1 The Magician

The Magician, garbed in the traditional robes of a magic-user, stands commandingly in front of an altar which bears runes and symbols of power. To hand are the signs of the four Elements: the Cup, the Pentacle, the Staff and the Sword. These are proof that the Magician has truly mastered, in turn, the powers and mysteries of Water, Earth, Fire and Air. He stands with one hand raised skyward and the other pointing at the earth, as if to channel and focus the magic inherent in the very earth and sky.

The card is about – skill rather than strength. Brains rather than brute force. Dexterity, ability, the power to hold an audience and mesmerise them, for good or ill. The card is about balance, about making oneself the fixed point in an ever-changing world. It could mean you're having a good day at work for once and chores and firmer difficulties become effortless. It could mean you're going to see an exceptionally good gig fronted by a charismatic performer (music, art, any skill taken to a level of excellence, is mandated here). Or it could mean you're about to manifest the subtler esoteric powers of the universe. Aleistar Crowley liked this card so much he incorporated three of 'em in his Thoth Tarot.

"Come!" said Lord Vetinari.

"Professor Stibbons, sir." said Rufus Drumknott.

"Ah! The new Vice-Chancellor! Capital!" said Vetinari, as Drumknott slipped smoothly out and Ponder Stibbons walked uncertainly in, blinking in the light of the Oblong Office.

"You asked for me, sir?" Ponder said, and then his brain caught up with his ears. "There hasn't been a Vice-Chancellor for many years now, not since…"

"Since Vice-Chancellor Treatle was carried away with the romance and the reflected glory of the Sourceror, and paid the ultimate price?" Vetinari completed the sentence for him.

"In recent informal conversations with the Arch-Chancellor, we are both of a mind that the stability of the university, which by extension contributes a good deal to the security and well-being of the City, would be enhanced by the re-introduction of this post. Mustrum Ridcully is getting no younger. He agrees the university might benefit from younger men in senior positions."

Vetinari picked up a paper-knife from the desk, looked it at thoughtfully for a moment, and then started to oddly toss it into the air, catching it in the opposite hand.

"You first came to my attention when it became necessary to send a vehicle into space in such a manner that it returned safely to the Disc. I was quite impressed with you."

Vetinari picked up the inkwell from his desk and nonchalantly tossed it up. It arced high in the air and turned lazily at the top of its parabola, crossing paths with the knife on its way to the opposite hand.

"Mustrum and I were both of the mind that you are the ideal man for the position of Vice-Chancellor. A wizard second in the hierarchy only to the Arch-Chancellor. Unchallengedly so, as the former Dean is no longer part of the structure and the Bursar tends to inhabit different planets under different skies. And of course another effect of the time of the Sourceror was the demise and ending of the old Eight Orders of Wizardry."

Vetinari cast a speculative look at the ornamental truncheon on the desk.

"I see Commander Vimes has forgotten his badge of office yet again" he tutted. "Discussions with him can sometimes get heated and he does tend to storm out as truculently as he dares. Pass that up to me, would you, Vice-chancellor?"

In a daze, Ponder picked up the wand of office and lobbed it underarm into the whirling arc of disparate objects. Vetinari's hands were starting to blur now.

"But sir, I'm not qualified!" Ponder objected. Vetinari shrugged. There was a brief self-righting wobble in the orbit of items around him.

"Who is?" he asked. "I myself ascended to the Patricianship at a relatively young age. Lord Snapcase had gone too far. He had… overbalanced, some might say – when he ordered a thief called Boggis to eat his own nose. Popular sentiment took over and it was considered a cruel and unusual punishment. Rather than risk another Glorious Revolution, the Guild leaders opted to elect a young man to the post, thinking, no doubt, that his relative youth might be steered and controlled by older and wiser heads."

Vetinari smiled a nostalgic smile.

"Vice-Chancellor Stibbons, only one more item is required. Can I trouble you for a small fireball? About the size of a clenched fist should suffice. Thank you."

Ponder mumbled the words and pointed. A cricket-ball sized fireball flashed into existence and joined the objects being juggled. He was surprised it did not seem to be burning Vetinari's hands. Then again, the ink in the inkwell should have spilled by now, but there was a resolute absence of large black puddles on the carpet.

In reply to Ponder's unspoken question, the Patrician said

"You succeed by being the fulcrum. The balance point, the point of stability around which everything else mutates and changes. You remain the dictating tyranny while all else is in mutation. (1) If your point of balance is absolutely right, a man with the correct lever may move the whole world. And do so in such a way that he leaves others continually wondering how he does it."

The objects in flight suddenly changed directions, one by one. The inkwell landed on the desk, slopping but not spilling its contents. The baton and the paper knife landed beside it. The fireball flew off to the fireplace and was consumed. Then Vetinari was the Patrician again, leaning one hand on his desk for support and gravely studying Ponder's reactions.

"In esoteric lore, Vice-Chancellor, what was the significance of those four items?"

"The four classic Ephebian elements, sir. The inkwell for water; the knife for air; the wooden baton for earth; and the fireball for, well, fire. Ephebian magic stresses that the wizard keep all four in perfect balance and yet tread lightly on the earth."

"I discovered I could do this while on business in Klatch some years ago. I practice occasionally for recreation". Vetinari explained. "The hand and eye co-ordination involved has stood me in good stead ever since. It was very good practice for running a City."

He paused.

"Or a University." he added, nodding at Ponder. "I have every confidence in you, Vice-Chancellor. I'm sure you will be able to get the change in the Lore through Conclave which will allow Wizards to marry. There are a lot more younger wizards than there are older, after all. Especially those who see the skull-ring as a, er, babe-magnet"

"I understand, sir." Ponder said. He had a lot to gain personally if the Lore were liberalised – to allow wizards to marry and have normal marital relations, but expressly no more than seven children. Older wizards were against it. Younger men were all for it.

"My advice to you is to go round to the Guild of Fools – as regrettably, they now own the Conjuror's Guild – and get yourself on a juggling course. That redoubtable young lady of yours is very good at juggling. Well, juggling throwing knives, at least. She may well assist."(2)

"Yes, my Lord." Ponder said.

"Thank you, Vice-Chancellor."


(1) OK, this is an unsubtle reference to the Blue Öyster Cult's second album,Tyranny and Mutation. But the idea of the Magician goes with the themes of the LP!

(2) As has been pointed out to the author, he is presuming here that the reader knows his other fanfic. Those who only know the canon will not be aware that in the Pessimal continuation of the Discworld, Ponder Stibbons has been allowed a girlfriend who not only quite likes him, she is quite taken with him. In the best Pratchett tradition of somewhat ineffectual wimpy men attracting strong and otherwise self-sufficient women ( think Nijel and Conina) she is an Assassin. For a wizard who regularly tampers with the fabric of reality, faces down the Faculty, and deals with Mustrum Ridcully every day, he actually finds her interest in him to be quite relaxing. See Nature Studies (originally The Urban Safari) , where Howondalandian natural scientist and Assassin Johanna Smith-Rhodes (herself a marginal Pratchett ciaracter) first meets wizard and technomancer Ponder Stibbons. Although the Disc only begins to move for them both (in this respect we have two very intelligent slow learners) in Il se pasait au nuit du Pere Porcher. (Which, by the way, is in English. It only got a French title because two central characters are Quirmians). And the Disc definitely moves for them both in Whys and Weres. I wanted to explore issues of wizardly celibacy and how appropriate it was for the new Ridcully-driven age. These are the tales.