Author's Note: Thanks for the lovely reviews on chapter one, folks! It's always nice to hear when you're happy with something :)
I had planned to wrap this in one additional chapter but the final draft was forty pages, and it was just too much to proof at once. As I said on Tumblr, my eye was twitching just looking at the page count. Sooo, instead of wrapping in two, we're doing a three shot for sienna's sanity :)
FYI, through the end of this, there is a bit of explicit smuttiness. I know for some people that's a bonus :) but I have also known others who have said they prefer to skim that stuff, so I always give the advisory. You'll know it when you get there.
Also, a SEPARATE important advisory unrelated to their happy sex, is that there are also some sensitive points covered (again through to the end of the story) as relates to Carol's sex life with Ed. I wrote it with the intention of it being a little uncomfortable because it would have felt false to not feel some discomfort being in her head, but it's not written to be genuinely "upsetting." Obviously personal experiences will dictate one person's discomfort to another's truly upsetting, but I personally felt it stayed well over on the right side of the line. There are no detailed scenes of an assault (I do NOT write rape fics, FYI), mostly it's just a few quick allusions from her memories. Plus there are some elements of how she reacts to things because of that past with him, because I felt it would be a disserve to not attempt to 'realistically' (such as realism applies here) try to process Carol's feelings of anticipation about being in a new loving relationship, against her ingrained behaviors and reactions learned from her abusive relationship, when she hasn't had time to really start healing yet from what Ed did to her. Remember, we're picking up just days later. And yes, I usually do these longer notes at the end, but I felt like this was important enough to cover up front in a little more detail about what's coming, because there's always someone out there who needs to be careful what they read for their own well being, and you don't want to be an ass about that kind of thing. It's kind of my life motto, just don't be an ass. Now picture it in Latin :)
So, moving on now, direct pickup!
Life, From Scratch
Carol found that in the silence, her whisper did carry down the corridor, because Daryl suddenly froze there in the middle of it. And as he slowly turned to look over his shoulder, she realized that this was it.
She needed to be brave.
So even though she was now out, barefoot, about to stumble into something she was not prepared to handle, she took a deep breath . . . and started down the hall. And when Daryl turned to face her then instead of immediately backing away . . . because she could just picture that happening . . . her confidence grew.
Slightly.
So she continued on down to where he was standing, in the shadowy, after hours lighting.
When she finally stopped in front of him, she could see how wide his eyes were. There were questions there . . . that spark of hope was back too.
And that's what pushed her over the top.
She decided that rather than attempting to speak the words that she still didn't have, she'd just try to show him what she was feeling instead. Either way at least she'd know if they were ready to pick up and move forward. So before she lost her nerve, she popped up onto her tiptoes, and pressed a hard kiss onto some surprisingly soft lips.
Unfortunately, it immediately became apparent that she'd caught Daryl completely off guard.
Because he actually let out a grunt of "whoa," as he stumbled backwards a step and they broke apart . . . it was a moment of absolute mortification. And seeing him blink in shock as he looked down at her, she was so embarrassed that her hand flew up to her mouth, as her skin burned.
"Oh God, I'm sorry!" she choked out right before she spun around to run back to her room. But she didn't get more than two steps before she felt a strong arm catch her around the waist.
Daryl pulled her back to his chest.
"No," he breathed into her ear, "no, it's okay. Don't go. You just caught me by surprise, is all. I didn't know you were gonna do that."
"Yeah well, I did I do that," she sniffled out, trying so hard to ignore how good it felt to be pressed against him, "and now I'd like to go back to my room. So if you can please let me go."
When she asked him to let go, Daryl's arm immediately fell away. But before she could take another step, he'd had popped around in front of her.
He was leaning down to catch her eyes.
"Oh, please don't cry, darlin'," he murmured sadly, "you didn't do nothin' wrong. And if you just stay a second I think I can make it better."
She blinked and sniffled and shook her head.
"How are you going to make it . . .?"
Before she could get the whole question choked out, her lips were suddenly meeting Daryl's again. And even though he'd caught her as much off guard as she'd caught him, he had at least anticipated what had gone wrong the last time. At least that's why she was assuming his arm had snaked around her waist.
So she wouldn't trip back.
The kiss itself though, that was . . . interesting. Not bad, or good, just sort of a peck, but a little more insistent than that. And when Daryl pulled away, his arm also fell back to his side, and he had a curious look on his face. It very likely matched the one that she was wearing on her own face. Because she wasn't quite sure what was happening, except that it was wonderful and strange at the same time. It felt like she was twelve years old and practicing kissing in the closet with Tommy Doolittle while they played that game 'Seven Minutes in Heaven.' Except now she wasn't twelve, and Daryl Dixon was the kind of man that scrawny little Tommy Doolittle only could have dreamed about growing into.
And when she reached up to wipe a tear from the corner of her eye, she could see Daryl's jaw begin to twitch, like he was working something out in his head. Whatever it was, he seemed to come up with a solution. Because then he leaned in again. That time he let his hand fall to her hip, and when he tilted his head, and pressed his lips to hers, the sensation was much softer and more real. Before it was like he was trying to figure out what she wanted . . . maybe because of how horribly awkward her own kiss had been . . . and now he was just going more on instinct. And then she felt his mouth open a little.
She couldn't resist doing the same.
There was no tongue on either side, but he did suck on her bottom lip just enough to make it wet. And tasting him there, with the little tingles that he brought, suddenly made her feel ridiculously happy. So much so, that when he finally pulled away, her eyes were shining again as she looked up at him with a big smile.
"You did that a lot better than I did," she whispered. And even though he looked pleased by her reaction . . . his eyes crinkled . . . she saw the faintest blush hit his cheeks too.
Then he looked over her shoulder. And while he was still staring off at something behind her . . . he began to speak.
"I ain't good at talking about stuff," he murmured, "especially stuff like this, but," his gaze bounced back to hers, "I've been missing you. A lot. But I also know," he continued on with a tip of his head, "that you're coming off being with a bad man. So if you got reasons for not to wantin' to . . ."
