to leave Team 7 since it doesn't exist anymore due to Kakashi-hentai playing favorites. Bet his sensei didn't do that."
Jiraiya agrees, "You know, that makes me your sensei. It's been a long time since I've had any students, not since the Yondaime himself and his Genin teammates. They had to learn fast because of the Second Shinobi War, and the rest is history you should know. Anyway, I have to spread word to my various contacts to introduce you as my successor, in person of course. This will happen in two months, which is the middle of November, and will last about three years. Are you up for it, gaki?"
Naruto exclaims, "Hell yeah! Three years of a mission that I get to be even more kickass! Hopefully I get to learn more awesome jutsu like Rasengan and fuinjutsu like the one you used to stop that black fire! But what do I do about training in the meantime?"
Jiraiya smirks, "First, you can train on using the Rasengan without Kage Bunshin and, eventually, with both hands simultaneously. And I also have reading material for you." Jiraiya tosses Naruto a scroll that contains a book on fuinjutsu and the complete (to this point) Icha-Icha collection. Before Naruto could retort, he gets reminded, "I know about your stash of pornos, both at your house and the ones at the Academy. Who the hell do you think started the caches of porn at the Academy anyway and contributed the most?" Naruto processes this all with wide eyes.
Naruto answers, "Well, I contributed the second most to the stashes, some of which are still undisturbed. Fortunately, I have someone I can trust with a couple of the caches."
"Correct. Now I'll be off for the trip after telling Tsunade-hime your report. Later gaki and enjoy!" Jiraiya departs with a giggle, as we all know where his thoughts usually go.
Naruto decides to start on the first book of fuinjutsu since a nurse could pop in any minute. Around noon, Shizune brings his lunch in and he immediately complains, "Shizune-nee-chan, do I have to have nasty hospital food? I'd much rather have Ichiraku's ramen."
The fellow Sannin apprentice grants incentive, "Perhaps, if Naruto is a good shinobi and doesn't try to escape. But it will be tomorrow only once and every day following until you're cleared for discharge. Tsunade-sama determines when you get to leave and I'll bring up the ramen deal with her." Naruto thinks it's awesome and disdainfully eats the shitty hospital food. "By the way, you have visitors. Are you up for it?"
Naruto inquires, "They ain't people that pissed at me, right? I never had visitors in this overly sterile environment, except for Shikamaru that one time before the finals when Gaara was still psycho."
Shizune kiddingly chides him, "Language, Naruto-kun. Anyway, there are nine of your friends including Shikamaru and three of them are from Suna."
Naruto exclaims, "Why the hell is Gaara waiting? I want to see the new him! Well, I did beat the psycho out of him after all." Shizune lets the nine visitors in and leaves. "Hey guys what's happening?"
Kankuro shoots a wiseass comment, "No offense man, but you look like shit."
The hospitalized jinchūriki retorts, "That's because I'm in the hospital, you wanker. At least I don't wear makeup and play with dolls!"
Everyone except Kankuro simultaneously yells "BURN!" The oddest thing about it was that the disembodied voice of someone once called 'Tater-nuts' stood out the most. (Virtual candy to anyone that gets the reference, more specific references get more candy.)
The 'burn victim' mopes then yells, "Damn Uzumaki Naruto that was cold man; AND ITS WARPAINT AND PUPPETS! GET IT RIGHT!" He calms down and asks, "Anyway, who beat the shit out of you this time? I bet you were here after beating Gaara that day."
The one in the hospital gown corrects, "Nah, that day I slept off only chakra exhaustion, minor injuries, and a couple of bruises; you know, superficial stuff. As for who beat the shit out of me; obviously they'd have to be good, like at least mid-Chūnin to beat me, borderline Jōnin to hospitalize potentially kill. Let's just say it was a former teammate, friend, and rival; now sworn enemy along with his bitch, another old teammate, but she showed up and provided enough distraction via shrill voice to damn near get my ass killed. Next thing I know I'm here, one of my most hated places, the hospital."
Everyone else except Gaara and Shikamaru (they know) thinks, 'How can he consider chakra exhaustion superficial? Does he really have that much?'
The lazy genius grumbles, "Well Naruto, you're not the only one who landed here. Lee was wore down from his stay here before and not fully recovered, he'll be good in another day with rest; Kiba had a bad wound, nothing vital and Akamaru got hurt as well, both will be fine in a week; Neji landed with a critical wound that nicked a vital plus chakra exhaustion, looks like 10 days for him yet; Chōji had to use his clan's secret weapon to the fullest extent, the chakra poisoning got him 10 days as well and he'll need to really eat as well; and I broke my finger to escape a genjutsu, I'll be fine. Sucks that the missions failed though, it's troublesome."
