'To me, clothing is a form of self-expression - there are hints about who you are in what you wear.' - Marc Jacobs

January

"Good night, Gunther," Kurt calls out as he clocks off his shift at the Starlight Diner. Rachel was right – he does get the opportunity to perform every shift. But how many times will he have to sing a cover version of Frank Sinatra's 'New York, New York' for the tourists? The tips are great and pay his basic expenses, but for the first time ever, his wardrobe is solast season. What gets to Kurt the most about the job is that he is serving others and not driving his own musical theater career forward.

Kurt shoots off a text to Rachel to let her know that he's on his way home. He's so grateful for her friendship, particularly when he had first arrived in New York City. She had found them a loft in Bushwick, at an affordable price, and got him a job at the Starlight Diner, where she also works. He had thought that once he had sorted out a job and housing, he would figure out a plan. However, the plan just isn't shaping up.

When Kurt leaves the diner, the cold crisp breeze of the winter's night whips across his face. He pulls up the lapels of his pea coat and digs his fingers into his pockets. He's happy the subway station is only a few blocks away, and starts walking briskly. He passes the Gershwin Theatre and smiles at the memory of breaking into it with Rachel last year at the Nationals competition.

Kurt has put his education on hold for a year so that he can save some money and experience New York City. But that doesn't mean that he isn't pursuing a musical theater career. Each morning he pours over the new listings on the backstage website, where there are over 2,000 casting calls advertised. Surely one of those roles is meant for him. However, each audition finishes with "Thank you Mr. Hummel. Don't call us, we'll call you." Who knew that casting directors really say such things?

Last week, Kurt auditioned for the part of Erik in "Erik Dies, You're Stupid and We Hate You", an off-off-Broadway show. He had been so hopeful of landing the leading role of Erik. The basic plot was that Erik was lonely and his friends took him on a surreal, nightmarish odyssey to 'get his dick wet'. He thought he would be perfect for the role. After all, it sums up his life nicely.

But he hasn't received a callback and Kurt knows that with each passing day, it becomes more unlikely he will. Kurt really tries to not let it get him down, but it's hard. Life is hard at the moment. However, he's a thousand times happier than he was in Lima. He just has to remind himself of that every day when he wakes up.


Kurt gazes at the subway compartment's window and sees the reflections of fellow passengers in the glass. There are people on their way home from work and some homeless people looking for a warm reprieve from the cold winter's night. But mostly, the compartment is filled with couples – those on first dates, their cheeks flushed with hope, and those who are lovers, giving each other intimate looks and soft touches.

Kurt knows that there's a huge part of him that longs to explore his sexuality. He wants to say that his musical performance career is more important, but the reality is that they're both on equal footing. Being the only out gay boy in high school was tough. But living in New York City does give him the opportunity to find someone… Someone like him. But what does that mean?

Kurt has figured out that the touch of fingertips isn't nearly enough - he has his teenage hormones to thank for that. His foray into gay porn on-line was frightening – typical guys couldn't be that big. He's tired of being a baby penguin. He wants to be desirable and sexy to other gay men. He wants a man who can play him like a finely-tuned instrument and find every erogenous zone on his body. He wants a man to show him sexual pleasures and someone he can satisfy in return.

Arriving in New York, he already knew that he didn't want random hook-ups – Bear Night at Scandals had taught him that. It had also taught him that he doesn't want to be anybody's princess. Just because he has a high voice and some people think he looks effeminate doesn't mean that he's the 'girl' in the relationship. But he doesn't necessarily want to be in the controlling role either. He wants to be on equal terms with his partner.

Even though he longs for his first kiss - well at least one that counts - Kurt wants the romance of it all. Someone who takes him on dates and woos him. Someone who makes him feel connected and safe. Someone who will love him. That's not asking for the moon, is it?

When a throng of passengers leave the compartment at a popular transfer station, Kurt quickly snags a vacant seat, still warm from the previous occupant. He thinks back to his last date and is surprised that it was over a month ago.

