The tiled walls echoed loudly with each step Fang too. She couldn't help but despise the sound, it was clinical and harsh to the ear. Sounds carried down the halls with a surprising sharpness. She could make out the sounds of someone sobbing from behind one of the large metal doors they passed, and the sound of someone throwing a fit somewhere deeper into the hospital. She had barely been there five minutes and already she wanted to leave.
"This wing is where you will be staying, you'll have free roam of the hospital, unless otherwise marked. Please keep your room tidy, it cuts down on inspection times and keeps us out of your hair." Miss. Read explained motioning to the rows of metal doors that lined the hall.
Fang very quickly saw the imposing doors as jail cells. They were heavy, and made a loud creaking and slamming sound every time one opened. She noted a small clear window at eye level and made a face. "What's with the peep-show windows?"
"For safety reasons. Some patients need to be under strict watch. It allows us to check up on patients without interrupting them."
"Oh..." Fang mumbled to herself. "So... privacy is...?"
"Unfortunately, limited. However, some patients are granted more than others."
"How much will I get?"
"Well, that depends on your assessment and behaviour." Miss. Read motioned to a door marked with the number thirteen and lead Fang inside.
The room itself was very small, room enough for one small cot and a metal cabinet that was bolted to the light green tiled walls. A small window, across from the door was lined internally with a wire mesh, and Fang made a face when she realised her view was not much more than another brick wall, a few metres back. The room was otherwise barren.
"That's somehow more depressing than I thought it would be..." Fang sighed and sat on the bed, tossing her patient scrubs on the foot of the bed. She took a moment to take in her room and leaned back on her hands. She made another face when her hand came into contact with her pillow. It felt odd to the touch, rougher than she had expected. She turned to it and ran her hand along it before pulling up the pillow case and peeking inside. "Is my pillow made of plastic?"
Miss. Read grimaced slightly at the question, "It's a blend of cotton and polymer. It's to prevent suffocation."
Fang stared at her a moment in slight disbelief before running a hand through her hair. "Oh Etro, I think this was a mistake..."
Miss. Read gave a small sympathetic smile before sitting on the bed next to Fang. "I know it's not much to look at, Fang. Your room is meant more to store your things, and sleeping. You're here to get better and sometimes... precautions need to be taken."
"Can I at least lock the door?"
Miss. Read pursed her lips slightly at the question and Fang groaned.
"It's for sa-"
"-Safety... I get it.." Fang cut her off with a sigh and a nod, "You can't have patients locking you out if they need help."
"Exactly. The dorm rooms are almost never locked. They can be locked in rare occasions if we deem it necessary."
"What kind of occasions?"
"Well, if someone is having a violent psychotic episode, they can be locked in their room if medication isn't working or if a patient is required by law to be assessed we can hold them for 72 hours. Not everyone wants to stay. Sometimes we have to make them." Miss. Read explained. "We very rarely resort to that. We want you to feel free here. I know it looks like a prison cell, but it's not. This is a hospital. We're not your guards, we're here to help you."
Fang nodded and took another look around her room. Even with Miss. Read's reassurance, she couldn't see the room as anything but a cage. "Where's the bathroom?"
"Down the hall on the left."
Fang made a small grimace. She had a feeling community bathrooms would be a thing. She just hoped she would have the luxury of taking a shower without anyone watching her. "So... What are the rules? What can I get away with?"
Miss. Read smiled and stood up again. "Well, breakfast starts at seven, if you're not up before then, you can miss it, but we do keep small snacks on hand in the cafeteria, just in case. Lunch is at noon, and dinner at six. Please try to be on time. No touching other patients. No sharp objects-"
Fang perked up slightly, "-What about a pencil?"
"We can provide you with crayons, but if you would like to join an art group, you can have access to a pencil there. It has to stay in the room though."
"Seriously?"
Miss. Read nodded, "Afraid so. Even if you don't believe yourself to be a risk, other patients are." Fang sighed in response and Miss. Read continued. "Depending on how you're assessed, you may be watched more closely, however we wont interfere with you unless we need to, but understand that someone will be checking on you from time to time, making notes in your file, so be on good behaviour. We have something of a points system here. The more you cooperate, eat your meals, join in group sessions, ect, the more points you earn."
"What do these points get me?" Fang quirked a brow.
"Special liberties. Sometimes snacks, an hour outside, more privacy. It's more or less a scale. The better your score the more freedoms you'll have and the worse, the more strict we will have to be."
