I own nothing, not "Dark Blue", not Dean, not Jamie, not their chemistry.

I am just taking them out of the box marked cancellation for one last quick fling.

Slight spoilers for "Ice" i guess although really it could be anywhere in season one.

Jamie:

Scott represents my dreams, I know that. He is the proverbial Prince that this broken princess can kiss and disappear into the sunset with. I can get the white picket fence, the dog and two beautiful children. I can be the soccer mum, making pack lunches and party canapés. Every time I kiss him, make love with him, I flash into that world. It is this dreamscape that has kept me moving forward, that has never let me slip back. For the last three years, all the work to re-invent myself, cover my old life, this dream has been the goal. I know I don't love him completely yet , I know that I don't know all there is about him. I know that I am being unfair to him, letting him fall into love with this twistedly perfect version of me.

But it was okay because everyday my metamorphose into this shiny new Jamie was becoming more and more complete.

And then Carter comes along and offers me redemption. Full redemption, not the Hail Mary half version I had been practising but the confront-your-sins-head-on and kick them to the curb, born again redemption. Complete purging of the soul.

Dean does not think that I am strong enough to last this rebirth. I see him in the shadows when I take point, I hear him in my ear when I am in play.

Carter does believe, or maybe he doesn't care if I make it, he just understands that I need this.

I am getting stronger, better. I no longer go for the quickest triumph but the surest. I don't gamble as much with the outcomes but look for the legal win. My transformation is now more than superficial. I know now that I am not two Jamies, one past and one present, but one continually growing person.

Dean is my conscience, a sexy Jiminy Cricket in my ear. Everything is laid bare with him, you do what is right not what is right for you. He does not let me compromise or hide in the grey shading that I so loved before. I have to address my reasons know why I feel so passionate about the bust. Why I react in a certain way, why I don't react to other aspects. He digs deep into me.

Scott is sure. I feel wrapped in safeness with him. Sure and safe might not sound sexy to most people, but they are to me. Waking up held in someone's arms, someone that you trust no matter what to do the right thing, to give you this strength of belief, it is amazing. It's intoxicating.

Sometimes I don't know if he even likes me.

If I was more selfish I would disappear with Scott, re-invent myself and not care about this personal deliverance. If I was less selfish I would never touch Dean, I would walk away from his heated looks, from his wounded eyes.

We would never last. We each need the dream of perfection, the un-tainted image that we strive to protect.

Sometimes, after a horrible case, I need to cleanse my soul. I just can't seem to scrub it white on my own, yet. To get it spotless again, you have to scrub in all corners, all cracks and all the tiny little holes and I just can't do it on my own. Yet.

I still need someone else to hold my hand. Someone who has been there or someone who is pure light themselves.

I just can't do it on my own, yet. But I will learn to, soon.