The glittery globes reflected the light in a multitude of directions and the music pulsated through every nerve of Kurt's body. He was at the HK Lounge and it was filled wall-to-wall with people dancing to the music. Madonna's 'Get into the Groove' was playing and he was lost inside the music. Kurt's hips were swaying and he was doing his signature shoulder shimmy. He probably looked like an idiot, but he didn't care. And Kurt could see many eyes on him when he was on the dance floor. Eyes that wished that they were dancing with him. He was flattered, but he didn't care.

The club was located in Hell's Kitchen, and that seemed appropriate. His day had been another disappointment. He'd auditioned for the 'Gazillion Bubble Show' and had been rejected on the spot.

But tonight, Kurt Hummel was doing just fine. He was on his third date with Max, a guy he'd met whilst waiting for Rachel at the 'Wine Escape' near NYADA. He was instantly attracted by his good looks – curly brown hair, hazel eyes and a compact but rocking body. If he had a 'type', that was definitely it. He smiled at Max as he shimmied his shoulders one more time. Max grinned back at him and copied his move. Half way through the song, Max discretely positioned himself behind Kurt and grasped his hips. After a music beats, he started to grind gently against Kurt's ass.

Kurt knew exactly what Max was asking - he wanted to take things further. But Kurt wasn't comfortable with that. He definitely didn't want to take things further. Sure, he was attracted to him but he didn't feel any chemistry. So at the end of the song, Kurt begged off with a 'migraine'. As he made his way to the subway, he pulled out his phone and deleted Max's contact details.

Kurt now knows that he's attractive to other gay men. And they are everywhere – Starlight Diner patrons, coffee shops, Callbacks, and in the auditions' waiting lines. His sharp and clever wit immediately signals that he is nobody's princess. That he's a force to be reckoned with. There are plenty of men who like his sparkle.

Kurt has gone out with Paul, James, Tristan, Andrew, and Matthew, but he's politely declined advances after the third date. The dates all seem to fall into the same pattern, like there was a gay guy's manual that he doesn't know about. The first date is always in a coffee shop - getting to know each other. It's safe, short and easy to plan an escape route. A smile and a handshake at the end.

The second date is dinner and Kurt always insists on organizing it. He usually opts for a meal at his favorite cheap and cheerful Thai restaurant. He knows the menu well and always orders dishes that are scrumptious but not too loaded with garlic or chili – spring rolls, Moo Daeng, and Pad Thai. While they continue to get to know each other, flirting is an added dimension to the date. Sampling each others' food, lots of smiling, laughing, and the occasional touch. It always ends with a kiss on the cheek and a half hug that leaves both parties wanting more.

The third date is epic and crucial - and is always arranged by the other. They always start in a classy bar. With fake IDs in hand, the date orders a dirty martini and Kurt's go-to drink is a cosmopolitan. After his high school experiences, Kurt isn't a big drinker, but he wants to come across as sophisticated and cool. Then it's the inevitable club…the gay guy club. A club that accepts them and where they can let it all loose.

A second cosmopolitan is ordered. There are lots of smiles and the inevitable dancing. Kurt loves to dance. However, he always feels uncomfortable when the date tries to take it to the next level. When they pull him in to dance to a slow song, he feels their arousal, their cock pressing into him, longing to get into his pants. But he never feels it back. He misses the romance that he desperately craves. The sly looks, the tender touch, the feeling of hope.
None of them feel special enough to be his first kiss, let alone be his boyfriend. He doesn't feel connected and safe and loved. It's just another thing in his life that isn't happening. He's sure that there has to be somebody in the city who he could fall in love with. But then again, in 50 years' time, he could be alone with 13 stray cats.


"Hi Rach – I'm home," Kurt calls out as he slides the door to their apartment open.

"Hey, Kurt. Since you were working late, I ordered pizza. It should be here any minute. New York Domino's is sooooo much better than Lima Domino's."

"It's the water," Kurt replies. He is so grateful that Rachel has ordered pizza. She's quite possibly the worst cook ever. During their first week at the Bushwick apartment, Rachel decided to cook a vegetable polenta casserole. As she was sautéing the onion and garlic, flames burst out of the frying pan. It was quickly agreed that going forward, Kurt would be in charge of the cooking and Rachel in charge of the cleaning. But tonight he just feels too tired to whip up dinner. Kurt gives Rachel a quick hug and adds, "Thanks for that."

