The motel room was dark and quiet. Ever since Dean came back to life, you started watching him while he slept. You knew it may seem creepy, but watching the rise and fall of his chest reassured you that he was really alive. When Dean slept, there was no difference between the Dean you fell in love with and the man twisted by the mark. You watched him because you could barely sleep yourself now. And most of all, you watched him because of his nightmares.
Dean had always had nightmares, this wasn't anything new to you. Before, you would wake him up and reassure him. You held him and kept his fears and insecurities a secret after Dean started telling you what was in his nightmares. Now, most nights he still had nightmares. You took it as a sign that somewhere inside his humanity still refused to let go. Demons didn't dream or have nightmares. In general, demons were the nightmares.
Just like before, you woke him up every time you caught him in one. You held him and Dean actually seemed to take comfort in your embrace. He didn't fight it and allowed himself to relax in your arms. Sometimes he would fall back asleep. It was one of the few times things felt normal. Dean had stopped telling you what he dreamt about and you knew better than to ask. Even before the mark gripped him, you knew better than to press Dean about his insecurities.
You were lost in your thoughts when you noticed Dean shift in his sleep. His face contorted into a grimace.
You stroked his face. Waking Dean slowly and gently was always better than shaking him from a nightmare. "Dean. You're ok. It's only a dream." The soothing words seemed to have no effect as he began to thrash. You could tell this was a bad one and it was escalating quickly. You turned on the bedside lamp and gripped him firmly as you spoke to him. "Dean, wake up… Dean… Dean!"
Dean whimpered until he finally cried out your name in his sleep. He awoke suddenly and a hand reached out towards you. A force pushed you backwards and you felt a sharp pain as your head impacted with the wall and you crumpled to a heap on the floor.
When you looked up, Dean was upright in bed. His face was full of fear and confusion, but his eyes were black. He stared at you for a moment as you tried to find the words to bring him back and to make everything ok again. It was too late though. Your mask was slipping and he had seen your fear.
Dean slipped out of bed and walked towards you. You looked down and swallowed, not knowing what to expect. He knelt before you and lifted your chin. His eyes had returned to the beautiful shade of green that you loved so much. You were usually good at reading him, but not this time. His face was stoic, but you could see different emotions sweeping across his features like a storm. Dean opened his mouth to speak and there was a knock at the door.
Dean got up to answer and you felt the back of your head. There was blood and you noticed a small dent in the wall above you.
Crowley's voice registered as he entered the room. "Lover's quarrel?" He looked down at you with amusement.
Dean spoke before you could. "What did you want Crowley?"
"As you know, I enjoy a good roll in the hay as much as the next demon. But unfortunately my room is next door and I do need my beauty sleep."
"Fine, we'll keep it down. Anything else?" Dean wasn't in the mood for small talk.
"If I'm honest, you look like you could use a drink Dean. Would you like to join me?"
You looked at Dean and caught him glancing at you. "Yeah, sure Crowley. Just let me throw some fresh clothes on. I'll meet you there." Dean stepped into the bathroom and closed the door.
You waited on Crowley to leave but instead he turned to you. "Y/N, remember what I said about toys? What do you suppose happens when toys break?" He didn't wait for a response and left you with that lingering thought.
You started to stand as Dean emerged from the bathroom fully dressed and walked towards the bed. "Suppose you know, I'm going out with Crowley. Get some sleep." He set a glass of water and some pills on the nightstand before walking out the door.
You weren't sure whether to feel crushed or touched. Dean had never lashed out at you before, not even on accident. The old Dean would be by your side stewing in guilt and self-loathing until you insisted that you were fine. On the other hand, this was the most concern he'd shown for you since you'd left the bunker together. You couldn't decide if this meant he was getting worse or better as you swallowed the pills and turned out the light.
You managed to get a few hours of sleep before waking up with a splitting headache. It was late in the morning and Dean wasn't back yet. You weren't surprised when there were no calls or texts. You saw his bag still in the corner and told yourself he would be back as you stepped towards the bathroom.
Despite trying not to look, you caught a glimpse of yourself in the mirror. Your hair was usually wild, but this was something else entirely. Bags under your eyes stood out against your pale skin. Motels and bars didn't exactly lend themselves to sunlight very well. If you were completely honest with yourself, you looked exactly like how you felt.
