Regarding the scripted format, I apologize if you don't like the way the fic is written, but after reading a few of my favourite MST3K fics from quite a while back, I wanted this fic to have the same scripted style. If you don't like the scripted format, I respect your critique but I have no intention of changing it to a different format, thanks and I hope you'll understand my decision.

I would recommend clicking on one of the listed buttons on the top right-hand corner of fanfiction . net so that the text flow of the scripted format is more comforting for your eyes to read through.

And thanks for the reviews, please do review if you like the story, would really appreciate ideas for Fornax porno titles too!

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the mass effect series, and if I did, I would force the characters to watch horrible pornography every night.


CHAPTER 2 - OH MY! VOLUS PLUMBERS, MILF MATRIACH AND-?

The next day, right after lunch, Joker once again gathers the men in the crewdeck room.

JOKER: LOOK ALIVE GUYS! Are ya' ready for round 2?

JACOB: Jesus Christ Joker, can't this at least wait til evening?

JOKER: Are ya' mad? We're not even close to finishing half of the Fornax videos!

ZAEED: (walks in, grabs a beer can in a nearby fridge) That will take a whole month.

GARRUS: Already drinking in the afternoon Zaeed? Maybe I should too since I'm gonna go for another round of horrible interspecies porn.

ZAEED: Yeah, that's why I'm drinking! here ya' go turian (hands a dextro beer)

GARRUS: Thanks.(sighs) Alright Joker, here's to round two! (opens a can and drinks)

(Grunt and Thane walks in, Grunt apparently carrying like three buckets of popcorn)

GRUNT: ALRIGHT! PORN!

THANE: Is it just me or is porn having a positive effect on Grunt?

MORDIN: (at the same time, he walks in) Positive. Aura seems to be slightly unusual for krogan,

perhaps more pornography will keep him happy and less likely to attack random bystanders.

GRUNT: You got that right, soft salarian! (puts arm around Thane) Are you ready to make some new memories, drell?

THANE: (slowly removes Grunt's arm from him) Uh, not really. Not like I have any choice since I'm gonna get dragged by Joker anyway.

JOKER: Okay Okay, shush! Let's watch, sit down and shut up!

(everyone is seated quietly, with awkward coughs from Garrus.)

"PLUMBING"

JACOB: Oh wait, I already know where this is going.

JOKER: OH shut up Jacob, don't spoil the aliens!

(A human housewife is seen wearing nothing but a sexy lingerie, she goes to the bathroom, apparently she notices that the plumbing is broken. She then picks up a nearby phone and calls galaxy plumbing services.)

JOKER: ahahaha, "Plumbing".

ZAEED: (gives Joker a hard smack to the head)

JOKER: Argh! My bones!

Sexy housewife: (Speaks in a reallly orgasmic voice) Hi, I need some plumbing fix at my place,

would you pleaseee come here as soon as possible?

(Joker giggles like an idiot)

GARRUS: We're not even at the sex scene and yet you are giggling like a goddamn teenage

virgin.

JACOB: Wow Garrus, I see you have been watching a lot of human chick flicks and teen movies.

GARRUS: Yeah those were horrible. But I learned a few things about teenage humans. And that

it's dismal.

ZAEED: You got that right.

(20 minutes later, a cheesy western music plays in the background and a volus shows up with a wrench in one hand.)

THANE: Can I get in my solipsism mode now?

ALL: No.

Volus: Hello *breathes* earth-clan, I heard *breathes* your plumbing is broken, and I've come

here to..*breathes* give you a plumbing.

MORDIN: Untrue, he's trying to stimulate her sexually, not fix plumbings.

JOKER: Mordin..

Sexy housewife: Well, wouldn't I love that! Please, get over here! (pulls volus in her room)

GRUNT: What is this? So what about the plumbing? I'm not aroused at all!

JACOB: It's better not to question and just watch Grunt, it's awkward enough sitting here.

(After what seems like an eternity of awkward foreplay, the two finally carefully have sex, mostly with plumbing equipments since its not possible for a volus to remove his suit due to safety issues.)

GRUNT: (munching on second bucket of popcorn) Well, that took awhile!

THANE: This is so uncomforting and awkward. All that earth-clan bed talk and now all this awkward touching and unsanitary equipment. When I die, I'm haunting you Joker.

(During the course of the video, Volus is seen using various "plumbing" equipment on the housewife. Joker and Grunt is watching intently and eating popcorn, Garrus and Zaeed is drinking, Mordin is taking notes, Thane seemed stoned out of his mind, probably due to solipsism or registering the video in his memories, and Jacob is once again facepalming and showing disgust every once in awhile.)