Once the pizza arrives, they sit on the couch happily munching away as Melissa Etheridge plays in the background. Kurt can feel Rachel's eyes staring at him as his mind is going a hundred miles per second. His best friend knows that life in New York is not what he'd expected. It's just so much harder.

"So what's with the faraway look, Kurt? What's up?"

"I don't know. It's just that life at the moment feels both exciting and overwhelming." Kurt picks up another slice of vegan pizza to buy him some time. He desperately wants someone to confide in, to share his innermost private thoughts with. He doesn't want to discuss this with his dad at the moment…. To admit that all his dreams are being crushed slowly, one by one, is too hard. Rachel wants an honest answer and he really, really wants to give her that.

"The auditions are getting me down. I have been to 47 open auditions since October. I can't even manage to land an agent. I might as well have a big neon sign above my head that says 'gay-diddy-gay-gay-gay'. One look at me and I'm typecast as the younger brother, the best friend, the comic relief – never the leading man. I feel as stuck now as I was in Lima."

Rachel squeezes his thigh as a sign of reassurance. "That's not true, Kurt. Auditions are tough on everyone and they're soul-destroying. Even with NYADA and my amazing Winter Showcase win, I don't have a Broadway role yet. Do you know how many times I have been called back for 'Funny Girl' and they still haven't made up their mind yet?"

Kurt rolls his eyes. Of course he knows. He feels like he could play the part of Fanny Brice himself with the number of times he's helped Rachel rehearse her lines or has listened to her belt out the songs. "But at least you're getting callbacks."

Kurt collects his thoughts, really afraid to relate his innermost worries. But he needs to get it out, and so he takes a deep breath. "I know that when I got the rejection letter from NYADA, I was devastated… shattered. And it's going to take me a while to save some money and figure out where I should continue my studies. However, on reflection, I'm actually grateful for it because I think I can use the time for some real life experiences. I just don't know what they should be. I've lost my focus."

"Have you considered that maybe you should take a break from auditioning and cultivate some of your other interests? You are such an incredible cook and such a fashionista."

This makes Kurt pause for thought because he honestly hasn't considered alternatives. No way does he want to work as a chef. His part-time career as a waiter at the Spotlight Diner has already convinced him of that. It has long hours, underpaid illegal immigrants, and it destroys any love of food.

But doing something in fashion could be up his alley. From an early age, Kurt has been interested in fashion. He's followed it religiously and has a subscription to Vogue magazine. In middle school, he commandeered his mother's old sewing machine and taught himself how to repurpose clothing. When the bullying got to him in high school, he created the 'FashionKnowsNoGenders' blog and posted a selfie every morning before school and showed off the many outlandish outfits he'd worn for Glee Club. He even posted his Alexander McQueen inspired outfit that he wore for the "Bad Romance' song during Gaga week. The blog had very few followers and hits, but it had given him strength and purpose. Maybe being single-minded about a Broadway career is not the way to approach life. Just maybe, he should consider other avenues.

"Thanks, Rach. Maybe I should start considering all my options." He gives her a goodnight kiss on the cheek and goes to his partitioned bedroom.

After an hour of Internet surfing, Kurt signs up at the dointernships website for positions in the fashion, retail and media industries.

This feels good. It feels right for me. No worries about being type-cast – the fashion industry is dominated by gay men. Oh, lots of gay men. Maybe this could lead to me kick-starting my love life as well.

When Kurt returns from the bathroom after his extensive night-time skin regime, his computer pings with a new e-mail notification. He quickly opens it to discover a message from dointernships announcing a new listing for an internship at Vogue working in the department that maintains its website content. When Kurt reads through the job description, he realizes that the internship is perfect for him. Kurt flops back in bed and starts to squeal and kick his feet excitedly.

Yes, things are about to change for Kurt Hummel.


Two weeks later, February

Kurt wakes up and peeks at the alarm clock. It's 5:30 AM and Rachel has already started to warm up her vocal cords. Sometimes it's hard to appreciate what a good singer she is because all he can think about is shoving a sock into her mouth. Kurt jumps out of bed, bright and alert, because this morning he has his interview at Vogue.