The bug user adds, "What makes matters worse is that Naruto-san was betrayed by his teammates and left for dead."
The male blond reassures, "At least I still have you guys as friends. I don't think any of you will betray me like they did, because those that betray me pay and that is never pretty. I am a renowned prankster after all."
Temari is curious, "What are some of your best pranks, Naruto?"
"Good question Temari, I'll have to list my top five and that is tricky." Naruto gathers his thoughts and starts, "My best one was painting the Hokage Monument; another one is where I strung a pair of bullies on the flagpole with them wearing just banana hammocks; a third was during the first part of the Chūnin Exam where I drew detailed pictures of me using the jutsu I created, called Oroike no Jutsu, which no straight man can resist, that Morino Ibiki must have had a nosebleed because of the detail; the next one is related as I used Oroike Harem no Jutsu, basically Oroike combined with Kage Bunshin, to beat Kiba instead of punching his lights out; and I take pride in number five on this list as it's been in effect the longest: starting the rumor that Uchiha Sasuke liked girls with long hair. I can't believe that almost every single girl fell for that!"
Ino growls, "Naruto, if you weren't in the hospital, I would beat the daylights out of you!"
Naruto counters, "I don't know about that. Your stupid dieting thing doesn't allow much of that or… well you know" Naruto holds his hands over his pectoral muscles and smirks to make the point. This makes the platinum blonde furious, especially when she realizes that Naruto is right.
Shizune pops in, saving Naruto from Ino-fury, "Excuse me, but visiting time for Naruto-kun is over. You can come back tomorrow after lunch since he needs rest."
Gaara monotones, "Uzumaki Naruto, have a speedy recovery my friend. Hope you can come to Suna sometime, be it mission or vacation. Take care of yourself as we need to return."
"You too, Gaara," the budding super pervert replies, "and I hope to see you again sometime as well. Take care on your trip back, friend."
Shikamaru speaks while somewhat restraining his fuming teammate, "I know you hate this place Naruto, it does get troublesome quick. At first I was skeptical when Hokage-sama wanted you on the mission, but immediate understanding that as one that supposedly knew the person in question the best you were best suited. Talk to me anytime man, I got your back because you have ours."
"You are the laziest genius I know Shikamaru, and reliable. Just don't get too lazy, alright? Hate to be out of a damn good friend." Naruto reminisces back to the Academy days as he, Shikamaru, Chōji and Kiba would skip classes and chill. The four became friends after starting out as partners due to planning class ditches. Naruto and Kiba have a rivalry type friendship where they constantly provoke the other, but the spats stop when the situation is serious.
Shikamaru turns to leave while half-dragging Ino, who rambles, "I will get you back Naruto-baka, mark my words!"
Naruto retaliates, "Hey Ino, lighten up. You believed a rumor for six years and chased after some emo prick. Get over it!"
"Naruto-san, what happened was confusing and hurtful but I want you to remember this," Shino drones, "I will be a true comrade and help you whenever feasible."
The bedridden blond amusingly says, "Damn Shino, that's about the most I've heard you talk ever. I also got your back and will help you whenever I can. Take care of Hinata and Kiba; we both know that Akamaru can't bail his ass out all the time."
The kikaichu user curtly nods and his teammate stammers, "Um…Naruto-kun…uh…g-get w-well s-soon." She blushes deeply and looks away due to shyness, but Captain Oblivious doesn't catch it.
"Gee, thanks Hinata. Take care of yourself alright?" The blond Genin cheerfully answers, "No need to worry about me. I'll be back to training and missions a couple of days from now. You guys tell Chōji, Kiba, and Neji to get better quick; then we can celebrate getting the hell out of this damn hospital!"
The young, exuberant taijutsu specialist loudly speaks, "So youthful, Naruto-kun! I wish to challenge you to see who is better!" He tones it down to show he's serious, "I cannot believe that Sakura was so un-youthful as to bolt with that thieving traitor Uchiha, but we shall worry not! At least you will find someone, and I will as well for I have the Flames of Youth!" A random wave crashing on a cliff appears behind Lee that leaves everyone else crept out slightly.
Shizune issues another reminder, "Okay, everyone please leave Naruto-kun alone now. Oh, I almost forgot. Our guests from Suna, you are needed back at your village. Also, Tsunade-sama wants to see Tenten, Hyūga Hinata, and Yamanaka Ino as soon as possible. I will escort you girls there myself, and you behave Naruto-kun."
Everyone but the patient leaves the room, and Naruto will behave knowing that his 'ramen-chan' is on the line.
After Naruto has his dinner, Kakashi pops in, "Yo, Naruto, how are you holding up?"
