Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion is owned by Gainax. The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya is authored by Nagaru Tanigawa and the Anime is being made by Kyoto Animation. I do not own them, nor do I claim to. If I did, I wouldn't be doing this shit.

Author's Note: And it looks like I'll be continuing this. Sporadically.

"Right now, what Jesus would do is go kill some suckers." - Jesus Christ

The next day, as if by instinct, I found myself in front of the commandeered Poetry Clubroom. Quite possibly, I was led there to see if Asuka-chan had arrived. That sweet, innocent girl, how dare Kirishima drag her into this NERV nonsense?

I opened the door, expecting that wonderfully voluptuous redhead.

Instead I find only Rei Ayanami. Typical. It's like she's some sort of furniture.

Speaking of furniture, I noticed that the Clubroom now had a stove. Kirishima's doing, I'd guess. Is she planning on living here?

And why isn't Rei saying anything about this?

"I have officially joined this club as well, Ikari."

...did she just read my mind?

The door opened, and thank the various gods, it was Asuka.

"H...hello, everyone."

Ah, sweet Asuka. You don't deserve to be cooped up in this crazy Club. Run! Run away!

But, reality has a stranglehold on fantasy.

No, wait. Those are Mana's hands on Asuka's breasts again.

"Do I pick 'em, or what?"

Placing my face in my hand, I just mumbled, "You sure do."

I sighed and looked out the window. "So, what's the agenda for today?"

"Why, a recruitment drive, of course!"

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The Melancholy of Shinji Ikari

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And so I find myself handing out NERV fliers. It was either me or Asuka. And I wouldn't want her alone with Mana. Who knows what Mana will make her do to get attention?

Try not to think of it. Just hand out fliers. Fliers that don't have information about the club itself because our wonderful leader hadn't figured those little details out yet.

"Hmm...this club sounds interesting."

I was jarred for a minute, not really believing that someone would find a club with no set goals interesting, and before me was this...rather effeminate young man with striking red eyes and white hair.

"Uhh...are you an Albino?" I blurted out. Stop it, mouth.

Surprisingly, he laughed. "If you wish, Ikari-kun."

"You know me?" I asked.

"Of course. I'm in your class."

Then why haven't I noticed him before? You just can't miss a Japanese albino.

"Rather, I will transfer tomorrow. My name is Kaworu Nagisa," he said as he extended his hand. "I was just visiting today to speak with the homeroom teacher, Miss Katsuragi."

I shook his hand, which was surprisingly smooth. Was that lotion I smell?

"I'll pop in tomorrow at your clubroom. I'll see you there," he said with a wink.

I stood there for a few moments and took it in. Did I just recruit a new member of NERV? Did I drag yet another unfortunate soul into this pit of despair?

A hard slap to the back by Mana brought me back from my reverie.

"Good! Looks like you found us a new member! Let's quit for today."

I looked at her, dumbfounded.

"But that Kaworu guy was the only person who joined!"

"You're the one who's always telling me that even small victories can be huge. If even one person joined, it would be a victory. Now let's gather all the fliers and pack up for the day."

Yes, my dear viewers, Mana had me photocopy 150 fliers just to recruit one person. With my money, too.

Great, my parents will have a fit.

The next day, I opened the door, and walked into Mana undressing Asuka.

Against my hormones, I shut the door again after Asuka screamed.

Well, not so much "screamed" as "squealed".

My mind raced. Why would Mana be undressing Asuka like that?

From the sound of it, Asuka was still struggling.

My ear still against the door and certain parts of me going against my better judgment, someone tapped my shoulder and I spun around.

Yes, in that state.

It was Kaworu.

"Well, seems you're happy to see me, Shinji-kun," he smiled.

"I...it's not like that!" I blurted out.

"Sure, it isn't," he said, with a weird look in his eyes.

"It's safe to come in now, Shinji," came Mana's voice from within the clubroom.

I've never been happier to hear her voice. Quickly fumbling with the door, I opened it to a wondrous sight. Perhaps slightly more than when I came in with Asuka in her underwear.

There she was, the poor creature of loveliness, wearing a rather skimpy French maid outfit, crying a little.

"Like it, Shinji?" said Mana. "I sewed it myself!"

Apparently in Mana's size. And plans stolen from some porno somewhere.

"Why don't you wear that outfit instead if you sewed it?"

"I'm not loli enough, silly boy."

I had to say, she was right.

"Why don't you wear the outfit, Shinji?" asked Kaworu.

I turned to look at him slowly, still unsure as to what he just said.

"Nah, it wouldn't fit," replied Mana. "You must be out new recruit!"

"Kaworu Nagisa. Charmed to meet you all."

He then spotted Rei near the back, and their eyes met. The same look of silent conversation as with Rei and Asuka yesterday.

