A/N - i'm sorry i haven't updated for some time, stuff happened, but that stuff made this chapter a little easier to write in some ways. so yeah this chapter is entirely Chloe, Beca's version will be up next time. enjoy, please review, your kind words make it alot better to write because it feels like your valued as a writer. - H x
You miss her. So much. You wake up screaming and crying. You relive that night over and over and over again. There was so much you could've done differently, every time you close your eyes the accident replays in slow motion, the way Jess screamed from her car seat when headlights blared into the car, the way she put her arm across your chest to stop you from lurching forward as you tried your hardest to turn the wheel, to no success. The way everything seemed to go dead silent and excruciatingly loud at the same time. The way she never let go of your hand or dropped your eye contact until she... left. It seemed like hours and hours until the paramedics got there, Jess was unconscious in the back, neither woman could bring themselves to look behind them, a branch from a tree had burst through the windscreen and implanted itself into her chest. You had your hand pressed to the edges of the wound, trying everything to stop the bleeding but it was no use. She cupped your face and stared into your eyes before slipping away.
You try shaking your head to shake away the memory and the pain, it kills you every single day. Giving up you throw the covers off of your room, throwing a glance at all the photo frames lying face down around the room, the guilt is too much to bare as it is, seeing pictures of when they were happy would be overkill. Pulling your wheelchair closer you drops herself into it and wheels into the kitchen. There's no food in the house, there hasn't been for a long time now, only coffee and liquor. Getting drunk is the worst part of the whole ordeal, the drink helps you to forget the pain and only focus on the love you had for the two of them, but getting drunk fills you with white hot rage as you remember the asshole who hit you was also blind drunk and if it wasn't for him you'd still be a happy family. You're no better than him. You think to yourself. Deciding to make a pot of coffee instead of taking the bottle of vodka, you get your mug and place yourself onto the couch. Eventually at some time around 4am you fall asleep and continue to dream.
"Yes mum I promise we'll come round for dinner next Sunday" Chloe shouted jokingly to her mother as her and Stacie were halfway out of the door. Jess was half asleep in Stacie's arms, Chloe leant down and pecked a kiss to the tiny brunettes forehead. "I'm gonna put her in the car babe" Stacie whispered, letting go of her fiancé's hand to go and strap their daughter in for the journey home. As the leggy brunette walked out the house Chloe couldn't help but stare "I am so lucky" she breathed, a hand placed on her shoulder made her turn around to see her mother stood there with tears in her eyes. "my Baby," she choked "i am so happy for you too, and your own baby, you two are made for each other. I can't wait to see you both on your wedding day, whatever help you need for planning you let me know okay? Anything for my gorgeous family" The women embraced tightly, both crying quietly, "I love you so much mum" Chloe said as a throat cleared from the door, Stacie was stood there with an adorable smirk on her face which nearly melted Chloe's heart. "Now Anna," Stacie said addressing her soon to be mother in law, "I hope you aren't stealing my gorgeous wife to be away from me before we've even had the ceremony?!" she joked, outstretching her arms and hugging both the women. "I wouldn't dream of it sweetie" Anna said as Stacie gave her a kiss on the cheek. The couple took eachothers hand and walked toward the car where their daughter was waiting, "We'll see you Sunday mamma" Chloe said waving to her mother as she checked Jess was okay.
They were driving back now on the motorway, talking to Jess about fantasies and fairies and goblins. Stacie was a fantastic writer and artist and had written a few children's books, Jess loved them and apparently so did a lot of people by the amount she sold! Stacie was creating a story for Jess as Chloe drove, talking of evil witches and beautiful unicorns of the purest white. "Hey Stace?" Chloe interrupted, having just remembered something she wanted to ask her future wife, "Mhmm?" Stacie replied sleepily. "i was thinking about the wedding... what are we gonna do about your mum and dad?" she didn't want to ask her but she knew there was no choice, it had to be talked about. Stacie, clearly not having the same view as Chloe answered, "What d'ya mean?"
