Disclaimer: (LON hesitates) …Alright, I know the abbreviation of my name may be misleading. I don't own Zelda or Naruto. But I'm sure you figured that already. Now go away and let me brood in peace!


"Old Lady Tsunade, is that really you?" Naruto asked uncertainly.

The tree remained still, but Tsunade's voice rang out seemingly from nowhere. "Yes, it's me, you stupid kid! Now quit calling me 'old lady' before we have to take this outside!"

"We are outside," Naruto pointed out. "Besides, you're a tree. What can you do to me?"

Tsunade grumbled. "Look, can I just make my dramatic speech now?"

Naruto sat down and made himself comfortable. "This is going to take awhile, isn't it?"

The tree remained still. Tsunade sighed irritably. "Just so you know, I'm shrugging right now. I don't know how long this will take, but the more you interrupt me…" she trailed off. Naruto nodded once to show he understood and looked up at the tree expectantly.

Tsunade cleared her throat, but stopped suddenly. "Kyuubi, get the hell out here. I'm not starting without you."

Naruto whined, "Kyuubi! Hurry up! You're making her take longer!"

"I'm glaring at you now, kid."

Silence reigned over the clearing and Tsunade sighed. "Kyuubi, if you're not out here, I'm going have to go through this twice."

Kyuubi fluttered out of hiding, cursing as he shot over to where Naruto was sitting. He nestled himself on Naruto's head.

"Maybe I can smother myself in this stupid hat and not have to be in the rest of the parody…" he mused out loud. Tsunade cleared her throat again and Kyuubi shut up, albeit grudgingly.

"Now, Naruto, listen carefully, okay? I'm about to go into a fancy soliloquy," the Tree said. "Thy slumber these past moons must have been restless, and full of nightmares...As the servants of evil gain strength, a vile climate pervades the land and causes nightmares to those sensitive to it..."

Naruto blinked. Tsunade sighed. "Verily, thou hast felt it..."

Naruto blinked again. "Felt what?"

"I'm rolling my eyes. Verily, thou hast felt the evil spreading around Hyrule. Naruto Uzumaki, the time has come to test thy courage...I have been cursed!"

Naruto and Kyuubi gasped. Well, alright, Naruto gasped. Kyuubi let out what may have been a poorly concealed snigger. In fact, it was so poorly concealed that Tsunade had to pause for a good five minutes as they watched him laugh hysterically.

"Alright…alright…phew, that was good…no, seriously, continue, Deku Tree," Kyuubi wiped the tears from his eyes, still shaking a bit with mirth and holding his stomach in an attempt to contain himself. Offended, Tsunade continued.

"I need you to break the curse with your wisdom and courage, Naruto. Dost thou have courage enough to undertake this task?"

"Yeah, I have the courage, dattebayo!" Naruto cheered confidently, leaping to his feet. "I'll break that curse for you!"

"Don't speak too soon, twerp," Kyuubi warned. Naruto stuck out his tongue.

"I don't go back on my words! That's my way of the ninja!"

Kyuubi looked blankly at him. "You just had to say it, didn't you…?

"AHEM."

The two of them fell silent and stared up at the Deku Tree.

"I wasn't finished," Tsunade said needlessly. "Okay…now I have to get back into it…thanks a lot…" The sound of Tsunade taking deep breaths reverberated off the stone walls. "Okay…into character…good. Okay, I'm starting again."

Naruto and Kyuubi looked blankly at the tree. Tsunade spoke again, "Enter, brave Naruto, and thou too, Kyuubi..." she broke off her speech again to grumble about heartless fairies laughing at her curse before she continued.

"Kyuubi the fairy...thou must aid Naruto...and Naruto, when Kyuubi speaks, listen well to her words of wisdom..."

"HIS! His words of wisdom!" Kyuubi snapped.

"Whatever. Just get going, okay?" Tsunade made an irritated noise.

Everything was still and silent. Tsunade sighed. "Aren't you going to go?"

Naruto gave her a look. "Where?"

There was silence for a few beats before Tsunade realized her mistake. "Oh…right. Sorry, kid, I forgot. You'll have to go in through my mouth."

"Your mouth? Ew! No way! I don't know where it's been!" Naruto protested loudly. "Ero-sennin says -"

"Anything Jiraiya says is a LIE!" Tsunade barked defensively. "I'm going to kill the pervert next time I see him…kill him DEAD…"

This earned her a weird look from Kyuubi. "Just open your god damn mouth, woman, so we can get this over with!"

