2nd Christmas
Ianto was so nervous that he checked his list again, ignoring Tosh's soft growl of exasperation.
"It's not too late to go over to the rest home ya know" he muttered with annoyance, and she slapped him without malice.
"Bad enough you spent last Christmas alone, I'll be damned if I'm letting you do it again!" she declared and he snorted, raising his head to take her in.
"New Years will be harder" he whispered, "Remember how drunk we used to get? Walter was conceived at …"
Ianto rose and let the list fall as he scrubbed at his face, a habit she hadn't noticed before Lisa's death.
"How about you head over to spend the night with your family, then I can beg for New Years like a sad bastard, yeah?" he offered and she rose as she realised he was kicking her out.
She walked over to the little tot, sound asleep in the cute onesie she had got him for his birthday, looking so sweet.
"Good night Walty bum" she whispered as she knelt to kiss him goodnight in his little bouncer and she then escaped, hoping to get to the home in time for the goodnight hugs with her elderly aunt and the others.
Ianto watched her get into the cab he had called for her and then turned to Walter who was watching silently.
"Just you and me against the world, aye buddy?" he asked as he scooped the baby up and kissed him, then danced around the house, stopping at each picture of Lisa to tell Walter a story about the day the picture was taken.
Then he walked through to the nursery and deposited the now sleeping tot into the cot and covered him pausing to touch the bobble hat perched on the edge of the cot, his fingers flicking at the bobble.
He walked back through the house and flicked off the gaudy lights Tosh had strung on the tree he hadn't really wanted either, then flopped onto the sofa to stare at the ceiling.
Lisa would have made the eggnog, slapped him for having his feet up and enticed him to drink up and come to bed.
Tomorrow they would go to the cemetery, take the flowers sitting in the vase by the coffee machine and have a little picnic with her.
Walter had liked the bright roses and Ianto had been happy to allow him to choose, his own eyes unable to discern the bright yellow from the pale pink, all of them melting together as the tears had threatened.
It had been a stupid idea to go back to the florists he had gone to weekly to replenish her flowers at her bedside.
The fussing in Walter as they asked after Lisa, commenting that he hadn't brought blooms on so long.
Over a year, he had choked out, then pointing at Walter and saying she died when he was born.
He hated that.
Silencing a room with his anger.
Now he tried to find some silence in his own head, Lisa's scolding so loud that he wanted to scream.
But he didn't want to wake the baby.
He had seen Rhiannon the other day, across the forecourt of the mall and he had felt his bowels contracting as he shoved Walter's pram in another direction before she saw him.
Not even bothering to go to Lisa's funeral, not even bothering with a birthday card for Walter, not even …
Ianto stood and checked the baby, angry at himself for wallowing, at the drunk driver and for the whole bloody world being so fucking happy on such a cold night. Rhiannon would have her own cuddles tonight, watch her family open gifts tomorrow.
Lisa was everywhere but not where she was needed the most.
Ianto felt so damned cold in their home they had built for all three of them.
Ianto kicked a box in the hallway, moving it closer to the others that were going to the lock-up facility. It felt wrong to put some of her things in storage but at the same time ...he had to let go.
For Walter.
His wee star.
He had to find hope somewhere.
