…
A knock on the door woke up Killian from his light sleep. He got up from the ground, hardly keeping his balance, letting the book he had on his lap fall to the floor. The noise made Regina mumble something that Killian didn't understand. He stumbled until the door.
As soon as he opened the door his heart sank a little and he almost forgot how to speak.
"Henry …" – he softly said, looking at the boy in front of him.
"Hi" – Henry said with a small smile.
Killian noticed that the boy was holding something, not something – two cups of coffee. His mind was immediately invaded by memories of Emma and him drinking coffee together by the morning. Seeing Henry doing the same thing that Emma and he used to do warmed his heart and at the same time made him miss Emma even more.
He forced a smile when Henry offered him the cup and tried to disguise the trembling of his hand. Before he could say thank you the boy spoke:
"I was worried about you" – he said –"How are you doing?" – he asked, staring at Killian's eyes.
"I'm still trying to process all that happened" – Killian said as his blue eyes met Henry's big brown eyes.
"Yeah, me too but I think that we should –"
"Henry?" – a familiar voice interrupted him.
Henry entered in the room and saw Regina approaching him. Her hair and makeup were a little mussed.
"Mom? What are you doing here?" – Henry asked confused –"Robin?" – he added, seeing the thief seated on Killian's bed.
"Hi lad" – Robin said yawning.
"You look like the three musketeers" – Henry said smiling –"Are you working on some plan?" – he immediately asked, turning his attention to Regina. Before the Queen could answer the boy spoke again –"Operation The Three Musketeers, sounds pretty good actually. So, what's the plan?"
"We don't have a plan" – Regina said, running her hand through her hair.
"Yet!" – Henry added.
"Henry…" – Regina tried to say.
"Just because it's called Operation The Three Musketeers doesn't mean that I can't help, right?" – he said, not waiting for an answer, looking around the room –"This place is a mess"
Before Killian could protest Regina spoke:
"You should have been at school" – she said, trying to get Henry's attention.
"It's Saturday mom and I want to help" – Henry simply said –"Killian?" – he asked, turning his attention to Killian, searching for some kind of support.
"I think –" – Killian started to say.
"I know what you think and the answer is no" – Regina interrupted him before he could finish his sentence –"The situation is already bad as it is. I'm not going to risk put my son in danger just because you think that's the best thing to do"
"What's that supposed to mean?" – Killian asked, raising his voice.
"It means that I'm the parent here!" – Regina said –"And unlike you I know what's best for him"
"Do you?" – Killian immediately said –"Maybe you like being with Henry alone. Maybe you like not having Emma around!" – he added.
"Excuse me?" – Regina said. She tried to take a step forward but Robin grabbed her arm.
"What? Am I wrong?" – Killian challenged her.
"She saved me, you moron!" – Regina exclaimed – "Do you think I'm that selfish?"
"So let the boy help us find her" – Killian insisted –"Are you really going to deny him the chance to find his mother?"
Regina looked at Henry who was at Killian's side.
She knew that he wanted to help them find Emma but at the same time he was just a boy; she didn't want him to get hurt.
What if they didn't find any answers? What if every new information only lead them to a dead-end?
She didn't know if she would be able to see his son go through all of that suffering and disappointment. She didn't know if she would be able to see his son's optimism disappear little by little.
"He found her once, he can do it again" – Killian said, feeling Henry's eyes on him.
Regina stood in silence for a few seconds trying to decide what to do. She noticed the way Henry was looking at Killian. His big brown eyes were shinning. Killian was giving him hope. She couldn't take that away from him. She felt Robin's hand caressing her arm and looked at him. She needed to know that she was doing the right thing.
"Fine" – she finally said, turning her attention to Killian and Henry.
Henry's body collided against Regina's.
"Thank you mom" – the boy softly said as he hugged her tight. Regina caressed his soft brown hair gently and then kissed the top of his head.
Robin and Killian shared a look as they both saw mother and son holding each other. Killian knew that Regina wasn't the easiest person to deal with but he could also see why Robin loved her. Her temper could not be her best virtue but she had a soft and loving heart. Killian knew that she would never admit it but Regina cared about people, that's why she had helped him and healed his wound on the other night; that's why she invaded his room and turned him into a mess … because she cared.
She was strong and even if she had once been the Evil Queen, she had now a light inside of her that drew people to her; that drew Robin to her just like Emma drew him to her.
Both women were fearless and kind. They both had walls and they both loved deeply.
Henry caught Killian looking at him and smiled.
The boy mouthed thank you to him and Killian felt his heart warm.
XXXXXXXXXX
A total waste of time. They had spent the whole day reading books and trying to decode the Apprentice's final words and they didn't find anything that could lead them to Emma. It was like they were trying to do a puzzle without enough pieces to complete it.
His eyes found the dagger on his desk and he couldn't help a half crazed chuckle. He had spent almost three hundred years looking for that dagger and now, as he looked at the cursed blade that was right in front of him he felt more powerless than ever.
He didn't even feel the sting of the rum, sliding down his throat.
He tried to remain sober during the day but once he left Regina's house he immediately went to Granny's and asked for the bottle of rum. After a few minutes, Killian grabbed the bottle and made his way to his room. He needed to be alone.
He looked at the almost empty bottle as he felt his head spinning, realizing that one bottle of rum wasn't going to be enough to ease his pain; nothing would be enough anymore.
He had tried to remain strong and optimist but he couldn't, not anymore. He couldn't be strong without Emma, he could only be weak.
Without Emma Swan he was only a one-handed pirate with a drinking problem. He couldn't be the hero that she saw in him. How could he be a hero if he didn't save her? He was a failure.
"Why?" – Killian murmured –"Why did you have to do that? Why did you have to leave me?!" - he growled loudly, standing and slamming the bottle he was holding onto the door's room.
"I can't do this …" – he whispered before his voice broke with emotion as he looked at the door, waiting for a miracle –"I can't Swan …" – he continued to say –"I just … I just can't …"
He could feel his eyes burning with unshed tears. He tried to take a step forward but he lost his balance and fell to his knees. He remained on the ground for a few seconds, looking at the pieces of glass scattered all over the room.
A few minutes later he forced himself to stand up. His eyes caught the dagger and approached the desk. He grabbed the weapon and looked at the name engraved on it. Emma Swan. He tightened his fist around the dagger. He needed to see her.
"E-Emma S-Swan … I-I summon thee" – he uttered faintly. Silence invaded the room as he waited for the woman he loved to appear –"Appear!" – he said, this time louder.
Once more he waited and once more no one came. He was alone. He could feel an actual physical pain at the thought of never seeing her again. He knew that Emma wasn't in this world and that she wasn't going to appear but a part of him still hoped that a miracle would happen and bring Emma back to him.
He heard the dagger fall from his hand to the floor with a clatter and let himself fall to the ground as well.
"It should have been me" – he whispered, his vision blurred –"I should have been the one to disappear … not you" – he added, trying to read her name on the dagger –"I should have saved you" – he sobbed.
Killian closed his eyes in his failed attempt to disappear. He wanted to disappear just like Emma did…
He wanted to find her but how could he find her when he was the one who was lost?
Killian remained on the floor, picturing Emma's face until the sleep became stronger than him and Emma's face was replaced by darkness.
…
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