"Right," Fang mumbled to herself and then promptly cringed, reminded of why she was there. She had picked up the habit of responding with the simple word from her memories or Lightning. She felt her chest tighten, wondering if she was betraying Lightning just by being there. She felt a small ache in her chest and pushed it aside. She couldn't dwell on it. She knew the only thing it would accomplish would be to put her in more pain, so she pushed it to the back of her mind.
"I'll let you get changed and then I will show you to the common room, and the cafeteria." Miss. Read smiled warmly before stepping out of the room and closing the door behind her, seeming not to notice Fang's conflict.
At the metal sound of the door closing, Fang let out a long sigh. Glancing around the room again, she dreaded thinking about how long she might have to stay there. She felt her heart rate pick up and reminded herself that she was there voluntarily. She was there because Vanille needed her to be. She was there because she needed to be there. So she swallowed hard and stood up, stripping off her clothes, storing them in the metal cabinet and putting on her light, soft-green, patient scrubs. She took a moment to assess the clothes and was surprised to find them quite comfortable but the idea of wearing them gave her a feeling of shame she hadn't expected. She wasn't sure if it was because it made her situation real, or if it was because it separated her from the normal people but suddenly it was very clear that she was a patient in a mental hospital.
She ran a hand through her hair again, wondering how long it would take to adjust to the feeling. She always knew something was wrong with her, but she never saw herself ending up in a place like this. She remembered her alternate lives, but that didn't make her crazy. For a brief moment she thought about changing her mind, picking up her things and simply leaving. Maybe Vanille hadn't left yet and they could just go home and forget this whole thing had never happened.
"Vanille..." Fang shook her head, reminded again of the pain she put the poor girl through earlier in the week. Maybe she didn't consider herself crazy, but she was certainly in pain and her pain was hurting her only family so she got up and walked out the door.
"Ready to continue?" Miss. Read asked softly and Fang simply nodded her head. "Okay, follow me."
They walked down to the end of the hall and out into a large room. In the centre there were chairs and tables set up, a few people were sitting around, talking amongst themselves. Others sat quietly by themselves, looking despondent. The room was both quite and loud at the same time. Fang could hear everything anyone said clearly and a pin drop, but the sounds carried. The sound seemed to carry everywhere in the hospital. No where was particularly quiet. Everything had an echo to it Fang didn't care for.
"This is the cafeteria, along here is where you will grab your tray and you will line up for your food. There will always be a tech in this room if you need help. They will make sure you have everything you need so don't be afraid to ask them for anything. They're here to help you." Miss. Read continued to walk as she pointed out things in the room. "There is the nursing station, that's where you will go for any meds you've been prescribed, and you will take them there. If we find any medication in your room, you will lose points. Understood?"
"I don't need medication."
"Well, you'll have to discuss that with your doctor once we get you in for an assessment, okay?"
"Right." She winced again when the word left her mouth.
"Through these doors is the common room where you can relax, watch some TV and read. It's where most of the patients tend to spend the day and just down this-"
"Morning, Read." A large graying man with bushy white eyebrows nodded his head in their direction, effectively cutting her off. Miss. Read stopped her tour and immediately smiled widely at the man.
"This is your last day here, isn't it?"
Fang was almost taken aback by how casual Miss. Read had sounded. During their tour, she had sounded so professional that Fang nearly forget that she was just another person.
"Sure is... and I never hope to come back!" The old man laughed heartily and clapped her on the shoulder before nodding to Fang and continuing on his way.
Fang knitted her eyebrows watching him leave, and noticed he was wearing slacks and a sweater vest, "How come he gets to wear normal clothes?"
Miss. Read laughed lightly at the question, "That's doctor Grayson, he's retiring today. He's been here longer than I can remember."
"Oh." Fang glanced around at the surprisingly clean room. The far end had a large glass window, bringing in bright natural light and a few people sat in chairs by the window, looking outside to pass the time. The room was full of an eclectic variety of people. She noticed one of the girls by the window sat rocking nervously on her chair as she stared off into the distance. Fang then noticed the soft leather straps she had tied to her wrists that held her to the chair. She knitted her eyebrows together in slight confusion before really taking in the people around her.
A frail girl sat at one of the tables, a full plate of food in front of her and a tech nearby, coaxing her into eating something. The girl would shake her head every time the tech would say anything to her, refusing to eat, and it showed. Her frame was small, so small that Fang was sure a strong gust of wing would take her off her feet.
Another patient stood from his seat upon seeing Fang and made a beeline towards her, mumbling something on his way. He twitched a little as he stood in front of her and assessed her. His dark hair was slicked back but clearly fraying. Fang would have guessed he was in his late forties but looking closer he seemed younger. Time hadn't been good to the man. His cheeks were sunken and the bags under his eyes were deep.