You started running the shower and took two more pills in hopes that getting cleaned up and eating something would help. The water pressure was non-existent and left you longing for the bunker. It only got worse when the hot water ran out suddenly after about five minutes while you still had shampoo in your hair. You stepped out of the shower shivering and reached for a towel that seemed to be more like a glorified washcloth. Why was it that all the motels seemed to have ridiculously small towels?
You threw on a pair of jeans and a tank top before grabbing one of Dean's flannel shirts. It was something you had done since you and Dean started dating. You'd grabbed one of his shirts to cover up when you thought Sam was about to walk in on you and Dean together. When Sam simply walked past your door, you had both burst out laughing. Dean grabbed you and gathered you into his arms. He resumed kissing your neck and shoulders from behind. Dean made his way up your neck and whispered in your ear that he loved seeing you in his shirt and that it looked sexy on you.
You smiled at the memory before the growling of your stomach brought you back to reality. There was a diner a few blocks down the road that looked alright so you grabbed some cash, your phone, and opened the door. As you tried to leave, you bumped into a large man and apologized before trying to step around him.
"Sorry Y/N." You looked up in time to see his eyes turn black. "You're not supposed to leave without the boss or Winchester." He gave you a sick smile.
"I'm just going to the diner down the street. I'm hungry." You were also way too tired to put up with this guy.
"That's not my problem."
"How about I call Dean and you can tell him why you won't let his girlfriend get some food?" You knew you only had a 50/50 shot at getting Dean to answer the phone, but the demon didn't need to know that.
"Go ahead." The demon shrugged and you bit your lip as you dug out your phone.
You hit Dean's number on speed dial. With every ring your anxiety rose until you finally hit voicemail.
"I told you to stop calling me, Sam." BEEP.
"Hey Dean, it's just me. One of Crowley's goons is outside of our room. He says I can't leave and I'm starving babe. Could you please do me a favor and call him off? I'll even pick you up a slice of pie from the diner. I love you." You doubted Dean would care about the pie but you wanted to show him that you were still thinking about him. You were still willing to do the little things for him that used to make him smile.
"I guess he must be busy." The demon chuckled and interrupted your thoughts.
You pursed your lips together. "He will call me back."
"Yeah. Sure Y/N." The demon leaned back against the wall near the door.
"I could just perform an exorcism you know."
The demon simply laughed at you. "Oh please. Spare me the theatrics." He leaned close to you. "Just in case you failed to notice, you're not with the Winchesters anymore. Dean may be here, but as long as he's riding with us, you're with Crowley. Now tell me, how well do you think any of those hunter tricks will go over? We tolerate you because you're the Winchester's plaything. But sooner or later, he will either get tired of you or you will break."
Sadness and anger crept in. You refused to let this demon see you cry. You refused to let him see that you were actually breaking little by little every day. You spoke to him with as much venom as you could before slamming the door. "He will call back and you will leave when he does if you have any fear of the first blade. Dean didn't care about demons before. What makes you think he would give a shit about killing you now?"
You flopped down on the bed still fighting tears. Your cell phone sat next to it as you stared at it, willing Dean to call back. After a few minutes, you turned on the TV in an attempt to drown out your own thoughts. You weren't sure last night, but now you were starting to think this was all the start of things getting a lot worse.
The TV was doing nothing for you. Instead, you went through your old texts and voicemails. It was like going back in time and reliving your relationship before you left the bunker. Partly because that's when the calls and texts stopped, as if he stayed dead. It was also partly because Dean didn't talk to you like that anymore. He didn't just text you to tell you he loved you anymore. He didn't call to ask if you wanted him to pick up your favorite snacks. He stopped sending you funny pictures to make you laugh when you were having a bad day.
The only texts and calls you'd received recently were from Sam and Cass. Dean didn't tell you not to answer them. Instead it seemed to be simply understood that there were only going to be two sides in this situation. You were either on Dean's side, or you weren't.
Castiel always seemed to call. The angel didn't like texting much. Cass's messages were your favorite out of the two. He would ask you to call him back with your location if you could. He asked you to watch out for Dean. But Castiel also asked you to take care of yourself. He asked how you were doing, if you were safe. You frowned when you noted that his messages progressively sounded wearier. It sounded like he was getting sick.
Sam's calls and texts were all mostly the same with varying degrees of desperation, anger, and sadness. He mainly asked where Dean was and for you to leave him any trail of breadcrumbs you could. He knew you were either still with Dean or dead. Sam had knew you enough to know that you would come to him for help or call if you lost Dean.