Tsunade, rather than speak again, complied. The bark of the tree shifted so that there was a wide entrance. Naruto hesitantly ventured inside.


Mysterious white text flashed over the screen, declaring the obvious; 'Inside the Deku Tree'. The tree was hollow inside, forming a large cylindrical room quite high up. In the middle of the room was a deep hole covered by thick spider web, and Deku Babas framed the room in a methodically placed way.

"Alright, twerp, let's get straight to the words of wisdom…" Kyuubi said, as usual sounding as if he had several other more thrilling things to do. "Over there is a ladder. You climb it by tilting the analog stick either forwards to go up and back to go down."

Naruto gave him a strange look. "Analog stick?"

"Yes, the analog stick," Kyuubi said. "Now can we get going? I have more wise words for you, and I really don't feel like sticking around all that long."

Naruto went over to the ladder and began to climb. "Hey…Kyuubi…I thought you were supposed to be my fairy for good?"

Kyuubi froze. "Oh, god damn it."

"So you are then?"

"No time for questions, next lesson," he said quickly, flying over to the treasure chest. "Press the 'A' button to open this chest, twerp."

Naruto, although confused by this, obeyed. Kyuubi indicated the map Naruto now held in his hands. "That's a dungeon map. It'll show you your way around this place. If you can find a compass too you'll be able to pinpoint your exact location through the wonders of game devices."

"Right," Naruto tucked the map away. "Where do we go now?"

"The door over there," Kyuubi said, attempting to point it out. Having no hands, he found this difficult, and as a result Naruto looked around for a bit before he realized which door Kyuubi was talking about.

Inside was a stunted, shrub-like creature with mean, glowing eyes and an…interestingly shaped mouth.

"That's a Deku Scrub," Kyuubi informed his charge. "It shoots Deku Nuts out of it's mouth and tries to hit you with them."

"It tries to hit me with its nuts?"

Kyuubi paused. "…Don't say that again. I don't even want to dwell on that sentence. As I was saying, just deflect them with that pathetic wooden scrap of a shield and you should be fine."

"Okay!" Naruto yelled, pulling out his Deku Shield and crouching behind it. The Scrub spat a Deku Nut from it's mouth, which Naruto easily deflected. The Scrub popped up out of the ground and waved it's scrawny arms.

"Wait! Don't kill me! Please!" it begged. Naruto approached it cautiously.

"Yeah? What's in it for me?" he said, poking the Scrub with the tip of his sword. It recoiled. Naruto poked it again.

"Stop it!" it whined. "If you spare me…I can do something for you…"

Naruto blinked. "Uh…"

The Deku Scrub jumped back a bit as Kyuubi got right up in it's face. "Look, buddy, I don't know what kind of sick asshole you work for, but don't go putting us on your level!" he spat. "The kid's annoying and I normally wouldn't give a rat's ass what he does, but I can't have you offering that!"

"Okay, okay!" the Scrub shrieked. "Then what if I tell you what I know?"

Kyuubi glowed angrily. "I say we kill it, twerp."

Naruto brightened at the prospect of getting to kill the perverted little Scrub. It hastily said, "Look, if you hold the analog stick forward when you jump from a high place, you'll roll and you won't get hurt!"

"Kyuubi already told me that in chapter one," Naruto shook his head. "I guess I get to kill you."

"ACK!" The Deku Scrub ran for it's life. Kyuubi watched it run with some degree of satisfaction.

"Alright, twerp, let's keep going," he said, guiding his charge to the next room. "You see that platform? If you step on that switch there," he flew over by it to illustrate his point, "those platforms will go up and you can get the item on the other side."

"Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy…" Naruto murmured excitedly, doing as Kyuubi said. He hopped across the platforms and flung the chest open carelessly.

"Hey, check it out, Kyuubi!" he called, holding up his prize as the music played in the background. "It's a slingshot! I've always wanted one of these…" his eyes glazed over and Kyuubi sighed.

"Whatever. Just shoot that ladder down so we can get back to the other side."

Naruto carefully took aim, fired…and missed by a mile. Kyuubi shook his head in disdain.

"And you call yourself a ninja…"

"Hey! Aiming with this thing is different then with kunai or shuriken, okay?" Naruto snapped defensively. "I'll get the hang of this in no time!

Kyuubi made himself comfortable.