"No," Carol cut in with a squeak the second she realized what he was about to say, "no, I don't have reasons. I'm just so grateful he's gone, and I um, uh," she started to stammer slightly, "well, I've been missing you too." Her voice faded, "every day actually."
His eyes widened.
"Yeah?"
There was so much hope in his voice, he sounded almost like a little kid. So even though she still felt completely out of sorts trying to express all these things in her head, and her heart, somehow she started to find her way.
"Yeah," she whispered back as her expression softened, "and I'm really scared right now saying this out loud, because I don't want to look stupid, but," she swallowed, "I wasted half my life with Ed, and Sophia's the only good thing to come out of all those years. So if you and me are maybe on the same page now with what we want," her eyes started to water again, "then I don't want to be too afraid to start over," her voice cracked, "I just want to try to be happy for a little while."
That time Daryl didn't say anything. But what he did do was reach out to slide his arm around her waist, and pull her over to his chest. For a second he just held her close as she sniffled into his shirt. But then finally she felt him take a breath right before he tipped his head down, and whispered in her ear.
"You know the first day you showed up in camp, I thought you were the prettiest girl I'd seen since long before the world ended."
His words made her feel warm and happy, but still, she couldn't help but tip her head back to give him a watery, faintly amused, eye roll. Because she was picturing the other women in camp, and she knew the Harrison sisters alone took the top spots on that list. So she huffed out a, "you stop," as she brought her hand up to touch her mouth.
"Ain't gonna stop," Daryl immediately growled back to Carol, because he hated how she looked down on herself so much, "I'm bein' honest." He gave her a look, "and here's more honest. You're a good mama, a good cook, a good person, and," he shook his head as he brought his hand up to cup her jaw, "you're much too kind to people who don't deserve it," his voice faded, "like me."
Seeing one of the tears in Carol's eyes start to slide down her cheek, Daryl moved his hand up to catch it.
He brushed it away.
"Basically you're the best thing going," he continued softly, "and I know it wasn't okay the way I left you that day. I made you cry and I felt real bad about that. So don't be thinkin' I came knocking on your door tonight anything less than on my knees, praying somehow I'd come up with the words to get you back." Then he bit his lip as his brow knitted together.
"Am I getting close?"
"Yeah," she sniffled back with laugh, and a teary smile, "you're actually already there!"
"Well, good," he answered with a relieved exhale, "I'm real glad to hear that. So I'm gonna kiss you again now, okay?"
Carol's eyes crinkled then as she giggled, "actually, you can kiss me all you want! You don't need to ask!"
Seeing the smile pull at the corner of his mouth, made her so happy that she found herself meeting him halfway for that kiss. Because now that she'd gotten a taste of him, all she wanted was more.
Apparently Daryl was of the same mindset.
Because this kiss became a lot more passionate than their last. There was tongue and moaning and somehow they ended up with her against the wall, with her arms around his neck. Then his hands were under her top, sliding along her skin, and as she felt his fingertips on one hand reach the curve of her breast, his thigh suddenly pressed in between her legs . . . opening them up.
It was when Carol realized that she was starting to rub herself against him in a way that was shameful to do out in the open, that she suddenly pulled away with a gasp of, "wait! Stop!"
And he immediately jumped back .
"I'm sorry," he panted, now looking absolutely horrified, "I'm sorry! I shouldn't of . . ."
But Carol quickly cut him off by pressing a finger to his lips.
"No," she gave him a breathless smile, "no, I just meant we can't do this here. We're in the hallway."
Given how his eyes were already looking a little glazed with desire, it clearly took a second for what she'd said to sink in. But then they suddenly widened as he looked around.
"Oh shit yeah," Daryl huffed as his hand came up to scrub across his mouth . . . he had a bit of spittle there, "it's so quiet I forgot for a second. So um," his teeth sunk into his lower lip as he looked down at the pretty pink in Carol's cheeks, and the way her skin was peeking out from where her shirt was crumpled up around her waist. And God, that had felt good to touch her that way!
Now he just had to pray she'd felt as good GETTIN' touched that way!
"So uh," he blinked and looked down, trying to get his head on straight for a second, "did you wanna, um," he made a half gesture down the hall, "come over to my room or um . . .?"
And he kind of trailed off, because he wasn't sure what to say there for another option, mostly because he didn't want to PUT another option in her brain! Which was why, even though he was almost positive what her answer was going to be, he couldn't deny the relief he felt when Carol immediately nodded her head.
"Yep," she reached out to touch his chest, "absolutely. I just need to," and she tipped her head back down the hall, "leave Sophia a note in case she wakes up." Her eyes crinkled slightly, "I don't want her to get scared, you know?"
"Right," he nodded, "yeah, course. And um," his brow wrinkled a bit then, "I guess just so we're on that uh, same page thing you said." He tipped his head, "you do wanna be my girl, right? Because I wanted to get you back like before, and I ain't gonna pretend like it won't be real nice to have sex, but mostly just what I wanted was," he swallowed, "you. I just want you to be around all the time."
Christ, it was hard as shit trying to talk about this stuff, mostly 'cuz he'd never had to DO it before! All the women he'd been with in the past, they mostly were just him getting together with some chick to screw. There might have been a couple along the way who were sort of sweet, but nobody who had ever really made him feel anything special. Not like Carol. Being away from her this week had been horrible, because when he was near her he felt happy, and basically everything else just made him feel like dyin'. So with him leaving her when he had, he'd ended up with almost a whole week of living in a world of shit even before Merle got dumped in the city. That though, was what had made it so clear to him that he couldn't go back to being a miserable son of a bitch all by himself.
He needed her just to get by.
And if her shit husband hadn't gotten killed by those walkers when he had, Daryl would have done something to him anyway. 'Cuz the days of standing by and letting people he cared about get kicked around, those were done for good. It was the only way he was gonna live with himself. Because he'd been BLESSED to find someone like Carol, a person who gave him a reason to want to keep gettin' up every day. Out here at the end of everything, and he got something amazing.
Because she was amazing.
And besides him just falling so hard for her, and getting so attached, pairin' off official was the smart thing to do. Because with Carol and her girl understood to be his, and sharing his space, he could do a lot better job of looking after 'em. Also, he'd have a woman to lay down with each night. He took a breath.
