Amon entered the CCG looking like a ghost. They had only watched the first two tapes before calling it quits yesterday. He had tried to distract himself by finishing some of his paperwork but images of severed fingers and toes engulfed his mind and Kaneki's screams were echoes in his ears. He valiantly tried to do his work but gave up and left early. He had hoped getting a little drunk and passing out would help him forget but he ended getting no sleep no matter how hard he tried.
Amon knew he looked like a wreck but he didn't care that much at the moment. As much as he didn't want to view the rest of the tapes, he had to know what happened to Kaneki. Did Yamori kill him? Did Kaneki survive somehow? Did he escape only to be shot down in the raid by the CCG? Or was he in some other ward right now, recovering? Amon hoped Kaneki was resting peacefully somewhere but Yamori's cruelty left him doubting that was the case.
As Amon came upon the room, he stopped. A big part of him wanted to walk away and call in sick. It was so tempting to just go back home and hide under his bed covers but Amon strengthened his resolve and walked in. He felt the need to be here, to defend Kaneki in case one of his co-workers tried to disparage what he had suffered through.
Looking around at the others, Amon was shocked to find some of them looked as bad as him. Seidou wasn't much of a surprise; the young man was empathetic and gentle. He may not like ghouls but he disliked torture of any kind. Akira, Amon was astounded to see, had even darker bags under her eyes than he did. Marude, Arima and Shinohara didn't look done in but their expressions were grim. Juuzou was the only one who looked unaffected and even his smile was a little dim.
Marude said nothing as he put in the third tape and Yamori appeared on the screen, pliers in hand.
"I've noticed you've been drifting,Kaneki." He told the younger ghoul. "And that just won't do."
He cut off a toe.
"Count down from 1000 by 7's and recite the numbers out loud."
". . . 993. . .986 . . . 979. . . "Kaneki choked out each time Yamori took a finger or toe.
Amon felt cold watching. Physically, it was no different from the torture he had witnessed yesterday. It eluded him for some time why Yamori wanted Kaneki to count. He couldn't put his finger on it, but Amon knew there was a reason.
". . . 559. . .552 . . . 545. . ."
Words visited Amon's mind, from a book he read long ago. He had still been a teenager, still just another academy student that the CCG was hoping to mold into an investigator. He remembered checking out the book from the library.
The book about torture practices. The book that told him how some torturers made their victims recite things to ground them to reality. As a teenager he hadn't understood the implication; he had thought the practice wasn't so bad in comparison to other things described in that book.
He understood it now and wished he didn't.
Amon's not the only one who sighs when Yamori finally puts the pliers down. He's also not the only one to tense when the ghoul brings out a bucket.
"Your regeneration has stopped," Yamori noted and Amon realized the ghoul was right; Kaneki's fingers and toes weren't growing at all. "You know what that means, right Kaneki? Lunchtime!"The ghoul chuckled, bringing forth a severed arm.
If Amon had been a petty person, he would have turned to Akira and snarked: "So much for just torturing ghouls."
He didn't. He was too focused on the screen to care about yesterday's squabble.
"Is it human?" Kaneki sobbed and it made Amon's heart sink, thinking the boy was sobbing in joy. So much for Eyepatch not wanting to eat humans.
"Of course." Yamori replied, candidly tossing the arm in the air. "You haven't eaten in a while. Aren't you hungry?"
"I don't want it."Kaneki's reply surprised everyone in the room - even Arima, judging by how wide his eyes had gone.
"Of course you want it. You're a ghoul."
"I don't want to eat anybody! Please don't make me eat." Kaneki begged, making Amon wonder why the boy was resisting something that should've been natural to him.
"How have you survived this long with such a mindset? Humans are our below us. They are our cattle to slaughter and devour. You act as if they are something more than that."Yamori's cold response made Amon's blood boil. He wanted to jump through the screen and rip the ghoul's head off.
"They are. They have lives, just like ghouls. They have people who love them; people who worry and care about them-just like ghouls. They are not below us anymore than we below them."Kaneki's quiet speech left Amon reeling.
How . . . how did a mere ghoul come to such an eloquent conclusion?
This boy was giving him so much to think about it was astounding.
"I wonder if it's because you're- yes, that must be why. Don't worry Kaneki; I'm going to show you just how wrong you are." Yamori said and began to force feed the boy. Kaneki started to choke but Yamori clamped a hand over his mouth.
