Goodbye Time

The song is "Goodbye Time" by Blake Shelton. Thank you to everyone for the wonderful reviews. I hope you enjoy this chapter as well. I now see a story developing behind this and will continue. Thanks again!

It's your life - you say you need a change

Mac dropped her briefcase as soon as she stepped in her front door and slipped off her shoes. The day had been a terror and she didn't even want to think about the work she still had to finish before tomorrow morning's staff call. As she rubbed a hand over her neck, she walked through the living room of her new apartment and into the smaller kitchen. Tonight was definitely going to be a comfort food meal, she couldn't remember the last time she'd needed one more. The thought made her pause for a moment as she started pulling ingredients out of the fridge. She distinctly remembered the last night, make that week, that she'd existed on her favourite comfort foods. Her first week at her new command in San Diego was a blur except from the moment she'd walked out of Harm's apartment up. She wasn't sure when the haze had begun to wear off but luckily she'd been proficient enough at her job during the time so no one had asked any questions.

Don't all the dreams we've seen come true mean anything

As she starting browning some hamburger for a spaghetti sauce she could almost hear the words he'd spoken. Words about how he thought it was time they 'moved on' because fate wasn't going to let them be together if she hadn't yet. About how a normal couple wouldn't have to go through as many struggles as they had and it wasn't worth it anymore.

You say it's different now and you keep staring at the door

If she was honest with her herself, she'd seen the fear and panic in his eyes and known that he didn't actually believe what he was saying, but desperately trying to convince her and himself that it was true. Who knows what would have happened if she'd pushed a little harder, come on a bit stronger. But she'd decided that it wasn't worth the effort. What could they ever have if she had to convince him to even give it a chance. So in the end she'd walked away, without looking back.

How can you walk away, don't I matter anymore?

She started the pasta to boil and put the top on, moving through the living room again to her bedroom to change clothes. She was still thinking about that night as she donned a pair of well worn jeans and a loose Marine Corps t shirt and sweater. Harm had just let her walk away without making a sound. He hadn't called or tried to contact her through email since then either. She'd heard second-hand knowledge from Harriet about how things were going for him in London, feining indifference in the conversation while listening intently to every word.

If being free is worth what you leave behind

She walked into the living room, stopping to take a look around at the shelves filled with books on palaeontology, law, and some new additions on endometriosis and alternative methods of conceiving a child. She wiped away a tear, turning from the image those books represented. What hope did she have now of conceiving? She wasn't going to find anyone else that she'd want to have a child with and she didn't think she could do it all on her own. Maybe in a few months she'd look into adoption but at the moment the grief was too fresh.

And if it's too late for love to change your mind

She moved to a shelf of photographs that she almost hadn't unpacked. Moments of time caught in still images that proved the old adage, a picture is worth a thousand words. They formed a timeline of the partnership that had survived so many obstacles, real and imagined. Time and time again they'd been separated by location, other people or their own stubborn feelings but they'd always managed to find a way to get back to each other. One of the later pictures of them caught her eye and she picked it up. After Harm and Vukovic had worked together on the Sanguinius case, a group from the office had gone out to McMurphy's to congratulate Bud on beating the 'Dream Team.' Harm hadn't been able to stay long as he wanted to get out to Mattie but he'd come for a few minutes and they'd been talking by the front door when Harriet had come around with a camera. They'd both griped about having their picture taken but had acquiesced and Harm had lifted an arm around her shoulders at the last moment. She'd wanted to look up at him but resisted. Harriet took the picture and when she'd finally turned Harm was reaching for his coat, his arm was gone from her shoulders and the moment was lost. It was the last time she could remember things being that easy between them.

Then it's goodbye time

Apparently he'd looked down at her while she resisted and the picture that Harriet had sent her a few weeks ago was a constant source of regret to her. If she'd only taken that chance and returned his gaze, if she'd only showed… something. Maybe he would have had hope instead of giving up on everything. She replaced the picture with a sigh and moved into the kitchen again, pushing her sleeves up. She checked the pasta and dumped a can of pasta sauce in with the meat, putting some store-bought garlic bread under the broiler. She got out a plate, glasses and utensil for one, her heart aching as she thought of all that could have possibly been.

If we had known our love would come to this

How could they have known the twists and turns their lives would take when they met? Would they have avoided them if there had been any indication of the years ahead? There were a lot of things in her life that Mac wished she could relieve, change, but nothing with Harm. Every moment had been important and had made them what they were today. Every struggle, sacrifice and joy had been leading to …something, whatever you could call the connection between them.

We could have saved our hearts the hurt of wasted years

She finished preparing her dinner and grabbed some files out of her briefcase to read while she was eating. She tried to concentrate but she kept imagining what it would be like to look up and see him sitting across from her. If he had come with her, or if she had gone with him, would they be sharing dinner and work right now? Would they be sharing their lives over a family dinner each night when Mattie joined them?

Well it's been fun - what else can I say

But she gave herself and mental shake and frowned. She couldn't keep thinking like this. She had to resign herself to her actual fate. She was alone, and would be that way for at least the near future. She couldn't see herself with anyone else, but she had to keep up some hope. She tried to find the anger that she was supposed to feel about Harm just giving up and letting her walk away but she was too tired of fighting her feelings to try to deny them again now. She couldn't really fault him for doing what they'd both done a million times over the years, second guessing the depth and nature of each other's feelings and intentions. She opened another file and decided that this wasn't going to rule her life anymore.

If the feeling's gone words won't stop you anyway

A few hours later she'd eaten and cleaned up and was hard at work at the desk in her living room. She sat up to stretch for a moment and as she lifted her head, a book caught her eye. It was a text on surrogate mothers that Harriett had given her the last time Mac had visited their house. After holding the twins Mac had separated herself and stood by a window, not seeing the view but a child with her dark looks and Harm's flyboy smile. She would love a boy and could see a little girl with Harm wrapped around her little finger. She tried to brush Harriet off when the other woman had come to talk to her, but ended up telling her the entire story and crying on her should about lost chances and fate. She couldn't help thinking about the concept again as she sat alone that night. A thought took root and would not become free. She tried making excuses to herself, saying she had too much work to do and that it would never work but found herself reaching for the phone just the same. She opened her day-timer to a never before used number that Bud had emailed her after he'd investigated a case in London. She started dialing, berating herself as she did so and almost hung up when she heard the answering machine come on. As his voice flowed over her she couldn't discern what he was saying, only that something finally clicked and she knew what she wanted, and she was going to go for it.

"Harm, I'm phoning you because…"

If being free is worth what you leave behind
And if it's too late for love to change your mind
Then it's goodbye time