Kurt has spent most of the weekend planning his outfit for the interview. He knows that the outfit really matters. It has to wow them… make him unique in the ocean of potential candidates for the internship. He looks at the outfit hanging on the outside of the portable clothing rack that is considered his wardrobe. Yeah, he has made a good choice.

Kurt dashes to the bathroom and is happy that he has beaten Rachel to a morning shower. He spends extra time moisturizing his face, using his 'special occasion' cream imported from France, and making sure that his hair is in tip-top form. He returns to his bedroom and carefully puts on his outfit. It's a crisp white shirt that adds balance to the Paul Smith shark-tooth-print trousers, a bargain he has bought recently at the 6pm website. The Hugo Boss blazer is relatively plain, but trendy, and will hopefully project a professional image. The final touch is a vintage style hippo brooch, to add a bit of whimsical fun and flare. He does one final check in the full length mirror before going to the kitchen for a light breakfast.

After good mornings are exchanged, Rachel carefully examines that outfit. "I love the outfit, but what's up with the blue socks?'

Kurt blushes when he realizes that Rachel has picked up on his sock choice. "Well, light blue is the color of clear skies and I'm really hoping for a positive result."

Rachel tugs Kurt to sit down next to her at the table. "You don't need a silly superstition to kill this interview. You are an amazing man, and Vogue will recognize your many talents, even more so without blue socks."

Kurt places his head on her shoulders, wraps his arm around her, and gives a gentle squeeze. "You're right."


Kurt's checks the time on his phone as he exits the subway station near One World Trade Center, where the Vogue head office is located. He has plenty of time before his interview with Isabelle Wright, the new senior editor who heads up Vogue's website. He spots the Silverstein Family Park nearby, so he crosses the street and takes a seat on an available bench. He checks his messenger bag for the hundredth time to make sure his designs are packed inside. Once satisfied that is all in order, he takes out his phone and he presses 1 on his speed dial. The call is picked up after the first ring.

"Kurt, are you all right? Safe?"

"Yes, Dad, I'm fine. How are things?"

"Everything is usual in Lima – busy at work, helped at the car wash fundraiser for the arts program at McKinley. But that's not what you're calling about. Don't you have the big interview today?"

Kurt grins sheepishly. Leave it to his father to get to the heart of the matter. "Yeah, I do. I'm a bit early for the interview so I'm at a nearby park. I've got my portfolio of designs ready and my outfit is pretty fabulous. Do you remember those shark-tooth-trousers I …"

Burt interrupts, "You didn't call me about fashion advice because I know you don't like flannel. So how are you really feeling about the interview?"

"I'm scared. It felt so right when I saw the internship advertised, but now I feel so wrong for the position. Why would they hire a teenage nobody? What will I do if I don't get the internship. What if…"

Burt interrupts again. "Slow down, buddy. That's a lot of 'what ifs' to deal with. You need to take a chance for most things in life worth having and that's scary. Heck, I felt that exact same way when I opened the tire shop."

"You did?"

"Of course I did. Your mother was working, so that took some of the pressure off. But I took out a big bank loan, signed a lease for the garage, and hired people who would depend on me for their weekly paycheck... to put food on the table. But after a few teething problems, it all worked out. What I'm saying is that sometimes you need to grab an opportunity with both hands."

Kurt thinks about this for a moment and realizes that he had never thought about his father being in a similar situation. "But what happens if I'm rejected?" Kurt whispers.

"You'll do what you need to. You'll pick yourself up, brush yourself down, and go back to that internship web thingy. There's a lot of amazing opportunities out there for you. Just remember I'm here to catch you if you fall."

"Dad, you're right. I'm going to show Vogue what Kurt Hummel is all about."

"Bye, Kurt. Give me a call tonight to tell me how the interview went. And remember, I love ya."


Kurt's waiting in Vogue's reception area, and he can feel his body relax, as he closes his eyes and concentrates on taking deep breaths. He feels calm and mentally rehearses what points he wants to get across during the interview. His eyes quickly open as the receptionist announces, "Ms. Wright will see you now."