"Asuka, prepare some tea, please," said Mana.

"H-hai!" said Asuka meekly.

"Hold on, she's not your maid!" I said, Mana's words shaking me out of the weird vibes between Kaworu and Rei.

Asuka grabbed the hem of my sleeve and looked into my eyes.

"It's OK, Shinji."

I gulped. How can I say no to her? Especially in that outfit.

"So, what DOES this club do?" asked Kaworu.

Good question. I'd like to know that myself.

Mana was quiet for a few moments, as if making up the mission statement right on the spot.

She smiled and said this.

Oh, you better believe you better brace yourself.

"NERV is a club dedicated to the search for strange happenings in and around campus. We will hand out fliers, post the mission statement on the bulletin board, and wait for someone to come to us. Simple, yes?"

I just stared at her a few moments and started to say "That is the most--"

"...brilliant idea for a club!" continued Kaworu.

Then I stared at him.

Mana beamed. "Isn't it?"

No, it isn't!

But I could see I wasn't going to win this argument. No one can win an argument against Mana Kirishima, at least that, I learned.

While Mana and Kaworu talked to flesh out details of what the Club should do, and with Asuka waiting to refill their tea, I didn't even notice Rei standing behind me and whispering in my ear.

"Meet me in the Gym Storage," she said.

Wait...we've barely talked and she wants me in the gym storage? She's a fast worker.

She discreetly left the room, which wasn't hard for her to do but my exit was much more noticeable.

Stupid hormones. Maybe she just wants to talk. But I have heard about those little escapades into the gym storage.

I still followed.

She went in first, and when she saw that the coast was clear, she motioned for me to follow her into the musty room.

"Umm...Rei, what did you want?"

She said nothing as she locked the door. My mind raced. Was this girl freakier than she seemed?

"Ikari-kun. I need to tell you something very important."

"S-sure."

Rei walked past me and sat on the chair at the other end of the room.

"No one in the NERV club aside from you, Ikari-kun, is a normal human."

Well, I knew this.

I waited for more clarification, but it seemed she was waiting for me to speak before explaining it.

"...well?" I finally said. "I know everyone's a little...off. Why did you drag me here to tell me that?"

"You do not understand, Ikari-kun. Perhaps I should clarify."

"You're not gonna tell me that you're some sort of alien, now are you?"

Rei raised her eyebrow. "You have guessed correctly, Ikari-kun."

"Wait...what?"

She nodded. "Yes. I am an alien. Nagisa and Soryu are not, however. They will tell you what they are on their own time, for it is not my place to say."

"Come on, Rei, are you serious?"

"I am."

"Then show me your true form."

"Very well."

She started taking her clothes off, but I interrupted her.

"Whoa, wait...were you really serious?"

"I am always serious. I was sent here by the supreme being to look after an anomaly in this universe," she explained as she re-buttoned her white shirt. "That anomaly is Mana Kirishima. Something triggered her latent reality-altering abilities. With her being discovered as a Maximoff-level reality alterer but with no control over her powers, she needed to be observed."

"I...see."

"The formation of this NERV club has been deemed necessary to keep Kirishima occupied so that she would not alter reality unconsciously, so I altered the school's mainframe and took this form, which I chose, modeled after your mother so you could speak with me. However, you did not take notice of me, so I, in your words, dragged you here."

"Oooooooooookay, this is getting...wait, you chose to look like my mother? So that's why you looked so familiar! Oh, God, and I had fantasies about you while we were walking towards here and..."

Rei raised her eyebrow. "You thought I brought you to this room to procreate?"

"That's not the point, Rei!"

I felt so dirty.

"I apologize. In hindsight, choosing this form might not have been suitable. I shall change it if you wish."

"No...no, everyone knows you in that form, so just...keep it. But why are you telling me this?"

"Because, Ikari-kun...you are the trigger. The cause of her reality-altering powers activating."

Oh, somehow this is my fault now.

"So, what do you propose I do? Keep her occupied?"

"Correct."

Why did I get a feeling she'd say that?

"You must encourage Club activities. I cannot interfere, for my own reality-altering powers work on a different level. If I change something it will have a backlash somewhere else in the world."

"And Mana can do as she please?"

"If her subconscious wills it so."

I pondered this for awhile when the entire school shook from an explosion.

Rei and I looked at each other, then quickly ran back toward the Clubroom.

The others were already looking out the window toward the city.

"Look!" squealed Mana. "It looks like an alien is invading the city!"

And it certainly looked like an alien. It was huge, almost a hundred feet tall, black, with a grey face and a red sphere that looked like it was lodged in its chest.

"Quick, let's get a closer look!" said Mana as she ran out the door.

"Don't go out, it might be...dangerous."

But it was too late. I was alone in the room.

Can this day get any weirder?

To Be Continued