That would be something new.
Feeling a sob starting to rise in her chest at Daryl's declaration, Carol had to bring her hand up to cover her mouth.
"Thank you for saying that so clear," she choked back while giving him a bright, watery, smile, "because it's just what I want too. So yeah," she reached over to press her hand to his chest, right over his heart, "I'll be your girl. But," and then she sobered slightly, "you do remember you get the two of us, right? You're ready for that?"
It was one thing to work out what they wanted just for themselves, it was another thing when them being together kind of made an instant family for Daryl. That was why she was so relieved with how clearly he'd stated that he wanted her to be with him all the time. It meant that he was more likely to be ready to commit to taking care of her daughter too. And she could see in how his expression was softening as he reached out to touch her cheek that it seemed like he had already given Sophia some thought.
"I know you're a package deal, Carol," he answered then with a stroke of his thumb along her jaw, "and to be honest I don't have much background with kids, but," he nodded seriously, "I seen you raised up a nice girl, and I promise I'll be good to her, and do the best I can to keep her safe, just the same as I will you."
"Well," Carol's mouth twisted in a sad smile, "you promising that, is already more than her daddy ever did for her, so," she nodded, "thank you. And I guess that means we're officially um, well," her nose wrinkled, "I don't know what we'd call it these days, but whatever it is," her eyes crinkled, "that's what we are. So, uh," she let out a slow breath as she started to back up, "I'll go write that note, and then," her eyes crinkled, "I'll come find you."
"Okay then," Daryl answered with a nod and a flash of a full grin, which was something she'd never seen on him before . . . he looked adorable. "I'm down there on the left," he continued on with a jerk his thumb over his shoulder, "right at the end. Just come on down when you're ready."
"Yeah," she bit her lip, "I just need a couple minutes."
"All right," he answered with a serious nod, "but I'll wait no matter how long you'll be."
His words brought a light flush to her cheeks. And though she wanted to say something to him about that, just how nice he made her feel, she was afraid that she'd end up sounding foolish somehow. So instead of speaking again, she just gave him a little smile as she brought her hand up in a half wave.
Then she turned and started to hurry back down the hall.
It was just before she reached her room, that she heard Daryl call out softly.
"You know I just realized I don't have any condoms."
And she spun around on her heel, to see that he was chewing on his lip as he walked closer. It was clear that condom point was really bothering him. So her brow wrinkled as she looked down for a second, before she looked back up and shrugged.
"It's already the end of the world," she said with a soft smile, "so I don't think the disease stuff matters much anymore."
Daryl's eyes widened then as he stopped short a few feet in front of her.
"Oh no," he shook his head, "I don't have nothing like that. I mean," he rolled his eyes, "I don't have nothing period. I was just thinking of," and he gestured towards her midsection, "babies. I mean if it happens," he tipped his head to the side, "I don't think I'd freak out too much. Well," his nose wrinkled, "maybe a little though. So guess you should know that now, but," he shook his head, "I wouldn't leave you, or do nothing else shitty like that." Then he paused for a second before he kind of a laughed a bit and looked around to the walls of their concrete bunker.
"But hell," he snorted, "where would I even go if I tried to leave?!"
Carol grinned up at him.
"That's a good point," she chuckled, "you are literally trapped here with me!"
Then she stepped forward and leaned up on her tiptoes, to give him a quick kiss. And when she stepped back, she brought both of her hands up to cup his jaw. Her lip quirked up.
"Thank you for being honest though." She continued on in a whisper, "and to be honest myself," her eyes crinkled, "I'd probably freak out a little too, but now that we've talked about it as a possibility, I think it's less scary. So I'll say a prayer and you cross your fingers, and if it happens," she shrugged, "it happens."
All those years with Ed, she had actually gotten pregnant three times before Sophia. But those other babies she'd lost in the first few months because Ed had literally beat them out of her. When he'd found out she was expecting (it was only the first time she was stupid enough to share that news voluntarily) he'd punched her repeatedly in the gut while she screamed and screamed, and then finally started to bleed.
That was his sick version of birth control.
Oddly enough though, she never seemed to have any permanent damage down there from those hits, because she continued to get pregnant pretty easily. It was when she'd had another missed period just after Sophia's first birthday . . . Sophia was the one baby she'd hid from him long enough for it to survive through that first crucial trimester , then he just let it go . . . that she went to the free clinic to read the pamphlets, and then three days later she'd had the abortion. After that she went back to that clinic faithfully, just to get birth control pills. She'd hated having the abortion and she'd hated taking those pills, but there had been no real choice in either of those situations. Because it wasn't until after her daughter was born, and Ed had started to share those beatings with her too, that Carol had realized how unbelievably selfish and cruel she'd been bringing a baby into that house. So she'd just been terrified of bringing another child into the world to suffer the same way. But all along, she'd still had normal checkups even after Sophia had started to grow up, so Carol had no reason to think she was any less fertile now than she had been before. Yes, she was a little older, but still a good five years out from menopause, so babies were very much on the table.
So to speak.
And she could tell from Daryl's slow nod that he seemed to be good now that they'd had the talk. Though she was glad that he'd thought to mention it here, before they got to a more awkward point in the evening.
One where they likely would have had to stop something so they could walk it through.
With that handled though, she reached out and gave his bare chest a quick pat as she whispered, "three minutes," then she turned and hurried down the last few feet to her room.
She grabbed the doorknob.
Once she was inside and had the door closed and locked . . . locking doors had become an ingrained habit once dead people had started getting up and walking around . . . for a moment she just stood there in the small pool of light being thrown from the desk lamp she'd been reading by earlier. Because now that she was alone again, her heart was starting to race almost as fast as her brain was.
She just couldn't believe that she was about to go have SEX with Daryl!
It had been thirteen years since she'd been with any man besides Ed, and it had been about two months since she'd even been with him. God that was a blessing though, because for most of their marriage sex had been . . . she bit her lip . . . difficult, to say the least. Because her husband had stopped being charming shortly after their honeymoon. That was their big weekend at the Holiday Inn in Savannah. After they got home, and he realized that she'd spent seven (unapproved) dollars on a tiny memento snow globe . . . one to remember their trip . . . well, that was the first time he hit her. And as the beatings increased and the post-beating apologies decreased, sex very quickly started to became a chore that she simply endured. Every couple days, he'd tell her to strip and get on her back. Then he'd climb on top of her, grunt like a pig, and five to nine minutes later (depending on how many beers he had) he'd roll away.
