Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight (and I don't think I'd like to either), Hellsing or Deathnote. I also do not possess the "beauty" of the Cullens', the dry wit of Alucard, the rock hard abs of Jacob. I do however believe that Light Yagami totally stole the crazy superiority complex angle from me. Damn him. Potential- sorry, almost CERTAIN- Twilight mocking, so don't read if you're a fangirl. For the love of all that isn't vampirish, don't read it. I can't stand another Team whatever threatening to shiv me, or worse yet, to make me watch Eclipse. I do not own ANYTHING trademarked in this fic (I could tell you EVERYTHING, but that would ruin parts, ya know?). Enjoy!

Dedicated to my loving reviewers; Lykania, Angel, LittleFanGirl

THE SECOND DAY: JUDGEMENT HATH APPROACHED

A mere 12 hours had passed since the suicide of Esme, and many members of the vampire world had flocked to the Cullen residence to console, examine, and generally be nosy.

The Cullen family huddled together closely on the white sofa, shivering though they felt no cold. The sheer atrociousness of the situation was settling in upon them, like fragments of a nightmare piecing themselves together. Esme was dead, by her own hand. This had never happened before in vampire history. Every author with below minimal research knew this.

"I don't understand," Aro muttered, stalking around the remains of Esme, in a manner unlike that of a large ostrich. Caius and Marcus watched on, practicing their brooding glances on Bella, who was wedged between Edward and Emmett.

Edward coughed, breaking the silence left after Aro muttered and poked at Esme's shredded corpse with his expensive loafers. The remaining members of the Volturi gathered in a small knit circle, snickering as Edward dramatically cried, "Oh Esme, whatever happened to you-" before getting cut off by booming laughter. Edward's head slowly swivelled to the source of the laughter, the Volturi that were still huddled together and shaking with pent up giggles.

In an instant, Carlisle snapped to their sides, smacking Volturi out the way to see what the disturbance was, angered by the disrespect near his dead wife's...limbs.

"What is the ruckus? How dare you befoul the peace of my...HA! I love Sheldon, he has the best lines!"

The remaining vampires and Bella perked up, and raced to crowd around Carlise.

"You guys were watching the Big Bang Theory and didn't tell us?' Emmett cried, shouldering vampires out of the way. Alice leapt onto his shoulders, and glanced over everyone's head. She gasped, and shouted out in glee "Jane has a flipping Iphone! It has Youtube!"

Silence fell around the room, as they waited for Sheldon to give one of his infamous one liners. The volume on the Iphone was set to its loudest volume as he uttered "A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a drink. The bartender replies "for you, no charge".

"BAZINGA!" They all cried, cheering. After several minutes of cackling, they sobered up, and readdressed the issue of Esme's demise. Edward pulled out a toy doctor kit, and helped examine her remains.

"My medical degree and plastic needle tell me that she is well and truly gone from our world," he began sombrely, before a scowling Carlisle cut him off with a simple "shut up, Edward."

Aro nodded, contemplating her decapitated head, which was slowly swinging along the ceiling fan. "I agree, she's dead, I mean, more dead than previously. There is no way she could have killed herself, which means another vampire had to do it." Everyone began to eye one another, before he hastily added "or one of those darn werewolves. Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was one of them. I mean, look at the gouges in her, those are clearly manicured nails that ripped this skin up."

Every vampire in the room discreetly checked their own perfectly maintained nails, before stuffing them into their pockets and whistling innocently. Bella however jumped to her feet angrily.

"There are no werewolves here, how could they have done it!" She cried passionately, stamping her foot. Aro rolled his eyes, and replied, "Perhaps you did it?"

A terrified squeak emerged from her lips as she vigorously shook her head and hid in Edward's coat front. As this was happened, Alice had a vision, and the instant she regained mobility, she stepped forward, yelling.

"Someone is about to die!"

Instantly, all the vampires broke off into their respective covens, hissing at one another, and eye everyone off. Bella was trampled by the Cullens', shoved protectively between them all. As they continued to face one another, Jane of the Volturi stepped forward, slowly making her way Edward's piano, a glazed expression on her face. They all watched on in curiosity as she reached for the headphones resting on his piano stall, plugging them into her Iphone. She turned to the group, and announced in a monotone, "It's Miley time."

Before they could react, she turned the music up on her phone, and fell to the ground, shaking. Aro lunged forward, in a bid to save her, but he was too late. Terrible music had rendered her brain dead.

"NOOOO!" he cried dramatically, falling to his knees. Everyone around him proceeded to do the same, while Alice snuck up to Jane, pulling the Iphone from her cold grip, then raced up the stairs to her room to hide her new treasure.

After several moments of panic, the remaining vampires composed themselves, and promptly began freaking out again when they realise there was two dead undead girls in the room.

AN: If anyone is OOC, it's for the purposes of humour, I tried to be accurate. Lol. That's a lie =D

~Nacina~