Sexy housewife: Thank you for fixing my plumbings. Please, come again..

(the end)

JOKER: "Fixing" my "Plumbing", "Come again" huhuhuh.

ZAEED: (hits Joker's head once again) Stop that you moron, unless you wanna lose some bones.

JOKER: Aw, you're no fun.

MORDIN: Creative use of household items and tools, what not to do during sex with volus...taking notes, taking notes.

GARRUS: Please, no more volus porn. It's so awkward watching those guys. Whatnot with their heavy breathing every few seconds.

GRUNT: IT'S BORING TOO. Oh by the way, aren't we missing someone today?

GARRUS: Oh yeah, where is legion?

LEGION: (walks in the crewdeck room at the mention of his name) We have installed video systems in this room to monitor videos being streamed. This is to increase efficiency in our reports.

ZAEED: That's creepy. Or maybe you could put porno videos in my surveillance room too legion, I get pretty bored down there.

LEGION: Affirmative. Will update upon complete process.

JACOB: Remind me never to do anything strange in this ship.

MORDIN: So you have been monitoring from the start. Impressive legion, wasn't able to detect all bugs in this room afterall, it seems.

JOKER: THERE WERE BUGS BEFORE? Dammit, my privates are not safe.

GRUNT: Instead of talking about your privates, why not go to the next video? All this talking is driving me angry.

JOKER: Okay, okay, geez! Relax krogan!

"MILF – MATRIACH I'D LIKE TO FU-"

THANE: Stop right there, we all know what that means.

JACOB: Of course we do, oh thank god at least it's an asari now!

(In this video, a matriarch asari gets a series of booty calls from various places and many different species, the first one is from a human female.)

JOKER: Oh hell to the yeah!

MORDIN: Joker, calm down.

ZAEED: Yeah, we don't wanna see any boners here! Get yourself to the toilet if you need it!

Matriach: Hello dear, you called for me didn't you?

Human female: OH YES! (pulls the Matriach in bed)

(both strips down and strangely a random batarian with binoculars is seen spying through a window across their building)

ZAEED: What's the use of having four eyes if you still need binoculars?

Batarian: Oh yes, yes.

JOKER: That actually might be my perverted neighbour back from earth in batarian form.

THANE: No, its just the director of the film.

(after intense sex with the human female, the matriach moves on to her next call, a nervous looking male salarian.)

Salarian: I, uhm, got this number from a batarian friend, he told me I could get some help learning from you.

LEGION: From what we observed, there is a 99.9% chance that it is the same batarian from the previous scene.

JOKER: (pats legion on the back) Well, well! You're learning, Legion! Well done!

Matriach: There's no need to be shy. I am well verse in the art of sex with all alien species!

ZAEED: including Yahgs, collectors, reapers, vorchas, space cows.

Salarian: Please show me the way, matriarch!

(As they are having sex, questions are being thrown around to Mordin like "Is that a cloaca?" "What in the HELL is that?" )

MORDIN: (breathes) Please reserve questions after videos. Will lecture on salarian anatomy after this. Especially on cloaca.

ZAEED: Okay, I'll try to get drunk before that happens.

(The last call is from a male quarian, on his pilgrimage.)

JACOB: Pilgrimage? I guess he could put that in his report "I scored with a Matriach."

THANE: I wonder, does that count as something beneficial for the ship?

GARRUS: Probably, I'm sure the admirals there would enjoy the matriach's company. If you know what I mean.

Quarian: Matriach, you really came! Thank you! Th-this is actually my first time, please be gentle with me.

GARRUS: Yeah, please don't accidentally kill me during sex!

Matriach: Do not worry my child, just close your eyes and relax.. Embrace eternity.

(This scene was slightly different from the rest as it cuts away from the real world and transforms into a meshed up CGI world of what is presume to be "inside eternity")

THANE:CGI porn? Well this is the first I've seen.

LEGION: Male quarian refuses to remove suit due to health concerns. Information taken from the extranet fornaxsuperstars-gossip . com.

MORDIN: They didn't consult me? Would have given immuno-boosters and herbal supplements for safe sex.

(During the course of "embracing eternity", the CGI got more and more epileptic, until both character climaxes, turning everything back into the real world. After which the Matriach then leaves the room, done for the day.)

JOKER: I feel like puking after watching that. All the colours man.

MORDIN: (hands a bottle of pills to Joker)

JOKER: Oh gee, thanks Mordin, you think of everything.