All she'd got out of those nights were empty minutes staring up at the ceiling tiles.
Once he was done though and had passed out, she'd get up and go take her vibrator out from where it was hidden in the back of the spare room closet, under her winter clothes. Then she'd finish herself off in the bathroom. Still, those nights were at least tolerable memories to look back on, compared to the years after Sophia was born.
That's when everything about Ed had started to become cruel.
It sounded so dumb, but she honestly blamed the Internet. Because it wasn't long after they got it in the house, and he discovered all of that filthy porn, like the worst stuff a person could imagine seeing done to women, that's when he found a new way to get off. At first it was just hours and hours he'd spend in his den masturbating like an animal. Then the next day she'd have to clean it all up. The whole thing had made her gag, but again, in hindsight, she wished that was the life that had continued. Because eventually the masturbating stopped being enough for him and he'd wanted to have sex again. But rather than the old 'climb on, roll off' way, he'd decided to start experimenting with some of those things he saw on the computer.
That was when their sex life had stopped being just pathetic and perfunctory.
The act began to take longer . . . and within a year of him discovering those sites . . . things started to get really rough. And not rough in any kind of good way. Because as with everything else in their life, by then . . . around the time Sophia started school . . . Ed had begun to only enjoy himself if his wife was miserable, or in pain. So mostly he would get off by making her do things that hurt, and/or had shamed her so badly at the time, that she felt sick even thinking back on them now.
Not that she wanted to think back on those horrible nights! But it was hard to separate those events from her memories, when those events WERE basically her whole sex life for the last ten years!
Still, as she took a deep breath and let it out, she knew that she was going to ruin this night with Daryl if she couldn't get her life with Ed out of her conscious brain. So she made herself think back further, and remember life before Ed. In her early twenties there had been a couple of boyfriends, and sex with them had been okay. It had been normal at least, and she'd enjoyed it. But high school . . . her eyes crinkled . . . that's where she decided to focus her memories. Because she'd slept with just one boy back then . . . one of those shy ones who had caught her fancy . . . his name was Daniel, and they'd been together for almost two years. Until he went off to college out west and met another nice girl. But when they'd been together, he'd been sweet and gentle with her. Of course they'd been so young, and so inexperienced, but even with their first nights of awkward fumblings, he'd always been very careful not to do anything to hurt her. So she made herself remember those nights with him, out in the woods, curled up in the backseat of his old Dodge staring over his shoulder at the drops of condensation sliding down the window. And after a few minutes living there in the past of a naive young girl with ginger curls, and a sweet young boy with shaggy blonde hair, she finally let out her breath . . . and smiled. Really smiled.
Because she was better.
All she'd needed was the reminder that Ed had NOT been her whole life. Once she'd had more. Once she'd been happy. She'd had someone who showed her love and kindness . . . and respect. And now she would have those things again. Unfortunately it had taken the world ending to get there, but . . . she huffed drily . . . at least she got there before her own clock ran out.
Speaking of clocks though, when her eyes snapped over to the one on the wall, she realized that a good five or six minutes had already passed since she'd left Daryl out in the hallway. She winced.
Damn it.
Worse still, when she looked down and was reminded of what she was currently wearing, she felt a kick in her gut. Because she was dressed like an ugly, old, frump. The kind that no man would ever look twice at, let alone ever want to have sex with.
The thought of going over to Daryl's room looking the way she did now, was making her feel so uncomfortable that her confidence was fading by the second. And after a quick, and quiet, dig through her bag, she'd confirmed for herself that she had literally nothing else in there that was less sad and matronly than what she was currently wearing. But then as she stood there by her open bag, anxiously wringing her hands, suddenly she took note of the small dresser in the corner of the room.
It hadn't even occurred to her to look in it before, because Rick had told them not to unpack yet so the dresser was just another piece of furniture. But now . . . she started to walk over . . . if she could catch a break, it might be just what she needed. Because these rooms had been occupied before, that was obvious from the random personal things lying around. It wasn't until after she'd started to quietly rifle through the drawers though, that Carol found out her room had once been occupied by a man.
That was a point made clear from the first drawer full of boxer shorts.
But she was also pretty sure that man had very likely been a soldier. And she was making that presumption, because there was another whole drawer full of just t-shirts, and about a half dozen of those were from different Army posts around the country. And she knew the soldier was a man for sure then, because the sizes on those shirts were all XXL, which would have likely been entirely too big for the type of trim, physically fit woman that would be in the military these days.
Which was what made those t-shirts kind of perfect for her purposes now.
Because after she'd quickly stripped off the old lady pajamas, and pulled on one of the baggy grey t-shirts instead, (it said Fort Carson across the back and had a gold star on the front) not only did she start to look MUCH sexier . . . the shirt hung completely off one shoulder, and came down skirting about two inches above her knees . . . she actually felt a little bit sexy as well. And she could honestly say that she hadn't felt ANY kind of 'sexy,' in more years than she even wanted to remember.
It was amazing what a difference a simple piece of cloth could make to one's self esteem.
And after she was changed, she slipped off her clean panties that she'd just put on after her shower, and tucked them back into her bag. That felt SO naughty, but at the same time it was exhilarating too. Again, just stripping off those other clothes . . . the clothes of the Old Carol . . . was giving her more confidence in herself. And luckily she'd already shaved (and shaped) everything that had needed to be shaved and shaped, when she'd taken her long, hot shower. So the next thing she did was go into the bathroom and brush her teeth again. After that she pinched her cheeks to give them some color, and scraped her teeth along her lips to give them a bit of fullness.
The last thing she did was wet her hair enough so that she could spike it up.