"George, how are you feeling today?" Miss. Read asked as though the way he was acting was completely normal.
"They got to you. They..." He shook his head and eyed Fang suspiciously. "You're working for them now, huh? You got some nerve showing yourself here. You know what I can do!" The man shook with each sentence and Fang stood confused trying to figure out what he was talking about. As far as she knew, she had never seen the man before in her life. He was clearly in his own world.
"George, it's okay. She doesn't work for them. She's here-"
"Yes, she does! I know she does! You think I don't recognize that face? She's the one who kidnapped my wife!"
"George..." Miss. Read placed a hand on his shoulder, calmly. "You're having an episode. You didn't cheek your pills again, did you?"
"I don't need no pills! I need her to give me my wife back!" George pointed a finger in Fang's face and Fang gave him a look. She'd never met a person so clearly unhinged before.
"George, it's okay. She didn't take your wife. She's another patient."
"I'm... I'm not though. I... know she does. I..." Fang knitted her eyebrows, trying to understand him, but quickly realized that there was no cohesive thoughts to follow. His sentences were fragmented and disjointed. She wondered if he even understood what he was saying. He mumbled and shook his head, a new found confidence in what he was sure he knew."No. She does. Don't lie to me."
Miss. Read pursed her lips slightly and turned her attention to Fang. "Fang, if you'll just wait through those doors, I'll come and get you for your assessment in a little bit. I'm going to tend to George, here."
Fang, not really knowing what was going on was more than happy to let the tech do her job. "Is... is he okay?"
"He'll be fine. Go on."
Fang nodded again and made her way across the room, about to cross over into the common room, when a smaller girl ran up next to her. "It's schizophrenia."
"Sorry?" Fang stopped, turning her attention to the girl. She looked more comfortable than anyone else in the room, like she understood everything that was going on. Fang guessed she had been there for some time, or at the very least, had been there once or twice before.
"He's never even been married." Fang glanced back to the man that Miss. Read was trying to talk down. He was still shaking and arguing with her while pointing wildly at Fang. "He's delusional. Thinks the government stole his wife, but he's never had a wife. Don't worry. He's not violent though, he just talks big."
Fang glanced down at her and gave her a look before noticing the white gauze wrapped around the girl's wrists. She could easily guess what was underneath. The more she took in the people around her, the more out of place she felt. They all clearly needed to be there and Fang couldn't see herself in them, or more accurately, refused to see herself in them. She didn't think her problems warranted hospitalization like their's did. Despite knowing why she was there, it didn't feel real. "I don't think I'm supposed to be here..."
"Mm, well! You must be here for some reason! We're all here for some reason!"
Fang simply glanced at her, refusing to be one of them. She shook her head and walked through the door and into the common room without another word. She didn't need to be there. She was just here to get some things under control so she could go back to her life and not hurt anymore. She wasn't broken like they were. She just had a few screws loose that needed tightening.
"No, I didn't make her up!" Fang said in exhaustion "It's like... past lives. Alternate realities. Each time I'm brought into the world, she is too."
"Past lives? So, you've lived here before?" Dr. Gaider arched an eyebrow and leaned back in his leather chair.
"No... Not here." Fang paused, it all made such perfect sense in her head, but it was hard to accurately explain to someone on the outside. She watched as nurses, techs and other patients passed by the large glass window in Dr. Gaider's office, as she tried to word her thoughts accurately. "Here... but not here. It's always Gran Pulse and Cocoon, but... things unfold... differently."
Dr. Gaider cleared his throat and sat up in his chair before stroking at his chin slightly. "Okay." The old man said as he shifted in his seat, trying to get comfortable. "So this, Light? She's been with you since you were very young?"
Fang nodded her head. "As vividly as you and I sitting here." Fang said then shook her head a little, "but not... here." she said again. "Like... memories of her."
"So she's not... here?" Dr. Gaider asked as he fiddled slightly with his pen, before jotting something down.
Fang felt herself roll her eyes and tried to calm herself as she watched people mill by, outside of the window. "No, she's never been here physically. I just know things. They're memories."
Dr. Gaider nodded his head,"Mmm. So... These memories. How do they present themselves? Is it auditory? Do you ever see things?"
"No. They're like... any other memory. I remember what I ate for breakfast yesterday. It's like that."
He nodded in understanding. "You say... Every time you're brought into the world, she is too? Do you believe she's here somewhere, physically?"
Fang took a moment to think before nodding her head, "Yeah... I think so."
"Are you on any drugs? Prescription or otherwise?"
