A/N: Sorry for the slow update; writers block. Shorter chapter than the last one. Small mention of suicide. Don't own any of the characters.
She told her captain a couple of days after the assault, when she heard the rumours around the department, of how she was having an affair with the Deputy Chief to gain her detective status. She wouldn't give a second guess as to who started them. Sam had told it's not worth pursuing, not worth risking her promotion over a misunderstanding, and just to move on from it. She always knew he never believed her. Patton was a long-time friend of his, who wasn't capable of something like that. Sam had said she was upset that her dirty laundry was being aired, and she wanted to get back at him and scolded her for accusing Patton, the man who had helped her career.
"Well I'm disappointed in you, Patton has done you nothing but favours and this is how you repay him?" Maybe she was in the wrong? "Let's go see if the Deputy Chief is still in his office"
"Captain, please, I'm sorry. I didn't mean…I'm just confused…" She had no idea what she saying. Her mind was all over the place.
"Well maybe you can explain your confusion to him." He held the door, waiting for her to lead the way. The walk down the corridor terrified her. Was she going to lose her job? Why hadn't she just kept her mouth shut? When they reached the office, the door was open, inviting them in.
"Sam, Amanda, what can I do for you?"
"It seems young Amanda here needs some clarity over some events which has transpired between you two. Apparently, she didn't consent for you to have your wicked way with her"
"Is that so?" He was now looking directly at her.
"Well, I think she's embarrassed that everyone's found out how she's tried to whore her way up in her career"
"Well... maybe Amanda and I could have a discussion and I could provide some of that clarity over this issue. Thank you Sam" Being dismissed, Sam left the office, closing the door behind him. Amanda was still frozen on the spot in front of his desk. She kept her eyes to the ground, whilst Patton watched her from behind his desk. "Amanda…What am I going to do with you?" Looking up, Amanda saw him leaning back in his chair, studying her.
"Captain Reynolds was right. I was upset that…what happened got out and I reacted badly" The words felt like poison on her tongue. No one was going to believe her, now that she was the office slut, so she was going to have to play along with her role in this boys' club. She'd lost her dignity and their respect, which wouldn't change, regardless of what she said, so she might as well try and save the one thing she could; her job.
"Come here" Amanda just looked at him, that anxiety creeping back. When she didn't move, he repeated himself, letting a chuckle out this time and used his hand to gesture over to where he wanted her to go. She slowly walked around his desk and stood in front of he got her where he wanted, he swiftly grabbed a hold of her hair, and forced her to her knees. Tears were filling her eyes, knowing she stupidly put herself in this position again. Still sitting in his chair, he pulled her head towards him, so that her face was inches from his crotch. She scrunched her eyes shut, hoping to block all this out, make it seem less real, that she was going to be assaulted again because of her own stupidity. A few hot tears slid down her cheeks. Patton now bent his head forward, so that his lips were close enough her to feel him breathing down her ear.
"I'm only going to say this once Amanda. Nothing good will come out of you spreading lies. We both know what happened that night. You opened your legs willingly so you need to stop running your mouth off or there will be consequences. If this is brought up again, I will make sure this always follow you, no matter how far you go, everyone will know what a filthy whore you've always been. Do you understand?"
All she could do was nod because of the fear he had instilled in her. He pushed her back, so she fell on her backside. Her eyes were red, cheeks streaked with tears, hair out of place.
"Maybe I should make better use of that mouth of yours?" She shook her head, repetitively, knowing if she spoke the tears would get caught up in her throat. Just then, his office phone began to ring. "Looks like you've been saved by the bell" He laughed. As he picked up the phone, Amanda took this as her cue to leave.
Amanda decided to move on from the bar she was at, almost tripping over the table as she got up. She began aimlessly wondering the streets of the concrete jungle, not sure where she was going to end up.
Another bar.
A casino.
Some stranger's bed.
The morgue.
For months after the rape, she contemplated taking her own life. It wasn't like she had that many people who cared for her. Her mother, always despised her for the things that happened during her childhood and for leaving Georgia. Kim, just got lucky when her sister became a cop, someone to always bail her out when she got herself into a mess. These thoughts were creeping into her mind again.
She stopped walking when she came across a river. She leaned against the railings, admiring the moonlight reflect beautifully against the water. She pondered about just climbing the bars and jumping in.