It was strange, but by the time she was done 'primping,' when she looked in the mirror, for the first time since probably before she and Ed were married . . . when Carol was twenty-six . . . she saw her real self staring back at her. Yes, her hair might still have been a lot more silver than back then, but her face was young, and her breasts were high under that heavy cotton. And down below, she knew that her thighs were slim and firm, and her stomach was flat. Her eyes even had a sparkle in them.
That was anticipation.
And so she pushed aside that little voice in her head, the one she'd been living with for SO long, reminding her how her flat stomach had a decent smattering of pregnancy stretch marks on it, and how those firm thighs also showed two little dimples of fat on the sides when she sat down.
Ed had pointed those out to her many, many times over the years.
When she pulled up the edge of the grey cotton though, and stared at those faint, silvery lines on her stomach, and the barely perceptible divots on her outer thighs, she reminded herself that Daryl would never be cruel to her about those imperfections, not like Ed had been. And really . . . she took a breath . . . this was just what grown women looked like.
At least the ones that didn't come airbrushed in a magazine.
Again that reminder was enough to get her head on straight, so she took a few quick breaths to quell her butterflies before she walked out of the bathroom to go write the note for Sophia. It was just a few lines. She just told her that she'd stepped out for a few minutes, but that she'd be back soon, and not to worry. Then she signed it, 'love you to pieces, baby,' with an X and an O, and a smiley face. Once she'd laid that out on top of her pillow where her daughter had no chance of missing it if she woke up, Carol leaned over to pick up the frumpy robe from the end of the bed/couch. It was as she about to pull it on, when she realized that if she did that, she'd be defeating the whole purpose of changing her clothes.
She'd still be showing up looking like an old maid.
So again, even though it felt really naughty, she dropped the robe and decided to just go out as she was. Barefoot, no bra, no panties, and a shirt that just barely covered over her mid-section and lady parts, that was about it.
It was as close to a 'seductive' look as one could get in the apocalypse.
Either way, after she'd blown the sleeping Sophia a kiss, and started towards the door, she knew that at least Daryl would be happy with how she looked. Really, she thought with a huff to herself, he'd already been feeling her up in the hallway when she'd looked like hell, so this was going to be a fun surprise for him.
Hopefully anyway.
It was the thought that sustained her while she poked her head out the door to make sure the hallway was clear . . . God knew she'd be mortified if she ran into anyone else . . . before she finally stepped out and quietly pulled that door shut behind her. Then almost on her tiptoes, she scurried down the hall to what she knew was Daryl's room. And after she'd taken a deep breath to not only steel her courage, but pop out her breasts a little, she brought her fist up, and made one quick, whisper soft, rap on his door.
She only had to wait for a second before it was whipped back and he was standing there in front of her.
God did he look good! Because even though he still had his pants on (she was actually happy for that) now he had his shirt off and she could see all of his muscles and tattoos. Also, she could smell the puff of mint when he exhaled a soft, "hey there."
That's when she realized that he'd gone and brushed his teeth too.
For some reason she found that to be really sweet that he'd also tried to clean up for her. Then his eyes crinkled as stepped back and put his arm out. The invitation to step in was clear, so she did. She stepped in. But not knowing what exactly to do once she got in, she continued over to the center of the room and turned around to watch while Daryl set the lock on his door.
Again, that was what they did now.
"Did you leave the note for your girl?" He asked, half over his shoulder. And she gave him a small nod.
"Yeah," she answered as he turned around, "just in case. But she really should sleep through."
Two beats passed then where they just stared at each other. Then he bit down on his lip.
"You look real nice in that t-shirt."
His words came out as just a whisper. And feeling a touch of heat kiss her cheeks, she gave him a shy smile back.
"Thank you." She murmured with a tug in the hem, "I thought it was better than the old lady pajamas."
The corner of his mouth quivered a bit at that, but if he had something else to say, he kept it to himself. Then she saw him take a deep breath, right before he began to walk towards her. And though she so badly wanted to be there, and she truly had no fears at all about being with Daryl, for some reason she suddenly flashed on another memory of Ed. It was a bad one.
And so she found herself taking a half a step back.
It was a move that didn't escape Daryl's attention, because he stopped short.
He was standing about three feet away.
"What's wrong?" he whispered.
Feeling hot, embarrassed, tears flood her eyes at the question, Carol had to look down to the floor before she answered.
"It's stupid," she sniffed, "but I just got nervous for a second." Her watery eyes snapped up to his. "I suddenly remembered something Ed had done once. Sex with him was, uh," she swallowed, "well, he did some bad things and they'd been running through my mind earlier, that's why I was a little late. But I thought I'd pushed them all out of my head, but," she gave him a sad smile, "apparently there are still a few wisps in there."
Seeing that Daryl's jaw had clenched and eyes had flashed almost black when she said Ed had done bad things to her, she knew that he understood exactly what she was referring to. But as quickly as his anger flared up, somehow he seemed to push it down again. Almost like he was afraid maybe it would scare her. And who knew . . . maybe it would have.
Either way, after his eyes had dropped to the floor for a moment, when they shifted back up to hers, she could there was this really sad look on his face.
"I'm so sorry that he did that to you," he whispered, "but I promise, nothing like that's gonna happen to you again. Never with me, and I won't let anyone else ever touch you either. Not if I got a breath in me. And when we are together, if you need to stop, or something don't feel right, you just tell me and we'll stop." His eyes started to water, "because I don't want you hurtin', and I don't want you ever feeling like you gotta do something you don't want to do. It ain't gonna be like that with us, okay?"
"Yeah," she choked out on a sob, "okay. And thank you for saying all that," she sniffled even as she was bringing her hand up to wipe her tears away, "because I didn't realize until you did," she gave him a sad smile, "that I guess maybe it was something my brain needed to hear out loud."
After all those years with Ed deciding when she was having sex even when she didn't want it, and making her do all those terrible things that had made her cry, now she had a man telling her that he'd keep her safe from all the other bad men out there, and not only that, but that he respected how she had the right to stop things even after they'd already started. A tear slipped down her cheek.
Ed had never stopped even when she'd started to bleed.
So after she'd wiped her cheek again, she took a deep breath . . . and looked Daryl directly in the eyes.
"How about we start with a hug?"
His lip quirked up.
"Sure."