Fang groaned at the question. At the groan, the doctor jotted some more notes down. Fang made an annoyed face and leaned forward. "What are you writing in there?"
"It's a clinical assessment of your mental status. It's meant to give us a starting point." He stated before asking again, "Any drugs?"
Fang sighed leaning back again, giving a firm "No." She needed him to know that Lightning wasn't just some drug induced hallucination.
"Nothing?" He looked up from his notes to read her face and Fang gave him a look that caused him to raise an eyebrow.
"Nothing." She stated again, clearly frustrated with his asking. What she didn't realize was that the second prompting wasn't just for an accurate answer, but also to see how she reacted to being asked twice. He once again jotted something down.
"Now, it says here, you committed yourself after you nearly jumped off of your apartment roof?"
Fang looked down slightly ashamed and pursed her lips. "I don't... want to die if that's what you're asking."
"Then why were you on that roof?" Dr. Gaider asked, placing down his clip board to pay closer attention to her.
"I just... I don't know... wanted to start my next life."
Dr. Gaider nodded his head. "What were you feeling while you were up there?"
Fang looked at him and made a face as if the answer would be clear. "Hurt? Hopelessness? Anger? Take your pick."
"And how do you feel right now?"
"Right now? Annoyed." Fang said. She never had much patience and she clearly didn't want to talk about that particular night.
"Have you attempted anything like that before?"
"No." Fang clipped.
"Any other destructive behaviours?"
Fang shrugged in response and looked away. She didn't want to have this conversation with him. She was afraid that she would end up having someone checking on her every ten minutes if they thought she was going to off herself.
"It's okay, we can come back to this." Dr. Gaider smiled warmly before changing the subject. "What is it you think is happening, that causes these memories?"
Fang stayed silent, glad that they were moving on but not really sure how to answer it. She thought she knew, but saying it out loud made her sound crazy. As frustrated as she was with the process, she still wanted him to believe her.
"Fang?"
"I think... It's Etro. She..." Fang cringed as the words came out. "She likes to... fuck with me sometimes."
Dr. Gaider raised his eyebrows and nodded. "You believe in the Goddess Etro?"
Fang glanced up at him, already feeling it was a mistake to say anything at all. She nodded. "I'm sure she's real, she's interfered in my other lives before... Not always, but sometimes."
"Okay..." He held no judgement in his voice, "Does she talk to you ever?"
"No."
"Okay. Why do you think she would cause this?"
"I don't know... I don't think she likes me much."
"Why's that?"
Fang cringed again at what she was about to say, "I've... done bad things in my other lives. She sees me as a sinner. Maybe it's my punishment..." When Dr. Gaider said nothing, she continued. "I don't know... She... " Fang sighed, "I don't know."
"Are you deeply religious, Fang?"
"No..." Fang shook her head slowly. "I wouldn't say that... I believe Etro is real... but, I don't live by her teachings. I don't praise her or look to seek validation from her. I just, know she exists."
Dr. Gaider sighed slightly before tapping his pen slightly, staring at his notes. He stayed silent for a long time before glancing up at Fang, "Do you know what schizophrenia is?"
Fang looked putt off. "I don't have schizophrenia."
"Honestly, Fang. I think it's very likely that you do." His voice remained calm as he watched her.
Fang shook her head adamantly, thinking back to the man, George, she had met briefly in the cafeteria. The idea that people looked at her, the same way she looked at him was unnerving. That people would listen to her stories, all the while thinking she was just some crazy nut who didn't know the real world from one she created. She wasn't crazy. She knew what she knew. It was real, and she needed him to know it. "No. It's not schizophrenia. Lightning is real. I know she is."
"Schizophrenia is often characterized by a failure to recognize what is real. It's often accompanied by false beliefs, hallucinations, paranoia... It's nothing to be ashame-"
"She's not a hallucination." Fang said through gritted teeth as she sat up straighter in her chair.
"Calm down, Fang." Dr. Gaider gestured for her to relax again. "I'm going to prescribe you some antipsychotics, Okay? They'll help you see things clearer. The delusions will start to taper off, an-"
"-She's not a delusion." Fang pursed her lips and glared at him. She could feel her muscles shaking at the idea. She shook her head, adamant that she knew the truth. She wasn't like George. "You can't just take Lightning away."
Dr. Gaider regarded her with a sympathetic frown. "Then what are you so afraid of?"
Fang felt her heart rate pick up. The simple question scared her more than she was willing to admit. If he was right than Lightning would be gone... Her entire life would have been a lie. Her love for Lightning, all a delusion. She didn't know what she would do without her. She had been with her since before she could remember. How could something so permanent not be real?
