Disclaimer: ER, its characters, and lines from the scripts belong solely to NBC studios. Spoilers for the end of Season 13.
Neela and Ray were standing shoulder to shoulder staring out the window together. "How are you doing?," Ray asked.
Neela turned to Ray, "I'm ok. Just out here to clear my head, ya know?" Ray pulled something out of his pocket that Neela couldn't quite identify. As he handed it over to her, she saw it was a CD. "What's this?," she asks.
"It's for you. I started doing a little bit of recording again, on my own and it's got some songs I've been working on."
Neela was touched, though it wasn't an extravagant gift, she had never been given a CD before. "Really?," she responds, "that's great."
"There's one about you, but you will have to figure it out, plus a few others I burned. You know some songs we used to listen to when were roommates." Neela paused for a minute. Roommates. It seemed ages ago, but once upon a time they were roommates. She remembered how she loathed when he called her roomie. Yet, as time went by, it grew on her, and, though she hated to admit it, so did he.
She pulled herself out of her memory and back into the present moment. "I'm sorry, Ray."
Ray looked up and into her eyes. "About what?"
"I thought I was coming alone and he just turned up. I didn't know what to do." Neela said, attempting to offer an explanation as to why she was escorted by Tony. She would be downright lying if she said she didn't know Ray was affected by it.
"No offense, but, um not knowing what to do has become your baseline," Ray replied, as he broke off his gaze into her eyes and turned to lean against the window sill.
Again, if Neela ignored the fact that this was upsetting to Ray, she would be lying to herself. "This isn't easy for me, Ray. I've had a pretty hard time, ever since…" She hesitated, as if attempting to find the right words, "…losing Michael; I still haven't quite…"
"Yeah, I know." Neela pondered... Does he really know?
"I mean, Tony was new. There was no history. He didn't make me think about things from before. Maybe I rushed into things because it made moving on easier." She knew there was more to it than that, and Ray deserved a better explanation, but her lips couldn't find the right words.
"So I feel like history to you?," Ray said as he turned to face her.
"I couldn't separate you from Michael. I couldn't be with you and not feel guilty." Perhaps she could deny the truth to those in the ER, to her friends, to Tony, and may be even Ray, but Neela couldn't deny herself anymore. She had fallen in love with Ray. Again, yet another thing she never planned on happening. Another event she wasn't prepared for. Michael made sense, but Ray? They were polar opposites. And yet, she had fallen for him all the same.
"What about now?," he said; reaching over and holding her wrist, rubbing it gently with his thumb.
What about now?, thought Neela. How could she admit that she had fallen in love with him, while she was married to her husband? How could she admit that all those lonely nights when Michael was fighting over in Iraq, it was not his arms she longed to be in? Not his lips she longed to kiss? They were Ray's. All Ray's. That's why she had to leave their apartment. That's why she had to leave him; physically and emotionally. Though she may not have loved Michael the way she should have or as much as she should have, she took her wedding vows seriously, and was not about to betray them. Even if it was for the man she loved more than anything in the world.
"Now?," Neela paused, "I'm not sure all that matters anymore."
He looked deeply into her eyes. "Meaning...?"
What did she mean? She had to take those courses of actions in the past; to protect herself. To protect Ray. To protect Michael. Though she was released of her vows after Michael's death, she couldn't pick up a relationship with Ray. The roots of their deepened feelings were embedded during the time of her marriage, and to allow the fruit of those roots to continue to blossom would be a form of adultery. Wouldn't it? It would be a betrayal to the memory of an honorable man.
This was the wall Neela constantly hit when it came to Ray. Ray was always waiting on the other side, but Neela couldn't climb it nor could she tear it down. There was too much at stake if she did that. Neela needed someone to fill the void in her life. The gaping hole most would assume was a result of Michael's death, but Neela knew better. The void was Ray, but that truth could never be revealed.
During this constant struggle she needed someone to fill that void. Tony was on her side of the wall. Though he may be not the smartest choice of the litter, he was safe. There were no roots. He was no way near close to filling the void, no man could measure up to Ray, but there was a part he did fill. Though he did not have an honorable purpose in her life, he still did have one. As selfish and wrong as it may be to hold on to Tony, Neela thought it would be better to have him than no one.
Before Neela had a chance to respond and make, quite possibly, the lamest attempt to form into words the thoughts which had just flown through her mind, she was requested to join Abby. Although this was an important conversation, today was Abby's day. Abby needed her, and well, she was the priority. "I'd better go," Neela mumbled.
In the midst of turning to walk away, Neela told Ray, "we'll talk later." That was when she saw it, that glimmer of hope in his eye; that tiny little sparkle that could shine as bright as the North Star. As she was walking away, Neela was overcome with the weight of despair. She loved Ray and hated to see him hurt, but struggled to understand their place in this life. If they even had one.