And somehow sensing that she would need to initiate that hug, just so Daryl would know that she really was okay, and not going to somehow freak out in the middle of them having sex . . . please GOD don't let her do that(!) . . . Carol walked over to where he'd stopped short a moment before.
For a second he only looked at her, and then he reached out, and with just his thumb, gently brushed the remaining tears from her face.
Her eyes fell shut.
And the next thing she knew, she felt his fingertips lightly tracing a path along her wrist, right before he slipped his arm around her shoulders . . . and pulled her over to his chest. Then he just held her. He had that one arm around her shoulders, and then one around her waist as he'd tipped his head down to cuddle her in close. It took only a moment before she started to really feel safe for probably the first time in she didn't even know how long. That's when she took a deep breath and tried to commit his smell to memory (right now it was an earthy, clean, musk), and then there was the texture of his muscles (hard and smooth), and the feel of his skin beneath her cheek. That was warm.
Very, very warm.
Part of her probably could have been happy if nothing else happened that night than just getting to feel him that way. Because again, even after all their weeks together, the only time they'd touched had been the day of the fire, and then later that day he left. All she got from him the second time was just a little stroke of her thumb along his palm.
This was INFINITELY better!
Still, she knew that better was a term relative to what she'd experienced so far. Which was why she didn't want to finish tonight with just the hug . . . she wanted all of him. And with him being so good and patient with her, again, she knew that she should be the one to push them to the next step. Unlike earlier in the night . . . her eyes crinkled . . . she wasn't afraid to go first anymore. So she turned her head slightly and pressed a little kiss on his chest, and then another one a little bit higher.
And then one more right on the curve of his neck.
After that one, she tipped her head back to see him looking down at her again.
"You know we don't have to if you ain't ready yet. We can wait until tomorrow or the next day, if you need to go slow."
His words were just a whisper as he brought his hand up to cup her cheek. And not wanting him to worry that she was pushing herself to do something she didn't want to do only for his sake . . . because she really wasn't, this was what SHE wanted . . . she gave him a bright smile and a sharp shake of her head.
"I don't need to go that slow. I'm sure I'm ready. Thank you for asking though," her eyes crinkled, "I appreciate it more than you can know."
"Course," he murmured a little dismissively, like he thought it was silly for her to thank him for that. Then he tipped his head down to give her a kiss.
It wasn't a passionate one, it was just sweet. And when he pulled away, she could see a little smile pulling at the corner of his mouth.
"So how about to start I just do something for you?"
If things for Carol had been as bad with Ed as he was afraid they'd been, then it'd probably been a real long time since she'd had sex that actually made her feel happy. That was something he wanted to fix. And he could tell from the little blush that touched her cheeks as her eyes crinkled again, that she knew what he was saying.
Then she gave him a nod.
"I'd like that," she whispered, as the color in her face darkened a bit, "I've missed it."
It was like she was embarrassed to admit what she wanted him to do to her. That was something else he was gonna fix. They were going to have good sex, and he wasn't going to have her feeling any kind of bad, about any of it. So while he distracted her with another kiss, he let his hands fall down to catch the edges of her shirt.
When he started to push it up, and he felt the backs of his fingers brushing right over her curls, that's when he discovered she'd come over without any panties on. His eyes crinkled.
Good girl.
At least she was trying to have fun.
And it made step one here even easier, so he just moved one hand down off her hip, to slide along into her nest, and then that warm soft space beyond. And when he started to gently stroke two of his fingers there just to get her wet, he also started sucking on her tongue as he slowly backed her up and over against the door.
That was the point where he had to take the other hand off her hip just to get his own pants undone. Not that he was anywhere close to finished yet with what he had planned for Carol by herself, it was just that having a dick now popping up and scraping directly against the teeth of his zipper, was as uncomfortable as shit! So while he kept working her button there, to get her to the point where he could make her squeal, he got his pants loosened up. Not that he got his dick out, because that wasn't where he was going yet, but he just got his zipper opened up enough that it wasn't distracting. That's when he finally broke the kiss, and gave Carol a wink, right before he dropped to his knees, ducked his head under the shirt, and spread her legs open.
That's when he went to town.
Carol gasped at the feel of Daryl's tongue swirling over her clit. It was the first time she'd had someone go down on her since the last man she'd dated before Ed. He had been enthusiastic, but not very experienced. Daryl on the other hand was not only enthusiastic, but clearly experienced too!
Thank GOD for that!
Because with him down on his knees, and her sweaty palms pressed flat against the door, and it was only a moment before she felt him absolutely DEVOURING her! Truly, he had two fingers up inside and caressing that one perfect spot, and his lips and tongue teeth were working all around on her clitoris where he was sucking and licking, and blowing little puffs of air. Her hips started to rock as her eyes snapped shut.
"OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!"
Over and over she panted and gasped, feeling that pressure building inside her until finally she snapped. All she had was a second to yank her arm up and bite down on her fist as she came hard against Daryl's face with what she could feel was an actual spurt. THAT had not happened in forever!
That was also when she started to slide down the door.
Her legs had just gone to jelly.
But then Daryl was catching her with one arm under her thighs, as he scooped her up and into his arms.
He pulled her to his chest with a faint huff.
"Y'all right?" he whispered with a sticky, wet, kiss to her lips . . . she could taste herself all over him.
"Yep," she hummed happily with her eyes half shut, as she felt his erection pressing into her back, "but I don't think I can stand up anymore."
Hearing him let out a snort as he murmured, "good, that's what we were going for," he hoisted her up a little higher before he turned to walk them over to the open couch.
Just like in her room there were fresh sheets on the mattress.
That's where he leaned over to gently place her down in the middle, and after he'd wiped the back of his hand across his mouth, she heard him quietly cursing when he started to work his pants down over his VERY large erection. She couldn't help the giggle that slipped out.
"Want me to help?" She asked with a smile, while pushing herself up to reach forward, but he just scowled a bit and took a half step back.
"Naw," he grunted with his eyes still locked down onto the issue at hand . . . not pinching anything vital in the teeth of that zipper, "you start moving your hands around in here and fun's going to end way quicker than we want it to."
