Reality TV – Lower Elements Style: Chapter 2
Downtown Haven, Police Plaza. Auditorium Stage.
"Now for the rules! There will be eight rounds to this contest, the best of all reality TV shows. After each round, you, the viewer at home, vote for who they think should leave the competition and the person with the most number of votes gets kicked off. Remember, Haven residents, the outcome is in your votes laughs. And now for the first round - Fear Factor!"
Artemis suppressed a groan. He considered groaning to be a sign of weakness – his enemies could realize that he wasn't looking forward to the Fear Factor thing and use that to their advantage. But that wasn't the problem here. Artemis had seen Fear Factor before. Juliet had insisted on watching it when it was on TV and, from his observations, it usually involved the contestants doing stunts that challenged them physically and mentally. Artemis didn't mind being challenged mentally; it was the physical thing he was worried about. But there was no time for that. There was another, more worrying issue to think about here. What, why, how did Butler, Juliet and himself get here?
Don Eferk wiped his sweating face with a towel. He had forgotten how hot those stage lights got.
"Everyone! Contestants! Gather round!" he yelled, "Soon we will get on a shuttle, transport you to the surface and go to the middle of the Pacific Ocean. There we will film the first stunt. Off we go!"
Pacific Ocean
Mulch had no idea what had possessed him to stay and watch the proceedings of this disaster instead of chewing his way out of this mess. Probably the chance to see Julius getting humiliated. Mulch was certain that was going to happen sooner or later. What with Foaly, Holly and that Fowl kid here, Root was going to be turning some VERY interesting colours. He looked up. And almost passed out. This did not look good.
Foaly was grinning, having recently attached a 'Kick Me' sign to the back of Root's jumpsuit. Aaah, life was….Oh no! Above the ocean, three helicopters were supporting a large curvy piece of platform. At the end of that, there was a ramp. In the water there were several hoops. On the platform there was a primal type of Mud Man transportation. Perhaps a bus. Or some type of bike. It did not look good. He had watched Fear Factor and laughed at the Mud people as they struggled through the tasks but actually doing it himself? Ugh. He sighed. Julius better pay him overtime for this.
"Contestants over here!" Called a large gnome, "We're on in 5."
Sheryl darted in-between all the contestants, stopping to powder Root's face one last time and button up Mulch's bum flap which had come undone in all the 'excitement'.
"5-4-3-2-1, you're up!"
"Hello and welcome to Reality TV: Lover Elements Style! I am your host Don Eferk and we are here, above the Pacific Ocean, about to begin Round One of this show: Fear Factor! Soon we will begin the stunt. But what is the stunt? (Here, Don paused with a fake expression of wonder on his face. It soon disappeared.) What will happen is this: The contestant in question will be transported up to the platform that is currently suspended from three helicopters. They will then get on the motorbike and ride on the platform (at this point Grub squeaked 'Mummy!') up till the ramp. Here, they will ride up and try and get the bike to jump as far as possible over the water. The winner is the one of all of you who jumps the longest on the motorbike. Got it?"
They all seemed to be nodding; however this may have been a phantom response given that most of them were shivering on the floor whilst doing so.
"We have selected, by random order, Julius Root to go first."
Root decided to let the Julius comment go aside, considering that he was about to practically die.
"Sucker," snorted Foaly.
Root was going to shout at Foaly as well, but decided, if he was about to die, he would prefer the centaur to have happy memories of their time together. Or maybe he was just delirious.
Pacific Ocean, on the platform
Root got on the motorbike. He could see Foaly, Mulch and Trouble forming a chant: "Julius, Julius, he's our man. If he can't do it Holly can!"
This made him more determined to kick Foaly's smart butt. He revved up the engine and, with the thought of Mulch giggling at him, was off. He only slowed down a bit for the bend in the platform and as he was sailing in the air, having just jumped in the air, yelled: "SO THERE, FOALY!"
He landed on the two metre mark, meaning that he'd jumped two metres. He was wet, cold and about ten sprites had swum over to him, towed him to shore and tried to resuscitate him until he had yelled at them that he was alive, thank you very much and did they know that he was a COMMANDER of the LEP?
Pacific Ocean, on shore.
"Julius has managed to jump the motorcycle two metres! Let's see if GRUB KELP can do any better!"
Grub whimpered a sentence that probably contained the word 'mummy'. He hid behind his brother and shivered violently.
"Stop it Grub. You're embarrassing me. Can't you act like a man instead of a kindergartener?"
"Shut up Trub. You're supposed to look after me."
"Yeah? I am looking after you. Just go up, won't you?"
Grub sniveled for a bit longer then decided to go up. And if he died then it would be all Trub's fault, he thought.
Pacific Ocean, on the platform.
Grub hesitantly stepped on the motorbike.
"Don't look down!" called out Foaly, laughing.
Grub looked down. Eeek! It was so far. He felt faint.
"Go already!" Yelled Trouble.
Grub gathered his strength. He thought that it would be a good idea to close his eyes at this point. Bad idea. When he accelerated the motorcycle he couldn't see where he was going. He careened off the side of the platform, falling into the water at the -5m mark. The next thing he knew was a medic shining a light into his eyes.
"Am I dead?"
