Part Two
Alexis heads to the chapel but Sonny isn't there. She curses herself for not following after him quicker. And for following after him at all. She should be at home with her daughters...explaining the unexplainable.
She searches the halls, her eyes wild, and her hands shaking. She isn't even sure what she would say to him if she did find him but she looks anyway. If she could help herself, if she could just leave and do what she has to do without letting her emotions rule her brain she would. That is who she wants to be. That strong woman who doesn't ache for anyone. But that's not who she is at all.
Right now she feels so weak, so lost, but she can't give into that. She has to find him. She'll figure out the rest later. Her brain will finally kick back into gear, she is sure, and then she can be sensible once more. Not ruled by her heart. The heart that got her into this mess. The heart that just won't stop making her give a damn about him.
She turns a corner and he is there, with his back to her. Alexis reaches out and gently touches his shoulder. His hand comes up and grips hers. She leans close to him, wanting to say something that will ease his grief, but there are no words that can do that. Instead his name falls off her lips. "Sonny."
He turns around. Like a crash of thunder his gaze hits hers. "I did this."
Alexis longs to say No, you didn't. Its there resting on her tongue. No, you didn't. But it won't come out.
She wants to say Come home with me and see your daughter. See life. See hope. See our miracle. But she will never say anything like that to him again. She wants to promise Next month, next year, next decade things will be better. We'll come out the other side of this...all of us. But they won't.
All she can do is hold onto him, so she grabs both of his hands in hers. For one minute they are anchored together. If they could stay this way...maybe...but they can't. She can't let them. She's too smart of a woman for that. And her brain will out rule her heart one more time. Even if she has to do...what she has to do...gasping for breath, she will do it.
Sonny knows it. As he looks at her, he knows. He won't ask her to believe in him another time. For he doesn't even believe the lie he can protect them anymore. His protection is worthless. And his love...not much better, in his opinion, so what is there left to say or offer?
"That day..." he chokes out under his breath "that day...you did the right thing, okay? No child should have ever been in my home...my life...my world. You had a beautiful-"
"Please, don't do this right now."
"Listen to me...hear me...I get it...you had this beautiful life...in you...our baby girl. And no matter what you thought of me...what you wanted...you did what you had to for her. Cause you saw this...you saw it coming...you knew. When I found out about Kristina...you told me...you told me! You told me her life would be in danger because of me...because of my choices. But I didn't listen. I wanted it ALL. I had to have it all. I figured I paid my dues. My mother, Lily,...two babies I never held...you. I had paid! And I wasn't giving up anything else. So I drug Kristina close to me. For me! Because I was a father and I wasn't going to lose my children. But I did, Alexis, I did...I have...you know it. Say it! Just SAY it."
She can't though. So instead her hands move to hold his face and her forehead touches his. His hands grasp at her, pulling her closer, and neither cares what patients or doctors or nurses see when they walk by. What anyone thinks. They don't even exist in that moment.
Their fragile embrace, with hands shaking and tears in their eyes, is all they have left...just a few stolen seconds that end too soon, where they both know there will be no more chances to undo what they have done. No way back to the moment where they went all wrong.
He steps back first. He hands fall to his shoulders, then his chest, clutching at his clothes desperately Her foolish heart needing just one more minute...or even a second...anything. Just don't let this be the end.
Sonny tells Alexis "Do what you have to do." Each word falls like a death sentence verdict.
He turns to walk away and she says "Just so you know, you aren't the sole one responsible. I wanted you more than I wanted to be safe. You didn't bring me into this life...I jumped in...because that's where you were. And Carly walked in with her eyes open and so did Jason and Jax and Kate...we all knew the dangers...we all knew...what the consequences could be."
Those words are the only absolution she can offer. She prays it will be enough to keep him alive. The last words he says to her before he leaves her there, rooted to the floor with all the dreams she would have swore she let go of years before now dead around her feet, tell Alexis that Sonny doesn't accept her rationalizations.
"Only a monster would do what I have done to my children."
XXXXXXXXXXXX
"I wanted to tell him he wasn't a monster. Because he's not, Jax. He's a lot of things...but not that," she says, around midnight that night.
Jax just looks away.
"But he walked off while I was still grasping for the words," Alexis admits. "I wanted to tell him that he still had Kristina, Morgan, Molly, Spencer...children he can love and protect and do right by. But I couldn't! Cause he doesn't have any of that. Carly is just crazy enough to shoot him before ever letting him be in a room alone with Morgan again and Nikolas...he hasn't let Sonny ever see Spencer and I don't think he ever will."
"Can you blame him?"
"And me...I know he can't bear another loss. I know that. I know what I'm doing to him."
"You're doing what you have to do. You're an amazing mother and you couldn't do anything but this. I should have forced Carly to do the same thing...or left her. I shouldn't have been a party to sitting idly by while a twelve year old child played with guns and had buildings fall down on him. If I did something then..."
"If, Jax. Its too late for if. There is only what is."
Jax would leave her within hours, cutting the last tie to her former life. Just like when she had to stop being Natasha Davidovich, in order to survive, she would have to stop being Alexis Davis. Though, by any name, she would love the only man she ever let get inside...she couldn't love him in the midst of bullets being shot at her babies. Not anymore.
Maybe they never had a shot at all. Maybe it was a devil's bargain right from the start. To get close enough to feel it all, but not close enough to have it all. Or maybe they just said the wrong words that day, turned left when they should have went right on their road. But whatever answer was true, it didn't really matter. What could have been, what she had been subconsciously banking on from the moment they first kissed, would never be now.
Not unless Sonny left the mob and they let him leave. Both things he swore were impossible. He was trapped in that life but Alexis couldn't let Kristina and Molly be trapped too. Sam could make her own choice but Alexis had to make this one for her younger daughters. Their lives depended on her doing the one thing she could almost not bear to live through doing...leaving Sonny behind for good.
She looked over at her sleeping daughters. They were excited to be heading on a vacation. Soon she would have to find the words to tell them the truth. They could never go home again.
THE END