Immediately seeing his point, she let out another little chuckle, and a "good point." So instead she moved on to getting her t-shirt off. It was as she was tossing it over to the other couch across the room, that she heard Daryl let out another grunt.
That one sounded triumphant.
Sure enough, when she looked back up at him, she could now see his full length there popping out. Her eyes widened with both surprise, and excitement.
Because that was SO much bigger and thicker than Ed's!
Still, she waited until he'd gotten his pants off completely, and was tossing them over with her t-shirt, before she commented.
She did it with a smile.
"Just go in slow, okay?"
When he looked back and gave her a serious nod, and whispered, "of course," she opened her arms.
"Come on then," she said with a soft smile, "I'm ready."
That was all the encouragement Daryl needed.
Because then his knee was on the couch and his body was moving down to cover over hers. His mouth was capturing hers in another wet (though much less sticky) kiss, while his hands went right to her hips. That's when she felt that thick head pushing against her inner thigh. So with him sliding his hands around to her backside, and then shifting one of the pillows underneath her, the two of them lifted her hips up to get the deepest angle they could. Then he was pushing in, going so slowly as he filled her, going deeper and deeper until finally he was pressing into her on the inside. And inside was where everything was already so sensitive from before.
She let out a squeak . . . and his head snapped back.
"Y'all right?!"
Even though she could tell that she'd startled him, all she could manage was a ragged nod.
"Yeah," she swallowed as a sudden tingle of residual pleasure caused her thighs to try to snap together. Daryl was in between them though, and the movement made him swear out a, "God damn darlin' what are you DOING to me?!"
She started to laugh.
The laughter only lasted a second before Daryl's lips had covered hers again.
Then he began to move.
It was after a few strokes that he finally broke the kiss to dip his head down and begin to suck on one of her nipples instead. Back and forth he went, working each one between his lips and his teeth just like he had been when he was working her down below.
Like it was his job to drive her right to the edge of sanity!
Because while his mouth was busy doing that, and his hands were on her hips, he was riding her with these slow, steady strokes, kind of rotating his pelvis so he was rubbing against everything, every time, just right. And she was lying there, splayed out on her back, clutching the edges of the cushion with her fingertips, with her eyes rolling back in her head as felt that pleasure again building in her core, while those tingles shot out from her breasts.
All she could think was that saying yes to sex with this man had been the BEST decision of her life!
Because all she'd really had her hopes up for, was maybe getting one real orgasm and hopefully a nice cuddle at the end. Here, he'd already made her come more than she had probably in the last three months. And all those other orgasms had been vibrator related.
These ones were SO much better!
And feeling herself about to hit another crest, she quickly brought one hand up to bite down on the back of her fist, because that's what she'd always done when she was alone in the bathroom.
She'd had to stay quiet so Ed wouldn't wake up.
But then suddenly she felt Daryl's right hand slide off her hip, and over in between her legs. He brushed his thumb over that hard little cluster of nerves he'd been sucking on earlier. So despite her best efforts . . . she let out a loud yelp. One that could NOT be muffled by her fist!
Then she felt him lean up to lick that soft spot by her ear.
"You like that?" He panted out against her wet skin, while still moving both his hips, and now his thumb both with that same swirl. And she gave a ragged, breathless, nod.
"Yeeess," she let out on a moan as he continued on with that steady, surprisingly gentle, caress, "God yes, that feels AMAAAZING!"
Her voice caught with a gasp at the end, because that's when she hit the full peak. And she started to literally writhe up on the bed, feeling much like her body wasn't her own, that's when Daryl moved in to nudge her arm away with his chin, so he could capture her lips again. Still, he never stopped moving, even though she could tell from his own moans that he was starting to get close.
Or at least closer than he was.
But it wasn't until she'd ridden that first wave down, that he panted out on half a breath, "you know if there's somethin' special you like, you might have more fun if you tell me what that is, than with me just guessing at things."
"You're such a good guesser though," she let out on a sultry eyed giggle. And he snorted and leaned in to lick first her cheek, and then that spot by her ear again.
Her nails scraped down his back.
"Hmm," he hummed with a wink, "I guess that's one you like, but still, I ain't Kreskin so," he gave a good hard, push as he pulled his head up a little more, "if there's something special you want me to do, just say so. Because you know," he smirked, "no matter what, I'm already having the best God damn day of my life. So even if you want me to finish off here standing on my head, that ain't gonna change that."
Feeling a spark of warmth hit her eyes as that same joyful feeling filled her chest, Carol looked over Daryl's shoulder for a second . . . over to the clock on the wall behind them.
"There is one thing," she whispered hesitantly.
That was enough for his movements to slow for a second.
"Yeah," his eyebrow quirked up as even his thumb stilled, "and what's that?"
"Um," she bit her lip then, feeling a bit of heat touch her face, "do you want to uh," her eyes snapped over to his, "maybe go from behind?"
A huge grin spread across his face.
"You wanna do it DOGGY style?" He asked on a laugh. And she immediately winced as a wave of embarrassment washed over her.
"Never mind," she whispered, while her eyes snapped up and over his shoulder, "we can finish where you are."
Seeing the tears filling Carol's eyes, Daryl froze.
All humor was gone from the moment.
"Oh, hey darlin'," he murmured with a brush his fingers along her cheek, "come on now, I'm sorry. Don't be embarrassed. I wasn't making fun, I promise. You just surprised me, is all."
That really was all it had been, because with her cross and her prayers and all her good manners, she just didn't seem like the type that would be up for that move. But he should've known better that one thing didn't have nothing to do with the other. And now he felt like a complete asshole because she thought he was laughing at her. And when she still wouldn't look at him even after he'd apologized, he brought his hand up from her hip, and gently grasped her jaw.
He turned her head.
When one of those tears spilled over and slid down her face, he shifted back until he was completely out of her, because nothing killed a hard on like seeing the girl you were riding start to cry.
It was like gettin' kicked in the balls.
"I'm sorry I made you feel bad," he whispered with a brush of his thumb along her lower lip. Then he continued on with a sharp shake of his head, "I didn't mean to laugh, really. We can do whatever you want to Carol, anything at all. Except," he shifted back a little more, "the one what we absolutely can't do, is have sex if you're crying." His voice started to thicken, "because it makes me feel like I'm doing something bad to you."