ZAEED: If embracing eternity was like that, I'm happier just using my hand.

GRUNT: Using your hand?

JACOB: It's nothing Grunt, just ignore him.

GARRUS: That wasn't as bad as I thought!

(Legion hands over the next video to Garrus)

"SHEPARD DOES SAREN"

GARRUS: Oh, I take back what I said previously.

THANE: (stands up) For out of respect of Siha, I am leaving prematurely, enjoy my friends.

(Thane leaves the room)

JOKER: I win again! Hand over the credits Garrus!

GARRUS: Dammit, I need to stop betting on Thane not leaving the room. I'll get you next time, Joker!

ZAEED: Hah, he'll be back, he can't stay away.

(In this video, a woman who looks nothing like Shepard walks out of the Normandy wearing full gear, apparently getting ready to fight Saren. Epic music plays in the background.)

MORDIN: from observation, this is a huge budget for film such as this. Even replica of Normandy seems convincing. Very Impressive! Only complain would be that Shepard's breasts are slightly bigger than that.

(all the men stop and stares for awhile)

JACOB: Oh my god Mordin! You're right! How historically inaccurate!

JOKER: We should lodge a complain!

MORDIN: Shepard will not be please to see small inaccuracies like this, body language says she has self-esteem and image issues, especially around chest area, always catch her eyeing Miranda in jealousy.

LEGION: We agree, from what we recorded, Shepard-commander has emotional mood swings, an example recording after Joker's comments about her buttocks, unaware she is right behind him.

MORDIN: Not self-esteem issues Legion, that's just Joker being an idiot.

JOKER: HEY!

LEGION: Noted. Joker has the characteristics of an idiot.

(The next scene shows Saren, or rather a turian who looks like Saren, apparently sharing a conversation about reapers with Shepard. Zaeed is seen yawning.)

GARRUS: Ah yes, (air quotes) Reapers. Shepard, I would have to dismiss that claim and get in your pants instead.

JACOB: Meanwhile, in deep space, reapers are slowly charging towards us.

GRUNT: While we watch porn.

(Saren grabs Shepard and uses a biotic ability to bind and stun her down.)

GARRUS: If this was the real thing, Shepard would have use her bare hands to rip his mandibles open. The end.

JOKER: (in a effeminate voice, teasing Garrus) Ooooh, Garrus! Save me from Saren! My shields are dooown.

ZAEED: (hits Joker once again) You're welcome, Garrus.

GARRUS: Thanks, I didn't wanna kill him, you know how hard turians are.

JOKER: (tries to hold laughter)

GARRUS: I regret saying that.

Fake Shepard: You'll regret this Saren, I'll never forgive you for what you've done!

Fake Saren: Is that so? What are you going to do about it? You are nothing but a weakling Shepard (Grabs her by the neck) Though I won't kill you just yet, hahaha.

Fake Shepard: Saren, you're indoctrinated! Listen to yourself!

Fake Saren: I'm not- I'm arggh! (winces in pain) Enough! Stop talking! (grabs her by force and starts to strip her violently)

GRUNT: Hey this all wrong! Shepard isn't weak!

GARRUS: Of course not Grunt, but in this alternate world of porno, Shepard will always have sex with everyone, even you.

GRUNT: That's disgusting! No thanks!

(The next scene shows fake Saren and Shepard having sex, Jacob grimaces at chafing scenes, Garrus watches with slight interest, Zaeed, Joker and Grunt munching on the last bucket of popcorn, Legion's headlights lits up at certain scenes intently observing, Mordin writes note to self and also for Shepard in case she needs one.)

JACOB: Gah, that was painful to look at, no offense Garrus.

GARRUS: None taken, we know how squishy humans are.

JACOB: No matter how many times, I don't think I'll ever get used to watching turian porn.

GRUNT: Yeah! We should watch Krogan porn next!

JACOB: Can I blindfold myself next time?

(After the fictional sex/rape scene with Saren and Shepard, the vid ends with naked Shepard quickly kicking Saren off her and grabbing a nearby shotgun, shooting him in the face, which strangely gets cut off and the video ends.)

JOKER: No happy ending with fake Kaiden or fake Joker?

ZAEED: Joker porn? I rather take needles and stick them in my eyeballs.

MORDIN: At ease Zaeed, no Joker porn at the moment.

ZAEED: There is a god!

JOKER: Goddamit Zaeed, you're an asshole.

ZAEED: I know.

MORDIN: Next video, "Shepard does Wrex."

GARRUS and JACOB: WHAT!


End of chapter 2!

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