When Kurt enters the office, he sees photos and papers and racks of clothing samples… but no sign of Ms. Wright. Kurt calls out for her and she pops out from behind a clothing rack. "Call me Isabelle."

They both take a seat and Isabelle immediately puts Kurt at ease by discussing his on-line blog and asking about his fashion icons. Kurt thinks that the interview is going smoothly when Isabelle talks about dreaming big and working hard to make it happen. He feels that she gets him, with his love of both Broadway and fashion, and she inspires him to dream bigger. There is a pause in the conversation and Kurt wonders what will happen next.

Isabelle slowly gets up from her seat and smiles at Kurt. "I'm absolutely parched. Let me get us a cup of tea." Not waiting for a reply, she walks to the nearby break room.


Isabelle takes a deep breath as she fills the electric kettle with water. She isn't particularly thirsty, but she needs some time to think… to think about the young man in her office and how she is going to handle the situation. Kurt is amazing – a one-of-a-kind - and she would hire him as an intern in a heartbeat.

However, her thoughts wander back to a recent meeting with Vogue's editor-in-chief. They are friends and often have lunch together and talk shop.

"Isabelle, I'm really not happy with the May issue's floral and pastel theme for the main photo spread.
It's not edgy - it's not what Vogue has built its reputation on. I'm looking for somebody who can knock this out of the park for us."

"I assume you have contacted Elite, Ford, IMG, and DNA?"

"Of course I have. The agencies are just sending over the usual suspects. I need a fresh face. Someone with the wow factor."

"Blaine, have you considered a change in the theme?"

"If only I could. The photo shoot is next week and at this stage, it's too costly to change or postpone it."

"I'll give this some thought and let you know if I can come up with anything."

"Thanks, Isabelle. And thanks for listening. I just needed to let off a little steam. I'm hoping that somebody will walk off the street and be the answer to my prayers."

Isabelle doesn't usually meddle with the magazine and its decisions. However, Blaine hired her as the new on-line senior editor and she feels a loyalty towards him. He's an excellent leader and mentor. She wants to prove to him that she can think laterally and for the greater good of the magazine empire. And there, sitting in her office, is a man who is just the perfect fit for the May issue's photo spread.

Prior to the interview, she had trolled through Kurt's blog and he looked absolutely stunning in each of his outfits posted. He can wear anything from his aunt's old sweater to a tartan kilt. As she removes the teabags from the cups, she knows what she's going to do.


Isabelle returns to her office and hands Kurt his cup of tea. "I know that you're here for the internship, but I really think that you have looks and body to be a model."

Kurt almost drops his cup because that is not what he expected Isabelle to say. All he can manage to blurt out is, "Really?"

Isabelle giggles and gently squeezes his arm. "Yes, really. I know for a fact that the magazine is looking for a fresh face for the May issue. I think you would be a perfect fit."

Kurt still can't believe what he is hearing. All through high school he was constantly called hurtful nicknames – lady lips, lady face, gay face. They weren't particularly original, but they had hurt him. They had made him feel undesirable and not worthy of love. However, here was the Isabelle Wright telling him that he would be a perfect fit for a Vogue photo spread. He has not once considered being a model, but then again his break from school was all about opening himself up to new life experiences.

"I honestly don't know what to say. I'm flattered that you think so highly of me. I moved to New York to experience new things. This might not be what I expected to come out of today, but I'm open to the idea. I'm hard-working and a quick learner. So how do I apply for this modeling job?"

Isabelle smiles at him, thrilled that he has agreed to explore the modeling opportunity further. She stands up and grabs Kurt's hand to pull him up.

"Come with me, there is someone who needs to meet you. I'm so excited – I'm about to get you discovered!"


Author's note

Thank you to my most amazing beta, Lilyvandersteen. A special thank you to Fearlessly who looked at the first draft.

I've posted my thoughts about this chapter while I was writing it over at Tumblr (HKVoyage). You will also find the amazing story artwork created by Cassie at Criss & Colfer Graphics. Reviews are like getting a job offer from Vogue.

Next up: Blaine and Kurt meet.