"Hah! I did it! In your FACE, Kyuubi!" Naruto went into a full-blown victory dance in front of the ladder, which was now in perfect climbing position and in leaning against the wall. Kyuubi clapped slowly and sarcastically.

"Congratulations. You used up twenty-three out of thirty Deku Seeds aiming at one target. Way to go."

Naruto glared. "You don't even have hands. How are you clapping?"

Kyuubi faltered. "Uh…good job with the ladder twerp. Let's get a move on."

"But Kyuubi -"

"GET MOVING, WHELP."


"Alright, you found the compass, learned how to kill Skulltulas -"

"Without wasting more than seven Deku Seeds, dattebayo!"

"Without wasting more than seven Deku Seeds, which we're all very thrilled about," Kyuubi's voice was flat and unimpressed. Luckily, Naruto didn't pick up on his tone of voice. "Let's see…we found that Gold Skulltula and killed it, getting this token in the process…"

Naruto held out said token for the sake of the readers. It looked basically like a flat golden skull, but it was glowing with a blue fire.

"Said token is engulfed by flame that doesn't burn us, and, with this being a Naruto crossover, I'm going to assume it's chakra," Kyuubi said. "Sound good to you?"

"Not really," Naruto frowned. "They were like this even when the game wasn't being parodied. So what's this blue fire stuff?"

"Listen," Kyuubi rounded on the blonde, "I'm trying to recap everything we supposedly just did and tie it in to our original show. Stop questioning things and LISTEN TO MY GODDAMN EXPLANATION."

Naruto glowered and tucked the token away. Kyuubi glared for a minute before turning back to face the screen. However, Naruto couldn't resist asking another question.

"Why do you yell so much?'

Kyuubi exhaled noisily. "I yell because I don't currently have a body to show emotion with. Yelling is the only way I can properly emote. Of course, maybe I wouldn't be such an angry person…uh, kitsune…if the author just gave me a proper body."

Naruto's lower lip quivered. "Aw…Kyuubi, I didn't know you felt that way…really, deep down, you're just sad that you're never treated fairly, just because you're a destructive monster…"

The audience and readers had to wipe the tears welling up in their eyes as Kyuubi wilted pitifully.

"That may be it, Naruto…" Kyuubi said wonderingly. "Maybe all I need is for someone to look beyond my monstrous exterior for the cuddly fox that I really am…"

Naruto opened his arms to hug Kyuubi. Kyuubi ignored him, in favour of glaring at nothing in particular.

"Or it's actually the post office's fault," he said decisively. "YOU HEAR ME? I'M TALKING TO YOU, MAIL-BOY!"

The postman appeared randomly, an angry glint in his eye. "You want to take this outside, yah?"

"BRING IT ON, LETTER-STACKER!" Kyuubi lunged, but Naruto restrained the red ball of light by pinching the tips of his wings. Genma and Raidou appeared to pull the postman off screen.

"This isn't over, yah!" the postman screeched. Genma and Raidou exchanged tired, wary looks.

"Tell me again why we're on security detail?" Genma dragged a weak hand across his face, stopping to adjust his toothpick. Raidou merely shook his head and pulled a non-resisting Genma off screen. Naruto stared.

"…What was that about?" he asked, releasing Kyuubi. The fairy dusted himself off with as much dignity as he could muster.

"We had to find some way to break the pity party," Kyuubi shrugged, a hint of malice still in his voice. "The author doesn't do the pity thing. Besides, I'm Kyuubi. Village-destroying kitsune. I'm way too cool for pity."

Naruto snorted. "You're cool…yeah, right. My fan base is way bigger than yours."

"It's mostly because of me that you have a fan base at all," he pointed out. Naruto fell silent and Kyuubi smirked.

"Alright…getting back to what we were doing…I was just finishing my recap of what we just did." Kyuubi looked over the ledge of where they were standing, as did Naruto. They were fairly high up, looking down at the giant hole in the floor covered by web.

"So, you see that web down there covering the hole," Kyuubi stated rather than asked. Naruto nodded anyway. "As we know from experience, fire is the only thing that can get through those webs, but we don't have any fire here. So instead, we're going to use gravity to our advantage."

"What do you mean?" Naruto asked.

"If you jump off from here and land in the middle of the web, it should break," Kyuubi drawled. "Then we'll be able to keep moving. Understand, twerp?"

"But…there's so many things that could go wrong with that!" Naruto exclaimed. "What if I miss the middle of the web? I could break something! Not to mention that we don't know what's down there! What if the bottom of the hole is really rocky or something? What if it's really, really far down? I could be killed, dattebayo!"

