When Rachel sees Jesse next, it's across the room at breakfast; she cranes her neck to see him. He seems to be muttering to himself, and she suspects that, although he is sitting by himself, today he is not truly alone. In a way, she knows how he feels, but in another, she has no idea at all. He stares down at his plate, dragging his fork through the yolk of an egg. Rachel watches it burst, and he looks up at her, then, as though he had sensed her staring at him. She gives him a shaky smile, but his look is grave.
Rachel looks away, pretending that she hadn't been staring—hadn't been searching for a reason to get up and go sit with him. They always sat together, but not today.
When she tries to catch his eye again, he's gone. The eggs remain on his plate.
Rachel spent hours washing the egg residue from her hair. The egging had shaken her up, but in a way she knew why he had done it. That's why she'd told him to do it. She told him to break it, because Vocal Adrenaline was standing there, and those were the people who controlled Jesse, when it came down to it. Yes, there was Shelby; she was their coach and mentor, but peer pressure was the driving force behind Vocal Adrenaline. That was why they dressed the same, moved as a group, and were in-tune enough to finish one another's sentences. It wasn't even a particularly affectionate group, but Jesse was inextricably connected to these people. Rachel understood that.
And she could never, never tear him away from them.
In the main room, the one with the pale yellow walls, Rachel sees Jesse every evening. True, in the last few evenings, their discussion has been sparse. Ever since his outburst in the art room, he has been less talkative than usual, and she gets the feeling that when he speaks, it isn't him speaking. But he's always been there, even when he's brooding.
But today, he's nowhere to be found. She comes in around seven in the evening, after finishing dinner late, and she looks for him; she sees everyone else. Santana, Brittany, and Quinn are playing a board game (although Quinn's pieces have to be moved for her, because her hands shake too much). Finn and Kurt are whispering in the corner, and Rachel would swear that Kurt is looking Finn up and down like a piece of meat, even though he isn't; she's always had the strange feeling that he had this massive crush on Finn, but nobody else sees it. Even Jesse doesn't, and they nearly always have the same opinions on things.
Sam is bent over a desk and scribbling something in his notebook, probably some kind of terrible fiction about death or something.
Everyone else is scattered around the room, doing whatever they do to pass time. Rachel has always thought that none of them really liked her, although they have not, in reality, shown her any animosity. But she remembers the things they've said to her, about her being annoying, and being a diva. She does, even if nobody else does.
Rachel looks again at Kurt and Finn, who look up every once in a while to stare at her. At least, that's what she thinks is going on. She wonders what they're saying about her.
She turns away, clenching her hands; nobody likes it when she accuses them of talking about her. They always deny it.
But Jesse isn't in the room, and Rachel is starting to panic a little. If Jesse were checking out, he'd tell her. But his parents don't really seem to want him around much, and he can't exactly leave on his own, because he just turned seventeen, and if he isn't here—where could he be?
So she swallows her pride and walks toward Kurt and Finn, because—out of anyone, they were most likely to be nice to her.
"Hi," she says.
They smile in return, and both mumble greetings.
"Listen, Rachel…" Kurt says, and he reaches out a hand to touch her shoulder. "We're sorry about Jesse. We know you—"
Rachel blinks rapidly as he hesitates; she knows why he can't just say that she's his best friend, and he's hers. Because Rachel sometimes calls him her boyfriend and sometimes she doesn't. And it breaks her heart that sometimes Jesse pulls her close and kisses her for hours, and sometimes he's shy and mellow and he does nothing more than hold her hand (as a friend). It's so… confusing.
"What are you sorry about?" she asks, already feeling like she can't handle what might come next.
Kurt exchanges a significant look with Finn.
"They… found him this morning. In his room," Finn says gently.
Rachel can feel something inside of her clench. She finds it hard to breathe.
"Is he—"
"We don't know. They won't tell—"
But Rachel isn't listening anymore. She's turning and she's running out of the room, into the hallway. She doesn't even know where she's going, but she's running bodily into an orderly and falling to the floor, and images of Jesse swim in her hazy vision, blurred by the tears she can already feel. Rachel has always been emotional; she cries when she sings solos, she has been known to yell at Finn, or Jesse, or anyone about how much they're hurting her, but this is like nothing she's ever felt before. She's being absolutely torn apart.
And the worst thing is that the orderly doesn't have any idea where Jesse is, or if he's alive, and nobody else will tell her, when they come and hold her arms away from her body, and when they carry her back to her room, and all she wants is a few answers. But nobody has them.
Rachel didn't see Jesse again until he performed with Vocal Adrenaline at Regionals. She stood in the back and watched them; even after they had all come together as a club, she didn't really feel welcome to the hospital with the rest of them. Besides, she had to see him. There was a pressing need in her to see him perform, even though he was back with them. No—she understood, she really did. They had their hands on him, and she had been unable—and always would be unable—to tear him away from them.
But still, there was a part of her that realized that this wasn't the real Jesse. The real Jesse wasn't that much of a showman. No, he liked to perform, but the Jesse she knew preferred a piano and his voice, and he wasn't that theatrical. This Jesse—the one looking at the crowd that cockily… she didn't recognize him.
It was probably also because of the members of Vocal Adrenaline constantly behind him, around him, voices merging with his.
She was relieved when they finished.