Would her body automatically try and save herself or would she just float into she could no longer breathe? Would her body be found? Who would do the ID? Would anybody miss her?
"Amanda..." She didn't need to turn around to know the identity of that voice. "Hey…" Her focus was glued to the flashes of light on the water, even when they moved to stand beside her. "You must be freezing, here" The temperature must of been around 5 degrees and all she was wearing was a flimsy blouse. To be honest, with the amount of alcohol she had consumed, she could barely feel the cold. Their jacket was shed from themselves, and placed around her shoulders. It was only then she turned to acknowledge them.
"I suppose I should of left my phone, if I wanted to be left alone" She let out a short laugh, as she saw the look on his face, indicating they had tracked her GPS.
"Maybe subconsciously, you wanted to be found" She'd turned back to her focal point, the water, as her smile disappeared. "We've all been worried about you"
"Why? I mean…me and Patton" She started to laugh. Excluding the smell of bourbon on her breath, he knew she'd consumed a hefty amount of alcohol, because of her behaviour. He'd learnt that there were usually three stages to drunk Amanda. The first would be the laughing, suddenly at anything. The next would involve the aggression especially when riled, as he learnt that night in the bar after the Paula Martin case. "Me and Patton were together…a bit like me and you. I spread my legs for him because that's who am I, Nick. You would know, but it doesn't matter. All you guys…" She shoved him, hard as she spoke. "…. want a bit of skirt now and then, and what better than someone like me, an attention seeking slut, who drops their knickers at the click of the fingers. Maybe Carisi will ask me next…don't worry though, I will always drop to my knees for you"
Nick knew there would no sense in trying to talk with her, reasonably, so decided the best he was going to do now, was get her out of the cold, and let her sleep off the liquor.
"Let's get out the cold, yeah?" Fortunately for Nick, it seemed as all that reeling and rambling had tired her out, so she nodded and walked obediently to his car.
Once they were both situated in the car, Nick blasted up the heat and drove off. Amanda had let her head rest against the window, staring at nothing in particular. He had decided to take Amanda to his house.
When they got there, Nick took Amanda straight to his room, he would sleep on the couch tonight. He took off the jacket that was draped around her then sat her on the bed, so he could take off her shoes. She was sat there silently as she watched him, crouched before her, getting rid of her shoes. She lifted her hand, and began ruffling his hair. That made him look up, smiling at the interaction.
"You okay?" Well he knew deep down she wasn't but still asked anyway. She nodded, as she continued playing with his hair. "How about I find you something comfortable to sleep in?" She was in daze so didn't really hear what he was saying. Only when he moved his head to where she was staring into space, she realised he had been talking to her. Stage three. Compliant, quiet Amanda. "Yeah?" She just nodded again, not entirely sure what she agreeing to. Did he ask for sex? Well it wasn't like she was going to say no, not that it mattered as it didn't seem to mean much these days. When he returned with a grey t-shirt in his hand, she was slightly confused. Nick wasn't sure what to do. He knew what had happened to her, he didn't want her to respond badly if he tried to undress her.
"I'm just going to help you out of these clothes…" So he did want to fuck her. Of course he did, it's what they all want. He could see her mind working like clockwork, so needed to reassure her what he was doing. "Amanda, listen. I don't want anything, okay? I'm just going to help you get changed into something more comfortable so you can rest".
"I don't mind…if you want anything from me, just take it" She proceeded to take off her blouse. His heart was breaking.
"I do mind. I'm nothing like these guys, Amanda. You mean more than that. I'm not going to do anything without your say so, ever" He then went to put the t-shirt on her. She followed his lead as he held each sleeve for her to put her arm through. She then stood up in front of him, giving him a smile, letting him know it was okay. Once her trousers were gone, he pulled he hem on the shirt, so that it covered what it needed to. He got and pulled back the covers, allowing her to get it. When she was tucked in, Nick sat on the edge of bed next to her.
"I wish I had been there for you" He continuously brushed his fingers through her locks, whilst Amanda had to smile at his words. Of course he would say something like that. He was all about saving damaged women from the big bad guys. But that was what she loved about him. Most the guys she had known, were the ones causing damage. And now, here was someone who genuinely cared about her.
"You're here now. That means more to me, than you know."