As she heard Daryl's last admission, Carol's watery eyes snapped over to his and popped open wide, because it had NOT occurred to her that he would ever think such a thing! It had never even entered her mind.
So she quickly reached up to touch his cheek.
"You weren't doing anything bad to me," she whispered with a firm shake of her head, "it still felt good. I was just," she winced and let her hand fall away, "so embarrassed. I thought that what I was asking for was really slutty or something and that's why you'd laughed. But," she bit her lip, "I still wasn't taking back my yes. I just figured if I told you to keep going, the embarrassment would have faded off when all the amazing stuff started to take over."
He nodded slowly.
"Okay, I get that. And that makes me feel better. But," he bit his lip, "you can't do that to me again, okay? You can't start crying like that and just tell me to finish up, right before you shut down completely. Because there's no way," he gave her a look, "me seeing that reaction from you, isn't gonna make me think I'm doing something to you that you don't want done."
Carol winced and nodded.
"Yeah I can see that now," she answered with sniffle as she reached up to grasp his jaw with both hands, "but I swear I didn't think of it like that before. What I should have done though was just asked you to stop for a second so we could talk. It's just," she shrugged as another tear slipped over, "all these years I got so used to just going along with things no matter how I was feeling, I forgot what you'd said before about us doing things different."
Seeing Daryl's expression soften, she tugged his head down and gave him a deep, hard, kiss.
And when they finally broke apart, she gave him a watery smile.
"These are happy tears now, and I promise next time if they're not happy tears, I'll remember to speak up for both our sakes."
Daryl's jaw twisted for a second, before he let out a slow, heavy, breath.
"Okay," his eyes crinkled, "then I think we're good."
Then he blinked and the corner of his lip quirked up.
"But I might need to suck on those nipples to get me going again."
She let out chuckle.
"Have at 'em!" she giggled with a little shake of her breasts. And he shot her a quick grin before he dropped his head down to take a lick.
It was gonna be a long night!
A/N 2: Another long, inside Sienna's Writing Brain, Note :)
Smutty sex! Always a challenge to keep stuff fresh when you go 'all in' so that's how they ended up at the door! Ha, ha! And I thought Carol having a specific position she wanted to try again, and totally catching Daryl off guard with the one she wanted to do, was also another new in. Not just for the momentary angst of the misunderstanding, but remember back to season 1 Carol being less assertive with her 'wants' and always tugging on her cross when she was nervous, and you can see his reaction as being like yeah, okay, didn't expect that!
Initially this story was all about Caryl simply as a romance, but as I moved towards the final draft I realized I liked it more (and it had sort of evolved) to be a story about Carol more particularly, with Daryl as the secondary character. Still a very important one :) and he has his moments of internal focus on his thoughts, but this was the first time I'd had the opportunity to write a story coming so directly from the viewpoint of an abused woman. I'm not an expert on this because I have been very fortunate to have not been in her position, so no disrespect with my take to anyone who has had to deal with that kind of terror. But on a much, much lower scale of upset I've had a few not great things happen to me as most people do as life goes on. So I tried to take from my own experiences of low confidence and sexual discomfort and relationship misunderstandings, to then put myself in Carol's place, to see where I thought my mind would go with her background with Ed so fresh. So some of those scenes of her thoughts alone were more stream of consciousness for me of being her in my head and trying to work through how I'd try to handle things to take control of my life again.
And to that point, it was a balancing act in some of these scenes to shift them between having the smutty sex, and then dealing with her confidence and abuse issues without it being total whiplash, or just quite frankly, a real downer. Because on my second draft, when I was outlining those sections, I'd read them over like, 'ooh man, now how are we going to get the mood back from THAT?!' But I think you can see in those sex scenes where things get serious and they have to stop for a few minutes, it's partly her issues, but it's also because we're dealing with Daryl's abuse issues. Not that I'm adding in a canon element of him suffering sexual abuse from his father, because we don't have any evidence of that, but just that as an abuse survivor himself, one who probably would have witnessed or at least heard through the wall, his mother suffering some degree of degradation with his father, he would be more sensitive in those areas than someone might otherwise expect. Like him saying you can't start crying and shut down on me and then not have me assume that I'm doing something wrong. He didn't say it in an accusatory way, but to again emphasize, we aren't going to have THAT kind of relationship, because if thought he was hurting her that would be a real hit for him. And again the balancing act of Carol not then falling back into Ed'mode and begging forgiveness for upsetting DARYL, when it wasn't her fault that she reacted that way. So I was deliberate in not having her apologize to him, but instead EMPATHIZE. I wanted her to see her reactions from his side because that would be something else to help her not fall into old patterns. He's not Ed, he doesn't WANT her to suck it up and keep going. He wants her to tell him when something is wrong. And you'll see in the conclusion this is the path they'll keep working to reinforce (in other ways) because clearly Carol can't just tell herself, "okay react to things this way now," and oh, now all my trauma is healed! In other stories I've written with them getting together physically I haven't delved into these issues with more than a passing glance, because Carol always had more distance from Ed. Which was more time to heal on her own, and/or, more time to ease into a physical relationship with Daryl. Here, she and Daryl had the emotional connection before Ed died, so she was, in her heart, ready to move on to a physical component, but in reality obviously they probably should have eased into the physical elements over a couple days rather than all in one. But for me it was more interesting from a writing standpoint to take the fresh approach of her wanting to be with him immediately, even though Daryl twice said, we can put on the brakes if that's you need. I do really like this version of them. Because they have an existing emotional bond, Daryl is already more open with her, and adding in physical intimacy immediately also opens him up even more. If this was just them still no further along than maybe a few hugs, he wouldn't be so verbal. Unfortunately I can't keep playing here with them forever because time is finite :) I did already finish the last chapter though. I just had to cut it because I was getting a headache trying to proof so much. But I now have double shifts through Sunday, so let's say the conclusion will be up, Sunday night/Monday day depending on if I have the energy to read it over before then.
So that's all folks, and again, always love to hear what you think! :)