"You. Will. Eat."Yamori told the boy and Amon's heart went out to Kaneki. He wished he could rewind time and go back to when they first met. Maybe they could have become friends; maybe he could have made sure Kaneki had never ended up in the 11th ward.
Watching Kaneki eat with tears running down his face, Amon found himself wishing for a lot of things.
The tape ended and the last thing it showed was Kaneki gagging on the meat forced down his throat.
Seidou's chair clattered to the ground as the young investigator rushed to the door, one hand cupped over his mouth. Amon couldn't blame him; he was feeling queasy himself. He probably wouldn't be eating tonight.
"I don't understand this ghoul," Akira told the others. "His reluctance to eat . . . I want to say it's a trick, but who is there to fool?"
"He's not trying to fool anyone; he truly doesn't want to eat people." Amon told her.
"He's a vegetarian ghoul!" Juuzou exclaimed with a smile.
"It doesn't make sense." Akira insisted. "Yamori's not wrong; we are food to them. We are their only food source. A ghoul wouldn't be able to survive this long without eating. That boy is denying himself food because he thinks humans don't deserve such a fate. Such a belief implies he was raised to be empathetic and understanding about humans, but what kind of ghoul would teach their child that? We are enemies."
"Maybe he survived on coffee beans." Seidou's weakly commented from the doorway. "Maybe he has an eating disorder. Does it really matter how he's come to believe ghouls and humans are equals?" He asked as he took his seat again.
Can ghouls have eating disorders? The thought had never crossed Amon's mind before and he had no time to ponder on it because Marude started talking.
"Leave that discussion for later. I want to get through these tapes as fast as possible." Marude told them in a grouchy voice, popping in the fourth tape.
Kaneki's scream pierced the air as a syringe went through his eye. From the state of his clothes, some time had passed since the last tape.
"Count down, Kaneki, and remember, if you make a mistake, I'll rip your hair out."Yamori grinned before putting on his mask and grabbing his pliers. Amon sat stiffly in his chair as Kaneki began counting. He began to wonder if he would be able to count as accurately as Kaneki if he was the one strapped to that chair. Probably not; he hadn't even noticed Kaneki had messed up when he reached the 700's.
But Yamori did.
"783. . . 775- Ah!"Kaneki let out a yelp as Yamori grabbed his hair.
"I'm sorry, since whenhas 775gone into 7? Can you tell me, Kaneki? Did the rules of subtraction change over the years? Did they?" Yamori mockingly asked, shaking the boy by his hair. "Of course they haven't! You're just an idiot who can't count!"
Black strands of hair were in Yamori's hands. Some still had skin attached and Amon's stomach jerked as he saw blood trickle down Yamori's arm. Fervently, he prayed that Yamori wouldn't scalp the boy any more than he had already.
"I really hate your hair, Kaneki." Yamori told the boy as he grabbed a pair of rusty scissors. He continued to casually talk as he took out chunks of hair, uncaring of if he grazed and gouged the skin.
"It's just so fucking normal. It's disgusting, you know? Even your hairstyle is boring. Everything about you is- what?! What do you want, Nico? Can't you see I'm busy?!" Yamori began yelling at someone off screen as he jerked Kaneki about by what little hair he had left on his head.
"Sorry, Yamori-san. The higher ups want to see you. They have a job foryou."A male voice responded.
"Feh. Fine. Guess we're cutting this session a little short, Kaneki. Don't worry, I'll be back."The ghoul told his prisoner, setting down his scissors and leaving. Amon expected him to turn off the camera as he left but Yamori walked by, unconcerned that it was still running.
The checkered room was silent. Amon couldn't even hear Kaneki breathing but his chest was still rising up and down. It was in these moments of quiet that the investigator wondered what was going through Kaneki's head. Was he gathering and organizing his thoughts? Was he strengthening his resolve and thinking up escape plans? Or was the silence of the room simply another form of torture for Kaneki?
Slowly, Amon realized Kaneki's hair was gradually growing back. He'd never admit it out loud, but the ghoul's regeneration was marvelous to watch. The heat of battle made it impossible to focus on but these tapes showed the skin stitching itself back together and soon, hair was sprouting up; it almost looked like magic.
Amon squinted his eyes as he took in Kaneki's hair. Was it just him or did it seem a little lighter? It was probably the bad lighting of the room, Amon decided.
"This . . . this is nothing." Kaneki's brittle voiced startled him. "As long as they're safe, this is nothing. What kind of friend would I be if they were up here instead of me? I can't let Yamori break me. Remember, Kaneki?"He lifted his head to the camera and Amon was once again struck by the strength he saw in those grey eyes.