Your finger hovered over the 'call back' button for the hundredth time before you decided against it when you heard the door to the next room open and close. Crowley was back which meant Dean usually wasn't far behind. You went into the bathroom to clean up a little, you didn't want Dean to know you'd been crying. You weren't entirely sure if it was because you still didn't want him to feel guilty or because you couldn't stand to see him look at you as if he didn't care at all.
Whatever Crowley was doing, he was being loud about it and that only irritated you after his comments last night. You pounded on the wall you shared and shouted in an attempt to get him to quiet down. Of course it didn't work. Crowley never showed you any consideration, why start now? After a few minutes you looked decent enough and decided to step outside. Hopefully Crowley's goon would've found something better to do.
You were bitterly disappointed to see him still out there by the door. "You're seriously still here? You really have nothing better to do than sit outside and make sure I don't go out for a slice of pie?"
He sauntered towards you. "Orders. And yes, I have about a million other things I'd rather do than hang around this crappy motel. For instance, I'd rather be peeling the skin from your pretty little face or tearing out your tongue and feeding it to you. But instead, I am tasked with making sure you don't leave."
"And if I decide I want leave anyway? I'm sure you're under orders not to kill me. Dean won't be very happy if he comes back to me covered in bruises."
The demon licked his lips. "I've been given permission to be… creative." You took a step back from him and it was enough to give you a better view of the parking lot. Dean's car was back and parked around the corner which meant he couldn't be far.
"Keep your hands off of me. I'm calling Dean." You whipped out your phone and you were determined to get through to him. You hit voicemail the first time and hung up to try again. This would normally seem desperate, but the situation had gone too far.
You dialed again. As Crowley's door opened, you heard Dean's familiar ringtone coming from behind you. Your chest swelled with hope as you spun around smiling. "Dean!"
The next thing you saw nearly brought you to your knees. A blonde girl followed Dean out of Crowley's room and grabbed onto his arm smiling. It was like a punch to the gut and you fought to breathe, move, or just do anything other than stand there looking like an idiot.
"Hey Y/N. This is Lisa Marie. She works at the bar in town. We uh, met last night."
This chick seemed to be totally oblivious to what was going on as she reached out to shake your hand. "Nice to meet you Y/N. Dean didn't mention a sister."
"I… uh…" You didn't take her hand and tried to find something to say. "I just… Can I talk to you for a minute Dean?"
Dean told her to go on ahead. You didn't miss how he said he'd catch up with her later before walking into the room you shared.
"So what's up Y/N? You've been blowing up my phone."
You fought so hard against the anger, grief, sadness, and depression. This wasn't the Dean you knew, this was the mark. You told yourself this was when Dean's humanity needed you most and that he didn't need you yelling and crying. Not now. Not when it seemed so clear the mark was in control.
"D-demon. There's a demon outside the room. He won't let me leave."
"Yeah, we thought you could use some protection since you aren't joining us much anymore."
"Well, there's a couple problems with that. First, I'm hungry. He hasn't let me leave all day and I just want to get some grub at the diner. Second, Crowley chose a demon that would rather quote, 'tear my own tongue out and feed it to me' than protect me." You stood across the room with your arms folded across your chest.
Dean considered this for a moment before looking back at you. "Is there anything else, Y/N."
There was so much more you wanted to say. You continued to fight against the storm of emotions raging inside you. "I think Cass is sick. I just listened to a message and—"
"Cass is a big boy, I'm sure he can figure it out. He's not our problem anymore, Y/N." Dean clearly didn't want to hear about Castiel or Sam. He knew they were looking for him and he didn't want to be found.
He turned towards the door and motioned for the demon to come over. "Did you threaten Y/N?"
"I'm just following orders." The demon looked at Dean defiantly.
"Where in your orders does it say that it's ok to threaten her?" Dean's voice was low and dangerous.
"Crowley left some things up to… interpretation." The demon was trying to reason with Dean. You knew he was well past reasoning at this point.
Dean nodded and you watched him grasp the First Blade behind his back. "I see. Well interpret this." He stabbed the demon in the neck. "No one threatens her." Dean turned to his left and spoke to someone outside of the room. "You! You saw all of that?"
A woman cautiously approached Dean. "Y-yes."
"Good. Clean up the mess before someone calls the cops. You've got his job now." You figured the place must be crawling with Crowley's minions. Dean turned to look towards you. "And if she wants to go to the diner, let her. You can see it from here and we've got someone inside."
"Y-yes sir." The woman began to haul the body away.
"Don't worry about Lisa Marie. I told her not to get attached." With that Dean shut the door and left you alone. Again.