"You're still three damn hours late! I'm in the damn hospital!" Naruto retorts, "Not only that, my ex-teammates put me in here; my biggest physical injury from your jutsu Kakashi-hentai! How the fuck do you think I'm holding up?" Naruto is ready to grab the chronically-late Jōnin, causing the older to back off slightly.
The masked porn addict sighs, "I am truly sorry that I was unable to be a proper sensei to you in regards to jutsu. However, I did try to point you in the correct direction with proper advice. I ultimately used Ebisu to point you to Jiraiya-sama, knowing that Ebisu owed me for procuring him the latest Icha-Icha. What did you ever do to him anyway, Naruto?"
"Oroike Harem no Jutsu," Naruto says matter-of-factly. "Closet-perv deserved it for claiming to have the shortcut to becoming Hokage and being judgmental."
"Was that the jutsu you used to beat Kiba?" The pervert in Kakashi grills his former student, "I feel proud that you were able to create such a perfectly hot babe! Why didn't you tell me you had such a wondrous ninjutsu? When did you create it?" The masked pervert beams with pride at his non-traitorous student, who tells the former he needs some space.
Naruto answers, "I created my Oroike no Jutsu by age 10, perfected it in my last year at the Academy. It was very handy in escaping Chūnin and the Harem part was me combining Kage Bunshin with it." He changes to a colder, serious tone, "Is that all you came here for, Kakashi?"
'That's how he did all his evading and even got the Forbidden Scroll. Sandaime-sama must have loved that jutsu; come to think of it, I do too!' "Actually Naruto," the Elite Jōnin counters, "I wanted to test your nature affinity, leave you with some jutsu of various elements, and tell you about the true potential of Kage Bunshin. The Kage Bunshin is a very resourceful way to gather information due to the fact that they relay information back to the user when dispelled, but the chakra cost is high for even one meaning that even someone like me can only create a dozen at most, but only sustaining two or three tops. Kage Bunshin can be used for training, but it's too risky for anyone but you to attempt it with your massive reserves Kyūbi notwithstanding, allowing one to learn faster. For example, something that takes two weeks to learn would take you one week with one Kage Bunshin."
Naruto realizes, "I get it, but how do I test my affinity or whatever?"
"Simple," Kakashi eye-smiles, "you channel a little chakra into this special paper." He pulls out the chakra paper and explains, "If it crumples, you have a lightning affinity; tears in two, wind; burns, fire; gets wet, water; crumbles, earth. It is possible to have more than one, ergo secondary elements. I am also proficient in fire, earth, and water, but my primary element is lightning."
Naruto gives it a try and immediately the paper splits in two, with one side getting damp and crumbling while the other side crinkles then quickly smolders down. "Eh, what's this mean Kakashi-sensei?"
The Copy Ninja skeptically looks and concludes, "It looks like your primary is wind, with your secondary being water, and apparently you show that you can use elemental ninjutsu easier than most with every element represented. I can talk to someone to teach you how to control your primary element until you leave with Jiraiya-sama. I'll tell you where to go when you get out, okay Naruto?" 'Damn, now to convince Asuma to teach Naruto, perhaps blackmail needs to be in order.'
"Yeah, thanks Kakashi-sensei." He then wonders, 'I wonder who the hell is a wind-type here in Konoha and what strings the hentai can pull.'
"Naruto, don't call me sensei anymore. However, you can call me senpai. I have solo missions and elite teams to command now. Catch you later Naruto-kohai." Kakashi says.
Naruto sends him off, "Later, Kakashi-senpai." (Senpai means senior, kohai means junior.)
Now that Naruto knows he's alone, he starts reading the Icha-Icha books the author left him, and taking care since they are limited-edition and autographed.
Once the four kunoichi arrive in the Hokage's office, Tsunade addresses them, "I have called you three here because you possess necessary skills to become medical ninja. I firmly believe that every team should have a medic, or at least someone with knowledge on medical ninjutsu. Not everyone has accelerated healing like me from experience; and Naruto who was born with it apparently. That is something I'm studying to see if it's a Kekkei Genkai." 'It might run in the Uzumaki line, augmented by Kyūbi no doubt.'
Hinata offers, "Hokage-sama, I made medical cream that helps heal wounds."
The buxom blond counters, "Yes, I know, Kurenai told me and left a sample. It is good quality, especially if it helped Naruto heal even faster with his really high healing factor. Shizune and the other Jōnin medics will oversee most of your medic training while I teach a few classes personally." 'One of those is Sex Ed refresher; can't wait for that one!'
Tenten gushes, "This is such an honor Tsunade-sama! I'm really glad that you came back to Konoha! Jiraiya-sama told us that story and I learned to respect Naruto more, especially since he beat my teammate Neji."