Fang sat silently in front of Dr. Gaider, her eyebrows knitted together as she shook her head weakly.
Dr. Gaider sighed in sympathy, trying to understand just what she was thinking. "The mind is a powerful thing, Fang. Everything we experience comes from our brain. Every word you hear, every thing you see... the entire world and the way you perceive it, is formed in your brain. When the brain isn't working properly, it can create it's own experiences, independently from outside stimuli. It is... so easy for the mind to believe these experiences are real. It tricks itself into believing what it's experiencing is coming from somewhere else..."
Fang felt her body shaking and Dr. Gaider's voice became distorted as her mind panicked. Had everything been a lie? It couldn't be... Vanille was there. She was her proof. Unless... She shook her head at the idea but it persisted. Unless... her mind only told her Vanille was a part of these lives, incorporating her into her delusions... Fang's mouth was dry, her hands cold. What if Lightning had never existed? What if she was in love with someone her mind created? How would she let go? If she took the antipsychotics, would she forget about her? She felt her heart ache at the thought.
Her mind raced with thoughts and she could no longer hear Dr. Gaider talking. She was overwhelmed with fear and doubt and then all thoughts suddenly stopped when she looked up. Her breath caught in her throat. Her eyes grew wide and her train of thought vanished in an instant.
"Yun Fang?" Dr. Gaider cocked his head to the side at Fang's suddenly frozen expression. Her face paled and he could see the shake in her hands. He knitted his eyebrows together in confusion and followed her line of site to the window that lined his office wall where the young Dr. Farron was walking by, clip board in hand as she took notes.
Time slowed down in Fang's eyes as she watched the pink haired woman walk by the window. There was no doubt in her mind that this was her Lightning. She had seen her everyday. She had loved her in thousands of lives. She knew her face better than the philosophers knew the stars. It was her.
"Wha-" Fang could barely utter the word. Had she finally lost it? Was she finally hallucinating? "That... That's her!" Fang said pushing up from her seat and immediately headed for the door. She needed to know.
Reaching for the door, she found it was locked. In alarm, Dr. Gaider rose from his own seat to calm the woman and try to get her back to her seat. "Fang, calm down. I need you to sit back down."
"No, no you don't understand, you have to open this door, I need to talk to her!" Fang insisted frantically as Dr. Gaider tried to guide her back to her seat.
"Yun Fang, that's just one of our doctors. Doct-"
"Farron! I know!" Fang yelled and hit a hand against the window beside the door to get her attention. Doctor Farron looked up slightly startled by the sound and turned her head in the direction of the noise, catching Fang's eyes. Fang froze again as her breath caught in her throat. She was just as beautiful as she always had been. Beautiful clear blue eyes and rose coloured hair. To see her in the flesh was almost too much. It couldn't be a hallucination. She was too perfect.
Dr. Farron looked from Fang's eyes to Dr. Gaider who stood trying to lead Fang back to her seat. She looked back to Fang once more, slightly unnerved by the look in her eyes before she shook it off and continued walking down the hallway. A few techs watched from the hallways, watching to see if Dr. Gaider could calm her down without help.
"Where's she going?" Fang panicked as she hit her palms against the window again but Lightning continued walking, acting as if she had never seen Fang in her life. Dr. Gaider squeezed her shoulder and with one arm Fang pushed him back away from her. "Hey!" She yelled and tried the door again only to find it was still locked. At the push, the techs stood a little straighter and motioned to one another.
"Fang, you need to sit down, now!"
"It's her. Light! She's here! She-" Fang looked panicked as she continued to stare down the hallway to where the woman had disappeared to. "She doesn't know me here?" Fang said with realization. "She- Please, I need to speak to her." She turned back to Dr. Gaider, pleading with him.
Dr. Gaider shook his head and crossed his arms across his chest. "Fang. I'm trying to help you. You're going to be sedated if you don't calm down."
"I need to see her. It's her."
"Fang, if you don't sit down now-"
"You don't get it! If I lose this chance-" The door opened suddenly after a beep from a tech's keycard, and two men rushed into the room. Fang turned her attention to the commotion as the techs grabbed her by the arms. "What the hell are you doin'!?" Her voice was loud and confused, "Get off of me!"
Fang struggled against their grip and yelled at them as they yelled at her to quit struggling. In a quick practiced motion, one of the techs pressed a needle into her arm and pushed the plunger down. Within seconds, Fang's body felt heavy. "Lightning..." She managed to get her name out once more before her eyelids started to fail her and the world went dark.
AN: Decided to go a slightly different route than in the original so I hope you like it, and please let me know of any spelling errors as I have a tendency to miss homonyms.
