Chapter 2
Have you forgotten, how to love yourself?
-Red House Painters, Have You Forgotten
Peeta stood in the kitchen, slicing the length of a tuber I'd dug from the Meadow that morning. His back enlarged as he inhaled. "Peeta," I murmured.
The discs of potato lay in a clean row on the counter. The knife paused. "Peeta, did I say something wrong?" I pleaded.
He turned to face me, his blue eyes misty and his blond hair matted and dirty. His lips are parted, but the words refuse to come out. We stand in checkmate, watching an ongoing film of our relationship scroll between us. I understand then what I said wrong.
How capricious had I been! How could I have not known what Peeta was referring to when he asked me to undo everything that had been done. I thought of the night that I had been at his house for dinner, about seven months ago, when he had put his fork down to look up at me with eyes all black and dripping lustily for my flesh.
"You swine," he panted.
"Peeta, Peeta, stop. This isn't real. This isn't real. What's real is that you and I are friends, we help each other, Peeta, that's what real."
He grunted a laugh. "You can't fool me. You are my enemy, you are the Capitol's enemy. You filthy pig, you... lecherous slut."
He stood up, towering above me. He was holding his knife from dinner. "Peeta," I stammered. "Peeta, we are friends. Peeta, believe me. The Capitol has brainwashed you, this isn't real, what you remember isn't real!"
Peeta laughed, but it sounded more like marbles being poured into a tin can. Synthetic, manufactured, capital.
"Peeta," I stammered as he wraps his hands around my neck. I felt the pressure of his fingertips against the firm tissues of my throat. "Don't do this."
He applied force. "Peeta... I love you."
His pupils returned to normal, his veins unwound, and Peeta dropped me to the floor. "Katniss, I'm so sorry I've hurt you."
I smiled softly. "It's alright, Peeta. You could never really hurt me."
And now he faced me with his hurt blue eyes and I understand how I have misspoken.
Peeta registered my expression of understanding. "Katniss, you know what you said."
"I do," I whispered, soft a child awaiting punishment. He ran a hand through his hair.
"I don't know what to do with you, Katniss. I mean, you and I, we are all each other has left. Unless you want to seek solace in Haymitch or something, then be my guest, but I don't understand how you think you can just act like we don't have a history because we do. We fucking do." I recoiled when he curses. He rarely swore, and when he did it was only because he meant it to hit close to home, to strike a cord. "And you can't just walk around me being... being yourself and act like I don't feel a thing anymore. Or that you don't feel a thing anymore, because I know you do feel something, Katniss, you have to."
I stood frozen in the hardened air around me. He looked at me expectantly. You don't feel a thing anymore, you don't feel a thing anymore, you don't feel a thing anymore. "Peeta," I said slowly. "I'm just not who I was then. I don't know what I feel anymore. I don't know if I'm capable to opening myself up to feeling anymore because all it's ever gotten me was hurt. And I know that I sound melodramatic, but after everything we've been through, I don't know if I'm up to loving anyone right now."
"But the Capitol, President Snow can't hurt us anymore. This time you can feel because you can't get hurt anymore. There's no one left to hurt you and I'm not leaving this time, Katniss. I'm not going anywhere." He takes a large step towards me, wrapping his hands around my clasped fist. I bit my knuckle softly and let my hands slide out from his.
"I just can't make myself vulnerable right now, not to you."
"Not to me?" Peeta said. His voice sounded raw and wounded. "Katniss, you know I would never intentionally hurt you...," he began.
"Peeta, I know that. But you know me as a strong, proud, soldier. The mockingjay, the revolutionary. And knowing that you want that version of me back, that might be what it takes to resurrect that spirit within me because I know that it still lives there, somewhere soft between the bones of my spine. And I want to be that girl, the girl you loved and the girl who loved you."
Peeta laughed. "Katniss, you're an idiot if you think that I only loved the girl from the Hunger Games. I loved you then, certainly, but I loved you when I threw you those loaves of bread through the rain. You don't need to build yourself up to anything, you just need to let me be a part of who you are right now."
Outsmarted again. Peeta certainly knew how to weave his way around my neurosis. "Peeta, I want to let you in. I'm just beginning to learn how."
"Fine then. I'll wait. I'll wait here for you to figure it out. But you'll have to figure it out eventually, Katniss," Peeta said, with resolve sparkling in his eyes like mica. "Because I'm not going anywhere."
Sorry this is short. Working hard to establish a storyline. Please R&R.