"It's a risk I'm willing to take," Kyuubi said solemnly. "Now jump."

"No way!" Naruto protested, folding his arms defiantly. "I'm not committing suicide and you can't make me!"

"Oh, that's really mature of you, twerp," Kyuubi snarled. "You sound like such a selfish brat. You won't take a risk to save your caretaker for all these years?"

"Who?"

"The Deku Tree, dumbass."

"Oh, yeah, I forgot about the curse…" Naruto trailed off. Kyuubi smacked his forehead.

"So, you won't jump off this tiny cliff to save the one who raised you from birth?" Kyuubi shook his head in disgust. "I'm ashamed to know you."

Naruto shrugged. "Well, technically, the Deku Tree never actually raised me, personally. As we all know, I'm not originally from this story. The casting director just thought I'd be a good second choice."

Kyuubi considered that for a moment. "You know, you actually bring up a good point there," he said thoughtfully. "Of course, you're still forgetting one very important factor that will let me win this argument."

"Yeah?" the blonde scoffed. "And what's that?"

Kyuubi pulled a copy of Ocarina of Konoha out from seemingly nowhere. "To cite the script, 'I'll break that curse for you…I don't go back on my words! That's my way of the ninja!'" Kyuubi tucked the script away again with a broad grin. "That was this chapter, too. What a poor memory you have…"

Naruto appeared to be going through a great internal struggle. "My way…ninja…curse…" his half-sentence was disjointed and hissed through his teeth. Kyuubi watched his with mild amusement.

"Using unbreakable character traits to manipulate…it's a truly beautiful thing," Kyuubi mused. Naruto continued with his meltdown. Kyuubi, as usual, got impatient quickly. "Are you going to jump or not?"

"I will!" the ninja snapped. "Just give me some time…"

Kyuubi raised an eyebrow. "Since when are you afraid of heights, anyway?"

Naruto flushed. "Well, I think I was kind of afraid of heights starting from episode 128…"

"I recall," said Kyuubi. "You did spend most of that fight being knocked down from high places, didn't you?"

"Yeah," Naruto said, growing redder, though whether it was from anger or embarrassment was impossible to tell.

"Whatever, it's in the past," Kyuubi said, "…or the future, if you're a reader who hasn't reached that episode yet."

"Right, dattebayo," Naruto nodded. "Anyway, just give me a moment. I'll jump."

"Look, Naruto, you don't have to jump if you don't want to," Kyuubi sighed. Naruto blinked.

"Really? That's…suspiciously kind of you, Kyuubi. Thanks," he gave the fire-coloured fairy a broad grin. He cast a relieved look down at the web. "I really don't have to jump?"

"Sort of," Kyuubi confessed with no trace of guilt as he shoved Naruto forcefully off the edge. The ninja shrieked girlishly as he plummeted, hitting the ground flat on his back with a loud noise. Kyuubi flinched.

"Uh…oops. Sorry, twerp."

"Ow…"

Once Naruto had peeled himself off the ground and climbed arduously back up to the top, he was more determined than ever. Kyuubi lingered behind him, half-heartedly surveying the area and occasionally casting comments at Naruto.

"You're sure you don't want me to…?"

"No."

"What if I aim this time?"

"No."

The kitsune clicked his tongue. "You know you won't jump if I don't push you…" he said in a flat, emotionless singsong…if that is at all possible.

"No way, Kyuubi! One more might kill me!" Naruto cast a fearful glance back at the fairy, who was floating back and forth, waiting not-so-patiently for the blonde ninja to suck it up and jump, already.

"Fine," Kyuubi sighed. "Then let me give you some advice." He flew in front of his face, but slightly farther out. "Only…you may want to come closer for this, because I'm only going to say this once."

Naruto, cautiously watching the edge, inched his way over to Kyuubi.

"Naruto, what I need to tell you is…" Kyuubi began solemnly and dropped his voice to a whisper. Naruto leaned in to hear him better.

"…Gravity only works one way."

"Huh?" Kyuubi yanked Naruto forward and watched him fall again. Luckily, this time Naruto fell in exactly the right place, and the web stretched impossibly before breaking. Kyuubi listened to his charge yell all the way down until he was cut off by a distant-sounding 'splash'.

"If the twerp is really this stupid, I don't see how he's going to last seven more dungeons…" Kyuubi muttered, fluttering down the hole to find the helpless ninja.