"No son. You're right as rain. Off you go!"
Grub skipped off. He was alive! He, Grub Kelp, was alive! And, he reasoned, the only reason that he didn't beat the Commander's score was that Foaly told him not to look down. Yup, it was all the centaurs fault. And, after deciding to buy the centaur a bunch of flowers, he went to look at how the others were going.
The others were going fine, except for Mulch Diggums who was the next fairy to sweat it out on the platform. He got on the motorbike and, being slightly shorter than the others, had to stand to reach the pedals. This may have been why he had no sense of balance when he accidentally accelerated the bike at full speed. He swerved at the bend and did a complicated jump at the ramp, completely by accident. He was separated from the bike and was left holding onto the ramp by his fingertips to the sound of Julius Root's hearty laughter.
Juliet Butler was next and currently completely confused.
"How did, Where did, what?" she kept asking her brother. He was worried about her. Juliet was his only sister and if she went crazy, where would he be? As Juliet was escorted onto the platform he could only look on helplessly. If they harmed one hair on his baby sister's head then heaven help them because he would be coming a-calling. But one of those lads that kept calling for her had a motorbike so she seemed to be doing okay. From what Butler could see she was still breathing, anyway.
Juliet accelerated, expertly negotiating the bent in the platform. She went up the ramp and punched the air in exhilaration as she landed, on the 2.3 metre mark. Hehehe, she thought. She had beaten the red-faced fairies score! When she was back on shore her brother hugged her until she couldn't breathe.
"Honestly, bro. You're too emotional sometimes." Yet, she thought, he is the best bodyguard around. With that thought she hugged him back. Juliet, although she wouldn't admit it to most people, was very proud of her brother.
"Artemis Fowl! Will you please go to the platform?"
It was the moment Artemis had been dreading. He'd never been on a motorcycle before and generally, physical tasks didn't agree with him. Butler was also apprehensive.
"I could hold off the fairies while you and Juliet run." Suggested the bodyguard.
Artemis shook his head. For a reason that he couldn't quite fathom he wanted to stay for the whole thing.
"I want to get to the bottom of this situation, Butler."
Butler didn't question this. Madame Ko had taught him that principals often did strange things and, as long as he remained alert, Artemis should be just fine.
Artemis had finally gotten onto the motorcycle. He knew exactly what he needed to do to complete this task successfully but, due to his considerable lack of hand-eye coordination, this was not possible.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!"
Holly smirked as Artemis and the motorcycle fell into the ocean with a large splash.
"The mud boy narrowly beat Grub's score. Well done, Artemis! Next we have Chix Verbil!"
"I'll do this for you, Cap'!" Yelled the private, blowing Holly a kiss. Her hand strayed towards the blaster attached to her belt. As he was about to approach the ramp, she blasted the motorbike he was riding at a low setting, enough to make the motorbike hot and uncomfortable. Needless to say he did not beat any records.
"My hand……slipped." She said to all the heads that turned her way, "It was an ACCIDENT! Really!"
Trouble Kelp was next, beating the Commander and Juliet's score by .09 of a metre. After him was Butler who would have done just as well if it wasn't for his considerably large mass. Next came Foaly!
"Erm….I don't think that those motorbikes are exactly made for centaurs."
Commander Root laughed, "Of course they are!"
"I really don't think-"
"Just get up there Foaly. Frond knows I need the entertainment."
Foaly flicked his tail anxiously as he was taken up to the platform. At the top he yelled: "You'll regret this!" Just the melodramatic part of his personality acting up again.
Okay, he thought to himself. Some one with my IQ should be able to do this easily. He hooked two of his legs over the motorbike, putting his hands on the handlebars. He accelerated faster than he expected and zoomed, out of control, towards the bend in the track. And as he flew over the edge there was only one word he could use to describe the moment.
"D'Arvit!"
After Foaly's somewhat failure (although he was better than Grub and Artemis) it was all left up to Holly. Not that she was worried. From what she could see this motorcycle thing wasn't much different to being in the chutes in a pod. Besides, if Mulch could do it, so could she. She sat delicately on the motorcycle, gunned the engines, and set off, roaring down the platform. She didn't slow down a bit, not even for the bends, and as they all watched she took off in a perfect arc, splashing down in the water at the three metre mark.
"She did it all for me," Said Chix proudly, watching as she swore at him from the water.
"So in first place Holly Short!" Said Don Eferk, "If this was normal Fear Factor Holly would be receiving a big bag, full to the brim with gold, right about now. But this isn't normal Fear Factor (Holly reached for her blaster again) and she might not even stay in the competition. Unless you vote for someone who you think should NOT be in this competition. So vote for to get rid of someone, and whoever gets the most votes will be leaving next week! This has been Reality TV: Lower Elements Style. Don Eferk OUT!"
AUTHORS NOTE:
I haven't had any reviews sob so far so PLEASE PLEASE PRETTY PLEASE review otherwise I'll just be here feeling lonely all by my self wallows in self pity. Anyway, you heard Don, vote! If you want Mulch out of the competition the in your review (You know you want to!) put Mulch's name. Same goes for any others. Please vote! Other wise I'll just write the next part without you're input. And that would be a pity. Seeya!