Ino adds, "I never knew Naruto could be that strong, he was always screwing around in the Academy pulling pranks and whatnot. That Naruto had the gall to say that my dieting wasn't letting my boobs grow! He's so insensitive!"
Tsunade glares, "Typical Naruto, lacking tact, but he's right. Dieting does way more harm than good. You shouldn't have to worry about dieting at all if you eat right and train. I'll give him a lecture as well on eating properly and manners. I will notify your families and senseis about your training. Report to the hospital Monday at 1300 hours; dismissed!" The three kunoichi depart and go to their respective homes.
After Kakashi leaves the hospital, he greets Asuma and Kurenai at a restaurant. The gravity-defying haired Jōnin can't resist teasing, "Hey, out on a date again?"
The two Jōnin 'remind' Kakashi, "We're not on a date!" (Yes, they were (again) and Kakashi caught them (again); first known time was when Itachi stopped in Konoha)
Asuma sighs, "What do you want Kakashi? I doubt you're here to hang out."
Kakashi steadies himself, "It's about Naruto. I want you to train him in wind manipulation. You're welcome to help as well Kurenai."
A very green blur appears and booms, "There you are Kakashi! How's my eternal rival?"
"And Gai is welcome to help as well. I am a failure as a sensei, given that only Naruto hasn't betrayed Konoha." Kakashi rambles, "He has so much potential, and I think the three of you can help him and your teams with some joint training. I even hear that Tsunade-sama is giving your kunoichi medic training."
The female Jōnin comments, "I guess Kakashi here is serious, no smut novel in sight. I think a lunch meeting will be appropriate with you paying for everything. Not ramen or barbecue, but healthy food including vegetables. I also think that Naruto should tell our Genin about Kyūbi."
The chain smoker adds, "I know that Shikamaru has figured it out already with that Nara brain of his, and that he came to me and his father about something Naruto said before the final matches. You should know what I'm referring to Gai."
Gai relates, "Yes that was when Gaara, the Ichibi no Jinchūriki, was trying to kill Lee but Naruto and Shikamaru stopped him. Naruto told him that he contains a real monster while Gaara claimed to have been born one (a monster), to only kill. My guess is that Naruto changed that prospective when they fought in the Invasion. I think this generation will be one to remember, like their parents."
Sharingan no Kakashi puts in his two cents, "I know that I had high expectations, considering my father and my sensei; and Naruto will have the highest overall expectation with his status and being the apprentice of Jiraiya-sama." 'Not to mention his heritage, being the last known Uzumaki alive after Uzushiogakure was destroyed and the residents massacred. I still believe that the Uzumaki clan secrets are sealed away there with blood seals and Jiraiya-sama knows this as well. He was entrusted before I was come to think of it, and Naruto will access it when Jiraiya-sama sees fit.' He wraps up the impromptu meeting, "It's getting late; perhaps we should schedule a day when everyone is released from the hospital for this meeting. It'll give me a chance to do a few S-rank missions in order to foot the bill. I know that Naruto and Chōji have big appetites, and Kiba, Lee, and even Gai might turn it into a competition. If you do get in an eating competition Gai, I would think that you help cover costs by covering your team."
Asuma comments, "Fair enough. You do get absorbed in any form of competition Gai. Want me to walk you home Kurenai?"
Gai and Kakashi think, 'Damn you're smooth Asuma.' Kakashi goes even further, 'Trying to score with the Ice Queen, eh Asuma? It might be a bit before you get her to put out, and you got Icha-Icha from your dad for inspiration.' (Kurenai got the Ice Queen reputation for turning down many guys, by frowning on open perverseness (Icha-Icha and Kakashi), but she got with Asuma via joint missions, his 'bad-boy' phase (12 Ninja Guardians of Hi no Kuni's Daimyo), and Invasion aftermath.)
Kurenai answers, "Such a gentleman Asuma, I accept as long as you don't try anything and the fact that you aren't going too far out of your way. Good night Kakashi, Gai." The other Jōnin also bid each other a good night and go their separate ways.
A/N: Finally I finish this chapter. I seem to suck when it comes to writing the down time, especially the hospital scenarios. For those that thought Kakashi got bashed, he didn't too terribly and got redemption. Can't keep a fan of Icha-Icha down; especially a very avid one in the Copy Ninja. Yes, Naruto will be on the fast track to being more of a ladies man thanks to Jiraiya, and super-pervert. Key changes made: Naruto gave up completely on Sakura before third round of Chūnin Exams, started to look for other options after the Wave mission, and of course never made that fucking stupid-ass promise regarding the duck-ass emo. I don't plan on stretching pre-time-skip too long and a chapter maybe two during time-skip. Input is valuable, please send suggestions for the harem and they will be considered with valid reason, but nothing serious until post-time-skip. Enough of my ranting; see you next update.