"Well we can't seat them together so who's going to sit where?" Stacie was getting annoyed, Chloe could see that but there was no easy way to talk about the issue. "Why can't we sit them together? Your parents are divorced and they're sitting together!" Chloe rolled her eyes and tightened her hands on the steering wheel. "Stacie the last time your parents were at the same table we got kicked out of a restaurant. It might not be how yours work but my parents can at least be civil on a day like that." she mentally facepalmed at her words. Stacie was clearly very angry, "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" she all but shouted, waking up Jess who had not long nodded off, "are you trying to say something about my family? We couldn't all grow up with rich mummy's and daddy's Chloe, most people have to work for their living. So i'm sorry if my folks can't deal with all this happy family bullsh-" "MUUUUUUUUM" Jess screamed as a car was suddenly swerving all over the road ahead in the wrong direction with an awful lot of speed. Chloe was trying to brake hard but there wasn't enough time, the car was heading straight for them. When it hit, the noise was agonising. Chloe's car ricocheted backwards and she tried to move the car a different way but a car from behind hadn't seen the incident and accidentally clipped the back of their car. All of a sudden they were falling, falling, falling down a bank right for a huge tree. She couldn't hear anything over than the noise of the collision ringing in her ears, until there was another smash and a gasp as a branch came straight through into Stacie's chest. The car had finally stopped. "Stace? Baby look at me, look at me Stacie focus on me!" Chloe was pleading for her to take her eyes away from where the branch went into her flesh where a quickly growing red patch was spreading across her shirt. Stacie lifted her gaze and met Chloe's crystal blue eyes, instantly calming her down and making her forget the shitty situation they were in. "Shhh I'm fine" She said as she lifted a hand and cupped the gingers face and wiped the tears away with her thumb. She started coughing and blood began to drip out of her mouth. Chloe didn't look away from her eyes as she said "Jess? Jess baby you okay?" there was no response and Chloe started to shake with sobs, Stacie grabbed her hand and ran her thumb across Chloe's knuckles, knowing it always calms her. "Everything's gonna be okay baby I promise." Chloe shook her head and tried to turn herself around, "Stacie?" Chloe asked with shock, "I can't feel my legs!" Stacie repeated herself, "Don't worry you will be fine, it's nothing, just concentrate on the sound of my voice okay Chlo'?" Chloe shut her eyes and took a deep calming breath. As she opened her eyes, a large gust of wind came and the car seemed to shift in its position, going further into the base of the tree, the branch went further into Stacie's chest and blood was now pouring out of her chest, she was coughing and spluttering blood but never looked away from Chloe's eyes, wanting them to be the last thing she would ever see. Stacie's eyes widened in pain and then drooped with tiredness, she'd lost too much blood, she wouldn't be able to stay awake much longer. "Don't you dare die on me Stacie Conrad. No. You can't leave me, you know I hate doing laundry and that I can't cook for shit, I wouldn't last 5 minutes without you!" she tried to joke but the tears were making it hard to see the funny side. Stacie gripped her hand tighter and took in a raspy breath, breathing out the whispered "I love you Chloe" and she spluttered one last time before her eyes seemed to glaze over and her body went limp. "NO! NONONO" Chloe screamed and shouted. "STACIE! PLEASE COME BACK TO ME" Her voice was ripping her throat to shreds but she didn't care, she was punching the steering wheel, the window, herself, nothing was working to even slightly take away this unbearable ache in her heart, like a hole had been punched through it and ripped a chunk away, that chunk being her fiancé and daughter, her lover, her bestfriend, her family, her everything. The two people who mattered more to her than anything in the whole world had been snatched from her grasp. Her screams continued for eternity in her mind and eventually sirens could be heard in the distance. The screeching ringing in her mind getting louder and louder until the sound was deafening like the sirens were actually in her mind. She screamed again, waking herself out of the nightmare, covered in a sheet of sweat, shaking from head to toe. Her hair was stuck to her forehead from the sweat and she thought she was going to be sick. The second she opened her eyes she looked down at her left hand and let out a breath of relief as she saw the silver engagement ring still in place, she very carefully slipped it off of her finger to look at the engraving. On the inside of the ring in beautiful cursive script she knew was Stacie's handwriting, said 'you're my lady jam red x'.
Chloe had always loved how Stacie had such a way with words, it broke her heart she would never hear them again. No one should ever have to miss someone the way Chloe missed Stacie. Or Jess, she wasn't biologically hers, but Chloe loved that child wholeheartedly like she was her own, and now she was gone. She missed everything imaginable about Stacie. The way her eyes changed colour depending on how she was feeling, or the fact that she always got confused no matter what they were talking about. Chloe missed the way Stacie's hair was always curly and how much she hated it, despite Chloe finding it insanely hot. She missed how Stacie would never leave the house without a pair of earphones, her phone and a pack of gum. She missed how pissed her and Stacie would get and she would always end up vomiting all over the place. She missed the walks they used to have at 3am when they were too stoned and had no idea where they were because they couldn't see properly. She missed the heated discussions they would get into about who was the hottest character in a TV show. She missed the fucking adorable smile Stacie would do when she was happy despite trying to act like she was so unaffected by everything that went on in life. She missed how strongly Stacie felt about people's rights and the fact that she would punch someone if they said something even remotely offensive to any kind of people. She missed her heart and how big it was. She missed the piece of her own heart that Stacie took with her. She missed her. The void Stacie created was permanent and right now Chloe had no problem with that. Why would she ever look for another when Stacie was everything she had ever needed?
Not bothering to wipe the tears which joined her every morning, she wheeled herself into the bathroom and made herself look remotely clean before going to the hospital, she had physio today and was by no means looking forward to it. She also had that stupid fucking group therapy shit to go to afterwards. Having to look at a fake smile plastered on some preppy blonde idiot surrounded by a bunch of people who felt just as awful as she did, was not how she wanted to spend her day. The only positive was getting to see that, Beca? Was that her name? She intrigued Chloe and that was something she wasn't used to considering her emotionally numb state of mind. She hoped the distraction would be good for her, all she could do was sit and mope at home and it was self destructive, she knew she needed a friend but the pit of sadness she liked to wallow in was far too inviting. She felt bad for Beca, the girl lost her sister which is heartbreaking, Chloe understood that pain. Maybe they'd be good for eachother, she hoped they would be. She smiled at the thought just before shutting the door behind herself and going to the hospital.
follow me on tumblr everyone! url: you-know-i-speak-whale