"I survived Rize's attack. I survived the beating Nishiki gave me. I survived the fall into the forest and the fight with the investigator." Amon's heart lurched as Kaneki mentioned their first meeting.
"I survived the Ghoul Restaurant. Remember?" He let loose a small laugh. "They wanted to eat me but I survived that and so many other things."
Then, Kaneki frowned.
"But I only survived because others were kind enough to help me." He told himself, voice miserable. "Even that investigator was kind. He was kind, right? I'm having problems remembering right now. I wish we could have been able to sit down and talk. I wanted to show him something- what was it again? Oh!" His voice popped up in a happy way and Amon drank it in. What did Eyepatch want to show him?
"That's right, I remember now; I wanted to show him that not all ghouls are bad." He told the camera with a sad smile. "It's hard to remember when I'm in here."
He closed his eyes and began to hum a little song in the back of his throat.
"The world is 'wrong'." He said out loud. "But the people I want to believe in were born for love and revolution. Maybe, if I get out of here, we can fix the 'wrong' in the world."
Kaneki smiles as the tape cuts off and Amon wonders how many more times this boy will astound him.
"He's going mad." Marude muttered as he popped the tape out. "He was referring to himself in third person. You all heard it, right?" He asked the others.
"Be fair, Marude." It was Shinohara who spoke up for Kaneki. "He's undergone a tremendous amount of torture in a small period of time. The person I saw on that screen wasn't broken; he was trying to keep himself sane by reminding himself of his accomplishments."
"Person?" Marude spat. "Am I hearing this right? Shinohara in case you've forgotten, that is a ghoul."
"He is," Shinohara calmly agreed. "And he's giving me a new perspective to look at."
"I like him!" Juuzou said, ignoring Marude who looked like he was about to explode. "He looks so plain but it sounded like he's had a lot of adventures! I wanna hear the one about the Ghoul Restaurant. He said they were going to eat him. I wonder how he made it out alive?" Their youngest member ended in a giggle.
"He mentioned a revolution," Akira noted. "Obviously if he's being tortured by Jason, whom we've confirmed was with the Aoigiri Tree, he's not on their side. Is there another ghoul organization rising in power that we don't know about?"
Akira's question made Amon wonder. Was there another organization they were unaware of? And if Kaneki was a part of it, what type of organization was it? It couldn't be any worse than Aoigiri. Soon a debate had begun between the investigators about the probability of a new ghoul group coming into power without the CCG knowing.
"Dazai Osamu." Arima's quiet voice toppled over all the others.
"I'm sorry, what did you say Arima-san?" Shinohara asked politely. Arima gave them a look Amon couldn't decipher; it wasn't quite expressionless but it was close. Sad, perhaps?
"But the people I want to believe in were born for love and revolution," Arima repeated Kaneki's words verbatim. "It's from the novel, The Setting Sun by Dazai Osamu."
"So, um, what does that mean, Arima-san?" Seidou hesitantly asked, still nervous about being in the same room as the legendary reaper.
"He likes to read literature." Arima replied with a faint smile.
"Ugh, not you too! Really, Arima? Sympathy for a ghoul? Forget it, everyone just go home. I've seen enough torture for one day." Marude practically snarled as he barreled out the door.
Arima's words stuck with Amon for the rest of the day. It made him wonder: Did Kaneki really like literature or was that a guess on Arima's part? This led Amon to speculating what else the ghoul might like. Did he like to dance and sing? Was he a movie buff? Did he study the arts? Was he a student or a shut in? Did he like video games? It made Amon sad to know he'd probably never have these questions answered.
Absentmindedly, Amon decided to spend the rest of the day walking around the city in an effort to clear his head. Somehow, his feet had guided him to the local library. He stood outside the building for some time, contemplating his choices before making a decision and walking inside.
He left with the The Setting Sun.
Amon sunk into the story and finished it within the night. He's not sure why he decided to read it. Maybe it was because he wanted to try and understand Kaneki better. Perhaps a part of him hoped that, if Kaneki had survived, it would give them something to talk about if they ever me again. Belatedly, Amon realized he wasn't thinking of Kaneki as ghoul but as a human.
And for the first time in his life, Amon didn't care.
A/N: Again, some dialogue was taken directly from the manga. The quote from the Setting Sun is from the first chapter. It's been translated different ways but I like this version the best.
