Hey, ya'll it's Alethea. I read your comments, and here's what you've been asking for!
1. sorry about the delay.
2. all the things I say in this chapter about sexuality, and coming out, and everything, it's all how I felt this past year when I realized I was crushing on my girl bestie (minus the almost-selling soul stuff, cause at least I didn't have to go through that). My feelings were and are only one story, so if that's not what you went through, please don't be offended that I didn't capture your story.
3. Dean will say that he thinks liking a guy is 'girly'. Part one, no it is not. I was just trying to get into Dean's character. I have plenty of gay and bi friends, and growing up I was surrounded by people are all different sexualities, so I know that it's not in any way, and I do not mean to offend anyone. Part two, that's also an insult to all the strong, independent, awesome women out there who make 'throw like a girl' a complement to every little girl who's inspired by them.
4. I would hopefully like a review from every fifth person who reads this story. Since ya'll don't know who's reading, though, please just assume that you are the fifth person in the cycle and post a review. Thanks!
5. these texts were written by Rachel and I when we got together last weekend and fangirled so hard it scared normal people. pin/789044797186103188/ pin/789044797186096706/ please excuse the 2nd one. we were watching snl.
Time stops as I realize that I just kissed a guy. Not even just a guy, but an angel, and one who's my friend. And I kissed him in front of his brother. Who I think kinda hates me cause he once killed me in a creative variety of ways for one hundred and three days straight.
Oh fuck.
I'm not sure what to say (a feeling that really sucks because for once I have no desire to say something mean or sarcastic), and Cas is just gaping at me like a fish. Gabriel is the first one to speak.
"So…are you two a thing now? Cause I did not anticipate that," he smirks.
"We are not a…thing," Cas replies softly, and even he's probably just clueless and doesn't understand what he said, it feels like rejection.
Gabriel looks from Cas to the look of pain that I know is scrawled across my face. "You're not a thing, but you kiss like that?"
"You're not needed here, yet you're sticking around for some unknown reason," I retort. It's not my best, but hey, I just almost sold my soul, then didn't have to, but still resurrected my possibly-maybe-future-boyfriend and his archangel brother. I'm allowed to have a couple of crappy retorts every now and then.
Gabriel, for once in his life, decides to be gracious and nice and he leaves, presumably to go find Sam or something.
Then Cas and I are alone, and I didn't anticipate how incredibly awkward this would be. How did I think that I'd bring Cas back and then we'd just fall into each other's arms and be a stupid chick-flick happily ever after?
"Dean…are we a thing?" he asks finally, taking a step toward me, which leaves the distance between us as about six inches.
I let out a breath through my nose. "I don't know. Would you like to be a thing?"
"I don't make a habit of pulling anyone out of perdition," he responds, but it's not really joke, more just a fact, just reaching out to me and telling me he feels the same way.
Which is great except that my brain is still struggling to process the whole Cas-is-back plus the I-fucking-kissed-him plus the Gabriel-knows-so-soon-everyone-will. Plus, I think I am a little drunk. Maybe. Possibly. I think I just kinda am eternally.
"So you like me?" I ask, knowing that I sound right out of a YA romance novel.
"I suppose so." He seems a little confused. "Angels are not supposed to have these feelings."
I run my fingers through my hair, avoiding his eyes. while Cas was dead, all I wanted was him back, and now that I have him back, it's kinda hard to come to terms with the fact that I…like a guy enough to try to sell my soul for him. I guess that means I'm bi.
But am I really into guys, or is it just Cas?
"I need a minute to process this," I manage to choke out, and Cas just watches me as I struggle to breathe. "I'm not gonna give you any touchy feely crap about how we're each other's one true love."
(A.N. Though we all know that they totes are)
Cas considers that for a few seconds before suggesting, "Would it help to write it down?"
"What?"
"Psychiatrists say it helps," he explains evenly.
I consider that for a minute before replying, "Yeah. I'm gonna go write it down, and I'll be back. Just stay here."
So I go back to my room and I get out a piece of paper.
How the fuck do I even start something like this?
Hey, Cas.
Sam made me listen to this song by Kacey Musgraves called Someone To Love. It was stupid and emotional, but it had some lyrics (holy fuck, am I really telling you how I feel about you through song lyrics?) that I really liked.
And I'm too lazy to write them down, but basically the gist of it was that we all want to be better, and we've all done shitty things, so we just want someone who'll love us in spite of that. And I love you, Cas.
For a long time, we were brothers and apocalypse-stopping-partners, but then you died, and it dawned on me that that's not what I wanted from you. And we should probably talk about this, but talking about our feelings sucks, so here's a letter that you will read and then BURN IMMEDIATELY AFTERWARD!
Honestly, Cas, I'm pretty 97% certain that I want to be with you. like be with you. on dates. Like we come home from hunts to the same hotel room, and we split pieces of pie (but 70/30. Don't ever expect that to change). And if that's what you want, too, than the logical next step would be to be together. so we should do that.
So I'm gonna give you this letter so we can do that.
Since this was chick-flicky enough as it is, here ya go:
Hugs and a million kisses,
Dean
I take the paper out to the living room only to find that Cas isn't there, so I just leave it on the table, no turning back. Then I attempt to find him. Five minutes later, after I've searched as much of the Bunker as I can in five minutes, I go back to wait for him and find…Sam, sitting and reading my letter.
I can tell that I'm blushing, which probably doesn't do anything to make this situation seem any less girly.
"So you like Cas." He smiles, and I feel realization wash over me; he's known about this for possibly years.
"Yeah."
"And you finally decided to tell him."
"Someone time travel and tell Roald Dahl that we have another Sherlock Holmes," I say.
Finally Sam says, "You know that Roald Dahl didn't write Sherlock Holmes, right?"
Then it's silent before I ask, "Can I get that back? Thanks. I kinda want to give it to who it was meant for."
Sam's smile falls and he assumes the well-known look easily recognizable as 'I'm concerned about your sanity and well-being.' "Dean, Cas died. And it's great that you care about him, but he's…gone."
I back out of the room as Sam hands the letter to me, laughing nervously. "So, haha, funny story…crossroads demon and I are gettin' so close. Also, I still have a soul, so no more ten years business. Great, let's talk later."
Then I leave to find Cas and find him outside, looking for bees even though the sun is only just rising.
"Hello, Dean," he says without turning around.
"Hey, Cas." I hand him the letter and try not to watch his face as he reads it.
Then he smiles at me and says, "I would like to be with you, Dean."
"Good." I slip my hand around his. "Hold my hand, you lovable sonofabitch."
-Review, review, review! the more reviews I get, the more motivated I am to write and publish more. thank you so much for reading! hope you enjoyed!
